It’s a new day…

January 11, 2010

Yes, you too have heard the words to this jingle probably as often as we here at Idol Chatter have. Everyone from Michael Buble to Wil.I.Am have recorded this little wonderous ode to new beginnings and all that sh*t! And really y’all, we do like this ditty, yes we do! And frankly, we feel the words just might be appropriate given all the news that has been surrounding this fast fading juggernaut called Idol.

Now listen real fast kids because we’ve got a bunch to say and damn near little time to say it in.

Ok, we all know that Drunk Paula ain’t comin back no mo, no mo, no mo, no mo. We’ve cried in our beer and felt like someone pissed in our Wheaties over the loss of this adult imbecile who couldn’t give constructive criticism to her cat let alone some sangers who were tryin their damnedest to hit the “big time” (and can we just say here that the “big time” really ain’t it all cracked up to be…we should know after spending 9 long years in this little microcosm called Holly-weird!). Heck, over a cajun spiced tuna steak salad at the wildly-popular-with-the-stars Katsuya, with that metrosexual of metrosexuals, we threatened to discontinue our watchin and writin about what has been heretofore, our favorite damn show on the tee-vee unless Drunk Paula was given her dues and rightfully brought back to the damn judges table. Apparently though all we are good for is picking up the damn tab…like that big and shiny toothed metro-sexual doesn’t make enough damn money to pic up the tab. Drunk Paula’s gone ya’ll and there ain’t a damn thing gonna be done about it so, suck it up.

Now listen here, just about the time we had done written off this damn karaoke show that drives all the little girls (and boys although only about 10% of them if you get my drift) plumb crazy, along comes news that a new judge was being added to round out the table to four once again. We here at Idol Chatter laughed out loud just a little to think how pissed off that damn Kara person must have been to know that she wouldn’t be the only female judge at the table. We do not like Kara not then, not now, not ever! But we’ve digressed.

Anyhoo, word came rather covertly up to our little walled and gated fortress like casa high in the hills over Hollywood that hip and recently married lezbian, Ellen DeGeneres would be rounding out the judges table. Now listen here kids, we nearly wet ourselves without any damn shame when we heard them words. Lawd, a small majority of Californians may have cheated the good gays and lesbians out of their right to live in some kind of marital bliss but, Miss Ellen and her lady-mate figured out a work-around for that one and now the very [legally] married Miss Ellen will be right there for all the good boys and girls to see giving her opinions that we all know will be a damn lot more coherent and constructive than anything that ever fell out of Drunk Paula’s mouth. Hell, she’ll probably make more sense than Randy and Kara combined. Oh lawd, after this great news, we determined right then and there to watch this show on the regular once again!

And kids, that’s where things have stayed until today when we opened up a copy of some newspaper and saw confirmed what we’ve been hearing from every-damn-body up and down the Sunset Strip. Yup, acerbic mouthed Simon is leavin! Straight up!

Damn that driver of mine…blowin the horn like he was in a hurry! Need to remember who writes out those checks that he hurriedly deposits. Any-hoo, despite all that clattering I really must finish this up.

We MAY have threatened before, but this is not a threat. We WILL watch American Idol this season and it WILL be our last season! So, enjoy hanging out with our loud and foul-mouthed (and more often than not drunk) self for this one last season. After that we’ll be on to bigger and better things!

Bring it on bitches!

It’s all about the…

January 14, 2009

One late night, many, many moons ago, I found myself driving in the middle of Kansas.   It was dark and late and the road in front of me was straight and flat as an arrow thus making dozing a distinct possibility.  Being out in the middle of absolutely no-where, a place even god wouldn’t visit (assuming he or she or they could find it), I was left with the distinct possibility of slumbering right on off the road.  After much fiddling with the radio, I was finally able to get a signal from some podunk little radio station whose specific mission seemed to be to keep the truckers and such awake throughout the night.  Lawd, the music that blasted and bumped from my rental speakers was not something I could easily describe.  It was a mish-mash of genre’s and artists not easily found on your top 10 radio station.  While I would never wish that musical disaster on anyone, I will say that it got me across that long ribbon of road to an airport where I was able to escape back to the sanity of my little home high in the hills of Hollywood.

I’m sure by now you are wondering what the hell my little trip through the wilderness has anything to do with the fiasco that was last night.  Well, as I listened to that radio station way out in the middle of a corn field, a little ditty came a blastin over those rental speakers.  What were those words that so resembled last night’s show?

It’s all about the money
It’s all about the dum dum dee duh dum dum
I don’t think it’s funny…

As Meja belted out those words to a quasi-European beat totally incongruent to my location in the middle of fields of corn and ribbons of road, it never dawned on me that many, many moons later I would finally be able to make sense of that song that often drives it’s self right through the middle of my head at the most inopportune times.

Last evening we were assailed by many images that were truly vulgar. Voices that belched, burbled and hiccuped their way through the destroying of classics. Judges bored by the process (even the new one). One host who rather limply tried to prop up his heterosexuality with a impotent make out session with bikini girl (who, by the way couldn’t sing her way out of a trash bag and will quickly and easily be bounced out of Hollywood week). The biggest vulgarity of the night? A damn commercial every other audition. For real! If all the commercials had been removed from last night’s show, it wouldn’t have lasted longer than 40 minutes. It was truly “a night of a thousand” commercials. And they weren’t even stars!

Going forward, we will be TiVo’ing the show and skip through the damn commercials! While money may make the world go round, it will be the death of this already bloated show.

And, was it just me, or did we fail to see anyone who stood out and would blow our socks off? No we didn’t! I’ve still got a headache from that caterwauling.

Ready as I can be!

January 13, 2009

I’ve been thinkin about some tunes today that would express my “excitement” over tonight’s premiere of the new season of Idol.

Are you ready for some…Idol? – sung to the tune of the theme for Monday night football

Well I’m ready…ready as anybody can be!– sung to the tune of I’m Ready by Areosmith

In the dark of night, not a star was in sight– sung to the tune of Hallelujah, I’m Ready by Ricky Skaggs

I’m sure you could come up with some more to express your “excitement” for tonight’s big thang! The truth is, I’m just a little tired and, already, just a little bored. Everyone is talking about changes, real and perceived, much like we rambled on about yesterday. However, all this talk of change and about bringing Idol back from it’s rumored grave, is making me less interested than ever. Maybe it’s my time of the month…if so, how unfortunate for Idol to have picked this week to trot out their latest and debatably their “greatest” of all seasons. Blah! Or not!

I guess you could say I’m “ready as I can be!” How that’s a good thing is beyond me!