Country-Fried Duo

May 24, 2011

Listen kids, we are down to the final two and good golly miss molly, how crazy it has turned out to be. I mean really, who’d have thunk at the very beginning of one of the most talented pool of sangers we’d be treated to the two youngest, perhaps not as vocally gifted two of the entire pack…and they both are pure country. Lawd-a-mercy y’all, ain’t that something else? And so there ya have it, Baby Lockthemdoors, who we all know will win, and that little plush cushion, Little Miss Lauren Alaina.

Now as if that weren’t strange enough, at some point this afternoon I received a covert communication from one of my well-placed (but unnamed sources) over at the Nokia, who said “grab hold of yer britches, cuz it looks like Little Miss Lauren Alaina is kerput for the season!” As if that wasn’t enough, that pretty little blond chick who had the unfortunate misfortune of landing on her derrier had been tracked down and brought to the theater to take the place of the “I cain’t saaaang, I’ve lost my voice” Miss Lauren Alaina. Well, I nearly fell off of my stool in shock and awe!! Of course, I shoulda known better…this is American Idol where the use of performance enhancing drugs is not banned as it is in every other damn sport. So, that pretty little plush cushion, Little Miss Lauren Alaina has been pumped full of drugs and is so high she doesn’t hardly know where she’s at, but y’all, she’s gonna SANG! Woo-Damn-Hoo!!!

Tonight, of course, there will be three rounds – Round 1 will be the contestant’s favorite number from the season – Round 2 will be chosen by our finalists’ Idols (George Straight and Carrie Underwood) and then, of course, Round 3, that gawd-awful “first single” number should they win. Gee-whiskers y’all! What a night! Is Glee on yet?

Ok, first up (and after the “coin” toss) is Baby Lockthemdoors –

Baby Lockthemdoors
Well, if you gonna choose a number that shows off your pipes and performance skills, guess this would be the one. I ain’t gonna complain. I really don’t have anything else to say about this performance because, let’s get real, this child’s already won!

Check Yes or No (George Straight)
Go figure that Mr. Country (yes, Georgie-boy) decided to chose his own song for our little Baby Lockthemdoors to perform. I wish this was a good song choice, but for me it was about as lack-luster as any that our winner has done for the entire season. I’m non-plussed by this choice, by this performance and by the lack of judges commentary. Is Glee on yet?

I Love You This Big
Scotty’s first “single” was introduced by Jimmy Numnuts who vowed and declared that this was the ONE for Scotty. As with every season past, this number is just pathetic and didn’t do a damn thing to show off that amazing voice that we’ve come to love about Baby Lockthemdoors. I certainly wasn’t expecting much with this number and I was not disappointed…much to my disappointment. I did NOT love it “this big.”

Lauren Alaina
Flat on the Floor
Let’s first talk about that outfit – holy mary mother of buddha, what the hell was that thing? In fact, I’m still so stuck on that hideous choice of outfits that I can’t even begin to talk about the doped-up, yet strangely lack-luster performance. Maybe I’m just not a country fan. Is that it? Boring!

Maybe it was Memphis (Carrie Underwood)
Well, Memphis is damn near under-water so, this makes sense…I think. Once again I find myself totally hung up on this atrocious outfit. I mean, is this child trying to look like Wynona Judd? Having said that, I’m gonna give, by a hair, the second round to plush cushion.

Like My Mother Does
Well, let’s get out the mother vote! YAY for mom’s!! Mine is currently in the Philippines and I kinda miss her…ok, I miss her a lot. And yeah, I see mother all over me. So yeah, this was a markedly better number than they gave Baby Lockthemdoors. And, she looked pretty for the first time tonight. Hmmmm..suddenly I’m not sure if Baby Lockthemdoors has a lock on tonight. Of course, she was high as a kite when she sang it…something Steven Tyler knows ALL about! So, I ain’t hatin.

Well y’all…that’s it! The big night is over! Non-plussed is the word of the night! Is it because it’s all country tonight? Perhaps! I’m pullin for Baby Lockthemdoors just cuz he vibrates that voice and knows how to work the hell out of a stage! He’s a true pro that, in my humble and totally meaningless opinion, is maybe the male version of Carrie Underwood! Yeah, I said it!! Someone needs to! All right y’all…go vote!

The Final Countdown

May 19, 2009

Now listen here kids, I am not in any kind of mood to be dealing with any sass from you about what I’m fixin to say! I’m just not! Don’t have it in me! I’m tired, my damn driver is stuck in some sort of traffic and I have a very early appointment with one very strict personal trainer who is going to work me over until I turn into some sort of wet noodle like humanoid. So, no, I’m just not interested in hearing about it from the likes of you!

First off, because of the good Farmacist’s apparent interest in this season of Idol and, as a [very generous] reward for having made the first ever votes, I traded favors like no tomorrow and scammed and scored two tickets to tonight’s little shindig at the NOKIA.

As luck would have it, right next door, my hometown team the Lakers were bouncing a little orange ball around a hardwood floor in a hard-fought victory over Carmello and his Nuggets. Now listen kids, I know that we won because I’ve been checking the scores out between performances. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about what went on in the damn NOKIA tonight!

First off, the judges actually gave a sh*t about their appearance. Except for Paula who looked like she had been left outside just a little too long and was fried up in a shade that would make my chef damn proud were he cooking up fried shrimps (a favorite around my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood).

Second, there were a sh*t load of screaming MO-RONS in the damn NOKIA! My head probably would have been in a better shape had I traipsed over to the Staples Center and had Kobe bounce his ball all over me.

And third, Kara SU,UUUUUCKS!

But really, we’re here to see who the hell did the damn thing already and wrapped up this little competition. Now, Guy-Liner did not win the coin toss and, like the quiet, but uber-smart child that he is, Kris banished him to perform first. So, let’s talk about these performances.

Mad World
Change Is Gonna Come
No Boundaries

Reprising one of his better performances from this past season, Adam came out in full on Marilyn Manson regalia and damn near brought the house down. Kids, this child is a performer from the word GO! With the hair and the eyeliner, the jacket and that damn dry ice sh*t damn near sickening me from my perch just a little too close to the stage, it was just something else! He performed this number even better than earlier in the season.

Now for the second number, Simon someone or other, the old geezer now in charge of running this pompous show, plucked out of his well-worn tall hat a little Sam Cooke number! And lawd kids, this child damn near sang this song to perfection! Woo, I will say this is the best I have EVAH heard this child perform! The real question is, did it get my vote. Winner of Round 2!

For his third number, this child was forced, yes, forced to perform the winner’s next “single!” What a farcical load of sh*t-balls this song was. Just one of the many reasons why I think Kara de’shoot me now needs to get the hell off the stage. Hell, not one damn judge (well, except herself of course) had a nice word for this song! PU-UKE! Neither child will be judged or graded on how they perform this number! HELL TO THE NO!

Ain’t No Sunshine
What’s Goin On
No Boundaries

Now listen here kids, I was hopin and a praying that I would get to see little Mr. Hot-Stuff perform that ditty he did last week that just sent me and the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, into a voting frenzy. But you know, I’m just damn glad he didn’t. That song is still fresh in my mind, but, I had forgotten about “Ain’t No Sunshine!” Damn, Damn, Damn! This child done rang my bell! I have TiVo’d this little number and will watch when I get home. I have also purchased from the iTune’s store – a place I don’t like, but frankly couldn’t help but visiting! Grouchy old Simon was right, Kris took Round 1 hands-freakin-down!

This Simon guy must have been feeling nostalgic for the “good old days” when he was a youngster as he picked a Marvin Gaye classic for baby-boy Kris. And, Kris did all right on this performance. Frankly, Randy was right, it was not quite a big enough song for that big old theater. But, it wasn’t nearly as bad as Simon said. I could give a f*ck less what the other two judges thought.

Lawd kids, this dumb b*tch Kara has rambled on and on acting like she’s she queen sh*t around this pompous-ass show tonight. Given the “reception” that the audience gave this song tonight (don’t know how it translated onto the telly), she should go hide her head in shame. We LAUGHED out loud as this disaster of a “single” and could give neither Kris nor Adam an advantage based on this damn song!

Now listen, I’m STILL sitting in some f*cked up traffic and I ain’t happy about it. The good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, has been self-medicating and is snoring like a damn grizzly bear. I just wanna climb into bed already! Tomorrow night, we’ll find out who is taking home the whole enchilada. In truth though, these two are mighty fine performers and will have long and successful careers ahead of them. While we’ve got our favorite here at Idol Chatter, we won’t be disappointed whatever the outcome! Which, in our minds, is perhaps what makes this the best season of Idol ever!