Delusions of Grandeur

May 11, 2010

Listen, I’m tired as hell thanks to a trans-continental flight that has left me somewhat exhausted and definitely bitchy. I am not in any kind of mood to deal with that bubble-headed mic-jockey or listen to sanctimonious pricks hiding behind their coca-cola glasses and I’m for sure not in the mood to listen to musical forgery passed off as genius by four wanna be “artists.” I whole-heartedly agree with the Professor’s mother who said she has reached the “apex of ennui.”

Lee sucked! Sorry but he did!

Big Mike kinda sucked. The choir was a nice touch that didn’t really pay off. The whole freeing of the willies discussion made me ever so uncomfortable and, like Simon, so confused.

Oh yay, a duet with Lee and Momma Sox. Bigger YAY that it didn’t suck! Although whoever said it was “relevant” just dropped their pocket-book and let their “real” age pop out.

Goldilocks looked live a giant robotick dork. Couldn’t get past that weird bobbing of the head to actually listen. Major FAIL!

Momma Sox rocked one of my favorite highschool tunes. This child straight up twisted Kenny Loggins number into somethin that was in fact, relevant. This chick’s better’n all right!

And to follow that masterful performance we are given dueling musical vom. Oh hell, I can’t even watch. Y’all saw that mess that seemed like it would last ev-AHHHh. On the plus side, it was nice to finally know Ellen has loved a woman.

That’s all I got.

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Rat Pack Swag

May 4, 2010

The music of Ole Blue Eyes as seen through the masterful lens of Harry Connick, Jr. Wow! That should mean an amazingly great night. Of course the first tease I saw had that Douchstress of Awful, Kara D. blathering on about Rat Pack Swagger which made me vom just a little in my throat. I’m hoping like hell that’s not a bad omen (and you know how those of us from the Big Easy believe in our omens). Well, no time to get caught up in that flight of mental idiocy. My LA Lakers are bouncing their balls all over the court in an effort to win some sort of ball handling championship and little Aaron aka “Big Mike” is on deck.

Aaron
Fly Me to the Moon
I mean, it’s hard to eff up when you got Harry on the keys. Big Ellen said “beautiful” vocals. Like that. Kara just drones on and on. Ok look, this wasn’t over-the-moon great for me, but it might’ve been enough.

Casey
Blue Skies
Already loving the look tonight. I mean drooling over the look tonight. But it ain’t about looks, how’s the sound? Oh SH*T!! Well, here’s the positive, um, um, well I loved the first and last notes. Plus, he looks H. O. T. So, you know, there’s that.

Momma Sox
Summer Wind
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. I just don’t have any other…WAIT, WTF is Randy saying?! WTF are these judges smokin???

Big Mike
The Way You Look Tonight
I don’t mean to be mean but, geezus crackatoa, this guy and his performance made me want to projectile vom. Again, WTF is Randy smokin? Oh hell, can Simon bring reality? No! Dis-Gus-Ting!!

Lee
That’s Life
Oh damn, bringin out the organ…lawd y’all I’m back home in the bayou…oh hell y’all…bring out tha white hanky! This white boy just brought down tha damn house!!!! That’s life y’all!!

Now listen here y’all, I’m feelin my roots somethin feirce and still kinda groovin to the sounds of my [misspent] youth. I’m also wondering how the heck Lady GaGa and Harry Connick, Jr. gonna make one cohesive “get your ass off the stage” show.


From this moment

April 27, 2010

At least one of us here at Idol Chatter has been a fan of Miss Shania Twain for so long we can barely remember a time when we weren’t. Living on the prairie in the middle west, she was the soundtrack that bumped and grooved us on more nights than we care to think about. Grooving in our candy-apple red Firebird (you know, the one with the phoenix painted in gold on the hood and with t-tops). Cutting school and headin out to play some football, we boys would throw off the top, pile into ole bessie and scream at the top of our lungs, “man, I feel like a woman…” Oh lawd, what were we thinking. The many children we’ve gone on to have between us would be horrified to think of their daddies behaving in such a decidedly bizarre manner. But lawd y’all, did we ever have fun. And right down to the last one of us, we were in love, love, love with Miss Shania Twain. So it did our hearts a heap load of good to see this mistress of country meets pop as our “mentor” for the evening. And, can we just make note here that when it comes to mentoring, Miss Twain did NOT disappoint!

Lee
You’re still the one
Ok, Lee just opened up tonight’s show way strong!! WOW!! Loving him so much right now. Momma Sox better watch her back!

Big Mike
It only hurts when I’m breathing
Most of the time lately I can say it only hurts when he’s singing. Today it didn’t hurt as much, however, by the time the show ended a few minutes ago and I started putting on the final touches to this bit, I had forgotten what he performed or in fact that he even had performed. Not a good sign.

Casey
Don’t
Don’t stop! Please, don’t stop! Lord y’all, tonight we fell in love with Goldilocks all over again and this time, it was NOT because he’s as dreamy as the sun glistening off of a heavenly body in one of those Bain de Soleil commercials. Simon was right to send Goldilocks down to physically accost Miss Twain.

Crystal
No one needs to know
Why has this child’s boyfriend (who by the way is just cute as a button) not stepped up and done the dang thing already. Huh? I am actually in love with this child’s falsetto which we have not heard before. Yes, this was not her best performance, but still, it was in a league all by itself…again.

Aaron
You’ve got a way
For the first time this entire season, I hit the rewind button on my remote and watched a number again (and yes, again). I have thought this child wasn’t really all that great, but tonight I fell in love. I thought of my own momma and thought “what a great tribute.” And then I thought, “damn Ellen, you right, how are we gonna pick?!”

Siobhan
Any man of mine
Poor song selection! And again I’m struck with the thought “why do these judges like this little trollop so much?” She wrecked and ruined one of the numbers we use to bellow out the top of our Firebird from back in the day on the prairie in the middle west. I do NOT like this child and will discuss her no more.

Tomorrow night’s gonna be difficult. Not that I don’t have my least favorite’s all picked out:

# 1 – Siobhan
# 2 – Big Mike
# 3 – Aaron (although not based on tonight’s performance)


Smoke ’em if ya got ’em

April 20, 2010

We here at Idol Chatter have always been a little partial to that holiday of the gods, aka 420. As you’ll remember from season’s past, that Farmacist, Dr P Haze, has been known to provide herbal remedies to help cope with some of the less than stellar performances we’ve been subjected to over the seasons. So, in honor of this holiday, we raise our piece and pray to the gods that boutylicious songstress, that fabulous Miss Alicia Keys slips some elixer to these frauds begging for our votes. And we all pray that Ryan (“cocaine’s a helluva drug”) can medicate enough to make it through the entire show without the hysteronics that he pulled out his ass last week. Now let’s boldly toke together and [again] thank the gods for sending that goddess of sultry.

Casey
Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow
Same old. Same old. Blah. Seriously y’all, if you liked his performance two weeks ago, you liked it tonight. Why? Because they were the same. One-note wonderific!

Lee
The Boxer
This rendition of Simon & Garfunkle’s number was done up and did over to fit the modern day and boy howdy, did Lee deliver. We are not too medicated to recognize a masterful (for these frauds) performance when we hear one. This child apparently recognizes who his competition is and is doing his dangdest to throw some spike strips to slow her train.

Tim
Better days
There was nothing that indicated a better day was ahead EXCEPT…for the final note at which point we all breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was over and Tim was going home.

Aaron
I believe I can fly
Hope y’all are drinking seriously hard on this one with all that inappropriate arm waving going on. Jeezis. I sometimes believe I can cook but you won’t see me on Top Chef.

Siobhan
When you believe
I believe and have now acheived the miracle of projectile vomiting.

Big Mike
Hero
Can we watch him put on his fairy wings and fly away? Huh? Please? And can we also acknowlege that black does not slim everyone…especially when you’re poured into them.

Momma Sox
People get ready
I’m ready to crown mamma sox the winner. Stunning. No other words are necessary. Yep, “just thank the lord!” BTW…some people might say the mic stand from home looked an aweful lot like a hooka. Just sayin.

Tomorrow night we’ll have to listen to Ryan beg for our money so we can “give back.” It always makes me wonder why he can’t just give some of his own personal fortune he gets from Idol and then shut the hell up (again…”cocaine’s a helluva drug”). But as we all know, that would be asking too much. Don’t forget to add time to your DVR! Night y’all!


Saved

April 13, 2010

As all three of us who still watch Idol religiously know, last week the judges pulled Big Mike from the miry clay of rejection and set his feet on the solid ground of salvation. And, natch, they did it unanimously. We, all three of us, were much less thrilled with this rather stupid stunt and aren’t sure whether the “big save” was more like salvation or torture. Be that as it may, we’ve gotten over the conviction that was felt by some (resulting in said salvation) and have moved on to this week where two someone’s will pay the price for said salvation. Maybe it’s just me, but do I sound a little like I’ve gotten lost in campmeeting-speak hell?

Tonight salvation is coming in the forms of those two wonderful bad boys; Elvis, who you’ll be thrilled to know I’m [distantly] related to and Adam Lambert, who I’m not. Assuming these kids we sometimes call sangers, can manage to capture the spirit of Elvis as channeled through Adam, we might just be in for a dang good night. So, here goes…

Professor: Ryan said WHAT about Adam’s tongue being more talented?

Crystal
Saved

Professor: I figured it out. Ryan has become so incapable of expressing a single sincere thought that his every utterance, even the simple act of breathing, is an affront to our existence as a people.
JB: You’ve quite perfectly expressed my hatred of him. His voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Andrew
Hound Dog

Professor: Love Connie though.
JB: “how depressed is she that I’m her son?” HA!
Professor: The answer: not at all as she’s obviously rich and on lithium.

Tim
Can’t Help Falling In Love

JB: Yay for lithium! Why is Andrew sucking more each week and Tim sucking a little less?
Professor: I don’t know, but I’m ok with Tim’s tight shirts, so it’s a trend I’m willing too…er…embrace.
Professor: Also, Sue Sylvester should replace Simon next year.
JB: ROTFLMAO
JB: Wait, did you just see Tim’s “friend?” OMFG!!!
JB: “Zero to hero?” WTF is Simon smoking?

Professor: SMOKING H to the T. Simon is a pragmatist.
JB: You are right of course.

Lee
A Little Less Conversation

JB:You know, Lee is SO much like my brother…sounds like him, looks a little like him. Why isn’t my brother on Idol? Crazy!
JB: Is it me or does the crowd seem more energized than usual?
JB: And WTF is Paula Kara wearing?

Professor: Because Glee is there…

Aaron
Blue Suede Shoes

JB: Aaron did a great audition for Glee don’t ya think?
Professor: He looks like Jane Weidlin
JB: HA! Siobhan better NOT f*ck up one o my favs.

Siobhan
Suspicious Minds

Professor: Top of stairs reverse camera audience opening shot! DRINK!
Professor: Loved it! Still hate her!
JB: Right?! I forgot to say DRINK during all that inappropriate swaying when Aaron did whatever it was he did.
JB: I really can’t understand her!

Big Mike
In The Ghetto

JB: Brian Dunkleman should sue Ryan for that snarky comment!
Professor: Agreed! And why’n f*ck does the black contestant just so happen to sing the one Elvis song with “ghetto” in the title?
JB: Oh god…that was funny.
Professor: Was it the way I contracted “why in the” into why’n?
JB: Running out of time? They wouldn’t be if Ryan would learn to STFU!
Professor: Ryan should always shut up more!

Katie
Baby, What You Want Me to Do?

Professor: I think we missed Katie!
JB: We should drink more.
Professor: Also true
JB: She said horny!! Double drink!
Professor: Appropriate hand clapping! Raruty warrants a triple drink!!!! Down it!!

Casey
Lawdy, Miss Clawdy

JB: Ok, that whole baby talk thingy Ryan just did was creepy weird. Oh, and Casey’s much sexier with hair pulled back…woof.
Professor: He’s an Alien Microphone Monkey.
JB: I’ll drink to that. Andrew’s going home.
Professor: And Aaron
JB: yeah.
Professor: And Big Mike
JB: I’d love to see Big Mike go home.
JB: Geezus, what did Ryan take b4 the show?

Professor: I don’t know, but it’s not a depressant.
JB: Agreed.

Them’s our thoughts. Who you think’s goin home?


Mediocre Day’s Night

April 6, 2010

For those of us still watching this bloated, mediocre mess (and yes, there are a few of us still, even though it appears we are beginning to lose out to that other juggernaut DWTS…and for good reason I might add), tonight we were treated to the sounds of that hegemonic duo of Beatles infamy, John Lennon and Sir Paul McCartney. This prolific duo have provided the soundtrack of just about every damn body’s lives for the last umpteen years. Heck, had not that god Lennon (who shares his date of birth with me) been blown to smithereens by some dumbledorf, he’d, much like Sir McCartney, still be providing us with stellar music. Heck y’all, I still have my first edition copy of that masterful album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club that is tattered and dog-eared and scratched the hell up, but still my all time prized possession. These boys were/are masters! Unfortunately, the mediocre group of “contestants” we have this season on Idol were not up to the task. We knew that going in and well, with the exception of maybe two of the performances, our point has been proved. So, starting from the top, let’s chat real quick like about this totally mediocre day’s night.

Aaron
Long and Winding Road
Geez, was it ever! The Professor called it the “long and whiny road” and I agree! I fully expect to see this little cherub in the bottom three. You know, curse of the firsts meets lackluster performance cannot be overcome by teenage cuteness. As Simon would say, “Sorry!”

Katie
Let It Be
Looking lovely in her Pepto-Bismal colored mini, this child did a fair impression of this classic. Really though, all I could think of was “let me pee” and so, without even pausing so I could resume, I got up and left. As the Professor would say, “meh!”

Andrew
Can’t Buy Me Love
Really y’all, the only thing I could think of was “why are you doing this song out of the literally thousands you have to chose from? WHY?” Because really y’all, this was just not good! As much as I hate to say it, this guy who I want to like SO much, just didn’t cut it. He did however look like he’d be a shoe-in to play the part of Kim Jung il of North Korea in the Broadway Musical “Me So Wonewy!” (thanks Professor!)

Big Mike
Eleanor Rigby
Big Mike RUINED one of my favorite songs!!

Crystal
Come Together
Is it any wonder that the rest of the contestants (bar one or two) act like they are just time/space killers until the winner is announced? Huh? I mean, get real, we all know Crystal is destined to be shown the door when we get to the number FOUR spot at which point she’ll go on and have a stellar career ala Daughtry and Miss Jennifer Hudson. I mean really, there is NO competition this season…NONE…for this child! Love Momma Sox!!

Tim
All My Lovin
Looking like he might taste like “mountain dew and starburst” (again, thanks Professor) and sounding “good for Tim”, this child gave us a heapin pile of “what the eff ever!” Another solid bottom three performance!

Casey
Jealous Guy
Now here was a surprise! A total surprise! This is NOT the number I would have remotely picked for goldilocks! But Simon was [again] right when pronouncing this performance to be “ginormous!” The Professor did point out that Randy said “pitch” and as we all know in this new iteration of the Drunk Paula game, this meant drink. I seem to have done a lot of drinking tonight.

Siobhan
Across the Universe
WTF was that? I do NOT understand this child’s attraction. And geezis, what was she wearing. She looked like “Little Bo Peep meets Whore” and it, much like her performance (and weepy after-chat), didn’t work. I wish like hell we’d see her in the bottom three, but we won’t. She’ll probably end up winning. She’s just retarded! Sarah Palin can suck it!

Lee
Hey Jude
With his “dude who lost his parade” bagpipe player, Lee turned in a another solid, albeit weird, performance. The worry wort’s confidence is on the rise and that, my friends, is a good thing.

Now listen, perhaps the funniest moment of the night had absolutely nothing to do with the music, but rather a comment made by Momma Sox who said of Andrew and Lee, right out loud, that she was “so glad they can be together and get married and have lots of little Danny Gokey babies.” While Andrew’s wife may not appreciate the comment (and Danny Gokey might not either), that was just funny on so many damn levels!

And so ends another mediocre night on the fading Idol.


Ryan, STFU!

March 30, 2010

The title says it all. Ryan’s audition for Simon’s soon-to-be-vacated spot needs to be over already. Listen y’all, it has gotten so bad, I may have to quit watching just to shut up that smirking moralizing insidious voice. And as long as I’m gonna be honest, what the hell was up with the hard-sell for Usher’s new CD? Use to be that just being the celebrity guest on the show would be all that was necessary, but not now apparently. Ryan is acting like Idol is another extension of his top 40, I-wish-I-was-Dick-Clark radio show. Funny that we’re right back to to telling Ryan to STFU!! I better take my own advice and get off this topic before I have some massive coronary.

Siobhan
I would not walk through the fire or any other place to hear that shrieky, dare I say it, pitchy mess again. It was made worse by Ryan’s re-polling of the judges…and that outfit. The ex actually liked this mess which is odd given that despite all the ex’s many, many faults, music appreciation is not one of them.

Casey
In the past I’ve said it really doesn’t matter if this boy can sing because he’s just so easy on the eyes. So, in an effort to be “all about the music” I closed my damn eyes for this performance! This child can sang!! I mean, ok, he’s not bad. It’s not like he makes me want to get up and shout like I’ve been to revival meeting down at grandmomma’s church in the bayou, but, he’ll have a nice career in Vegas!

Big Mike
The ex seems to be in a parallel universe tonight which was much like our relationship. We seem to look at the same damn thing and hear something totally different. It’s become passe! Here’s the deal, everybody loved this quite stunning performance, everyone except for the ex whose skin crawls at the very mention of BM’s name. I think it’s got to be partly because of the way this child pucker’s his lips and stuff…it’s off-putting!

Didi
What becomes of broke down sangers on Idol? They wave buh-bye!

Tim
I have done a search of the inter-webs and can find nothing about “teflon tim” except from a news article where, get this, Ryan was quoted as calling him such. Ryan, STFU! Poor Tim looks like he’s trying to squeeze piglets out his ass, either that or he’s high as a kite on that sh*t that keeps people up for days and days on end. I’d like to say he’ll go home, but he won’t. He’s like a bad rash that just won’t go away.

Andrew
Finally, no one mentioned the name of that number he killed back in Hollywood! Came close, but didn’t do it! YAY! Again with Ryan needing to STFU! I mean seriously Ryan, some constructive criticism for you!! Simon knows what he’s talking about and you, YOU DON’T! So, STFU! Loved Andrew’s remake of Chris Brown’s Doublemint Gum song! YAY! He’s baaaack!

Katie
Chain of boring fools is more like it!

Lee
Thanks Lee!!! BTW, what is walking pneumonia? I always thought it was something really old people got. Anyway, didn’t seem to affect this amazing performance! Love that he’s starting to feel confident although the Professor’s roomie thinks it’s coming across as a little too self-possessed. Hmmmm…poor child can’t win for losing!

Crystal
No gee-tar and in stilettos…geezis, what’s this world coming to?! But really, this child could walk about bare-ass-nekid and slay it! She could play whatever instrument tickled her fancy and slay it! She just slays it period! The ex and I are in absolute agreement that this child has winner written all over her! Both Kara and Ryan need to STFU!

Aaron
Where did this child come from all the quick sudden? Agree with Simon that this was not the best rendition we’ve heard on Idol of this song…but it was a damn site better than anything he’s done to date.

Ok kids, that’s all I got. Unlike Ryan, I do know when to STFU!