Ryan, STFU!

March 30, 2010

The title says it all. Ryan’s audition for Simon’s soon-to-be-vacated spot needs to be over already. Listen y’all, it has gotten so bad, I may have to quit watching just to shut up that smirking moralizing insidious voice. And as long as I’m gonna be honest, what the hell was up with the hard-sell for Usher’s new CD? Use to be that just being the celebrity guest on the show would be all that was necessary, but not now apparently. Ryan is acting like Idol is another extension of his top 40, I-wish-I-was-Dick-Clark radio show. Funny that we’re right back to to telling Ryan to STFU!! I better take my own advice and get off this topic before I have some massive coronary.

Siobhan
I would not walk through the fire or any other place to hear that shrieky, dare I say it, pitchy mess again. It was made worse by Ryan’s re-polling of the judges…and that outfit. The ex actually liked this mess which is odd given that despite all the ex’s many, many faults, music appreciation is not one of them.

Casey
In the past I’ve said it really doesn’t matter if this boy can sing because he’s just so easy on the eyes. So, in an effort to be “all about the music” I closed my damn eyes for this performance! This child can sang!! I mean, ok, he’s not bad. It’s not like he makes me want to get up and shout like I’ve been to revival meeting down at grandmomma’s church in the bayou, but, he’ll have a nice career in Vegas!

Big Mike
The ex seems to be in a parallel universe tonight which was much like our relationship. We seem to look at the same damn thing and hear something totally different. It’s become passe! Here’s the deal, everybody loved this quite stunning performance, everyone except for the ex whose skin crawls at the very mention of BM’s name. I think it’s got to be partly because of the way this child pucker’s his lips and stuff…it’s off-putting!

Didi
What becomes of broke down sangers on Idol? They wave buh-bye!

Tim
I have done a search of the inter-webs and can find nothing about “teflon tim” except from a news article where, get this, Ryan was quoted as calling him such. Ryan, STFU! Poor Tim looks like he’s trying to squeeze piglets out his ass, either that or he’s high as a kite on that sh*t that keeps people up for days and days on end. I’d like to say he’ll go home, but he won’t. He’s like a bad rash that just won’t go away.

Andrew
Finally, no one mentioned the name of that number he killed back in Hollywood! Came close, but didn’t do it! YAY! Again with Ryan needing to STFU! I mean seriously Ryan, some constructive criticism for you!! Simon knows what he’s talking about and you, YOU DON’T! So, STFU! Loved Andrew’s remake of Chris Brown’s Doublemint Gum song! YAY! He’s baaaack!

Katie
Chain of boring fools is more like it!

Lee
Thanks Lee!!! BTW, what is walking pneumonia? I always thought it was something really old people got. Anyway, didn’t seem to affect this amazing performance! Love that he’s starting to feel confident although the Professor’s roomie thinks it’s coming across as a little too self-possessed. Hmmmm…poor child can’t win for losing!

Crystal
No gee-tar and in stilettos…geezis, what’s this world coming to?! But really, this child could walk about bare-ass-nekid and slay it! She could play whatever instrument tickled her fancy and slay it! She just slays it period! The ex and I are in absolute agreement that this child has winner written all over her! Both Kara and Ryan need to STFU!

Aaron
Where did this child come from all the quick sudden? Agree with Simon that this was not the best rendition we’ve heard on Idol of this song…but it was a damn site better than anything he’s done to date.

Ok kids, that’s all I got. Unlike Ryan, I do know when to STFU!


Magic Carpets

March 23, 2010

Oh lahrd y’all. What a mess tonight has turned into. Let’s start with the positive. Gosh, the contestants all looked awful purdy tonight!

I wish I could be like “E” and pass off the musical critiques to Simon and Kara but, that ain’t what I’m [not] paid for. So let’s dive right in.

Lee
Looked good. More in the moment. Unmemorable. Has a decent base so will probably survive the curse of the firsts.

Paige
Mercy me, what a disaster of ginormous purportions. The ex, who I found sprawled on my sofa after a lovely dinner out (great way to sour a stomach), practically shouted that this hefer was headed home…all five of her.

Tim
Silly. Why is this no talent (unless rock hard abs count) having child still on the big stage? Stoopid little girls and boys who are voting hormonally. That’s why! Bit of advice, just because you got a little wet or popped a boner when this child slid his hair across the stage, doesn’t mean he can sing. Not even remotely.

Aaron
Let’s just stick with this cold/tonsilitis story and call it a night, shall we?!

Crystal
It’s official. This child can sing. Best. Damn. Performance. Of. The. Night. Love this child and her magic carpet.

Big Mike
Bored. To. Tears.

Andrew
I wish I hadn’t heard this song through the grapevine or any other damn place. Kinda looked like Kim Jung Ill from North Korea. Sad cuz I like this child a lot.

Katie
Cute. So there’s that.

Casey
I really don’t understand the appeal unless it’s the smile, the hair, the come-hither eyes. Oh hell, this is one purdy child. I have no idea if he can sing.

DiDi
What the hell was that? Huh? Really? I mean I’d already pegged the five Paiges to be going home, but after this bunch of mess, I might have to rethink that position.

Siobhan
The ex has proclaimed this child the white Patty LaBelle. Really? Because I just think it’s a whole shreiking bunch of a mess. But what do I know? Well, I do know I wish she looked on stage like she did in that fluff piece.

Now the ex has accused me of being in too foul a mood to write tonight’s review. In fact, the ex went as far as to text the Professor and suggest I bow out of my reviewing responsibilities. I told the ex to eff off. And I’m unanimous in this.

With visions of a girl named Crystal strumming me like that geetar swung around her neck, I’m climbing onto that magic carpet for dreamland. Night y’all.


Finally, it gets good

March 16, 2010

The actual show begins!  This is my 2nd favorite Idol night…The final 12 performers is the big stage and whole (or almost whole) songs.  The only thing better is top 6 when they perform twice per show.  I like that because they can screw up and then totally redeem themselves.  Or, more interestingly, kill the first one and then screw it up by bombing on the second.

First things first – I drink wine when I watch this show as it’s the only way to retain my sanity.  Now that we can’t play “Drunk Paula“, we need a new way to play.  So, I have “Yo, check it out”, “Pitchy”, “inappropriate swaying or clapping”, or  “anyone crying” for a toast, and you have to drink your whole drink when Ellen has absolutely nothing positive to say.

Rolling Stones night, so let’s jump right in –

Big Mike – Meh.

/Ryan approaching the Judges’ Table / Scripted exchange with
Simon was STUPID

Didi – Meh.

/Ellen “You made ‘Fire’ a two-syllable word…”  Um, Fire is a two syllable word.

Casey – Reminds me of those Old Navy commercials.  He’s “aight’, he sings, but he absolutely does not perform.  Decidedly wooden.

Lacey – SO BAD.  Can not believe she’s even on the show.

Andrew Garcia – “I thought he was going to be a Custodian”?  Wow.  Go back and check out what Moms wore on National Television.  Red Pant, Leopard Print Shirt and Wig.  Fabulous.  Too bad he was so bad it hurt.  I mean, there’s no way you’re going to one up Mick, but he wasn’t even trying.

/Randy – PITCHY!  Drink!

/Ellen – “What do I know?  It’s your best performance.”  Basically, you know nothing, Ellen, because it wasn’t.

/Kara – In her first salient critique, reminded everyone that the song was about the Vietnam War and was expecting more intensity.

/Simon – What do you want him to do, come on stage with a Tank?  LOVE SIMON.

Katie – She said “Pitch” in her bio.  Drink!  UM.  WTF is she wearing?  The halo light for seriousness doesn’t make good friends with frizzy hair.  The lighting director should’ve stopped that from happening.  She sounds really strained and boring, as though the two were possible to be at the same time, and yet here we are.

*Enough with the studio-planted audience members swaying hands and clapping to every song, even songs where it’s wholly inappropriate.  It’s false and annoying.

/Randy PITCH!  Drink!

/Ellen – PITCHY!  Drink!

/Kara – It was better than last week.

/Simon – “You lost the emotion” – Well said.

Tim Urban – Under my thumb.  I hate his hair.  Oh, and everything else about him.  I mean, not everything, but, wait…yes, everything.  The serious a capella bridge with the Reggae beat was really bad.

/Kara – Twice now has said “I totally get what the guys are saying”.  Stop saying that.   Ellen’s not a guy.  Stop saying that.

/Simon – “It was a crazy decision.”  Well, so was bringing his lame ass back.  Anybody miss Alex Lambert yet?  Cuz at least he could sing.

Siobhan Magnus – Paint in Black.  Drama packed and started by sitting on the stairs.  More inappropriate clapping.  It wasn’t terrible actually.  The screech at the end nearly forced an aneurysm.  She sang ok other than that, but did a great job performing actually.  I was pleasantly un-annoyed.

/Ryan – “You look…stunning.”  Felt like he meant it.  She did look pretty good, so good on Ryan.

Lee Dewyze – Beast of Burden.  Is he crying?   I don’t care, he is the best so far tonight and I would really like to hear some old Bob Seger.  Consistent, not flashy, I think he killed it.

/Kara – “…It’s not as PITCHY!”  Drink!

/Simon – Made Lee cry even more.

Paige Miles – Honky Tonk Woman.  Now this is a song you clap to.  And WOW!  Where did she come from?  Wrecked it.  Sounded great, looked fantastic.  Kinda funny watching her sing the lyrics, which were reversed because she’s a girl, when she got to the line “…he blew my nose and then he blew my mind…” right after her Church story.  Nice unintended juxtaposition, A.I.  I don’t really think that she knows what that lyric means.

Aaron Kelly – Angie.  Again with the stairs.  New hair looks fantastic.  I like this.  More inappropriate arm swaying…Drink!  He sounds really good.  Letter perfect execution vocally, but he needs to move around a little more, but that’s trivial.   He killed it.

/Ryan – “How difficult was it for you to connect with and learn.”  Really stupid question, Ryan, even for you.

Chrystal Bowersox – Her Dad crying wins the bio contest.  D  Janis Joplin, Bonnie Raitt and Melissa Etheridge reinvented.  Fabulous.

/Simon – “…you need to go out there every time and kill it.”

Well said.

Prof.