Hair-tastic!

March 25, 2009

Now kids, you’re gonna have to listen real fast like cuz I’m just too pissed off to do much else besides fast. Those dumb-asses over at my local FOX affiliate hit the switch and then went for a ciggy break or some damn thing completely leaving me with a fine picture on my tee vee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear picture – but with absolutely NO sound. Lawd, I was a cursing and a screamin at the poor little gurl over at the FOX station who was frantically looking for whomever had caused this catastrophy. That’s not to say I missed much, only the first performance by that fraud Matt Giraud. And from what I heard of the replay, it wasn’t that damn good anyway.

But listen, today was all about the smooth and classic sounds of Motown. And lawd was I ready! One would think that the Motown sound was perfectly suited to certain of the voices that are parading around this stage like they’ve already got a damn recording contract. Oddly enough, those who should have succeeded tonight did not and the ones who I would not have chosen to excel did just that.

Now the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, tramped by to sample a little of the super my long-suffering chef had whipped up and as a payment, slipped a little of the “medication” that is carried around in a secreted little bag. I’m not going to blame the medication for causing me to fall asleep during this way too damn long show. Then again, who else is to blame. I would like to say that I played the Drunk Paula game, but between all the head-bobbing down in Simon’s lap, I found myself out of rules for what to do in that situation. Lawd, that child is a wreck!

But listen, I’ve promised to be quick, so…

Matt Giraud
Let’s Get It On

I had no sound so I can’t judge this performance. But based on those gawd-awful facial expressions, this child was clearly in pain and needed to be excused so as to call on the good Farmacist for a quick course in pain medication. As this child sang first, I will expect to see him in the bottom three.

Kris Allen
How Sweet It Is

Now here’s the deal kids, this child isn’t bad, he’s just not a winner! As one fellow said, he “carries himself like someone who snuck onstage and is afraid of being found out.” Cold! But true!

Scott MacIntyre
You Can’t Hurry Love

This child will make an amazing wedding singer! He falls far short of the mark when it comes to trying to compete with these other frauds and fraudettes. Please put this child out of our collective misery!

Megan Joy
For Once In My Life

For once in my life I wished I was sleeping and had missed this little performance. Lawd, the child looked quite fetching in that little number with the hair all cute and pinned up. But, egads, my dogs set about howling when she hit full stride.

Anoop Desai
Ooh, Baby, Baby

Now kids, I’m just not quite sure how I felt about this damn performance. Vocally this child was quite stunning, but like Simon, I was left a little unsettled by that limpid performance. So you tell me…what now?

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Too Proud To Beg

How this child managed to hang on after last week’s disastrous debacle is beyond me. For a second week in a row, I’m gonna call this child the one to hit the road. He was damn atrocious. All the gods in the heavens must surely have stopped up their ears when that bunch of mess hit the stage!

Lil Rounds
(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave!

Now listen, some blathering fools have decided that because this child is black, she some how must be the one to represent the Motown sound. No, they didn’t actually say that, but we all damn well knew what they meant! And maybe they were right! Except she didn’t! She laid down and wet herself, just when she needed to be great! So damn disappointing…and that f’d up hair! Lawd, don’t get me started on this child I have loved since the first moment I saw her strut her fine and sexy stuff across my big ass tee vee! Tonight she just fell down!

Danny Gokey
Get Ready

Now I love this child’s voice. It makes me want to do bad things…lawds in the heavens! But tonight he just pissed me off! When the great Smokey Robinson tells you to do something to a damn song, ya do it! And he didn’t! And for that reason alone, I’m pissed! Also because he sorta sucked!

Adam Lambert
Tracks of My Tears

Kids, I just don’t know what to say about this child! This is the second week in a row that I have been surprised as hell by his vocal performances…in a good damn way! But that hair…egads!

Allison Iraheta
Papa Was a Rolling Stone

Lawd, this child just wrecked it tonight!! I will buy that damn CD! I did not care that she had stuck some kinda weird orangish/reddish thing on her head…it just didn’t matter! Cuz this child strutted around that stage like a damn pro-fesh-ion-al! Just sayin! I would pay good money!!! Hands down, my favorite performance of the night!

But listen kids, I need to hit the hay! I’m tired, half drunk, certainly medicated beyond all good sense! I think Michael’s in the bottom three again and this time, I think he’ll be hittin the bricks! What you think?


Flu-like symptoms

March 18, 2009

Ok kids, here’s the deal! I’ve somehow managed to land smack dab in a pile of flu-like symptoms that don’t make me very amenable to anything and certainly not writing about that Opryland fiasco we were treated to tonight. Now kids, I like’s me some country and western music as much as the next person and that skin and bones country crooner Randy Travis certainly is at the top of the heap in the gun-rack-in-the-back-window-of-my-pickup-truck crowd. In fact, I was a good mind to invite Mr./Mrs. Redneck over cuz lawd knows they love them some Randy Travis. I didn’t because I’m feelin less than and because they decided to fly the coop down to Ala-somewhere or other to reconnect with their roots. Lawd, I don’t know who to be scared for.

But listen, I’ve digressed. Frankly, if I’m being honest – and we know I always am – I just wasn’t too enthused. It wasn’t that anyone sang terribly badly, it’s just, I wasn’t feelin’ it. There is one who is totally and undoubtedly out of his league. The blind guy is a really nice guy who would totally finish first if this was a show to pick America’s favorite wedding singer. But it’s not!

Since I’m feelin under it, I’m gonna cut this short and concentrate on those fraudulent country and western crooners who did something less than dazzle as they paraded their “talent” across that indulgent stage for 30 million (right) of us to see –

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Going Down (Til the Sun Comes Up)

The sun has risen for this oil rig roughneck and he’s goin’ down! Trust me! He did not sing terribly badly, tis true, BUT, he sang first and get real, unless he’s your pick to win the whole damn thing (hello all three of you), then you’ve totally forgotten than he even sang. You know it, and I know it! Hell, I forgot he sang before the show was even over.

Allison Iraheta
Blame it on Your Heart

Paula for once was quite lucid when she held forth that this child could sing the damn alphabet and do it well!! While I can’t stand that nasty lookin mop she has placed upon her little 16 year old head, I do quite like what comes out of this child’s mouth. She got pipes!

Kris Allen
To Make You Feel My Love

I did not feel this child’s love, or anything else. I was just damn bored. He certainly is a cute child and I loved the ring on his finger – just stunning – but, if that’s all I remember, then lawd kids, that just ain’t much!

Scott MacIntyre
Wild Angels

Wild what? Look, this child did my cousin’s ex a favor by croonin when he married the cuz’s replacement. And I don’t hold that against him! I truly don’t! In fact, I think he has quite a career croonin to love-birds as they celebrate that special day that starts the long hard road to divorce court. I’m not bitter, I’m just sayin.

Lil Rounds
Independence Day

Now listen here, we like us some Lil Rounds and it doesn’t matter a damn bit what Simon calls her…we will love that child until the day she is placed out to pasture. This will not be the week! It won’t! Obviously she isn’t a country and western star in the making. We know that! So do you! But she was pretty damn good considering!

Adam Lambert
Ring of Fire

Lawd, this child is something else. Now listen, all the gay boys are just in love with this child because of his over the top performances…and maybe, just a little bit because of this picture. I have refused to get on board because this child is just too much! But lawd kids, these drugs the good Farmacist has prescribed must be doin something to my mind, because I quite liked the hot mess that was Adam tonight!! BRAVO!

Alexis Grace
Jolene

Now listen kids, all I can think of right now is that I’m gonna be stuck with Jolene running through my head as I try to fade off into sleepytime land! I just don’t have words for this tacky performance! None what-so-ever!

Danny Gokey
Jesus Take the Wheel

I have liked this child for some time (partly in protest over the untimely departure of his man-friend Jamar), but tonight I could have done without! As Simon often says, it was indulgent! Quit preaching! We just don’t care! And we also don’t care about only the big notes cuz if you can’t support them with spot-on smaller notes, then who cares about the big ones! Come on!!!

Anoop Desai
You’re Always on My Mind

Oh Lawd, this child’s performance plumb makes me take back every little thing I said about this child last week!! I will dream and fantasize about this child and his, um, performance as soon as my head hits the pillow!!!

Megan Joy
Walkin’ After Midnight

This child is fun and quirky and we like her! She may have been sicker’n’a dog, but lawd we admire that she came out and sang her purty little heart out!! Feelin like we do right now, we could not have done what she did! She got our vote tonight (even if she left Ms. Vodkalips feelin’ cold and clammy like our flu-like symptoms)!!

Matt Giraud
So Small

I do believe this child just rang every bell in my house!! Had I not already declared my intent for Ms. Megan Joy, I would be given my vote to this fella!!! Lawd!!! This child done just sang the house down and replaced that Gokey fella as the reigning “singer” of the bunch! Can he keep it up? We shall see!!

Now listen, I’m gonna take my ass to bed and try to pull it together! Now listen here kids, I’m makin the prediction that we’ll be losing that oil rig roughneck fella. What you think?


Isn’t 13 bad luck?

March 11, 2009

Now listen here kids, once again I don’t have but a damn minute to whack this little bit of on-line nonsense out. My damn driver has informed me after last week’s little hissy fit of honking that I’d better be on-time otherwise my ass will be left behind. Now if you asked me, and no one has as of yet, that damn fool is begging to lose his status as my driver since I’m the one writing out his damn check.

Now y’all are probably wondering what the hell happened to me last week since there were no notifications or any sort of releases from my casa high in the hills above Hollywood after last week’s rather bizarre ending that saw our top expand to a size 13. Now kids, I’ve got nothing against adding someone to an already over-bloated roster…but why 13? My sainted grandmother, may she rest in peace with all the spirits she was so fond of calling up during her long and fulfilling lifetime, was as superstitious as they come and she would not be thrilled with this tempting of the fates by bringing our number up to 13. I was half afraid to climb into bed lest she torment me in my dreams about this unseemly development.

Now kids, if I’m being honest, as we know I always am, I was called away from my big ass teevee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear image – by a rather big-headed Hollywood Jew Lawyer who came over to whisper in my ear some news of a decidedly confidential nature. Now kids, I don’t know sh*t from shinola about the goings on behind the scenes over at that bloated and irrelevant show we watch so faithfully called Idol, but lawd kids, that Ms. Jew Lawyer sure does. Ohhhh Lawd, to say I was shocked and appalled at some of the filth pouring out of her mouth is just the understatement of the year. I was of a good mind to ring up that metrosexual of metrosexuals and register my horror until of course I remembered that (i) what flitted in to my wide open ear was confidential (as if…I live in Hollywood) and (ii) I was drunker’n’a’skunk so I coulda been mistaken.

But now, my only reason for bringing up Ms. Jew Lawyer’s visit was that I missed hearing a couple of those damn frauds belt out what they are calling performances. Although, let’s get real, even the replay of Jasmine, poor thing, was enough to tell me I hadn’t missed a damn thing. Oh lawd, that child didn’t go there did she? What a mess…even if she’s a cute one.

And on the subject of messes, good lawd, Paula was in straight up rare form. Brother-man sent me a covert message over the Facebook stating that he thought she was a rather lousy representative for whatever medication they had given her. Me…lawd, I just wanted some. And let me tell you a damn thing or two…don’t play Drunk Paula at home alone unless you enjoy finding yourself splayed sh*t-faced on the floor. And the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze did not help matters by dropping by rather unannounced with a self-prescribed bottle of his own special medication designed to make the world disappear into some sort of haze. Lawd, even in my foggiest of states, it is apparent that child is working an angle.

Now kids, that old lush D.C. Vodkalips was a hollerin into my iPhone about something or other, lawd love her. I think what she was saying was that Danny Gokey got her hot n’ bothered. Now if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, that child is about the best thing on the damn show. Lawd, I’d give my only child for just a quick moment with he and his man-friend.

But listen here, that fool driver of mine has blasted the horn and I haven’t had a moment to write up these moe-rons that massacred those songs recorded so lovingly by the Progeny’s idol, that White Lady herself, Miss Michael Jackson. So, with horn a blowin in the background, a head a beatin like the drums in Ricky Miner’s band, here’s a quick rundown –

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Love this child…even her misguided outfit! She is one of the few who will overcome the curse of the firsts! Trust me…this child is just tops in my book.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep The Faith

Now, I know that this sightless prodigy serenaded my cousin’s ex and his new wifey at their wedding. And I don’t hold that against him. His performance on the other hand left a whole hell of a lot to be desired. That’s all I’m gonna say!

Danny Gokey
PTY

Pretty young thing indeed! Lawd kids, he’s not really my cup of tea, but damn that child can sing the clothes right off of me. I ended up drinking a glass just in celebration of this performance. Lawd, thank the gods that this was not the finals cuz this child woulda won hands down!

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

I wanted to be! Lawd, I know the judges thought he did swell…me…hell no!

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

And then she wasn’t…just sayin!

Kris Allen
Remember the Time

I have no comment!

Allison Iraheta
Give In To Me

Lawd kids, I love this child and her ballsyness…I did not like last night’s performance. Not even remotely. And that hair…jumpin jeebus…

Anoop Desai
Beat It

Scram. Bounce. Bugger off! Seriously! We liked you now we don’t! You’ve done killed a song we love and hold dear to our cold, dark, snarky hearts.

Jorge Nuñez
Never Can Say Goodbye

Now we like this child, but we did not like the class 1 drag performance he gave last night. Lawd, that big-haired, foul mouthed, Lady Bunny would have been proud to have given a performance half as good at the once glorious but now sadly defunct Wigstock! Whew!

Megan Joy Corkrey
Rockin Robin

Really? Why?

Adam Lambert
Black or White

This child revolts me! I cannot even believe the amount of attention the judges just pour over him. A league all his own? WTF?! I do not understand his reed-thin voice and the appeal it has. I do love his hair!

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

Poor thing…had to follow that over the top Adam fellow. In truth, I was too drunk to know whether this child strummed his gueetar with any degree of acceptability. Pity cuz I’ve liked this boy! Just tell him that it’s human nature!

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Well kids, I certainly felt dirty after watching that…and not in a good way!

So, who’s the two headed home tonight?