Now kids, you’re gonna have to listen real fast like cuz I’m just too pissed off to do much else besides fast. Those dumb-asses over at my local FOX affiliate hit the switch and then went for a ciggy break or some damn thing completely leaving me with a fine picture on my tee vee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear picture – but with absolutely NO sound. Lawd, I was a cursing and a screamin at the poor little gurl over at the FOX station who was frantically looking for whomever had caused this catastrophy. That’s not to say I missed much, only the first performance by that fraud Matt Giraud. And from what I heard of the replay, it wasn’t that damn good anyway.
But listen, today was all about the smooth and classic sounds of Motown. And lawd was I ready! One would think that the Motown sound was perfectly suited to certain of the voices that are parading around this stage like they’ve already got a damn recording contract. Oddly enough, those who should have succeeded tonight did not and the ones who I would not have chosen to excel did just that.
Now the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, tramped by to sample a little of the super my long-suffering chef had whipped up and as a payment, slipped a little of the “medication” that is carried around in a secreted little bag. I’m not going to blame the medication for causing me to fall asleep during this way too damn long show. Then again, who else is to blame. I would like to say that I played the Drunk Paula game, but between all the head-bobbing down in Simon’s lap, I found myself out of rules for what to do in that situation. Lawd, that child is a wreck!
But listen, I’ve promised to be quick, so…
Let’s Get It On
I had no sound so I can’t judge this performance. But based on those gawd-awful facial expressions, this child was clearly in pain and needed to be excused so as to call on the good Farmacist for a quick course in pain medication. As this child sang first, I will expect to see him in the bottom three.
How Sweet It Is
Now here’s the deal kids, this child isn’t bad, he’s just not a winner! As one fellow said, he “carries himself like someone who snuck onstage and is afraid of being found out.” Cold! But true!
You Can’t Hurry Love
This child will make an amazing wedding singer! He falls far short of the mark when it comes to trying to compete with these other frauds and fraudettes. Please put this child out of our collective misery!
For Once In My Life
For once in my life I wished I was sleeping and had missed this little performance. Lawd, the child looked quite fetching in that little number with the hair all cute and pinned up. But, egads, my dogs set about howling when she hit full stride.
Ooh, Baby, Baby
Now kids, I’m just not quite sure how I felt about this damn performance. Vocally this child was quite stunning, but like Simon, I was left a little unsettled by that limpid performance. So you tell me…what now?
Ain’t Too Proud To Beg
How this child managed to hang on after last week’s disastrous debacle is beyond me. For a second week in a row, I’m gonna call this child the one to hit the road. He was damn atrocious. All the gods in the heavens must surely have stopped up their ears when that bunch of mess hit the stage!
(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave!
Now listen, some blathering fools have decided that because this child is black, she some how must be the one to represent the Motown sound. No, they didn’t actually say that, but we all damn well knew what they meant! And maybe they were right! Except she didn’t! She laid down and wet herself, just when she needed to be great! So damn disappointing…and that f’d up hair! Lawd, don’t get me started on this child I have loved since the first moment I saw her strut her fine and sexy stuff across my big ass tee vee! Tonight she just fell down!
Now I love this child’s voice. It makes me want to do bad things…lawds in the heavens! But tonight he just pissed me off! When the great Smokey Robinson tells you to do something to a damn song, ya do it! And he didn’t! And for that reason alone, I’m pissed! Also because he sorta sucked!
Tracks of My Tears
Kids, I just don’t know what to say about this child! This is the second week in a row that I have been surprised as hell by his vocal performances…in a good damn way! But that hair…egads!
Papa Was a Rolling Stone
Lawd, this child just wrecked it tonight!! I will buy that damn CD! I did not care that she had stuck some kinda weird orangish/reddish thing on her head…it just didn’t matter! Cuz this child strutted around that stage like a damn pro-fesh-ion-al! Just sayin! I would pay good money!!! Hands down, my favorite performance of the night!
But listen kids, I need to hit the hay! I’m tired, half drunk, certainly medicated beyond all good sense! I think Michael’s in the bottom three again and this time, I think he’ll be hittin the bricks! What you think?