Double Whammy!

April 22, 2009

On a night that saw choreography by Drunk Paula! On a night that saw Disco Queen Thelma Houston come out in a dress that was like something from an insane Easter Bunny and a fat and balding KC from KC and the Sunshine Band totter around the Idol stage, it was almost a let down when we got to the end of the show and found out that Lil and Anoop would be exiting stage right. Well, actually, every damn one of us knew Lil was leaving, so they didn’t even bother to play and sent her straight home to be with that fine-azz huzband she has and those adorable little ankle-biters! We wish this child well!

Anoop on the other hand was a bit of a shocker. Not much because we knew! We also knew that his performance last night killed compared to his performance the night before (well yes, except for that sad last note BOTH nights!)! We also knew that he was looking hot with that scruffy facial thing and that mussy hair! But he’s gone! We aren’t shocked or anything…

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Boogie Fever!

April 21, 2009

Now listen here kids, one would usually think that Disco night would be one more hot mess up on that over-indulgent stage on that bloated juggernaut of a show called Idol. We’ve seen it happen season after season where our favorites shat all over themselves trying to prove they’ve somehow caught the disco fever! Well lawd y’all, tonight was NOT one of those nights. These frauds clearly know something about disco and they weren’t afraid to lend their debatable talents to prove it.

Now listen here real fast kids, once again I am forced to tap out this little missive via my iPhone as if I was tappin out the damn Morse Code. It’s damn near driving me insane. Not to mention that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze (who obviously wants something) has once again shimmied over the fence, past the guard dogs and was sprawled out on my sofa as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Not only that, but the good Farmacist keeps insisting on hogging the remote control AND trying to give me wet willies. We are NOT amused! Thankfully, we find our spirits lightened by this fine bunch of [mostly] in-tune singers.

Now, y’all will most certainly remember that that acerbic tongued maestro, Mr. Cowell, had given some sort of reprieve that brought out tears of joy for that Matt fellow who frankly sang like a really bad karaoke performer on the good ship lollipop last week. But, save him they did. Which means that tomorrow night’s result show will be quite spectacular as we loose not one but TWO of these damn children. Frankly, we’ve already got our two picked out. Not because they sucked, because, as we’ve already admitted, this is one HOT bunch of children. But because there are two who really and truly can’t seem to step their game up to the level that some other of the children have done.

Now kids, y’all know I could just go on and on, but frankly, we ain’t here to talk about me, we’re here to talk about these kids! Ya ready?

Lil Rounds
I’m Every Woman!

Poor Lil, she shore is every damn woman! And hell, we’ve seen ’em all parade around that stage. Now lawd y’all, we love that she got an ass-et that makes us sit up and take notice. And we love that she’s got a voice as big as all get out! We do not love that she has lost herself! Being good at mimicking stars might get ya a show at a mid-level casino in Vegas or Reno (probably Reno). But y’all, that ain’t sayin much! We love ya Lil, but you’re our first pick to boogie on outta here!

Kris Allen
She Works Hard For The Money

Oh dear gods in the heavens and any where else they may (or may not) reside! This child plum has done something to our cold, dark and snarky heart! We would stand on any street corner at any hour of the day if we thought he might croon about us! This child is workin it and we couldn’t be happier! Lawd, this was, by far, the best performance of the night! Hell, this child has gone from a timid mouse sneakin on stage to a power-house who’s just ready to f*ck some sh*t up! BAM!

Danny Gokey
September

Kids, this child shore does have a purty voice! But lawd, this child is puttin on the weight! And watchin him prance around that stage makes us think of all the homosexual sangers who lead the music at all the big mega-church wannabe’s all across this great land of ours. They just tryin so damn hard! And Ms. Kara’s right, pitch perfect! BUT…that’s the problem kids…we just can’t quite put our finger on what that BUT is that leaves us cold…but it’s for sure there!!

Allison Iraheta
Hot Stuff

Hot stuff is right! This child just knocks our socks off…even when we don’t like the song, arrangement or even the performance. That kids is some damn talent!

Adam Lambert
If I Can’t Have You

We have nothing to say except this – the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, was absolutely certain, without a doubt, that this was the worst performance of the night! We were a little shocked – heck, even the good Farmacist was shocked…but that didn’t change the verdict! We on the other hand loved, loved, loved it!

Matt Giraud
Staying Alive

This child was just so damn excited to be given a second chance at Idol life that he sang some damn song by the Bee Gee’s about livin. And well, he shouldn’t have! See.Ya.Later.Bye! We did not need to hear this and we are in total agreement with ourselves about this decision! This child we did not love and expect to see him sittin at the bus depot with that child Lil clutchin his ticket back to where-ever he came from (we don’t know and don’t care) in his lifeless hand!

Anoop Desai
Dance the Night Away

Really kids, we have no idea if that’s the name of the song! And frankly, we aren’t sure we really liked this arrangement! But we are quite certainly that Anoop-Dog looked fly as f*ck tonight! And, while we expect him to round out our bottom three, we expect to hear the smooth sounds of that lovely child’s voice for at least one more damn week!

So kids, here’s the question – Ya think I got it right in sayin that Lil and Matt got boogie fever? Or, you got someone else in mind?


At the movies!

April 14, 2009

Listen kids, once again I find my mood to be just plain old foul! My trusty little laptop has decided to behave in a manner unbecoming to an object with such a damn high pricetag! As such, I’ve had to attempt to write this little bit of nonsense on my trusty iPhone. It’s been a chore and a challenge and frankly, I’m just a little bit on the pissy side! Deal with it!

Tonight kids we were treated to a movie extravagance with that movie making god Quentin Tarantino as the “director” for tonight’s events. Now I love me some QT – there ain’t a movie better than Pulp Fiction! Period! But really, a maker of bizarre and frightening cult movies doesn’t make a musical director…in most cases! However, because we love, love, love QT, we’re not gonna bitch about his selection as mentor for tonight’s movie theme extravaganza!

We did notice, as the camera panned the damn audience that one of the members of The Boss aka Bruce Springsteen’s band was there, weird bandanna and all! And lawd kids, if that damn Katie Couric wasn’t there in all her tanned glory! Apparently every-damn-body loves American Idol. Without sounding bitter, although I sure am, it makes me angry to know that my tickets were given to some news hack!

But, we aren’t here to talk about who was, and who wasn’t, in the damn audience! We’re here to chat about those damn frauds parading around that stage all proud of themselves because they get to go on tour! Well, aren’t we just thrilled!

Now, several things have just got me riled up! The first is that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze managed to get past the gate to my compound high in the hills about Hollywood and had a lovely dinner waiting for me upon walking through the door. That would have been all fine and dandy had not I apparently made some small, imperceptible and unknowing face gesture that was perceived as “rude” and which nearly brought ruin to my whole damn night! Thankfully the good Farmacist had made a lovely dinner! The other thing that just set me sideways was this damn idea that only two judges were allowed to share their opinions with the children who were attempting to wow us with their vocal prowess! I do NOT like this turn of events! If you can’t fit all the sh*t you need to in a show then get rid of that damn Kara! She’s unnecessary!! We’ve already got dumb-ass Drunk Paula and have no need to add another loopy judge into the mix!

Thankfully my evening wasn’t a total waste! The Professor – that wise beyond words author who periodically pens little notes for this here on-line endeavor was just blowing up my trusty iPhone! Lawd, that child was in rare, rare form and made the evening way entertaining! But, we’re here to chat about songs from movies, not porns and such that we might like to fantasize about…the Professor not withstanding.

Allison Iraheta
I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing

We love this child to pieces!! We are not a particular fan of this song, but really, who cares! We love anything this child sings! Now, unfortunately, and again, we will probably see little miss red-headed-like-bozo-the-clown in our bottom three again. But don’t fear, we have a strong hunch she’ll beat back the curse of the first!

Anoop Desai
Everything I Do

Lawd kids, this child has done come on strong right when we needed him to! I thought this child was plum singin to me! We said last week that if he dropped this ball this week, we’d immediately call for him to be bounced out on that cute little kiester of his! We will not be doing any such thing! As the lez-biun who we frequently run into in our place of buziness has just said, “he’s becoming my favorite!” We agree!!

Adam Lambert
Born To Be Wild

We certainly believe this child was born to be wild! And lawd kids, we would be lying if we didn’t say that he’s just a little bit over the top! And, if we are being honest, and you know we always are, we think Simon was dead on when he said that some would love and some would just not love that performance! We know he wrecked the whole damn thing – we just don’t know if we really liked it! The hair is quite another story!! Loved it! And the outfit! In fact, the Professor has the same damn outfit! I feel the vapors coming on!

Matt Giraud
To Really Love a Woman

We are quite certain this child has never really loved a woman. Had he, he might have emoted a little something other than boring and drab! The Professor did rather lewdly suggest that Matt come over and take his clothes off…as long as he shut his mouth! The consistency issues I spoke of regarding Anoop-Dog last week seems more fitting for this child! Bottom three contender!

Danny Gokey
Endless Love

More like endless song!! Blech! Really, we love this child’s voice, but song choices are killing him! Which makes us not love him so much any more!! Sad!

Kris Allen
I Don’t Know You

There is knowledge and there is carnal knowledge! Frankly, after this performance, both the Professor and I wanted carnal knowledge of this child!

Lil Rounds
The Rose

Poor Lil, I had such high hopes for her! They are dashed! She’s lost herself! Either that or some damn vocal coach is giving her bad advice [our advice – listen child, don’t listen to Paula…she’s too damn f*cked up to be a vocal coach…just sayin!]! We expect to be waving bye-bye to Lil and that amazing ass-et of hers!

Well kids, we’ve done it – we’ve managed to whack this whole thing out on our trusty little iPhone! You kids who are into splitting hairs about grammatical and stylistic bullsh*t need to keep those damn comments to yourself! we don’t wanna hear it! What we would like to hear is thoughts on this damn movie themed week – we just didn’t get it!


When was you born?

April 8, 2009

Now listen here kids, this is not the day to play with me! No it’s not! Already several of you kids have been hammering away at me wanting to know where today’s bit of on-line nonsense is. And I’m just gonna say this once, besides technical difficulties and other such stupidity, I’ve got a pounding headache that is making me just a little bit less than my normal, good-natured, sparkling self. So deal with it!

Now kids, this weekend past has been quite the weekend. For some reason I’m still trying to suss out, it was decided to put on our best cuh-ra-zee outfit, ala LiLo, and shake our groove-thang all over the Thirty Mile Zone. Lawd kids, it’s a wonder ya didn’t see us over on the TMZ because we were out there! Now kids, all good things must come to an end, and so, I decided the best way to close out a weekend filled with too much of all things was to invite the ex, the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, up to my casa high in the hills overlooking Hollywood in hopes that a good meal, the kind my sainted grandmother from the South would fix up when we kids were a clammerin for some vitals, would persuade the good Farmacist to part with some of that medication that sits in some hidden compartment in that ever-present bag. Now lawd kids, we ate ourselves silly and in our hazed states proceeded to comment on those frauds that continue to parade around that indulgent stage over at that juggernaut of a show called Idol.

Now listen, some of those children were quite good! And one of them has been running on sympathy! Let us just say it right now, the wedding singer shtick has gotten old! We just don’t care any more and were glad to hear at least one of the judges flat out gather some balls and say it…”ya suck!”

Now kids, because my head is still swimming from a weekend of over-indulgent debauchery (and at least partially because of the good Farmacist’s “medicinal” cure), I’m just gonna get right down to business and I don’t wanna hear a damn thing from you kids about my brevity. My head won’t handle it!

Danny Gokey
Stand By Me

We have said repeatedly that we love this child! And we thought he was da bomb tonight! And, we agreed with Ms. Vodkalips in the first of our several very inebriated conversations that this was the one to vote for…until of course we heard at least two others sing circles around this child. By the time the show had closed, we really didn’t care to stand by DaGoke, in fact, we struggled to remember what that child had sung. Maybe it’s the curse of the firsts…or maybe he was just boring when compared to some of his previous performances and given the strength of his competition!

Kris Allen
All She Wants To Do Is Dance

We aren’t sure who “she” is, but up in my casa high in the hills above Hollywood, we didn’t want to do a damn thing that resembled dancing. We just didn’t care too much for this child or his performance! We did LOVE that he was wearing, for a second week, the Sunday bracelet, promoting the Invisible Children. We have all of the bracelets and would encourage those of you kids who actually pay attention to what we dribble on about here to lend your support!

Lil Rounds
What’s Love Got To Do With It

I’ll tell ya what love has to do with it…VOTES! And we did NOT love this second rate disaster from this child whose badonkadonk butt puts all sorts of nasty and naughty thoughts a zippin through our damn heads. This child had better pull her sh*t together otherwise she’s gonna be out on that rather prodigious ass-et of hers.

Anoop Desai
True Colors

Now last week we were just not thrilled with this child and believed it to be entirely appropriate for him to be sitting in the bottom three. This week, we just loved this damn child again! Our problem [natch] is the damn consistency! If next week is another bad performance then we will call for his permanent ban!

The Wedding Singer
We Don’t Care

We could give a sh*t less what this child sang or what kind of instrument he paraded out (it was bad!)! We’re just gonna say it and don’t want to hear a damn thing from you kids…this child has been receiving sympathy votes and that ain’t right! This child should be judged on his talent and not on his lack of sight! Oh, and put some damn sunglasses on his face! D.C Vodkalips and I are both in agreement that it is flat out unnerving to watch!

Allison Iraheta
I Can’t Make You Love Me

This would NOT have been our selection for this child to sing, but lawd, once again she has wowed us with her vocal prowess! We already love you child!

Matt Giraud
Part Time Lovers

Lawd kids, anyone that can re-arrange a classic by the master and then sing the hell out of it deserves our vote! We love this child and what he did! Lawd, this child sang us right out our damn clothes AND got our valued and vaunted vote!!!

Adam Lambert
Mad World

This child sits in another stratosphere from the rest of these frauds! I just don’t have anything else to say! He deserved Mr. Simon’s standing O! We gave him one too!

We’ve seen all the damn baby pictures we need to see! We think you’ll agree with that one! Now we’re gonna go out on a very thin limb here and say the wedding singer is toast!!! And you kids who are votin for him because you feel sorry for him…well, you ain’t do him no damn favors!!! So knock it off before we take ya out to the wood shed and, as our sainted grandmother was known to do, tan your bee-hind!


Blowing it!

April 1, 2009

Now listen here kids, I need to get my fat ass in bed! I’m in no mood to deal with any lip from anyone! Those damn frauds that are parading themselves around that craptacular stage over at Idol should be smacked upside the head. Or as my sainted father use to say about the child assumed to be my much younger male sibling, should be “dropped kicked to the moon!” I mean, lawd-a-mercy, what was that ginormous mess we witnessed tonight?! Huh? I just don’t know who to blame: the frauds who are calling themselves contestants OR the consultants (and I use that term ever so lightly) who are there to help them with their song selections.

Now, I’ve just slid into my casa high in the hills above Hollywood after spending another lovely evening with Bosoms Galore, her marital partner and their most adorable spawn drinking copious amounts of wine paired with some lovely cheeses and a lightly seared filet. From their penthouse overlooking this city of angels spread like a carpet below us and watching from their big ass tee-vee – the kind that hangs on the wall and costs more than your damn house – we have cursed and screamed and shaken our collective heads at this hot mess that has been foisted upon us in the name of sangin! We sat in rather stunned silence as Anoop-Dog ushered himself right into the bottom three; we refused to turn our lights up or down during Megan Joy’s mangling of Bob Marley and frankly, we were just flat out flummoxed at selections these frauds made, particularly given the amazing buffet they had at their disposal. These kids blew and not in a good way!

Now kids, I would be remiss if I said that they all sucked! They did not! In fact, one child did so good, he caused Ms. Vodkalips to ring my little iPhone up to say that she was all wet. Now kids, I know that is disturbing to hear, but lawd y’all, I was feeling a little bit beside myself as well after that child Kris pounded out that old ditty makin it all new and downright alluringly sexualized and stuff! Yes, that child did!

But listen kids, I don’t have time to sit around and hold forth on all these frauds. I really must climb between these most luxurious of sheets that have been spread out so invitingly on my place of slumber.

Anoop Desai
Caught Up

This poor child has a magnificent voice but really can’t figure out what the hell kind of song he should be singing that will showcase his talent as anything other than the winner of the Frat House Karaoke competition! And to top it off, he had the great misfortune of being selected to “perform” in the first time slot thus guaranteeing that he was totally forgotten by the time we wrapped up the show! Expect him to be in the bottom three…for sure!

Megan Joy
Turn Your Lights Down Low

Now I like this little quirky temptress! However, I just found myself less than impressed with tonight’s performance. Perhaps the only saving grace was that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze found her to be “not that bad…in fact, pretty damn good!” Shocking since the good Farmacist rarely has time to be bothered with giving an opinion on any of the contestants! Still, I’d say she’s another shoo-in for the bottom three but maybe, just maybe, she’ll stick around for another week! Maybe?!

Danny Gokey
What Hurts The Most

What hurt the most was having to suffer through this bore of a performance. And that, kids, is perhaps the most shocking thing I can say because we have loved, loved, loved this child. Tonight, Ms. Galore and I just looked at each other, yawned and stepped outside for a breath of fresh air. We couldn’t be bothered!

Allison Iraheta
Don’t Speak

This poor child is stylistically and hairifically challenged! I understand that she is 16 and trying to figure sh*t out, but jumpin beans on a pogo stick! I was slightly confused by that outfit way more than I should have been! Thankfully I remembered a little tidbit of wisdom that Ms. Vodkalips imparted several years ago…”close yer damn eyes” she slurred one night while watching a rather hideously dressed contestant! I did and again found myself in love with this child!

Scott MacIntyre
I Love You Just The Way You Are

I must have stepped away during this wedding-singer-esq performance! And really, who can blame me! Ms. Bosoms Galore’s only comment was that this child’s “hair is f*cked up!” My lovely cousin, from her trailer out in the wilderness of Kansas could only say that this child needed sunglasses! And frankly, if that’s all that can be said about this child then it’s time to send him home!

Matt Giraud
You Found Me

We weren’t looking for you! And certainly, after that performance, find it hard to make ourselves want to look for you! Egads!

Lil Rounds
I Surrender

We know this child has pipes! But really, like Kara, we ain’t tryin to hear Ms. Rounds turn herself into some damn kind of adult contemporary singer! No kids, we ain’t!

Adam Lambert
Play That Funky Music

Again, this child is good! But damn y’all, he shore ’nuff likes bein way, way, over the top! Lawd!

Kris Allen
Ain’t No Sunshine

This child sent shivers and chills a runnin’ up and down my damn spine! By 9:45p, Ms. Vodkalips was still all wet down there and had managed to vote 46 times for this child! We were still hitting the rewind button on our trusty little TiVo like device to watch and re-watch this masterpiece of a performance! We will buy this damn CD as soon as it is out!

Now listen kids, tonight was nothing but bad, bad song selection! Just about all these damn children blew it! But the real question is, who blew it bad enough to go home?


Hair-tastic!

March 25, 2009

Now kids, you’re gonna have to listen real fast like cuz I’m just too pissed off to do much else besides fast. Those dumb-asses over at my local FOX affiliate hit the switch and then went for a ciggy break or some damn thing completely leaving me with a fine picture on my tee vee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear picture – but with absolutely NO sound. Lawd, I was a cursing and a screamin at the poor little gurl over at the FOX station who was frantically looking for whomever had caused this catastrophy. That’s not to say I missed much, only the first performance by that fraud Matt Giraud. And from what I heard of the replay, it wasn’t that damn good anyway.

But listen, today was all about the smooth and classic sounds of Motown. And lawd was I ready! One would think that the Motown sound was perfectly suited to certain of the voices that are parading around this stage like they’ve already got a damn recording contract. Oddly enough, those who should have succeeded tonight did not and the ones who I would not have chosen to excel did just that.

Now the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, tramped by to sample a little of the super my long-suffering chef had whipped up and as a payment, slipped a little of the “medication” that is carried around in a secreted little bag. I’m not going to blame the medication for causing me to fall asleep during this way too damn long show. Then again, who else is to blame. I would like to say that I played the Drunk Paula game, but between all the head-bobbing down in Simon’s lap, I found myself out of rules for what to do in that situation. Lawd, that child is a wreck!

But listen, I’ve promised to be quick, so…

Matt Giraud
Let’s Get It On

I had no sound so I can’t judge this performance. But based on those gawd-awful facial expressions, this child was clearly in pain and needed to be excused so as to call on the good Farmacist for a quick course in pain medication. As this child sang first, I will expect to see him in the bottom three.

Kris Allen
How Sweet It Is

Now here’s the deal kids, this child isn’t bad, he’s just not a winner! As one fellow said, he “carries himself like someone who snuck onstage and is afraid of being found out.” Cold! But true!

Scott MacIntyre
You Can’t Hurry Love

This child will make an amazing wedding singer! He falls far short of the mark when it comes to trying to compete with these other frauds and fraudettes. Please put this child out of our collective misery!

Megan Joy
For Once In My Life

For once in my life I wished I was sleeping and had missed this little performance. Lawd, the child looked quite fetching in that little number with the hair all cute and pinned up. But, egads, my dogs set about howling when she hit full stride.

Anoop Desai
Ooh, Baby, Baby

Now kids, I’m just not quite sure how I felt about this damn performance. Vocally this child was quite stunning, but like Simon, I was left a little unsettled by that limpid performance. So you tell me…what now?

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Too Proud To Beg

How this child managed to hang on after last week’s disastrous debacle is beyond me. For a second week in a row, I’m gonna call this child the one to hit the road. He was damn atrocious. All the gods in the heavens must surely have stopped up their ears when that bunch of mess hit the stage!

Lil Rounds
(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave!

Now listen, some blathering fools have decided that because this child is black, she some how must be the one to represent the Motown sound. No, they didn’t actually say that, but we all damn well knew what they meant! And maybe they were right! Except she didn’t! She laid down and wet herself, just when she needed to be great! So damn disappointing…and that f’d up hair! Lawd, don’t get me started on this child I have loved since the first moment I saw her strut her fine and sexy stuff across my big ass tee vee! Tonight she just fell down!

Danny Gokey
Get Ready

Now I love this child’s voice. It makes me want to do bad things…lawds in the heavens! But tonight he just pissed me off! When the great Smokey Robinson tells you to do something to a damn song, ya do it! And he didn’t! And for that reason alone, I’m pissed! Also because he sorta sucked!

Adam Lambert
Tracks of My Tears

Kids, I just don’t know what to say about this child! This is the second week in a row that I have been surprised as hell by his vocal performances…in a good damn way! But that hair…egads!

Allison Iraheta
Papa Was a Rolling Stone

Lawd, this child just wrecked it tonight!! I will buy that damn CD! I did not care that she had stuck some kinda weird orangish/reddish thing on her head…it just didn’t matter! Cuz this child strutted around that stage like a damn pro-fesh-ion-al! Just sayin! I would pay good money!!! Hands down, my favorite performance of the night!

But listen kids, I need to hit the hay! I’m tired, half drunk, certainly medicated beyond all good sense! I think Michael’s in the bottom three again and this time, I think he’ll be hittin the bricks! What you think?


Flu-like symptoms

March 18, 2009

Ok kids, here’s the deal! I’ve somehow managed to land smack dab in a pile of flu-like symptoms that don’t make me very amenable to anything and certainly not writing about that Opryland fiasco we were treated to tonight. Now kids, I like’s me some country and western music as much as the next person and that skin and bones country crooner Randy Travis certainly is at the top of the heap in the gun-rack-in-the-back-window-of-my-pickup-truck crowd. In fact, I was a good mind to invite Mr./Mrs. Redneck over cuz lawd knows they love them some Randy Travis. I didn’t because I’m feelin less than and because they decided to fly the coop down to Ala-somewhere or other to reconnect with their roots. Lawd, I don’t know who to be scared for.

But listen, I’ve digressed. Frankly, if I’m being honest – and we know I always am – I just wasn’t too enthused. It wasn’t that anyone sang terribly badly, it’s just, I wasn’t feelin’ it. There is one who is totally and undoubtedly out of his league. The blind guy is a really nice guy who would totally finish first if this was a show to pick America’s favorite wedding singer. But it’s not!

Since I’m feelin under it, I’m gonna cut this short and concentrate on those fraudulent country and western crooners who did something less than dazzle as they paraded their “talent” across that indulgent stage for 30 million (right) of us to see –

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Going Down (Til the Sun Comes Up)

The sun has risen for this oil rig roughneck and he’s goin’ down! Trust me! He did not sing terribly badly, tis true, BUT, he sang first and get real, unless he’s your pick to win the whole damn thing (hello all three of you), then you’ve totally forgotten than he even sang. You know it, and I know it! Hell, I forgot he sang before the show was even over.

Allison Iraheta
Blame it on Your Heart

Paula for once was quite lucid when she held forth that this child could sing the damn alphabet and do it well!! While I can’t stand that nasty lookin mop she has placed upon her little 16 year old head, I do quite like what comes out of this child’s mouth. She got pipes!

Kris Allen
To Make You Feel My Love

I did not feel this child’s love, or anything else. I was just damn bored. He certainly is a cute child and I loved the ring on his finger – just stunning – but, if that’s all I remember, then lawd kids, that just ain’t much!

Scott MacIntyre
Wild Angels

Wild what? Look, this child did my cousin’s ex a favor by croonin when he married the cuz’s replacement. And I don’t hold that against him! I truly don’t! In fact, I think he has quite a career croonin to love-birds as they celebrate that special day that starts the long hard road to divorce court. I’m not bitter, I’m just sayin.

Lil Rounds
Independence Day

Now listen here, we like us some Lil Rounds and it doesn’t matter a damn bit what Simon calls her…we will love that child until the day she is placed out to pasture. This will not be the week! It won’t! Obviously she isn’t a country and western star in the making. We know that! So do you! But she was pretty damn good considering!

Adam Lambert
Ring of Fire

Lawd, this child is something else. Now listen, all the gay boys are just in love with this child because of his over the top performances…and maybe, just a little bit because of this picture. I have refused to get on board because this child is just too much! But lawd kids, these drugs the good Farmacist has prescribed must be doin something to my mind, because I quite liked the hot mess that was Adam tonight!! BRAVO!

Alexis Grace
Jolene

Now listen kids, all I can think of right now is that I’m gonna be stuck with Jolene running through my head as I try to fade off into sleepytime land! I just don’t have words for this tacky performance! None what-so-ever!

Danny Gokey
Jesus Take the Wheel

I have liked this child for some time (partly in protest over the untimely departure of his man-friend Jamar), but tonight I could have done without! As Simon often says, it was indulgent! Quit preaching! We just don’t care! And we also don’t care about only the big notes cuz if you can’t support them with spot-on smaller notes, then who cares about the big ones! Come on!!!

Anoop Desai
You’re Always on My Mind

Oh Lawd, this child’s performance plumb makes me take back every little thing I said about this child last week!! I will dream and fantasize about this child and his, um, performance as soon as my head hits the pillow!!!

Megan Joy
Walkin’ After Midnight

This child is fun and quirky and we like her! She may have been sicker’n’a dog, but lawd we admire that she came out and sang her purty little heart out!! Feelin like we do right now, we could not have done what she did! She got our vote tonight (even if she left Ms. Vodkalips feelin’ cold and clammy like our flu-like symptoms)!!

Matt Giraud
So Small

I do believe this child just rang every bell in my house!! Had I not already declared my intent for Ms. Megan Joy, I would be given my vote to this fella!!! Lawd!!! This child done just sang the house down and replaced that Gokey fella as the reigning “singer” of the bunch! Can he keep it up? We shall see!!

Now listen, I’m gonna take my ass to bed and try to pull it together! Now listen here kids, I’m makin the prediction that we’ll be losing that oil rig roughneck fella. What you think?