Now listen here kids, we knew we would be loosing that cute little Jasmin who should have been commercially a viable pick. But lawd, that child tried to turn herself into Miss Whitney Houston, whom we love but who is older’n dirt! If you are 17 then act your damn age! Again, just sayin!
Of course, the real shocker was the “schlocky” new “rule” that through some twist of “reality” allows the judges to over-ride “we the people.” Now, I don’t care how many of the moe-rons out there think this is a good idea, I do not…and let me tell you why: It is only designed to draw out the dramatic effect of sending one or more of the damn children home. You know it! So, last night both of our bottom two were told to basically sing for their lives because they might do good enough to sway the judges into saving their little bee-hind! As if!! Those judges weren’t gonna save either one of those two. They only get to “save” someone once per season and you can be damn sure it wasn’t gonna be on the first night…unless of course their favorite Adam was in the bottom two. But no worries there.
And let me just say, I personally don’t believe Jennifer Hudson would have been as big as she is today if she hadn’t of had to depart the show early. She would never have had the opportunity to try out for the role in that fabu show Dreamgirls because she would have been too damn busy doing all the sh*t required from being the damn winner. Daughtry absolutely would not have become the star he is today if he would have been the winner because he would have had to craft a album that would have been to the producers liking and not to his. His way put him on the perfect track to be the star he is today! Again, just sayin!
I am absolutely appalled that we kept Anoop Dog after that horrid and disgusting beat down he gave The White Lady’s ginormous hit, Beat It! Not that little Jorge was all that great with his Drag Queen voice and sensibility, but damn, at least he didn’t beat the hell out of a song! Again, just sayin!
So, the real question is…do ya like the new rule, or, are ya like me…thinkin it’s just stoopid?!
Now listen here kids, once again I don’t have but a damn minute to whack this little bit of on-line nonsense out. My damn driver has informed me after last week’s little hissy fit of honking that I’d better be on-time otherwise my ass will be left behind. Now if you asked me, and no one has as of yet, that damn fool is begging to lose his status as my driver since I’m the one writing out his damn check.
Now y’all are probably wondering what the hell happened to me last week since there were no notifications or any sort of releases from my casa high in the hills above Hollywood after last week’s rather bizarre ending that saw our top expand to a size 13. Now kids, I’ve got nothing against adding someone to an already over-bloated roster…but why 13? My sainted grandmother, may she rest in peace with all the spirits she was so fond of calling up during her long and fulfilling lifetime, was as superstitious as they come and she would not be thrilled with this tempting of the fates by bringing our number up to 13. I was half afraid to climb into bed lest she torment me in my dreams about this unseemly development.
Now kids, if I’m being honest, as we know I always am, I was called away from my big ass teevee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear image – by a rather big-headed Hollywood Jew Lawyer who came over to whisper in my ear some news of a decidedly confidential nature. Now kids, I don’t know sh*t from shinola about the goings on behind the scenes over at that bloated and irrelevant show we watch so faithfully called Idol, but lawd kids, that Ms. Jew Lawyer sure does. Ohhhh Lawd, to say I was shocked and appalled at some of the filth pouring out of her mouth is just the understatement of the year. I was of a good mind to ring up that metrosexual of metrosexuals and register my horror until of course I remembered that (i) what flitted in to my wide open ear was confidential (as if…I live in Hollywood) and (ii) I was drunker’n’a’skunk so I coulda been mistaken.
But now, my only reason for bringing up Ms. Jew Lawyer’s visit was that I missed hearing a couple of those damn frauds belt out what they are calling performances. Although, let’s get real, even the replay of Jasmine, poor thing, was enough to tell me I hadn’t missed a damn thing. Oh lawd, that child didn’t go there did she? What a mess…even if she’s a cute one.
And on the subject of messes, good lawd, Paula was in straight up rare form. Brother-man sent me a covert message over the Facebook stating that he thought she was a rather lousy representative for whatever medication they had given her. Me…lawd, I just wanted some. And let me tell you a damn thing or two…don’t play Drunk Paula at home alone unless you enjoy finding yourself splayed sh*t-faced on the floor. And the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze did not help matters by dropping by rather unannounced with a self-prescribed bottle of his own special medication designed to make the world disappear into some sort of haze. Lawd, even in my foggiest of states, it is apparent that child is working an angle.
Now kids, that old lush D.C. Vodkalips was a hollerin into my iPhone about something or other, lawd love her. I think what she was saying was that Danny Gokey got her hot n’ bothered. Now if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, that child is about the best thing on the damn show. Lawd, I’d give my only child for just a quick moment with he and his man-friend.
But listen here, that fool driver of mine has blasted the horn and I haven’t had a moment to write up these moe-rons that massacred those songs recorded so lovingly by the Progeny’s idol, that White Lady herself, Miss Michael Jackson. So, with horn a blowin in the background, a head a beatin like the drums in Ricky Miner’s band, here’s a quick rundown –
Lil Rounds The Way You Make Me Feel
Love this child…even her misguided outfit! She is one of the few who will overcome the curse of the firsts! Trust me…this child is just tops in my book.
Scott MacIntyre Keep The Faith
Now, I know that this sightless prodigy serenaded my cousin’s ex and his new wifey at their wedding. And I don’t hold that against him. His performance on the other hand left a whole hell of a lot to be desired. That’s all I’m gonna say!
Danny Gokey PTY
Pretty young thing indeed! Lawd kids, he’s not really my cup of tea, but damn that child can sing the clothes right off of me. I ended up drinking a glass just in celebration of this performance. Lawd, thank the gods that this was not the finals cuz this child woulda won hands down!
Michael Sarver You Are Not Alone
I wanted to be! Lawd, I know the judges thought he did swell…me…hell no!
Jasmine Murray I’ll Be There
And then she wasn’t…just sayin!
Kris Allen Remember the Time
I have no comment!
Allison Iraheta Give In To Me
Lawd kids, I love this child and her ballsyness…I did not like last night’s performance. Not even remotely. And that hair…jumpin jeebus…
Anoop Desai Beat It
Scram. Bounce. Bugger off! Seriously! We liked you now we don’t! You’ve done killed a song we love and hold dear to our cold, dark, snarky hearts.
Jorge Nuñez Never Can Say Goodbye
Now we like this child, but we did not like the class 1 drag performance he gave last night. Lawd, that big-haired, foul mouthed, Lady Bunny would have been proud to have given a performance half as good at the once glorious but now sadly defunct Wigstock! Whew!
Megan Joy Corkrey Rockin Robin
Adam Lambert Black or White
This child revolts me! I cannot even believe the amount of attention the judges just pour over him. A league all his own? WTF?! I do not understand his reed-thin voice and the appeal it has. I do love his hair!
Matt Giraud Human Nature
Poor thing…had to follow that over the top Adam fellow. In truth, I was too drunk to know whether this child strummed his gueetar with any degree of acceptability. Pity cuz I’ve liked this boy! Just tell him that it’s human nature!
Alexis Grace Dirty Diana
Well kids, I certainly felt dirty after watching that…and not in a good way!
Now listen here kids, I don’t have but a damn minute before I’ve got to hit the road to get to that place that helps keeps me living in my gated and fortified casa high in the hills above Hollywood. I don’t want to hear a damn word coming from any of ya’ll about the lack of content about today’s bit of writing. I don’t have time for silliness like such…so, as Bosoms Galore loves to say “shut your pie whole!”
Speaking of Bosoms Galore, it’s really her damn fault that I don’t have but a minute to sit here and whack this little bit of genius out. For reasons unknown to me (it certainly can’t be my charming personality), she rang my trusty iPhone and invited me for dinner and some Idol watching at the penthouse she shares with the only two people on the planet who are allowed to suckle those tata’s she so proudly puts on display. And let me tell you, there ain’t nothing like trying to eat your damn dinner of a lovely baked salmon filet when a one year old is beggin for the teet. But lawd, I love that child and envy her dad (who also joined us at the well laid out table). Also joining us at the table as we looked out at the breathtaking view of all of the City of Angles, spread out like a damn carpet beneath us, were the Rednecks who brought Bosoms Galore into this here world. And lawd, weren’t those two a hot mess! I would sit and watch this damn show every night of the week with those two if given the opportunity. In fact, I have personally extended an open-ended invitation to my casa high in the hills above Hollywood, for the two of them to come on over at any time to share the wisdom only growing up in the sticks of Ala-somewhere can bestow upon you!
But listen here kids, you’ve already got me side-tracked and befuddled (which isn’t all that hard given the copious amounts of wine I drank), and we haven’t even discussed those frauds and fraudettes who took the stage to woo our hearts and cause us to get calluses on our perfectly manicured fingers dialing one hundred and fifty times for our favorite (Lil Rounds…hands down). Not that we did any such thing, but I know that DC Vodkalips must surely have as we tried to ring her on several occasions only to receive a busy signal. A what? In this day and age…the nerve!
Now listen, there’s not much I can say about the disasters that flitted across the big ass teevee that Bosoms Galore’s marital partner has installed on the wall in their penthouse high over of this City of Angles – the kind that projects a crystal clear image and costs more than your damn house. In fact, about the only damn thing I can say to Alex, Arriana and Taylor is buh-bye, c-ya later, thanks for playin, we’ve got a lovely parting gift in the damn back for ya!
We also would like to wave a fond farewell to Kristen who Mr. Redneck said would be perfect laid out in his latest edition of that naughty, nudie rag Playboy. Joining Kristen exiting stage left, but not please, oh please on the pages of that naughty, nudie rag Playboy, are Kendall, Nathaniel, Von and Felecia. Although I will say we liked little Miss Felecia and were just tickled pink when we found out that she was being brought back to fill the spot of that disgraced, and rumor has it sleeping with a producer, fraud that was unceremoniously dumped following Hollywood week.
Now listen kids, there was one we loved and whooped and hollered over as she pranced around that damn stage. And then there were a couple of boys that we liked, maybe even well enough to have put them through. Bet you wanna know who! Ok, even as my brain is swimming from the liquification spawned from last night’s episode of Drunk Paula and my driver is blowing his damn horn, I really must finish this up!
Loved that child so oddly named Lil Rounds. We found ourselves liking, quite a bit, that too much information sharing Ju’Not! Lawd y’all, I nearly fell off the damn sofa when he so casually mentioned having someone stick a needle in his ass to help him sing better…lawd kids, that child should go through just for that one damn comment cuz you know, he’s liable to say any damn thing that pops into his fool head and wouldn’t that just be a hoot! We also were rather enamored with that bug-eyed, big-toothed boy from Puerto Rico…Jorge Something-or-Other. He just might provide competition for Ju’Not for that third spot. Then there was the blind boy…although truth be told, Mr. Redneck thought he was just playing blind and was a bit taken back when Mrs. Redneck called him a “pecker-head who needs to open your damn eyes!” Now lawd kids, you just don’t hear that kind of honest talk coming from most people these days. What a pleasure!
Now listen, I need to scoot on out the door before that fool driver sends the damn National Guard in after my ass. If he don’t stop blowing that horn I’mma have a little somethin to say that won’t be all that polite. Now I already know who Bosoms Galore and Mr./Mrs. Redneck liked…who you think’s stickin around? Puh-leeze take the poll!