We called it!

May 13, 2009

So listen kids, we are not the least bit shocked by how this bloated and beleaguered show we affectionately call Idol played out tonight. No we aren’t! We have suspected for some time that our Grand Finale would be made up of Adam and Kris. Having said that, we must say that this was, in our grandiose estimation, the best top three we’ve ever had! We think Danny will have a great career and yes, we are sorry to see him go. It was however a great pleasure to see him greet his man-friend so affectionately! We were reminded again of just how many naughty thoughts that child Jamar puts in our heads! Lawd-a-mercy!

But, we aren’t really here to chat about who gets us all hot-and-bothered! We’re here to chat about tonight’s show! We absolutely knew that Kris would be in our finale! While at first he rather reminded us of a timid church mouse sneaking onto stage, we have always been in awe of the spin he places on the music! Sick!! Just sick!!!

And Adam, well, he’s an entertainer from the word go! And tonight we saw why – starting on the stage at a very young age, it’s no wonder he is flawless in his performances. And let me just say, the rendition of our National Anthem we were treated to all snippet-like, was perhaps the best we’ve heard him perform. If only he’d take that Valium the Professor prescribed, we’d be much more apt to call the win for Adam.

But we aren’t kids! Nope, not even remotely! We think this will be quite the finale with two incredibly talented artists who will both have careers in the biz for years and years to come!

At this point, it’s anyone’s game! Although I have a sneaking suspicion that crowing our big wee-ner, might leave some slack-jawed in shock! It is NOT a forgone conclusion!

Until next week ya’ll! Cheers!


The boys are back in town

May 12, 2009

Now listen here kids, I’m just gonna say it straight out the gate – we got ourselves a damn competition! Lawd y’all, this is a top three that just makes me swoon and behave all kinds of crazy!

The boys took off this week to their respective home towns – vignettes of which we shall most assuredly be tortured with tomorrow night. Clips so staged it was nearly like watching a reality show, showed us the boys getting text messages on phones that were not theirs from the judge who would choose one of their two songs for the night. And, as is typical, the judges choices stunk to high heaven. Also typical is how the judges just think their selection is the end-all-be-all. Shoooot!

Now kids, the ex, that good Farmacist Dr. P. Haze, could not be bothered to watch this bloated and self-indulgent show for the preceding seven seasons no matter how we begged, pleaded and cajoled. Since being kicked to the curb however, the good Farmacist has found ways to shimmy over the walls, skirt the daunting security system and elude the burly security guards posted around my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood each night that the Idol has played out on my tee-vee, the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear picture.

Tonight was no exception. As the driver pulled past the gates, we caught the delectable whiff of meats being barbecued on the grill. Sure enough, a purview of the back patio revealed a lovely spread of perfectly grilled Filet Mignon, large baked potatoes with all the fixins and some fresh veggies that could only have come from the little organic farm just down the way. Lawd y’all, it was like heaven!

But listen kids, we aren’t here to talk about what I filled my belly with or what it is the good Farmacist wants (because you don’t do all this for your ex iffn you don’t want somethin…just sayin). We’re here to chat about what it is these boys did tonight!

Danny
Dance Little Sister
You Are So Beautiful

So Drunk (or as we’ve recently found out, Strung-Out) Paula chose a Terence Trent D’Arby song to lead off the judge’s choice for Danny. Now listen, we’ve always liked us some Terence Trent D’Arby – I mean, who wouldn’t given that name – but this was NOT the correct song for Danny. Now I know this is a damn singing competition, but this child’s dancing was so distracting that we found ourselves having to shut our eyes for the better part of this performance. The vocals were much better, but still, we just weren’t thrilled. Now, singing Joe Cocker WAS a smart move! This child has been paying attention to those who say the similarity between their voices is just too great to ignore. And certainly Danny put on some serious vocals for this performance. The unfortunate part of it, for us, was that we felt like he was trying to take us back to that mega-church we’ve tried so hard to escape from. That one from our past that was hyper and loud and just too damn happy. It’s a turn off for our cold, dark, snarky heart and we aren’t ashamed to admit it. While this child has an amazing voice and will go far in the gospel circles, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, we just don’t see this child making it to the finals.

Kris
Apologize
Heartless

Let’s just get this out of the way – we do NOT like this new judge Kara what’s her name. She may have some vocal chops but we’d like nothing more than to see someone take a big ole roll of duct tape to her mouth! She makes us want to throw things at our very expensive tee-vee – the kind…never mind…you already know what kind. Now, we love the song that Randy and Kara chose for Kris and we even liked his performance…enough that we bothered Ms. Vodkalips right in the middle of pouring herself another large, stiff cocktail to tell her so. But when that Metrosexual of all Metrosexuals asked the Kris if his personal selection had been difficult and he said “NO!” and then said he’d be singing “Heartless” by Kanye West, we sat straight up on our sofa. Yes kids, we did! Ballsy! Foolhardy! Sh*t! Then that child walked out on stage with just his damn gee-tar and blew our damn socks right off! Best performance of the night! We loved this little number so much that we promptly purchased it off the iTunes! Yes we did! And while we love Mr. West’s version – we love, love The Kris’s version! Lawd kids, our heart is still fluttering over that damn performance!

Adam
One
Cryin

Now Simon gave Adam one of his favorite songs to perform. And we, like Simon, just love this Bono song. Lawd kids, we loves it! We did NOT love Adam’s performance of the same tonight! Not remotely! We got up and walked off! Yes, we did! And, while we think this child is quite an amazing performer, we must say that we agree with the Professor that this child needs a Valium. The good Farmacist actually questioned why this child needs to scream at us each and every damn time. We too wondered the same damn thing. I’d like to say that Cryin was a rousing success – but really – it was more of the same – perfect, but over the top, performance!

Now listen kids, tonight brought a first – yes kids, a damn first – the good Farmacist actually voted! And not just once, but 5 damn times! We were so proud of the good Farmacist that we peed ourselves just a little! Oh, you are probably wondering who the good Farmacist voted 5 times for. Well, it’d be the same fraud that my valued and vaunted vote was given to – THE Kris!! We just love this child who one person on the Facebook said reminded them of our dear friend, little Reese Witherspoon! So, which one of the boys is headed back home tonight?


Slashin the competition

May 5, 2009

Now listen here kids, my head is a poundin from tryin to keep up with that lush D.C. Vodkalips who shared with me the secret of being totally sloshed on only two drinks. Take a big ass bottle of vodka and do a five count while pouring – like this – 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi and so on, allowing some extra splash at the end. Top that off with a splash of your favorite soda and prepare to be schnockered! Good lord, that’s worse than Drunk Paula and her plethora of pain killers.

But we aren’t here to talk about drinking. See, the other reason my head is a poundin tonight is because we’ve been treated to a night of heavy metal type rockin and rollin. Well, sort of! And lawd kids, we just knew that two of the damn children would knock this right out of the park. The other two proved our theory that only two would knock it out that same park. See how that works?!

Now tonight there was lots and lots going some of which we’ve alluded to in our earlier posting regarding those damn stairs! We are sorry to hear that one stage manager nearly had her damn leg severed from her body. We trust that she’ll soon be hobbling back around that over-indulgent stage! We really do! It seems the entire stage had issues and perhaps it’s a sign of things to come. It’s truly starting to fall apart. We hate to say it, but we will…this show has come undone!

Now, as part of tonight’s rockin event, we were treated to the musical stylings of Slash, that crazy haired, chain smokin fool we wished to be when we were much younger. We still love that fool, although we’ve long ago gotten over his particular brand of head-bangin music! We were also treated to some form of torture called duets – well, at least the first couple was torture. Lawd-a-mercy kids, that was a train wreck straight from the get-go!

Now y’all know I could go on-and-on, but my head is pounding and my bed is a callin!

Adam
Whole Lotta Love

Performing Led Zepplin is a big order…unless of course you are Adam. We’ve known he’s a rocker. We knew without a doubt that he’d slam this one out the park. Ms. Vodkalips, in her drunk stupor, again wished to be a gay man so as to be able to make a play for all his…wait for it…”hotness!” We just think this child has found his niche!

Allison
Cry Baby

Well, at 17, this child has just shown the world that she will be hard-rockin the stages of the world for a bazillion years to come. We couldn’t be more proud of this child! We also couldn’t be more proud of Adam for sharing his stylist who did up and did over that horrid dead animal that has been sitting atop this child’s head for practically the whole damn season! Tonight, we liked!

Adam & Allison
Slow Ride

We agree with those overly self-important judges who said these two children put this “duet” on their forthcoming albums! Lawd y’all, we don’t even like this style of music, but weren’t we surprised to found ourselves up whoopin and a hollerin!!

Kris
Come Together

While those too damn self-important judges universally panned this performance, we found it quite nice! We found it a soulful bit of rock-n-roll! Had we not given our vote to another, we would have voted for this child! Yes we would have! We will admit that this genre of music is not this child’s forte…but, we were impressed that he gave it the old college try!

Danny
Dream On

Dream on is right! Lawd, this song was divided in to three parts. The first part, slow and boring. The second part brought out the church boy and well, it’s was pretty gravely and good! The third part dominated the other two and was hideous like a really bad horror movie! Now listen, we have loved this child’s voice and have held a special place in our hearts for him because of the close bond he shares with his man friend who we love more than life itself. But we could not be called upon to vote for this child…not after that last note which sent us running to the bathroom to upchuck our lovely dinner!

Kris & Danny
Renegade

I have nothing to say about this! Blech!

Now kids, we are in that part of the season where projecting who will win is like herding cats underwater…hardern’hell ya know! But damn it, that’s never stopped us before! We’re gonna say that our old pal Kris is probably outta here tomorrow night! But we’re also gonna hedge our bet just a little by saying that the margin between he and the next lowest will be razor thin. Then again…what do we know?


Brat Pack!

April 28, 2009

Now listen here kids, somethin’s goin on over there at that bombastic and self-indulgent show called Idol. Little changes have continually been made this season and by gum, they were on full display tonight. Lawd-a-mercy, somebody is in full meltdown over the negative trajectory of this show. Don’t believe me? Well, hit the damn rewind on your TiVo and ask yourself what the hell happened to Drunk Paula tonight. Ask yourself why we went back to starting the judges comments with Randy instead of whomever felt like they should start. Yeah, ask yourself those questions and then it will become way too clear to you that someone has been tinkering with the little things that we’ve come to expect on the show and perhaps the numbers are not working out like the moron in charge thought. And that kids, makes me wonder if this will be the last season we see Kara as a judge. Just sayin!

Now listen, I’d like to spend just a couple of minutes talking about that Drag Queen we affectionately call Drunk Paula. WTF? Listen, I know we here at Idol Chatter like to make serious fun of this child! Hell, we’ve even developed a drinking game to make certain you can get as f*cked up as she is! But lawd kids, last night was the first time in all 8 seasons that I can remember when Paula was lucid, cogent and on-point. And I’ll tell ya, it was so disconcerting I found it hard to watch. No red eyes? No rambling? No head in Simon’s lap? No pointless banter with Simon? No standing touchdowns? No sitting touchdowns? She was a damn robot and frankly it was so off-putting that we have no idea what to make of it. As much as we hate to say it, we miss Drunk Paula!

But, we could go on and on about this mess of a show. We could point out that, despite it’s continued popularity, it is losing viewers like water through a damn strainer. But you kids are loyal damn fans like we are and really, all you want to know is how those damn frauds and one fraudette performed tonight. For once they were all hittin at the top of their game. We’d like to blame it on that, make us want to take our clothes off hotness, Mr. Jamie Foxx, but frankly, we can’t. Because we think these children have plumb decided to step up their game. In fact, we were having a hard time figuring out which damn child we liked best. If we are being honest, and you know we always are, there was one who flitted across our big-ass-tee-vee, the kind that hangs on the wall and projects one of those crystal clear images, that we did not particularly care for and felt he fell far short of what it takes to be our next Idol. Yes kids, we said it…HE!

Kris
The Way You Look Tonight

This child just gets better and better! Once a church mouse sneaking up to the stage hoping we wouldn’t really notice him, he’s become some sort of crooner that makes us feel all funny on our insides. Yes kids, we will admit this freely…we loves this child! And if you must know, our vaunted and hard to get vote was given to this child and only this child!

Allison
Someone To Watch Over Me

This child we did not expect to come and and croon to us. We expected this little birthday girl to come out and once again rock us out. But da-da-damn! Not this time! Sounding like a edgier Pink, this child came on out and brought it!! We like find ourselves impressed and in love even with her look. Simon can go screw himself!

Matt
My Funny Valentine

We did not like this pitchy and not very cleverly sung version of this showtune which has been done up and done over by more members of the Rat Pack that you can shake a stick at! We agreed with Randy that it was just not up to snuff! We’ve voted this child off once before and we are asking all the gods wherever they may or may not exist to help us in sending this child back to where he belongs (a place we are sure exists but which we don’t care to know of or about)!

Danny
Come Rain or Shine

Continuing with his revival themed performances, Danny gave a mixed bag tonight. Now listen, we have been a big fan of this child for a very long time. But y’all know as well as we do that this child has been off his game for some weeks running. Tonight, certainly for the first half of this performance, we were quite sure this child was once again off his game. Crazy thing though, it was like about halfway through that a different Danny came out to play and damn, this child closed this little performance out with a freakin bang! We found ourselves feeling like we’d been to our sainted grandmother’s church during one of those “fire-falling” services that would scare the beejeezus out of us as a little ankle-biter watching the little old ladies run around waving hankies!! HALLELUJAH!!! SING IT BROTHER!! WOO-HOO!!!

Adam
Feeling Good

Frankly kids, there ain’t a damn thing to say about this child that we haven’t already said! He’s over-the-top goodness! We loves him! Ms. Vodkalips rang to say she wished she were a gay man so she could make a play at this hot man. He makes her wet all over and not in the way that Simon used earlier when talking about Kris! And listen here kids, this was a rendition of a song that has been sang more times on the show than Drunk Paula putting her head in Simon’s lap. But never like this!!!

So listen kids, the music of the Rat Pack was brought to us by the Brat Pack and we liked!!! We are in agreement with ourselves that this was the best week so damn far! But someone has to go!


Boogie Fever!

April 21, 2009

Now listen here kids, one would usually think that Disco night would be one more hot mess up on that over-indulgent stage on that bloated juggernaut of a show called Idol. We’ve seen it happen season after season where our favorites shat all over themselves trying to prove they’ve somehow caught the disco fever! Well lawd y’all, tonight was NOT one of those nights. These frauds clearly know something about disco and they weren’t afraid to lend their debatable talents to prove it.

Now listen here real fast kids, once again I am forced to tap out this little missive via my iPhone as if I was tappin out the damn Morse Code. It’s damn near driving me insane. Not to mention that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze (who obviously wants something) has once again shimmied over the fence, past the guard dogs and was sprawled out on my sofa as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Not only that, but the good Farmacist keeps insisting on hogging the remote control AND trying to give me wet willies. We are NOT amused! Thankfully, we find our spirits lightened by this fine bunch of [mostly] in-tune singers.

Now, y’all will most certainly remember that that acerbic tongued maestro, Mr. Cowell, had given some sort of reprieve that brought out tears of joy for that Matt fellow who frankly sang like a really bad karaoke performer on the good ship lollipop last week. But, save him they did. Which means that tomorrow night’s result show will be quite spectacular as we loose not one but TWO of these damn children. Frankly, we’ve already got our two picked out. Not because they sucked, because, as we’ve already admitted, this is one HOT bunch of children. But because there are two who really and truly can’t seem to step their game up to the level that some other of the children have done.

Now kids, y’all know I could just go on and on, but frankly, we ain’t here to talk about me, we’re here to talk about these kids! Ya ready?

Lil Rounds
I’m Every Woman!

Poor Lil, she shore is every damn woman! And hell, we’ve seen ’em all parade around that stage. Now lawd y’all, we love that she got an ass-et that makes us sit up and take notice. And we love that she’s got a voice as big as all get out! We do not love that she has lost herself! Being good at mimicking stars might get ya a show at a mid-level casino in Vegas or Reno (probably Reno). But y’all, that ain’t sayin much! We love ya Lil, but you’re our first pick to boogie on outta here!

Kris Allen
She Works Hard For The Money

Oh dear gods in the heavens and any where else they may (or may not) reside! This child plum has done something to our cold, dark and snarky heart! We would stand on any street corner at any hour of the day if we thought he might croon about us! This child is workin it and we couldn’t be happier! Lawd, this was, by far, the best performance of the night! Hell, this child has gone from a timid mouse sneakin on stage to a power-house who’s just ready to f*ck some sh*t up! BAM!

Danny Gokey
September

Kids, this child shore does have a purty voice! But lawd, this child is puttin on the weight! And watchin him prance around that stage makes us think of all the homosexual sangers who lead the music at all the big mega-church wannabe’s all across this great land of ours. They just tryin so damn hard! And Ms. Kara’s right, pitch perfect! BUT…that’s the problem kids…we just can’t quite put our finger on what that BUT is that leaves us cold…but it’s for sure there!!

Allison Iraheta
Hot Stuff

Hot stuff is right! This child just knocks our socks off…even when we don’t like the song, arrangement or even the performance. That kids is some damn talent!

Adam Lambert
If I Can’t Have You

We have nothing to say except this – the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, was absolutely certain, without a doubt, that this was the worst performance of the night! We were a little shocked – heck, even the good Farmacist was shocked…but that didn’t change the verdict! We on the other hand loved, loved, loved it!

Matt Giraud
Staying Alive

This child was just so damn excited to be given a second chance at Idol life that he sang some damn song by the Bee Gee’s about livin. And well, he shouldn’t have! See.Ya.Later.Bye! We did not need to hear this and we are in total agreement with ourselves about this decision! This child we did not love and expect to see him sittin at the bus depot with that child Lil clutchin his ticket back to where-ever he came from (we don’t know and don’t care) in his lifeless hand!

Anoop Desai
Dance the Night Away

Really kids, we have no idea if that’s the name of the song! And frankly, we aren’t sure we really liked this arrangement! But we are quite certainly that Anoop-Dog looked fly as f*ck tonight! And, while we expect him to round out our bottom three, we expect to hear the smooth sounds of that lovely child’s voice for at least one more damn week!

So kids, here’s the question – Ya think I got it right in sayin that Lil and Matt got boogie fever? Or, you got someone else in mind?


At the movies!

April 14, 2009

Listen kids, once again I find my mood to be just plain old foul! My trusty little laptop has decided to behave in a manner unbecoming to an object with such a damn high pricetag! As such, I’ve had to attempt to write this little bit of nonsense on my trusty iPhone. It’s been a chore and a challenge and frankly, I’m just a little bit on the pissy side! Deal with it!

Tonight kids we were treated to a movie extravagance with that movie making god Quentin Tarantino as the “director” for tonight’s events. Now I love me some QT – there ain’t a movie better than Pulp Fiction! Period! But really, a maker of bizarre and frightening cult movies doesn’t make a musical director…in most cases! However, because we love, love, love QT, we’re not gonna bitch about his selection as mentor for tonight’s movie theme extravaganza!

We did notice, as the camera panned the damn audience that one of the members of The Boss aka Bruce Springsteen’s band was there, weird bandanna and all! And lawd kids, if that damn Katie Couric wasn’t there in all her tanned glory! Apparently every-damn-body loves American Idol. Without sounding bitter, although I sure am, it makes me angry to know that my tickets were given to some news hack!

But, we aren’t here to talk about who was, and who wasn’t, in the damn audience! We’re here to chat about those damn frauds parading around that stage all proud of themselves because they get to go on tour! Well, aren’t we just thrilled!

Now, several things have just got me riled up! The first is that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze managed to get past the gate to my compound high in the hills about Hollywood and had a lovely dinner waiting for me upon walking through the door. That would have been all fine and dandy had not I apparently made some small, imperceptible and unknowing face gesture that was perceived as “rude” and which nearly brought ruin to my whole damn night! Thankfully the good Farmacist had made a lovely dinner! The other thing that just set me sideways was this damn idea that only two judges were allowed to share their opinions with the children who were attempting to wow us with their vocal prowess! I do NOT like this turn of events! If you can’t fit all the sh*t you need to in a show then get rid of that damn Kara! She’s unnecessary!! We’ve already got dumb-ass Drunk Paula and have no need to add another loopy judge into the mix!

Thankfully my evening wasn’t a total waste! The Professor – that wise beyond words author who periodically pens little notes for this here on-line endeavor was just blowing up my trusty iPhone! Lawd, that child was in rare, rare form and made the evening way entertaining! But, we’re here to chat about songs from movies, not porns and such that we might like to fantasize about…the Professor not withstanding.

Allison Iraheta
I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing

We love this child to pieces!! We are not a particular fan of this song, but really, who cares! We love anything this child sings! Now, unfortunately, and again, we will probably see little miss red-headed-like-bozo-the-clown in our bottom three again. But don’t fear, we have a strong hunch she’ll beat back the curse of the first!

Anoop Desai
Everything I Do

Lawd kids, this child has done come on strong right when we needed him to! I thought this child was plum singin to me! We said last week that if he dropped this ball this week, we’d immediately call for him to be bounced out on that cute little kiester of his! We will not be doing any such thing! As the lez-biun who we frequently run into in our place of buziness has just said, “he’s becoming my favorite!” We agree!!

Adam Lambert
Born To Be Wild

We certainly believe this child was born to be wild! And lawd kids, we would be lying if we didn’t say that he’s just a little bit over the top! And, if we are being honest, and you know we always are, we think Simon was dead on when he said that some would love and some would just not love that performance! We know he wrecked the whole damn thing – we just don’t know if we really liked it! The hair is quite another story!! Loved it! And the outfit! In fact, the Professor has the same damn outfit! I feel the vapors coming on!

Matt Giraud
To Really Love a Woman

We are quite certain this child has never really loved a woman. Had he, he might have emoted a little something other than boring and drab! The Professor did rather lewdly suggest that Matt come over and take his clothes off…as long as he shut his mouth! The consistency issues I spoke of regarding Anoop-Dog last week seems more fitting for this child! Bottom three contender!

Danny Gokey
Endless Love

More like endless song!! Blech! Really, we love this child’s voice, but song choices are killing him! Which makes us not love him so much any more!! Sad!

Kris Allen
I Don’t Know You

There is knowledge and there is carnal knowledge! Frankly, after this performance, both the Professor and I wanted carnal knowledge of this child!

Lil Rounds
The Rose

Poor Lil, I had such high hopes for her! They are dashed! She’s lost herself! Either that or some damn vocal coach is giving her bad advice [our advice – listen child, don’t listen to Paula…she’s too damn f*cked up to be a vocal coach…just sayin!]! We expect to be waving bye-bye to Lil and that amazing ass-et of hers!

Well kids, we’ve done it – we’ve managed to whack this whole thing out on our trusty little iPhone! You kids who are into splitting hairs about grammatical and stylistic bullsh*t need to keep those damn comments to yourself! we don’t wanna hear it! What we would like to hear is thoughts on this damn movie themed week – we just didn’t get it!


When was you born?

April 8, 2009

Now listen here kids, this is not the day to play with me! No it’s not! Already several of you kids have been hammering away at me wanting to know where today’s bit of on-line nonsense is. And I’m just gonna say this once, besides technical difficulties and other such stupidity, I’ve got a pounding headache that is making me just a little bit less than my normal, good-natured, sparkling self. So deal with it!

Now kids, this weekend past has been quite the weekend. For some reason I’m still trying to suss out, it was decided to put on our best cuh-ra-zee outfit, ala LiLo, and shake our groove-thang all over the Thirty Mile Zone. Lawd kids, it’s a wonder ya didn’t see us over on the TMZ because we were out there! Now kids, all good things must come to an end, and so, I decided the best way to close out a weekend filled with too much of all things was to invite the ex, the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, up to my casa high in the hills overlooking Hollywood in hopes that a good meal, the kind my sainted grandmother from the South would fix up when we kids were a clammerin for some vitals, would persuade the good Farmacist to part with some of that medication that sits in some hidden compartment in that ever-present bag. Now lawd kids, we ate ourselves silly and in our hazed states proceeded to comment on those frauds that continue to parade around that indulgent stage over at that juggernaut of a show called Idol.

Now listen, some of those children were quite good! And one of them has been running on sympathy! Let us just say it right now, the wedding singer shtick has gotten old! We just don’t care any more and were glad to hear at least one of the judges flat out gather some balls and say it…”ya suck!”

Now kids, because my head is still swimming from a weekend of over-indulgent debauchery (and at least partially because of the good Farmacist’s “medicinal” cure), I’m just gonna get right down to business and I don’t wanna hear a damn thing from you kids about my brevity. My head won’t handle it!

Danny Gokey
Stand By Me

We have said repeatedly that we love this child! And we thought he was da bomb tonight! And, we agreed with Ms. Vodkalips in the first of our several very inebriated conversations that this was the one to vote for…until of course we heard at least two others sing circles around this child. By the time the show had closed, we really didn’t care to stand by DaGoke, in fact, we struggled to remember what that child had sung. Maybe it’s the curse of the firsts…or maybe he was just boring when compared to some of his previous performances and given the strength of his competition!

Kris Allen
All She Wants To Do Is Dance

We aren’t sure who “she” is, but up in my casa high in the hills above Hollywood, we didn’t want to do a damn thing that resembled dancing. We just didn’t care too much for this child or his performance! We did LOVE that he was wearing, for a second week, the Sunday bracelet, promoting the Invisible Children. We have all of the bracelets and would encourage those of you kids who actually pay attention to what we dribble on about here to lend your support!

Lil Rounds
What’s Love Got To Do With It

I’ll tell ya what love has to do with it…VOTES! And we did NOT love this second rate disaster from this child whose badonkadonk butt puts all sorts of nasty and naughty thoughts a zippin through our damn heads. This child had better pull her sh*t together otherwise she’s gonna be out on that rather prodigious ass-et of hers.

Anoop Desai
True Colors

Now last week we were just not thrilled with this child and believed it to be entirely appropriate for him to be sitting in the bottom three. This week, we just loved this damn child again! Our problem [natch] is the damn consistency! If next week is another bad performance then we will call for his permanent ban!

The Wedding Singer
We Don’t Care

We could give a sh*t less what this child sang or what kind of instrument he paraded out (it was bad!)! We’re just gonna say it and don’t want to hear a damn thing from you kids…this child has been receiving sympathy votes and that ain’t right! This child should be judged on his talent and not on his lack of sight! Oh, and put some damn sunglasses on his face! D.C Vodkalips and I are both in agreement that it is flat out unnerving to watch!

Allison Iraheta
I Can’t Make You Love Me

This would NOT have been our selection for this child to sing, but lawd, once again she has wowed us with her vocal prowess! We already love you child!

Matt Giraud
Part Time Lovers

Lawd kids, anyone that can re-arrange a classic by the master and then sing the hell out of it deserves our vote! We love this child and what he did! Lawd, this child sang us right out our damn clothes AND got our valued and vaunted vote!!!

Adam Lambert
Mad World

This child sits in another stratosphere from the rest of these frauds! I just don’t have anything else to say! He deserved Mr. Simon’s standing O! We gave him one too!

We’ve seen all the damn baby pictures we need to see! We think you’ll agree with that one! Now we’re gonna go out on a very thin limb here and say the wedding singer is toast!!! And you kids who are votin for him because you feel sorry for him…well, you ain’t do him no damn favors!!! So knock it off before we take ya out to the wood shed and, as our sainted grandmother was known to do, tan your bee-hind!


Blowing it!

April 1, 2009

Now listen here kids, I need to get my fat ass in bed! I’m in no mood to deal with any lip from anyone! Those damn frauds that are parading themselves around that craptacular stage over at Idol should be smacked upside the head. Or as my sainted father use to say about the child assumed to be my much younger male sibling, should be “dropped kicked to the moon!” I mean, lawd-a-mercy, what was that ginormous mess we witnessed tonight?! Huh? I just don’t know who to blame: the frauds who are calling themselves contestants OR the consultants (and I use that term ever so lightly) who are there to help them with their song selections.

Now, I’ve just slid into my casa high in the hills above Hollywood after spending another lovely evening with Bosoms Galore, her marital partner and their most adorable spawn drinking copious amounts of wine paired with some lovely cheeses and a lightly seared filet. From their penthouse overlooking this city of angels spread like a carpet below us and watching from their big ass tee-vee – the kind that hangs on the wall and costs more than your damn house – we have cursed and screamed and shaken our collective heads at this hot mess that has been foisted upon us in the name of sangin! We sat in rather stunned silence as Anoop-Dog ushered himself right into the bottom three; we refused to turn our lights up or down during Megan Joy’s mangling of Bob Marley and frankly, we were just flat out flummoxed at selections these frauds made, particularly given the amazing buffet they had at their disposal. These kids blew and not in a good way!

Now kids, I would be remiss if I said that they all sucked! They did not! In fact, one child did so good, he caused Ms. Vodkalips to ring my little iPhone up to say that she was all wet. Now kids, I know that is disturbing to hear, but lawd y’all, I was feeling a little bit beside myself as well after that child Kris pounded out that old ditty makin it all new and downright alluringly sexualized and stuff! Yes, that child did!

But listen kids, I don’t have time to sit around and hold forth on all these frauds. I really must climb between these most luxurious of sheets that have been spread out so invitingly on my place of slumber.

Anoop Desai
Caught Up

This poor child has a magnificent voice but really can’t figure out what the hell kind of song he should be singing that will showcase his talent as anything other than the winner of the Frat House Karaoke competition! And to top it off, he had the great misfortune of being selected to “perform” in the first time slot thus guaranteeing that he was totally forgotten by the time we wrapped up the show! Expect him to be in the bottom three…for sure!

Megan Joy
Turn Your Lights Down Low

Now I like this little quirky temptress! However, I just found myself less than impressed with tonight’s performance. Perhaps the only saving grace was that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze found her to be “not that bad…in fact, pretty damn good!” Shocking since the good Farmacist rarely has time to be bothered with giving an opinion on any of the contestants! Still, I’d say she’s another shoo-in for the bottom three but maybe, just maybe, she’ll stick around for another week! Maybe?!

Danny Gokey
What Hurts The Most

What hurt the most was having to suffer through this bore of a performance. And that, kids, is perhaps the most shocking thing I can say because we have loved, loved, loved this child. Tonight, Ms. Galore and I just looked at each other, yawned and stepped outside for a breath of fresh air. We couldn’t be bothered!

Allison Iraheta
Don’t Speak

This poor child is stylistically and hairifically challenged! I understand that she is 16 and trying to figure sh*t out, but jumpin beans on a pogo stick! I was slightly confused by that outfit way more than I should have been! Thankfully I remembered a little tidbit of wisdom that Ms. Vodkalips imparted several years ago…”close yer damn eyes” she slurred one night while watching a rather hideously dressed contestant! I did and again found myself in love with this child!

Scott MacIntyre
I Love You Just The Way You Are

I must have stepped away during this wedding-singer-esq performance! And really, who can blame me! Ms. Bosoms Galore’s only comment was that this child’s “hair is f*cked up!” My lovely cousin, from her trailer out in the wilderness of Kansas could only say that this child needed sunglasses! And frankly, if that’s all that can be said about this child then it’s time to send him home!

Matt Giraud
You Found Me

We weren’t looking for you! And certainly, after that performance, find it hard to make ourselves want to look for you! Egads!

Lil Rounds
I Surrender

We know this child has pipes! But really, like Kara, we ain’t tryin to hear Ms. Rounds turn herself into some damn kind of adult contemporary singer! No kids, we ain’t!

Adam Lambert
Play That Funky Music

Again, this child is good! But damn y’all, he shore ’nuff likes bein way, way, over the top! Lawd!

Kris Allen
Ain’t No Sunshine

This child sent shivers and chills a runnin’ up and down my damn spine! By 9:45p, Ms. Vodkalips was still all wet down there and had managed to vote 46 times for this child! We were still hitting the rewind button on our trusty little TiVo like device to watch and re-watch this masterpiece of a performance! We will buy this damn CD as soon as it is out!

Now listen kids, tonight was nothing but bad, bad song selection! Just about all these damn children blew it! But the real question is, who blew it bad enough to go home?


Hair-tastic!

March 25, 2009

Now kids, you’re gonna have to listen real fast like cuz I’m just too pissed off to do much else besides fast. Those dumb-asses over at my local FOX affiliate hit the switch and then went for a ciggy break or some damn thing completely leaving me with a fine picture on my tee vee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear picture – but with absolutely NO sound. Lawd, I was a cursing and a screamin at the poor little gurl over at the FOX station who was frantically looking for whomever had caused this catastrophy. That’s not to say I missed much, only the first performance by that fraud Matt Giraud. And from what I heard of the replay, it wasn’t that damn good anyway.

But listen, today was all about the smooth and classic sounds of Motown. And lawd was I ready! One would think that the Motown sound was perfectly suited to certain of the voices that are parading around this stage like they’ve already got a damn recording contract. Oddly enough, those who should have succeeded tonight did not and the ones who I would not have chosen to excel did just that.

Now the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, tramped by to sample a little of the super my long-suffering chef had whipped up and as a payment, slipped a little of the “medication” that is carried around in a secreted little bag. I’m not going to blame the medication for causing me to fall asleep during this way too damn long show. Then again, who else is to blame. I would like to say that I played the Drunk Paula game, but between all the head-bobbing down in Simon’s lap, I found myself out of rules for what to do in that situation. Lawd, that child is a wreck!

But listen, I’ve promised to be quick, so…

Matt Giraud
Let’s Get It On

I had no sound so I can’t judge this performance. But based on those gawd-awful facial expressions, this child was clearly in pain and needed to be excused so as to call on the good Farmacist for a quick course in pain medication. As this child sang first, I will expect to see him in the bottom three.

Kris Allen
How Sweet It Is

Now here’s the deal kids, this child isn’t bad, he’s just not a winner! As one fellow said, he “carries himself like someone who snuck onstage and is afraid of being found out.” Cold! But true!

Scott MacIntyre
You Can’t Hurry Love

This child will make an amazing wedding singer! He falls far short of the mark when it comes to trying to compete with these other frauds and fraudettes. Please put this child out of our collective misery!

Megan Joy
For Once In My Life

For once in my life I wished I was sleeping and had missed this little performance. Lawd, the child looked quite fetching in that little number with the hair all cute and pinned up. But, egads, my dogs set about howling when she hit full stride.

Anoop Desai
Ooh, Baby, Baby

Now kids, I’m just not quite sure how I felt about this damn performance. Vocally this child was quite stunning, but like Simon, I was left a little unsettled by that limpid performance. So you tell me…what now?

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Too Proud To Beg

How this child managed to hang on after last week’s disastrous debacle is beyond me. For a second week in a row, I’m gonna call this child the one to hit the road. He was damn atrocious. All the gods in the heavens must surely have stopped up their ears when that bunch of mess hit the stage!

Lil Rounds
(Love Is Like A) Heat Wave!

Now listen, some blathering fools have decided that because this child is black, she some how must be the one to represent the Motown sound. No, they didn’t actually say that, but we all damn well knew what they meant! And maybe they were right! Except she didn’t! She laid down and wet herself, just when she needed to be great! So damn disappointing…and that f’d up hair! Lawd, don’t get me started on this child I have loved since the first moment I saw her strut her fine and sexy stuff across my big ass tee vee! Tonight she just fell down!

Danny Gokey
Get Ready

Now I love this child’s voice. It makes me want to do bad things…lawds in the heavens! But tonight he just pissed me off! When the great Smokey Robinson tells you to do something to a damn song, ya do it! And he didn’t! And for that reason alone, I’m pissed! Also because he sorta sucked!

Adam Lambert
Tracks of My Tears

Kids, I just don’t know what to say about this child! This is the second week in a row that I have been surprised as hell by his vocal performances…in a good damn way! But that hair…egads!

Allison Iraheta
Papa Was a Rolling Stone

Lawd, this child just wrecked it tonight!! I will buy that damn CD! I did not care that she had stuck some kinda weird orangish/reddish thing on her head…it just didn’t matter! Cuz this child strutted around that stage like a damn pro-fesh-ion-al! Just sayin! I would pay good money!!! Hands down, my favorite performance of the night!

But listen kids, I need to hit the hay! I’m tired, half drunk, certainly medicated beyond all good sense! I think Michael’s in the bottom three again and this time, I think he’ll be hittin the bricks! What you think?


Flu-like symptoms

March 18, 2009

Ok kids, here’s the deal! I’ve somehow managed to land smack dab in a pile of flu-like symptoms that don’t make me very amenable to anything and certainly not writing about that Opryland fiasco we were treated to tonight. Now kids, I like’s me some country and western music as much as the next person and that skin and bones country crooner Randy Travis certainly is at the top of the heap in the gun-rack-in-the-back-window-of-my-pickup-truck crowd. In fact, I was a good mind to invite Mr./Mrs. Redneck over cuz lawd knows they love them some Randy Travis. I didn’t because I’m feelin less than and because they decided to fly the coop down to Ala-somewhere or other to reconnect with their roots. Lawd, I don’t know who to be scared for.

But listen, I’ve digressed. Frankly, if I’m being honest – and we know I always am – I just wasn’t too enthused. It wasn’t that anyone sang terribly badly, it’s just, I wasn’t feelin’ it. There is one who is totally and undoubtedly out of his league. The blind guy is a really nice guy who would totally finish first if this was a show to pick America’s favorite wedding singer. But it’s not!

Since I’m feelin under it, I’m gonna cut this short and concentrate on those fraudulent country and western crooners who did something less than dazzle as they paraded their “talent” across that indulgent stage for 30 million (right) of us to see –

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Going Down (Til the Sun Comes Up)

The sun has risen for this oil rig roughneck and he’s goin’ down! Trust me! He did not sing terribly badly, tis true, BUT, he sang first and get real, unless he’s your pick to win the whole damn thing (hello all three of you), then you’ve totally forgotten than he even sang. You know it, and I know it! Hell, I forgot he sang before the show was even over.

Allison Iraheta
Blame it on Your Heart

Paula for once was quite lucid when she held forth that this child could sing the damn alphabet and do it well!! While I can’t stand that nasty lookin mop she has placed upon her little 16 year old head, I do quite like what comes out of this child’s mouth. She got pipes!

Kris Allen
To Make You Feel My Love

I did not feel this child’s love, or anything else. I was just damn bored. He certainly is a cute child and I loved the ring on his finger – just stunning – but, if that’s all I remember, then lawd kids, that just ain’t much!

Scott MacIntyre
Wild Angels

Wild what? Look, this child did my cousin’s ex a favor by croonin when he married the cuz’s replacement. And I don’t hold that against him! I truly don’t! In fact, I think he has quite a career croonin to love-birds as they celebrate that special day that starts the long hard road to divorce court. I’m not bitter, I’m just sayin.

Lil Rounds
Independence Day

Now listen here, we like us some Lil Rounds and it doesn’t matter a damn bit what Simon calls her…we will love that child until the day she is placed out to pasture. This will not be the week! It won’t! Obviously she isn’t a country and western star in the making. We know that! So do you! But she was pretty damn good considering!

Adam Lambert
Ring of Fire

Lawd, this child is something else. Now listen, all the gay boys are just in love with this child because of his over the top performances…and maybe, just a little bit because of this picture. I have refused to get on board because this child is just too much! But lawd kids, these drugs the good Farmacist has prescribed must be doin something to my mind, because I quite liked the hot mess that was Adam tonight!! BRAVO!

Alexis Grace
Jolene

Now listen kids, all I can think of right now is that I’m gonna be stuck with Jolene running through my head as I try to fade off into sleepytime land! I just don’t have words for this tacky performance! None what-so-ever!

Danny Gokey
Jesus Take the Wheel

I have liked this child for some time (partly in protest over the untimely departure of his man-friend Jamar), but tonight I could have done without! As Simon often says, it was indulgent! Quit preaching! We just don’t care! And we also don’t care about only the big notes cuz if you can’t support them with spot-on smaller notes, then who cares about the big ones! Come on!!!

Anoop Desai
You’re Always on My Mind

Oh Lawd, this child’s performance plumb makes me take back every little thing I said about this child last week!! I will dream and fantasize about this child and his, um, performance as soon as my head hits the pillow!!!

Megan Joy
Walkin’ After Midnight

This child is fun and quirky and we like her! She may have been sicker’n’a dog, but lawd we admire that she came out and sang her purty little heart out!! Feelin like we do right now, we could not have done what she did! She got our vote tonight (even if she left Ms. Vodkalips feelin’ cold and clammy like our flu-like symptoms)!!

Matt Giraud
So Small

I do believe this child just rang every bell in my house!! Had I not already declared my intent for Ms. Megan Joy, I would be given my vote to this fella!!! Lawd!!! This child done just sang the house down and replaced that Gokey fella as the reigning “singer” of the bunch! Can he keep it up? We shall see!!

Now listen, I’m gonna take my ass to bed and try to pull it together! Now listen here kids, I’m makin the prediction that we’ll be losing that oil rig roughneck fella. What you think?