Flu-like symptoms

March 18, 2009

Ok kids, here’s the deal! I’ve somehow managed to land smack dab in a pile of flu-like symptoms that don’t make me very amenable to anything and certainly not writing about that Opryland fiasco we were treated to tonight. Now kids, I like’s me some country and western music as much as the next person and that skin and bones country crooner Randy Travis certainly is at the top of the heap in the gun-rack-in-the-back-window-of-my-pickup-truck crowd. In fact, I was a good mind to invite Mr./Mrs. Redneck over cuz lawd knows they love them some Randy Travis. I didn’t because I’m feelin less than and because they decided to fly the coop down to Ala-somewhere or other to reconnect with their roots. Lawd, I don’t know who to be scared for.

But listen, I’ve digressed. Frankly, if I’m being honest – and we know I always am – I just wasn’t too enthused. It wasn’t that anyone sang terribly badly, it’s just, I wasn’t feelin’ it. There is one who is totally and undoubtedly out of his league. The blind guy is a really nice guy who would totally finish first if this was a show to pick America’s favorite wedding singer. But it’s not!

Since I’m feelin under it, I’m gonna cut this short and concentrate on those fraudulent country and western crooners who did something less than dazzle as they paraded their “talent” across that indulgent stage for 30 million (right) of us to see –

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Going Down (Til the Sun Comes Up)

The sun has risen for this oil rig roughneck and he’s goin’ down! Trust me! He did not sing terribly badly, tis true, BUT, he sang first and get real, unless he’s your pick to win the whole damn thing (hello all three of you), then you’ve totally forgotten than he even sang. You know it, and I know it! Hell, I forgot he sang before the show was even over.

Allison Iraheta
Blame it on Your Heart

Paula for once was quite lucid when she held forth that this child could sing the damn alphabet and do it well!! While I can’t stand that nasty lookin mop she has placed upon her little 16 year old head, I do quite like what comes out of this child’s mouth. She got pipes!

Kris Allen
To Make You Feel My Love

I did not feel this child’s love, or anything else. I was just damn bored. He certainly is a cute child and I loved the ring on his finger – just stunning – but, if that’s all I remember, then lawd kids, that just ain’t much!

Scott MacIntyre
Wild Angels

Wild what? Look, this child did my cousin’s ex a favor by croonin when he married the cuz’s replacement. And I don’t hold that against him! I truly don’t! In fact, I think he has quite a career croonin to love-birds as they celebrate that special day that starts the long hard road to divorce court. I’m not bitter, I’m just sayin.

Lil Rounds
Independence Day

Now listen here, we like us some Lil Rounds and it doesn’t matter a damn bit what Simon calls her…we will love that child until the day she is placed out to pasture. This will not be the week! It won’t! Obviously she isn’t a country and western star in the making. We know that! So do you! But she was pretty damn good considering!

Adam Lambert
Ring of Fire

Lawd, this child is something else. Now listen, all the gay boys are just in love with this child because of his over the top performances…and maybe, just a little bit because of this picture. I have refused to get on board because this child is just too much! But lawd kids, these drugs the good Farmacist has prescribed must be doin something to my mind, because I quite liked the hot mess that was Adam tonight!! BRAVO!

Alexis Grace
Jolene

Now listen kids, all I can think of right now is that I’m gonna be stuck with Jolene running through my head as I try to fade off into sleepytime land! I just don’t have words for this tacky performance! None what-so-ever!

Danny Gokey
Jesus Take the Wheel

I have liked this child for some time (partly in protest over the untimely departure of his man-friend Jamar), but tonight I could have done without! As Simon often says, it was indulgent! Quit preaching! We just don’t care! And we also don’t care about only the big notes cuz if you can’t support them with spot-on smaller notes, then who cares about the big ones! Come on!!!

Anoop Desai
You’re Always on My Mind

Oh Lawd, this child’s performance plumb makes me take back every little thing I said about this child last week!! I will dream and fantasize about this child and his, um, performance as soon as my head hits the pillow!!!

Megan Joy
Walkin’ After Midnight

This child is fun and quirky and we like her! She may have been sicker’n’a dog, but lawd we admire that she came out and sang her purty little heart out!! Feelin like we do right now, we could not have done what she did! She got our vote tonight (even if she left Ms. Vodkalips feelin’ cold and clammy like our flu-like symptoms)!!

Matt Giraud
So Small

I do believe this child just rang every bell in my house!! Had I not already declared my intent for Ms. Megan Joy, I would be given my vote to this fella!!! Lawd!!! This child done just sang the house down and replaced that Gokey fella as the reigning “singer” of the bunch! Can he keep it up? We shall see!!

Now listen, I’m gonna take my ass to bed and try to pull it together! Now listen here kids, I’m makin the prediction that we’ll be losing that oil rig roughneck fella. What you think?


Isn’t 13 bad luck?

March 11, 2009

Now listen here kids, once again I don’t have but a damn minute to whack this little bit of on-line nonsense out. My damn driver has informed me after last week’s little hissy fit of honking that I’d better be on-time otherwise my ass will be left behind. Now if you asked me, and no one has as of yet, that damn fool is begging to lose his status as my driver since I’m the one writing out his damn check.

Now y’all are probably wondering what the hell happened to me last week since there were no notifications or any sort of releases from my casa high in the hills above Hollywood after last week’s rather bizarre ending that saw our top expand to a size 13. Now kids, I’ve got nothing against adding someone to an already over-bloated roster…but why 13? My sainted grandmother, may she rest in peace with all the spirits she was so fond of calling up during her long and fulfilling lifetime, was as superstitious as they come and she would not be thrilled with this tempting of the fates by bringing our number up to 13. I was half afraid to climb into bed lest she torment me in my dreams about this unseemly development.

Now kids, if I’m being honest, as we know I always am, I was called away from my big ass teevee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear image – by a rather big-headed Hollywood Jew Lawyer who came over to whisper in my ear some news of a decidedly confidential nature. Now kids, I don’t know sh*t from shinola about the goings on behind the scenes over at that bloated and irrelevant show we watch so faithfully called Idol, but lawd kids, that Ms. Jew Lawyer sure does. Ohhhh Lawd, to say I was shocked and appalled at some of the filth pouring out of her mouth is just the understatement of the year. I was of a good mind to ring up that metrosexual of metrosexuals and register my horror until of course I remembered that (i) what flitted in to my wide open ear was confidential (as if…I live in Hollywood) and (ii) I was drunker’n’a’skunk so I coulda been mistaken.

But now, my only reason for bringing up Ms. Jew Lawyer’s visit was that I missed hearing a couple of those damn frauds belt out what they are calling performances. Although, let’s get real, even the replay of Jasmine, poor thing, was enough to tell me I hadn’t missed a damn thing. Oh lawd, that child didn’t go there did she? What a mess…even if she’s a cute one.

And on the subject of messes, good lawd, Paula was in straight up rare form. Brother-man sent me a covert message over the Facebook stating that he thought she was a rather lousy representative for whatever medication they had given her. Me…lawd, I just wanted some. And let me tell you a damn thing or two…don’t play Drunk Paula at home alone unless you enjoy finding yourself splayed sh*t-faced on the floor. And the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze did not help matters by dropping by rather unannounced with a self-prescribed bottle of his own special medication designed to make the world disappear into some sort of haze. Lawd, even in my foggiest of states, it is apparent that child is working an angle.

Now kids, that old lush D.C. Vodkalips was a hollerin into my iPhone about something or other, lawd love her. I think what she was saying was that Danny Gokey got her hot n’ bothered. Now if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, that child is about the best thing on the damn show. Lawd, I’d give my only child for just a quick moment with he and his man-friend.

But listen here, that fool driver of mine has blasted the horn and I haven’t had a moment to write up these moe-rons that massacred those songs recorded so lovingly by the Progeny’s idol, that White Lady herself, Miss Michael Jackson. So, with horn a blowin in the background, a head a beatin like the drums in Ricky Miner’s band, here’s a quick rundown –

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Love this child…even her misguided outfit! She is one of the few who will overcome the curse of the firsts! Trust me…this child is just tops in my book.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep The Faith

Now, I know that this sightless prodigy serenaded my cousin’s ex and his new wifey at their wedding. And I don’t hold that against him. His performance on the other hand left a whole hell of a lot to be desired. That’s all I’m gonna say!

Danny Gokey
PTY

Pretty young thing indeed! Lawd kids, he’s not really my cup of tea, but damn that child can sing the clothes right off of me. I ended up drinking a glass just in celebration of this performance. Lawd, thank the gods that this was not the finals cuz this child woulda won hands down!

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

I wanted to be! Lawd, I know the judges thought he did swell…me…hell no!

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

And then she wasn’t…just sayin!

Kris Allen
Remember the Time

I have no comment!

Allison Iraheta
Give In To Me

Lawd kids, I love this child and her ballsyness…I did not like last night’s performance. Not even remotely. And that hair…jumpin jeebus…

Anoop Desai
Beat It

Scram. Bounce. Bugger off! Seriously! We liked you now we don’t! You’ve done killed a song we love and hold dear to our cold, dark, snarky hearts.

Jorge Nuñez
Never Can Say Goodbye

Now we like this child, but we did not like the class 1 drag performance he gave last night. Lawd, that big-haired, foul mouthed, Lady Bunny would have been proud to have given a performance half as good at the once glorious but now sadly defunct Wigstock! Whew!

Megan Joy Corkrey
Rockin Robin

Really? Why?

Adam Lambert
Black or White

This child revolts me! I cannot even believe the amount of attention the judges just pour over him. A league all his own? WTF?! I do not understand his reed-thin voice and the appeal it has. I do love his hair!

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

Poor thing…had to follow that over the top Adam fellow. In truth, I was too drunk to know whether this child strummed his gueetar with any degree of acceptability. Pity cuz I’ve liked this boy! Just tell him that it’s human nature!

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Well kids, I certainly felt dirty after watching that…and not in a good way!

So, who’s the two headed home tonight?


Still smarting

February 18, 2009

Now listen here kiddos, I’m still smarting from the very unceremonious way that our buddy Jamar Rogers was dumped last week. And especially so after listening to some of the appalling excuses for man-singers that paraded their tired, overworked selves across my big-ass teevee – the kind the hangs on the wall with the crystal clear picture. As much as I’d like to give a big ole run down of the whole show, I’ve got to get my ass in gear and head to that place where I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me, so it all works out in the end.

A few minutes before the big show started, my trusty little iPhone rang alerting me to the imminent arrival at my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood of Miss Bosoms Galore. Flaunting her ginormous tata’s on my sofa, was a bit distracting for both myself and the good Farmacist Dr. P. Haze who also rather oddly decided to make another appearance to watch a show that, according to the good Farmacist, isn’t worth watching. Now kiddo’s I don’t know what that is all about…seems fishy to me. But, since I didn’t have to part with any of my hard earned money, I have chosen to ignore the implications that the good Farmacist’s presence made. At one point we were also joined by the always in motion Blab R. Mouth. Now listen here, there was almost a fight that broke out behind the gates of my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood. Miss Bosoms Galore declared she was ready to kick the fake teeth out of Mr. Mouth. The good Farmacist insisted on pulling out money to watch said beat down. Lawd kiddos, it was enough to make a sane person run naked through the streets begging for the law to come and haul them away to the loony bin (or Brittney’s house which is kind of the same thing).

Now, in an effort to save a little time, let’s just say that there were only three performances that stood out. So, we’ll talk about those and perhaps touch on the high-as-a-kite Tatiana Del Toro. I commented at one point that the child was so hopped up on Valium that her two-ton ass had a hard time negotiating that long walk to the circular stage. The good Farmacist said that wasn’t the case as there had been a personal delivery of medication to Miss Del Toro’s dressing room shortly before the show to “calm her nerves.” No wonder the good Farmacist is both loved and reviled. Loved for providing medication to the masses who so desperately need it and reviled for providing medication to that train-wreck of a self-marketer.

Now listen here, I’ve got to make this quick –

We loved us some Alexis Grace – while that child did herself no favors by singing Miss Aretha, she showed that she’s got chops and we’d like to see her march on through. We loved us some Anoop-Dog even though he too had some issues with his chosen ditty. We absolutely adored, and would take our clothes off for, Danny Gokey. Yes, that child has a voice that is simply beyond words. Which is all the more reason why we are smarting today. We caught a glimpse of his boy, our boy, Jamar Rogers in the audience and it brought us straight up to tears. That boy is beautiful beyond words and can sing the clothes right off of us.

Speaking of Mr. Rogers, word has slipped through the gates of our casa high in the hills above Hollywood that perhaps our boy might be in play for one of the wild card slots the judges chatted about. Now, we don’t know sh*t-from-shinola when it comes to the workings that is this cumbersome and over-indulgent show we so faithfully watch. We do know that if the judges have an ounce of matter left in their booze-soaked brains, they will serve him up to us on a silver platter.  And speaking of the judges, Drunk Paula was on full display wasn’t she!  Lawd, had their been more booze in my home last night, none of this bit of writing would have happened.  And did that child ramble on-and-on?  Yes!  Yes she did!

Who is going home tonight? Now, this is not something that will be difficult to pick – for sure going home will be Stevie, Stephen and Casey. We feel relatively certain that they will be joined by Ann Marie, Ricky, Brent and Jackie. Here’s my question…who’s in your top three?

UPDATE – Well, this is not all that surprising! I mean, yes, we totally wanted Anoop Dog in our top 12 because we think he deserves a spot. However, we aren’t totally distressed because we know there are at least 2 wild card seats open (assuming of course that the rumor – and yes, it’s just a damn rumor – of Jamar Roger’s return holds out to be true). And plus, we sort of fancy the roughneck’s dorky kind of ways. Will he win? Oh.Hell.No. But, at least we’ll feel good as long as he’s around! The other results were NOT a shock. The only “shock” was that that Metrosexual of Metrosexuals tried to have us believe that it came down to Danny and Tatiana…as if?! Thankfully she’s take some more of the good Farmacist’s medication and was too stoned to give her typical hysteronics! Welcome to the Top 12 ya’ll!