The Final Countdown

May 19, 2009

Now listen here kids, I am not in any kind of mood to be dealing with any sass from you about what I’m fixin to say! I’m just not! Don’t have it in me! I’m tired, my damn driver is stuck in some sort of traffic and I have a very early appointment with one very strict personal trainer who is going to work me over until I turn into some sort of wet noodle like humanoid. So, no, I’m just not interested in hearing about it from the likes of you!

First off, because of the good Farmacist’s apparent interest in this season of Idol and, as a [very generous] reward for having made the first ever votes, I traded favors like no tomorrow and scammed and scored two tickets to tonight’s little shindig at the NOKIA.

As luck would have it, right next door, my hometown team the Lakers were bouncing a little orange ball around a hardwood floor in a hard-fought victory over Carmello and his Nuggets. Now listen kids, I know that we won because I’ve been checking the scores out between performances. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about what went on in the damn NOKIA tonight!

First off, the judges actually gave a sh*t about their appearance. Except for Paula who looked like she had been left outside just a little too long and was fried up in a shade that would make my chef damn proud were he cooking up fried shrimps (a favorite around my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood).

Second, there were a sh*t load of screaming MO-RONS in the damn NOKIA! My head probably would have been in a better shape had I traipsed over to the Staples Center and had Kobe bounce his ball all over me.

And third, Kara SU,UUUUUCKS!

But really, we’re here to see who the hell did the damn thing already and wrapped up this little competition. Now, Guy-Liner did not win the coin toss and, like the quiet, but uber-smart child that he is, Kris banished him to perform first. So, let’s talk about these performances.

Adam
Mad World
Change Is Gonna Come
No Boundaries

Reprising one of his better performances from this past season, Adam came out in full on Marilyn Manson regalia and damn near brought the house down. Kids, this child is a performer from the word GO! With the hair and the eyeliner, the jacket and that damn dry ice sh*t damn near sickening me from my perch just a little too close to the stage, it was just something else! He performed this number even better than earlier in the season.

Now for the second number, Simon someone or other, the old geezer now in charge of running this pompous show, plucked out of his well-worn tall hat a little Sam Cooke number! And lawd kids, this child damn near sang this song to perfection! Woo, I will say this is the best I have EVAH heard this child perform! The real question is, did it get my vote. Winner of Round 2!

For his third number, this child was forced, yes, forced to perform the winner’s next “single!” What a farcical load of sh*t-balls this song was. Just one of the many reasons why I think Kara de’shoot me now needs to get the hell off the stage. Hell, not one damn judge (well, except herself of course) had a nice word for this song! PU-UKE! Neither child will be judged or graded on how they perform this number! HELL TO THE NO!

Kris
Ain’t No Sunshine
What’s Goin On
No Boundaries

Now listen here kids, I was hopin and a praying that I would get to see little Mr. Hot-Stuff perform that ditty he did last week that just sent me and the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, into a voting frenzy. But you know, I’m just damn glad he didn’t. That song is still fresh in my mind, but, I had forgotten about “Ain’t No Sunshine!” Damn, Damn, Damn! This child done rang my bell! I have TiVo’d this little number and will watch when I get home. I have also purchased from the iTune’s store – a place I don’t like, but frankly couldn’t help but visiting! Grouchy old Simon was right, Kris took Round 1 hands-freakin-down!

This Simon guy must have been feeling nostalgic for the “good old days” when he was a youngster as he picked a Marvin Gaye classic for baby-boy Kris. And, Kris did all right on this performance. Frankly, Randy was right, it was not quite a big enough song for that big old theater. But, it wasn’t nearly as bad as Simon said. I could give a f*ck less what the other two judges thought.

Lawd kids, this dumb b*tch Kara has rambled on and on acting like she’s she queen sh*t around this pompous-ass show tonight. Given the “reception” that the audience gave this song tonight (don’t know how it translated onto the telly), she should go hide her head in shame. We LAUGHED out loud as this disaster of a “single” and could give neither Kris nor Adam an advantage based on this damn song!

Now listen, I’m STILL sitting in some f*cked up traffic and I ain’t happy about it. The good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, has been self-medicating and is snoring like a damn grizzly bear. I just wanna climb into bed already! Tomorrow night, we’ll find out who is taking home the whole enchilada. In truth though, these two are mighty fine performers and will have long and successful careers ahead of them. While we’ve got our favorite here at Idol Chatter, we won’t be disappointed whatever the outcome! Which, in our minds, is perhaps what makes this the best season of Idol ever!

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We called it!

May 13, 2009

So listen kids, we are not the least bit shocked by how this bloated and beleaguered show we affectionately call Idol played out tonight. No we aren’t! We have suspected for some time that our Grand Finale would be made up of Adam and Kris. Having said that, we must say that this was, in our grandiose estimation, the best top three we’ve ever had! We think Danny will have a great career and yes, we are sorry to see him go. It was however a great pleasure to see him greet his man-friend so affectionately! We were reminded again of just how many naughty thoughts that child Jamar puts in our heads! Lawd-a-mercy!

But, we aren’t really here to chat about who gets us all hot-and-bothered! We’re here to chat about tonight’s show! We absolutely knew that Kris would be in our finale! While at first he rather reminded us of a timid church mouse sneaking onto stage, we have always been in awe of the spin he places on the music! Sick!! Just sick!!!

And Adam, well, he’s an entertainer from the word go! And tonight we saw why – starting on the stage at a very young age, it’s no wonder he is flawless in his performances. And let me just say, the rendition of our National Anthem we were treated to all snippet-like, was perhaps the best we’ve heard him perform. If only he’d take that Valium the Professor prescribed, we’d be much more apt to call the win for Adam.

But we aren’t kids! Nope, not even remotely! We think this will be quite the finale with two incredibly talented artists who will both have careers in the biz for years and years to come!

At this point, it’s anyone’s game! Although I have a sneaking suspicion that crowing our big wee-ner, might leave some slack-jawed in shock! It is NOT a forgone conclusion!

Until next week ya’ll! Cheers!


The boys are back in town

May 12, 2009

Now listen here kids, I’m just gonna say it straight out the gate – we got ourselves a damn competition! Lawd y’all, this is a top three that just makes me swoon and behave all kinds of crazy!

The boys took off this week to their respective home towns – vignettes of which we shall most assuredly be tortured with tomorrow night. Clips so staged it was nearly like watching a reality show, showed us the boys getting text messages on phones that were not theirs from the judge who would choose one of their two songs for the night. And, as is typical, the judges choices stunk to high heaven. Also typical is how the judges just think their selection is the end-all-be-all. Shoooot!

Now kids, the ex, that good Farmacist Dr. P. Haze, could not be bothered to watch this bloated and self-indulgent show for the preceding seven seasons no matter how we begged, pleaded and cajoled. Since being kicked to the curb however, the good Farmacist has found ways to shimmy over the walls, skirt the daunting security system and elude the burly security guards posted around my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood each night that the Idol has played out on my tee-vee, the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear picture.

Tonight was no exception. As the driver pulled past the gates, we caught the delectable whiff of meats being barbecued on the grill. Sure enough, a purview of the back patio revealed a lovely spread of perfectly grilled Filet Mignon, large baked potatoes with all the fixins and some fresh veggies that could only have come from the little organic farm just down the way. Lawd y’all, it was like heaven!

But listen kids, we aren’t here to talk about what I filled my belly with or what it is the good Farmacist wants (because you don’t do all this for your ex iffn you don’t want somethin…just sayin). We’re here to chat about what it is these boys did tonight!

Danny
Dance Little Sister
You Are So Beautiful

So Drunk (or as we’ve recently found out, Strung-Out) Paula chose a Terence Trent D’Arby song to lead off the judge’s choice for Danny. Now listen, we’ve always liked us some Terence Trent D’Arby – I mean, who wouldn’t given that name – but this was NOT the correct song for Danny. Now I know this is a damn singing competition, but this child’s dancing was so distracting that we found ourselves having to shut our eyes for the better part of this performance. The vocals were much better, but still, we just weren’t thrilled. Now, singing Joe Cocker WAS a smart move! This child has been paying attention to those who say the similarity between their voices is just too great to ignore. And certainly Danny put on some serious vocals for this performance. The unfortunate part of it, for us, was that we felt like he was trying to take us back to that mega-church we’ve tried so hard to escape from. That one from our past that was hyper and loud and just too damn happy. It’s a turn off for our cold, dark, snarky heart and we aren’t ashamed to admit it. While this child has an amazing voice and will go far in the gospel circles, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, we just don’t see this child making it to the finals.

Kris
Apologize
Heartless

Let’s just get this out of the way – we do NOT like this new judge Kara what’s her name. She may have some vocal chops but we’d like nothing more than to see someone take a big ole roll of duct tape to her mouth! She makes us want to throw things at our very expensive tee-vee – the kind…never mind…you already know what kind. Now, we love the song that Randy and Kara chose for Kris and we even liked his performance…enough that we bothered Ms. Vodkalips right in the middle of pouring herself another large, stiff cocktail to tell her so. But when that Metrosexual of all Metrosexuals asked the Kris if his personal selection had been difficult and he said “NO!” and then said he’d be singing “Heartless” by Kanye West, we sat straight up on our sofa. Yes kids, we did! Ballsy! Foolhardy! Sh*t! Then that child walked out on stage with just his damn gee-tar and blew our damn socks right off! Best performance of the night! We loved this little number so much that we promptly purchased it off the iTunes! Yes we did! And while we love Mr. West’s version – we love, love The Kris’s version! Lawd kids, our heart is still fluttering over that damn performance!

Adam
One
Cryin

Now Simon gave Adam one of his favorite songs to perform. And we, like Simon, just love this Bono song. Lawd kids, we loves it! We did NOT love Adam’s performance of the same tonight! Not remotely! We got up and walked off! Yes, we did! And, while we think this child is quite an amazing performer, we must say that we agree with the Professor that this child needs a Valium. The good Farmacist actually questioned why this child needs to scream at us each and every damn time. We too wondered the same damn thing. I’d like to say that Cryin was a rousing success – but really – it was more of the same – perfect, but over the top, performance!

Now listen kids, tonight brought a first – yes kids, a damn first – the good Farmacist actually voted! And not just once, but 5 damn times! We were so proud of the good Farmacist that we peed ourselves just a little! Oh, you are probably wondering who the good Farmacist voted 5 times for. Well, it’d be the same fraud that my valued and vaunted vote was given to – THE Kris!! We just love this child who one person on the Facebook said reminded them of our dear friend, little Reese Witherspoon! So, which one of the boys is headed back home tonight?


A conversation with the Professor

May 6, 2009

As approved by Major League Baseball

The Professor: OMG Paula!

TP: WOW, she super-duper SUCKED!

Idol Chatter: Oh it wasn’t that bad…her backup dancers were cute!

TP: I was too busy shielding my head and face from the screen, rocking in a fetal ball begging for it to stop to scope the eye candy. She came where for the music? Hell has a has-been discoteque?

IC: ROTFLMAO!

IC: We voted for Allison…finally decent hair!!

IC: “Hell has a has-been discoteque” Classic!

TP: Major League Baseball grants you permission to post that. I think the world should know.

IC: Agreed!!!

IC: OMFG…I could have sworn Kris was going home!!!!

TP: Who’s the mega-hottie that’s part of Kris’ family? Good God!

IC: Had to rewind to see who you were talking bout…yuummmmyy!

IC: Top 3…all guys?

TP: You never know!

IC: Wouldn’t it be shocking if Adam went home tonight!

TP: Yes and incredibly satisfying. He needs a valium and a tongue scraper.

IC: Daughtry still makes us HOT!

TP: Package!

IC: Woof!!

TP: You got it! Daughtry and J-HUD came in 4th.

IC: Excellent point!!!

TP: To further clarify, Justin Guarini and Clay Aiken came in second, so Adam is destined to don a technicolor dreamcoat as America’s favorite Gay runner up.

IC: You are like the Gaydol Historian.

TP: Yes, imagine a fire, a wingback chair, a fake British accent and a corncob pipe (filled medicinally).

IC: Imagination overload…danger Will Robinson, danger!

TP: You see [puff, puff] Kelly Pickler’s enunciation of “escargo” works many levels…

IC: Oh geezus!!! I’m going to wet myself!

We’re gonna miss little hotstuff but remember kids, as the Professor has pointed out, 4th place ain’t so bad!!!

IC:


Slashin the competition

May 5, 2009

Now listen here kids, my head is a poundin from tryin to keep up with that lush D.C. Vodkalips who shared with me the secret of being totally sloshed on only two drinks. Take a big ass bottle of vodka and do a five count while pouring – like this – 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi and so on, allowing some extra splash at the end. Top that off with a splash of your favorite soda and prepare to be schnockered! Good lord, that’s worse than Drunk Paula and her plethora of pain killers.

But we aren’t here to talk about drinking. See, the other reason my head is a poundin tonight is because we’ve been treated to a night of heavy metal type rockin and rollin. Well, sort of! And lawd kids, we just knew that two of the damn children would knock this right out of the park. The other two proved our theory that only two would knock it out that same park. See how that works?!

Now tonight there was lots and lots going some of which we’ve alluded to in our earlier posting regarding those damn stairs! We are sorry to hear that one stage manager nearly had her damn leg severed from her body. We trust that she’ll soon be hobbling back around that over-indulgent stage! We really do! It seems the entire stage had issues and perhaps it’s a sign of things to come. It’s truly starting to fall apart. We hate to say it, but we will…this show has come undone!

Now, as part of tonight’s rockin event, we were treated to the musical stylings of Slash, that crazy haired, chain smokin fool we wished to be when we were much younger. We still love that fool, although we’ve long ago gotten over his particular brand of head-bangin music! We were also treated to some form of torture called duets – well, at least the first couple was torture. Lawd-a-mercy kids, that was a train wreck straight from the get-go!

Now y’all know I could go on-and-on, but my head is pounding and my bed is a callin!

Adam
Whole Lotta Love

Performing Led Zepplin is a big order…unless of course you are Adam. We’ve known he’s a rocker. We knew without a doubt that he’d slam this one out the park. Ms. Vodkalips, in her drunk stupor, again wished to be a gay man so as to be able to make a play for all his…wait for it…”hotness!” We just think this child has found his niche!

Allison
Cry Baby

Well, at 17, this child has just shown the world that she will be hard-rockin the stages of the world for a bazillion years to come. We couldn’t be more proud of this child! We also couldn’t be more proud of Adam for sharing his stylist who did up and did over that horrid dead animal that has been sitting atop this child’s head for practically the whole damn season! Tonight, we liked!

Adam & Allison
Slow Ride

We agree with those overly self-important judges who said these two children put this “duet” on their forthcoming albums! Lawd y’all, we don’t even like this style of music, but weren’t we surprised to found ourselves up whoopin and a hollerin!!

Kris
Come Together

While those too damn self-important judges universally panned this performance, we found it quite nice! We found it a soulful bit of rock-n-roll! Had we not given our vote to another, we would have voted for this child! Yes we would have! We will admit that this genre of music is not this child’s forte…but, we were impressed that he gave it the old college try!

Danny
Dream On

Dream on is right! Lawd, this song was divided in to three parts. The first part, slow and boring. The second part brought out the church boy and well, it’s was pretty gravely and good! The third part dominated the other two and was hideous like a really bad horror movie! Now listen, we have loved this child’s voice and have held a special place in our hearts for him because of the close bond he shares with his man friend who we love more than life itself. But we could not be called upon to vote for this child…not after that last note which sent us running to the bathroom to upchuck our lovely dinner!

Kris & Danny
Renegade

I have nothing to say about this! Blech!

Now kids, we are in that part of the season where projecting who will win is like herding cats underwater…hardern’hell ya know! But damn it, that’s never stopped us before! We’re gonna say that our old pal Kris is probably outta here tomorrow night! But we’re also gonna hedge our bet just a little by saying that the margin between he and the next lowest will be razor thin. Then again…what do we know?


Well blow me down!

April 30, 2009

Now listen here kids, I did something rare on a Wednesday night – I hit the record button on my trusty little TiVo-like device and turned the boob toob off! Yes I did! Now kids, this morning I wake to find that perhaps I shouldn’t have been so hasty. In fact, maybe I should have looked at the poll numbers (all five of ya) from right here. Instead, I got a little carried away with the neighbor (you know who you are) and missed the whole damn thing!

This fine morning of course, sandwiched in between the ever growing panic around some flu one gets from kissing a pig and my favorite weather gurl expounding on the never-changing weather here in the Southland of Caleefornia, I get the news that the bottom three consisted of Matt (well, no surprise there), Kris (huh?) and Adam (WTF?). Now listen here kids, yesterday all the reports were that Kris and Adam were our top two based off of your downloads from iTunes (a place I try to stay far, far away from…or not). If one were a conspiracy theorist, they might suggest that perhaps Idol scripted last night’s bottom three to counteract this bit of sloppiness on their part. But I don’t do theories, conspiracy or otherwise. So, I’m just gonna say it this way – Kris sang first and that’s always a curse! And Adam, well kids, while we think Adam is one more amazing entertainer, he does get a little bit grating after a while. So, hmmm…maybe, just maybe, we’re starting to get bored. Who knows, maybe he was starting to get bored himself what with all that coasting he’s been doing. We’ll know next week won’t we!

For now, we [finally] bid a long overdue adieu to that crooner, pianist person from way up north in Kalamazoo. We wish him well!


Brat Pack!

April 28, 2009

Now listen here kids, somethin’s goin on over there at that bombastic and self-indulgent show called Idol. Little changes have continually been made this season and by gum, they were on full display tonight. Lawd-a-mercy, somebody is in full meltdown over the negative trajectory of this show. Don’t believe me? Well, hit the damn rewind on your TiVo and ask yourself what the hell happened to Drunk Paula tonight. Ask yourself why we went back to starting the judges comments with Randy instead of whomever felt like they should start. Yeah, ask yourself those questions and then it will become way too clear to you that someone has been tinkering with the little things that we’ve come to expect on the show and perhaps the numbers are not working out like the moron in charge thought. And that kids, makes me wonder if this will be the last season we see Kara as a judge. Just sayin!

Now listen, I’d like to spend just a couple of minutes talking about that Drag Queen we affectionately call Drunk Paula. WTF? Listen, I know we here at Idol Chatter like to make serious fun of this child! Hell, we’ve even developed a drinking game to make certain you can get as f*cked up as she is! But lawd kids, last night was the first time in all 8 seasons that I can remember when Paula was lucid, cogent and on-point. And I’ll tell ya, it was so disconcerting I found it hard to watch. No red eyes? No rambling? No head in Simon’s lap? No pointless banter with Simon? No standing touchdowns? No sitting touchdowns? She was a damn robot and frankly it was so off-putting that we have no idea what to make of it. As much as we hate to say it, we miss Drunk Paula!

But, we could go on and on about this mess of a show. We could point out that, despite it’s continued popularity, it is losing viewers like water through a damn strainer. But you kids are loyal damn fans like we are and really, all you want to know is how those damn frauds and one fraudette performed tonight. For once they were all hittin at the top of their game. We’d like to blame it on that, make us want to take our clothes off hotness, Mr. Jamie Foxx, but frankly, we can’t. Because we think these children have plumb decided to step up their game. In fact, we were having a hard time figuring out which damn child we liked best. If we are being honest, and you know we always are, there was one who flitted across our big-ass-tee-vee, the kind that hangs on the wall and projects one of those crystal clear images, that we did not particularly care for and felt he fell far short of what it takes to be our next Idol. Yes kids, we said it…HE!

Kris
The Way You Look Tonight

This child just gets better and better! Once a church mouse sneaking up to the stage hoping we wouldn’t really notice him, he’s become some sort of crooner that makes us feel all funny on our insides. Yes kids, we will admit this freely…we loves this child! And if you must know, our vaunted and hard to get vote was given to this child and only this child!

Allison
Someone To Watch Over Me

This child we did not expect to come and and croon to us. We expected this little birthday girl to come out and once again rock us out. But da-da-damn! Not this time! Sounding like a edgier Pink, this child came on out and brought it!! We like find ourselves impressed and in love even with her look. Simon can go screw himself!

Matt
My Funny Valentine

We did not like this pitchy and not very cleverly sung version of this showtune which has been done up and done over by more members of the Rat Pack that you can shake a stick at! We agreed with Randy that it was just not up to snuff! We’ve voted this child off once before and we are asking all the gods wherever they may or may not exist to help us in sending this child back to where he belongs (a place we are sure exists but which we don’t care to know of or about)!

Danny
Come Rain or Shine

Continuing with his revival themed performances, Danny gave a mixed bag tonight. Now listen, we have been a big fan of this child for a very long time. But y’all know as well as we do that this child has been off his game for some weeks running. Tonight, certainly for the first half of this performance, we were quite sure this child was once again off his game. Crazy thing though, it was like about halfway through that a different Danny came out to play and damn, this child closed this little performance out with a freakin bang! We found ourselves feeling like we’d been to our sainted grandmother’s church during one of those “fire-falling” services that would scare the beejeezus out of us as a little ankle-biter watching the little old ladies run around waving hankies!! HALLELUJAH!!! SING IT BROTHER!! WOO-HOO!!!

Adam
Feeling Good

Frankly kids, there ain’t a damn thing to say about this child that we haven’t already said! He’s over-the-top goodness! We loves him! Ms. Vodkalips rang to say she wished she were a gay man so she could make a play at this hot man. He makes her wet all over and not in the way that Simon used earlier when talking about Kris! And listen here kids, this was a rendition of a song that has been sang more times on the show than Drunk Paula putting her head in Simon’s lap. But never like this!!!

So listen kids, the music of the Rat Pack was brought to us by the Brat Pack and we liked!!! We are in agreement with ourselves that this was the best week so damn far! But someone has to go!