Ding Dang Y’all!

April 1, 2008

Be still my quiverin heart! There she was in all her glory – that big booosomed, bewigged temptress Miss Dolly Parton herself! Memories flooded back of mom ‘n pop loadin sister gurl and me into our big ole’ Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser wagon, the maroon one with wood panelin, and drivin through the smoky mountains of sister gurl’s birth to visit heaven on earth – DOLLYWOOD!! Yee Haw! Ahhh the memories! And let’s just chat here for a minute about Miss Big Boooosom herself. Ya know she’s gotta be like 90 years old, but dang y’all, she don’t look a day over 45 and that booosom…woooohooo! Plastic she may be, but plastic works for little boys playin’ with rosie and her five sisters.

With the overload of memories, I seriously doubted whether I’d be able to concentrate on the music. And lawd ya’ll, we know Miss Big Boooosom is song writer extraordinaire, but we also must contend with those frauds we are callin contestants and the question for me, assuming I could get past my juvenile obsession with those boooosoms, was would they do Miss Dolly’s songs justice. Before I could get that question properly sorted out, Brooke came strollin’ out with her geetar. Let’s get real ya’ll, this blonde thing from AZ is boring on so many levels. I know, I know…my mind is still in the juvenile gutter, but this gurl don’t do squat for me. And that strumming…bleck!

By the way, who pee’d in Simon’s Wheaties tonight? Lawd-a-mercy ya’ll, that man had his panties so twisted he was darn near turnin purple in the face. For once I was wishin ole’ Drunk Paula to reach over and provide a little lap relief. Alas, she appeared realitively sober tonight which left Mr. Nasty Pants verbally assaulting all of those precious little frauds. I wished for my dear sweet saintly grandmother to make her way off the smoky mountain retreat and stick a cake of lye soap in that man’s mouth. The chirren don’t need no more abuse than they get on the regular and man was ole’ Nasty Pants full of it.

Well, that’s not to say that some of it wasn’t deserved. I’ve already mentioned little miss goody two shoes and that mangling of Joleen. Poor little Ramiele…she’s just out classed, out sung and plum outdone. Send her packin. And lawd, ya’ll know I love me some Jason Castro, but he surely sounded the same this week as he did last. Lawd knows I’d strip nekkid and let that dread-head strum me all over like he did that geetar tonight, but ya’ll know I gott be honest (because I always am), he just bored me a little bit. And there ya have it…my bottom three.

I forgot to mention that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze has spent the past several days attempting to atone for the sin of tangling with Johnny Law. As such, I came home to an amazing dinner and a lovely bottle of a fruity white wine. Kiddies, I’m just a little tanked and not particularly upset with the good Dr. any longer. That being said, and the good Dr.’s love for elfin-boy not withstanding, I am sick to death of little David Archuleta. Randy declared him back and I just declared war. That child has a lovely voice but his daddy’s got him by the balls and is runnin him around ragged makin him live out the life daddy wishes were his. Seriously ya’ll, daddy is screwin things up! If you don’t believe me, just head over to Harvey’s pad and play a little catch up. I know there’s a cute little pre-pubescent little girl out there somewhere who is just dyin for him to croon to her, but the rest of us grown folks are all throwin up just a little in our mouths.

Well ya’ll, I’m gonna wrap this up and head to bed to bask in memories of smoky mountains, big booosoms and Rosie’s regular night-time visits. I’d be stoopid though if I didn’t tell you that I absolutely adored Mr./Miss. Cook tonight. Ole lush herself, DC Vodkalips, rang to chat about Mr. Cook’s haircut…loved it! I’m pretty sure though that that night belonged to Michael Johns. Yee Haw ya’ll!!!

UPDATE – 04/02/08

You’re outta here –

Pint-sized powerhouse Ramiele Malubay who seems to have lost her voice since her soul-mate and sister Danny Noriega left the show.  Poor thing, cried buckets and buckets last night, soaking Simon’s favorite shirt.

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Ballsy!

March 25, 2008

I have spent the greater part of my day trying to extricate the good Dr. P. Haze from the long arms of the law and have arrived home just in time to plunk my tired ass down in front of the boob tube and hear Ryan say “thiiiis iiiis American Idol!” Now kiddies, I’m jus’ plum tuckered out and I ain’t got it in me to sit and soliloquize on and on about this hot mess that mesmerizes us week after week. I just can’t! A word of caution here kiddies, even in such a magnificently progressive state as the left leaning state in which I live, law enforcement takes a rather dim view of those who specialize in the treatment of sick folks (real or imagined) with herbal remedies. They don’t like it one bit. But, we aren’t here to talk about the legality of rendering services to heal the sick (real or imagined). We’re here to talk about the top 10 finalists.

Having watched the show front to back, start to finish, with the good Dr. by my side (and awake…a true miracle), I must say that we’ve got a good crop this year. Being as I was too tired to find the liquor cabinet, I’m saying that sober as a judge. Damn good bunch of kiddies that don’t need the good Dr.’s services to settle their frazzled nerves. They’re workin it out!

I can’t say I was too thrilled by little Ramiele’s version of one of my favorite songs from the high school days. But it wasn’t a total mess. I absolutely adored my boy Jason’s rendition of Fragile. Sayesha didn’t stand out, but didn’t suck. The same could be said for just about all of those loud-mouth attention seekers we’re calling contestants this year.

Well, almost all – I absolutely wanted to heave when Chikezie sang. Bleck!!! Elfin-boy, David Archuleta sang a song I use to love back in the day (geebus I’m getting old) and he did a right nice job (even if his daddy chose the song for him). The good Dr. just loves little David to death and, given my frame of mind regarding the good Dr. at the moment, I’d rather like to see little elfin-boy sent packin right now…but alas, the world just doesn’t revolve around me. Truth be told though, I’m rather fond of the good Dr. so perhaps, just perhaps, we’ll let little David stay around for one more week.

Like I said, I’m really not in any mood to sit here and whack out a rehashing of what we’ve all just witnessed. Just can’t…not in me. But before I toddle off to beddy-bye, I do need to talk about the size of David Cook’s balls. Huge! Monstrous! The size of the watermelons growing in my dear, sweet grandmother’s garden. If I’m being honest (and you know I always am), I did not like Mr. Cook back in Hollywood days. That greasy shock of hair – that smug mug. Just. Did. Not. Like. Him. Then he twisted Lionel Ritchie’s classic “Hello” and I fell in l-o-v-e! The good Dr. loves Michael Jackson (as does our little progeny)! In fact, our little guy has a HUGE poster of The White Lady (as my dear friend Mama over at The Real Estalker loves to call her) hanging in his room. I mean MJ has been off the scene for how long, and my little guy still wants to imitate him. That shows just how much influence MJ has over music! HUGE! But still no-where near as HUGE as the balls that Mr. David Cook is in possession of. How that man manages to fit those skin-tight jeans of his over those balls is beyond me. I mean, to take a classic like Billie Jean and rework it..balls!

The lesson for today kiddies has nothing to do with the good Dr. and herbal legality issues. The lesson today is that there is a difference between having balls and being ballsy! Mr. David Cook is one ballsy dude! When his CD comes out, it damn well better have this version of Billie Jean on it!

And with that lesson out the box, I’m off to follow the good Dr. and our progeny to bed! Sleep tight y’all! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!

Oh crap ya’ll – I forgot to mention that Mr. Cook is not the only one with some big ole’ balls! Seems the other Cook in the competition has some pretty damn big ones herself! That twangy temptress, Ms. Kristy Lee Cook has been vocally challenged since we hit the top 12. Pretty much a damn train wreck. Tonight though, she dusted off her balls, put on her big girl pants and sang Lee Greenwood’s song God Bless The USA! (she did a very presentable job). The real genius behind that was the choice of songs. Red Necks in every one of the red states, now feel like they’ve got the whole ball o’ wax with her – she’s hot and she a true patriot – Go Red. Go White. Go Blue. You go girl!! Ya did your thang!

UPDATE – 3/26/08

You’re outta here –

That fella with the one name – Chikezie – The world breathes a collective sigh of relief!


A night to forget!

March 18, 2008

With a wee bit of sun still floating in the sky and our child straight up gone for the week, the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, and I hightailed it down the hill to Tantra for a little dindin before settling in for what was billed as another exciting Beatles night over at AI. The ambiance was perfection as was the food (good gawd I love me some coconut shrimp curry). The wine wasn’t too bad either – least I think so – it’s hard to tell after polishing off a bottle and then swiping a bottle from another table that looked like it had a drop or two still in it. Weaving our way back home, we sank into our rather deevine down-stuffed sofa to breath in the colors of Idol (errrr…I think Drunk Paula may have taken over my body at this moment).

Our good friend Ms. Vodkalips called and expressed some concern as to my mental state. Seattle’s own, Chindiana, also rang but frankly, it was taking everything I had to hang on to my last thread of sobriety and so I, well truth be told, I hit the ignore button. And then the show started…

Errrrr, I think it did anyway. Maybe it was the food. Maybe it was the web of fog the good Dr. Haze prescribed. Maybe it was the wine. Or perhaps a combination of all of it. Whatever it was, I found myself bored and completely underwhelmed at those frauds we are calling finalists.

Eyes drooped almost immediately upon rocker chick Amanda taking the stage. I don’t know what she sang. I’m pretty sure it sucked. Ms. Country Thang with the fine ass[ets] sauntered onto the stage and well, sucked. Elfin boy and lyrically challenged heart-throb, David, actually managed to remember the words and put forth a strong performance. Is it just me, or is his shtick getting just a little bit old? Yes, it is!

I’d love to remember the rest of the line-up but I can’t. I’m afraid I dozed off. I do remember Simon saying that perhaps a Beatle redux wasn’t the best idea. Ya think?!

I wish I could pull some predictions from somewhere, but this feeble mind of mine just can’t seem to make sense of this luke-warm mess we’ve just witnessed. There aren’t words! I can’t even tell you who sucked worse. I think I’m going to collect the good Dr. Haze and hit the hay…

Nite y’all!

UPDATE 3/19/08

You’re outta here:

Amanda Overmyer – rocker chick extraordinare


Live Blogging – Top 12 Results Show

March 6, 2008

Just got off the phone with DC Vodkalips. We’ve settled into a good rythm; pounding cocktails left and right. Good grief, how else are we suppose to deal with that atrocity of a hat that Paula’s wearing. At least she’s not giving Simon a hand job…yet.

Anyway, Ryan’s has announced that he and Lionel talked this afternoon and that he loved David Cook’s performance of Hello. We’re shocked? No! David’s into the top 12. Wait…here’s a shocker…David Archuleta is IN. HOT DAMN! My dread boi made it.

In so far…

David Cook
David Archuleta
Jason Castro

Commercials are over; another cocktail in hand. Of course in my house it’s never quite that simple. My 9 year old has decided to practice soccer and is using the staircase to really pound it out which has freaked his dog the hell out and DAMN! I just spilled my cocktail!

Oh sh*t, DC Vodkalips is calling and wants to chat about what a total mess Kady Malloy is. She’s out…thank dogs-n-cats forever! According the Ms. Vodkalips, Kady’s tits look like an Irish scrubwoman’s. And with that pronouncement, she’s off for another cocktail (me too).

Joining the “in” crowd

Brooke White
Sayesha Mercado

We’re back! Cocktail refreshed! Screamed at the dog and the boy…typical…they’ve ignored me. Thank Buddha Idol loves me still. WooHoo…there really is an Allah…stipper boi’s in! So’s Michael Johns. That leaves three…oh wait, there goes Luke…cool, that means it comes down to Danny and Chikezie. Don’t know who to root for there…I mean, they both from SoCal. Thank God the Jitterbug is over…bleck!

And by the way, Ryan needs to stop tellin people to take a stool. As Ms. Vodkalips pointed out, it rather sounds like he’s suggesting they take a sh*t! Anyway…joining the fellows…

David Hernandez
Michael Johns

Doin the chicks now…Ramiele’s in! So’s Carly. Hot Damn! Amanda’s in. Oh Damn! We’re down to Asia’h and Kristy Lee. Oh great…typical Ryan…callin out a commercial. Off to refill the cocktail…

Ramiele Malubay
Carly Smithson
Amanda Overmyer

Paula’s blathering on about some somethin…what? Oh Lord…she believes in both of them…oh wow…Simon says Asia’h’s goin home…but who’s out…Asia’h is OUT…WOAH!!

Rounding out our top 12 girls

Kristy Lee Cook

I know I’m a little bit Drunk Paula right now, but damn, I’m gonna miss me some Asia’h – weird ass spelling and all. I mean hell, she managed to purrrform right after her dad died…shouldn’t that be worth somethin? I demand a recount! Oh wait…we ain’t in Florida and she ain’t Bush! So hmmmm…I’m onna miss ya girl!

Danny and Chikezie up now.  Danny cryin like a little biatch…no shocker there (just to be fair, I am too…least I ain’t on national TV).  OH MY F’ING GOSH…we sent Danny home?  And kept Chikezie…bleck!!!  I know I bagged on Danny but you know, I got kinda fond of that little flamer.  Big kisses!!  Ya did good.

So there ya have it…our top 12 includes a one namer…

Chikezie

TMTH…I’m outta here!


Top 8 girls

March 5, 2008

You’re as drunk as I am!  You played the game right?  Then you’re as drunk as I am!  Geezus…just how smashed was she?  At one point, she full on had her head over in Simon’s lap.  My good friend DC Vodkalips wrang to say that Paula was plastered.  Geez, if that lush knew something was wrong, then she must have been one hot mess.  Thank dogs-n-cats that she’s got a driver.  Favorite quote of the night came from Drunk Paula –

I don’t understand what’s going on here!

As mentioned in a previous post, our good friends over at Harvey’s place, TMZ, seem to have a damn spy cam over at the studio.  I’m diggin that for real.  Once again though, just like their big reveal that Danny Noriega was the best in rehearsals, we were told that Brooke was the worst.  Granted, I was pretty damn drunk by the time we got to Brooke, but I thought she pretty dang well rang that bell.  Harvey, come on…you guys always have the best info…what gives with the slippage?

It’s my opinion that the boys are just stronger this season.  However, there are a couple of the chicks that I’m diggin on.  Ok, not diggin like David Cook when he said, as reported by TMZ, that he could “do” one of them, but you know, diggin…(geezus I sound like Drunk Paula).

Let’s see if I can “bring it all together” for ya…

Amanda Overmyer – Ummmm…hell yeah!  The rocker chick is back and doin her thang!  Joan Jet eat your heart out.  Seriously though, I’ve decided that’s my theme song right now – “Hate myself for lovin you” except I ain’t talking about Amanda rather about my love life…but that’s a whole ‘nuther Oprah!

Carly Smithson – Love the accent!  Love the tats!  Love, love, love this song!  Sorry, in the midst of all my rap, hip hop, trip hop, electronica, you’ll find Ms. Celine doin’ this song.  Crazy I know!  Carly knocked it out the park!

Brooke White – Another great performance – “Love is a Battlefield” – Damn right!  She’s just a little bit too holy and wholesome for me.  Everytime I see her I think, she needs to be dirtied up…just a little.  Then she sings and, for whatever reason I really like her.  She’s like a straight version of lesbian crooner K.D. Lang.  Ok, maybe not…but sorta ya think?  Whatever?!  Point is…I like her!

So, who don’t I like?  Well, for sure I think it’s time for good ole Katy Malloy to pack her bag of weaves and voices and head back to wherever talking wigs come from.   Love her many and varied voices.  Can’t stand to hear the one that is her.  bleck!   I don’t know who the hell should go home with her though.  I mean, we could send Syesha Mercado.  She’s not bad…but…or…we could send Kristy Lee Cook, but damn, I actually really like her (red tongue and all).

My top 6

Amanda Overmyer
Asia’h Epperson
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramiele Malubay

You watched?  What u think?


Girl’s Rehearsal

March 5, 2008

Our good friends over at TMZ.com have a pretty dang good pair of binoculars judging by their latest post. Better than ours here at Idol Chatter. According to Harvey’s gang over at TMZ, the boy with the too-damn-white-teeth who is chasing after Dick Clark’s mantel, has been serenading the contestants during the rehearsals. Egads! I shudder! Apparently tonight he killed (literally) with a sicktacular version of You Give Love A Bad Name!

Last night TMZ reported that Danny Noriega had the best rehearsal. Obviously that didn’t translate to the big time LIVE performances. Tonight they are saying that the worst, by a mile, is Brook White performing a Pat Benatar number. May the gods and goddesses have mercy on us all!

Anyone close to the Grove should probably head over and say “hey” to Danny and Ramiele –

Danny Noriega and Ramiele Malubay are definitely best friends. He was on the side making a half-a-heart sign with his hands and she would complete the heart. The two talked about going to the mall for food after rehearsal.