Spoiler Alert!

April 10, 2008

If tomorrow this post is gone, then you’ll know I was wrong. But I’m not! While she isn’t my pick to be gone (this week), she is in my bottom three for sure. You just can’t do Whitney and then Fantasia without making folks yawn. The girl’s got chops, but just isn’t in the league the other two are. So, based on a crazy little program first reported on by Harvey’s gang, we’re gonna call it. So long Miss Sayesha…your day job awaits!

On another note, I’d like to say just how proud of my little guy I am! He watched The Big Give Idol Gives Back, asked how much money was in his savings account and gave it all! $120 is a lot of money for a 9 year old! Made me damn proud!

UPDATE – 4/10/07

You’re outta here –

Well, color me shocked! Apparently my sources in Hollyhood got it wrong, wrong, wrong!! Next thing you know DC Vodkalips, Sister Gurl and a host of others were blowing up my phone to relate their shock, horror and dismay. Some thought it was flat out a conspiracy against the Aussie’s. But me, I blame the curse of the firsts. You see, Michael Johns had two problems this week – (i) He sang first and (ii) He didn’t stand out. Sure he was good, but they all were (except of course for that babbling, blathering Brooke that some how manages to cry her way to safety each and every damn week). The problem was that he wasn’t great and, if you are going to sing first, then you’d damn well better be great! Maybe we’ll be lucky and see him on Broadway in a year or two. Cheers mate!


Pleasant

April 8, 2008

I’m struggling y’all! Seriously! Tonight was all about inspiration and yet, I am underwhelmed and almost totally uninspired. It could be because I’ve eaten myself into some kind of diabetic coma. I told the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, that perhaps I should shove something long and hard down my throat in an effort to rid myself of the bile I feel building up. I won’t tell you what the good Farmacist suggested, but I will say that I told the good Farmacist exactly what could be done with that suggestion. Bet that’ll be the last time the good Farmacist, who’s still skating on thin ice following the recent newsworthy legality questions which have cost me every last penny I’ve made blogging on this damn show, makes that suggestion again!

But really, we aren’t here to talk about Dr. P. Haze or even our adorable, and ever growing, little progeny who apparently wasn’t feeling so inspirational tonight and trooped off to bed without shouting any of his normal encouragement to his favorites. Now, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, the little guy is still a bit miffed that pint-sized, power-house, Ramiele has left the proverbial building. He loved that little bitty thing and has some hard feelings when it comes to America and their (in his mind), lack of musical sensibilities. Again I’ve digressed.

Well, to be honest, I’m just not inspired. Not even a little! I feel like Randy acted all night. Just like some fool had done danced a jig on my grave. Speaking of fools, can someone please just shut Paula the hell up? Please? Maybe the next time she goes in to visit the good Dr. who pumps her lips full of Hollywood’s finest grade engine oil, they can pump her just a little too full making it impossible for her to even attempt to utter her completely inane and insane ramblings. I mean, not that I was really in agreement with Randy, but damn, Paula was a mess. Must of been the oil leaking out those lips…good gawd!

But like Randy said, the one time I agreed with him, we are here to discuss music. So, before I get all side-tracked and confused, let’s chat about those lovable frauds we are calling contestants.

We already knew what Michael was going to sing…as we did with all the contestants. I’ve nothing more to say. He wasn’t bad! I rather liked him. He was first and that is SO often a curse. Was anyone worse than him? Sure! Sayesha was worse! Maybe not her vocals but because for the second week in a row, she attempted a powerhouse song from a powerhouse performer. Unfortunately for her, she just ain’t got the chops to pull off a Fantasia number. She’s in trouble!

Which brings me to someone who should absolutely not be in trouble – Jason Castro. Whew Lawd! Were I really the genteel lady from the South my ancestors have prided themselves to be, I might actually have been overcome with the vapors. You know, I rather crudely suggested that Castro might be a friend of Dorothy (if you don’t know, don’t bother) because he sang a song straight out of the San Francisco gay men’s chorus’ playbook. By golly though, that hot little piece of Columbian coca came out stroking a ukalele? A what? Well, let me just get real personal right here…I’ve done watched this performance like 6 times. ’nuff said!!

Except enough is never enough, so apparently I need to talk about the other little frauds who trotted out their bits and pieces and made an effort to inspire. Ms Cook…what can I say. Well, I’ll tell ya…she should be given a reprieve from the bottom 3…just for this week! She was good…not great…but good! The other Cook in the competion though was not so great! Simon was dead on…pompous! Left me cold!!

Another performance that left me cold was Carly Smithson. Could she be making her second appearance in the bottom three? Methinks so! Which brings me to elfin boy David. Simon was right, brilliant choice of song! I absolutely love Robbie Williams and wish his stuff was more popular this side of the pond. Perhaps the best pop song out there. Elfin boy, the good Farmacist’s love not withstanding, did not do it justice. Nothing to see here ya’ll, nothing to see.

Now ya’ll, I’d seriously like to be in bed right at this moment. Except that I’m not! I’m here trying to give all you loveable devotee’s something to think about as you do your voting. Let me just say it right here…vote that damn Brooke White and her fake ass tears (after every bad performance) right off the stage. That blond bubble-headed bimbette needs to take her pompom’s, pack up her fine ass huzband, and hightail it back to the desert where she overflowed from. You’ve got a friend my ass! Once again she pulled out the fake crocodile tears as soon as the judges were the teenceeweenceest negative. That lower lip. That cocked head. That insufferable, goody-two-shoes, act makes me want to vomit. I can’t stand her! Oh lord stop me now before I have a full on coronary! Be. Gone. “Pleasant walk in the park” my aunt fanny!

Now vote dammit and get it right…send peroxided and weaved out babbling Brooke right on home! I approved this message!


Friend of Dorothy?

April 8, 2008

Those gossipy gays guys and gals over at Harvey’s pad have once again been caught with their water glass held up to the studio walls over at Idol and have come up with the song list for tonight’s big show. Here’s the list (I’m not certain if it’s in order of appearance or not) –

Sayesha Mercado – I Believe (Fantasia)
David Cook – Innocent (Our Lady Peace)
Carly Smithson – The Show Must Go On (Queen)
Brooke White – You’ve Got a Friend (James Taylor)
Jason Castro – Over the Rainbow (Judy Garland)
Michael Johns – Dream On (Aerosmith)
Kristy Lee Cook – Anyway (Martina McBride)
David Archuleta – Angels (Robbie Williams)

Yeah, you read that right, dream boy with the dreads is singing Judy Garland’s Over the Rainbow because it “inspires” him. Judy Garland herself is the patron saint of the gays and let’s get real, this song is flat owned owned by the gays. If you are a gay and haven’t bowed at the feet of Ms. Garland, as well as taken ownership of this song, then you might as well send in your Gay Card to the big faerie in the Ozone.

Which leads me to wonder something profound – Is Jason Castro a friend of Dorothy? And if he is, is my little fantasy really that far-fetched?


Ding Dang Y’all!

April 1, 2008

Be still my quiverin heart! There she was in all her glory – that big booosomed, bewigged temptress Miss Dolly Parton herself! Memories flooded back of mom ‘n pop loadin sister gurl and me into our big ole’ Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser wagon, the maroon one with wood panelin, and drivin through the smoky mountains of sister gurl’s birth to visit heaven on earth – DOLLYWOOD!! Yee Haw! Ahhh the memories! And let’s just chat here for a minute about Miss Big Boooosom herself. Ya know she’s gotta be like 90 years old, but dang y’all, she don’t look a day over 45 and that booosom…woooohooo! Plastic she may be, but plastic works for little boys playin’ with rosie and her five sisters.

With the overload of memories, I seriously doubted whether I’d be able to concentrate on the music. And lawd ya’ll, we know Miss Big Boooosom is song writer extraordinaire, but we also must contend with those frauds we are callin contestants and the question for me, assuming I could get past my juvenile obsession with those boooosoms, was would they do Miss Dolly’s songs justice. Before I could get that question properly sorted out, Brooke came strollin’ out with her geetar. Let’s get real ya’ll, this blonde thing from AZ is boring on so many levels. I know, I know…my mind is still in the juvenile gutter, but this gurl don’t do squat for me. And that strumming…bleck!

By the way, who pee’d in Simon’s Wheaties tonight? Lawd-a-mercy ya’ll, that man had his panties so twisted he was darn near turnin purple in the face. For once I was wishin ole’ Drunk Paula to reach over and provide a little lap relief. Alas, she appeared realitively sober tonight which left Mr. Nasty Pants verbally assaulting all of those precious little frauds. I wished for my dear sweet saintly grandmother to make her way off the smoky mountain retreat and stick a cake of lye soap in that man’s mouth. The chirren don’t need no more abuse than they get on the regular and man was ole’ Nasty Pants full of it.

Well, that’s not to say that some of it wasn’t deserved. I’ve already mentioned little miss goody two shoes and that mangling of Joleen. Poor little Ramiele…she’s just out classed, out sung and plum outdone. Send her packin. And lawd, ya’ll know I love me some Jason Castro, but he surely sounded the same this week as he did last. Lawd knows I’d strip nekkid and let that dread-head strum me all over like he did that geetar tonight, but ya’ll know I gott be honest (because I always am), he just bored me a little bit. And there ya have it…my bottom three.

I forgot to mention that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze has spent the past several days attempting to atone for the sin of tangling with Johnny Law. As such, I came home to an amazing dinner and a lovely bottle of a fruity white wine. Kiddies, I’m just a little tanked and not particularly upset with the good Dr. any longer. That being said, and the good Dr.’s love for elfin-boy not withstanding, I am sick to death of little David Archuleta. Randy declared him back and I just declared war. That child has a lovely voice but his daddy’s got him by the balls and is runnin him around ragged makin him live out the life daddy wishes were his. Seriously ya’ll, daddy is screwin things up! If you don’t believe me, just head over to Harvey’s pad and play a little catch up. I know there’s a cute little pre-pubescent little girl out there somewhere who is just dyin for him to croon to her, but the rest of us grown folks are all throwin up just a little in our mouths.

Well ya’ll, I’m gonna wrap this up and head to bed to bask in memories of smoky mountains, big booosoms and Rosie’s regular night-time visits. I’d be stoopid though if I didn’t tell you that I absolutely adored Mr./Miss. Cook tonight. Ole lush herself, DC Vodkalips, rang to chat about Mr. Cook’s haircut…loved it! I’m pretty sure though that that night belonged to Michael Johns. Yee Haw ya’ll!!!

UPDATE – 04/02/08

You’re outta here –

Pint-sized powerhouse Ramiele Malubay who seems to have lost her voice since her soul-mate and sister Danny Noriega left the show.  Poor thing, cried buckets and buckets last night, soaking Simon’s favorite shirt.


A night to forget!

March 18, 2008

With a wee bit of sun still floating in the sky and our child straight up gone for the week, the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, and I hightailed it down the hill to Tantra for a little dindin before settling in for what was billed as another exciting Beatles night over at AI. The ambiance was perfection as was the food (good gawd I love me some coconut shrimp curry). The wine wasn’t too bad either – least I think so – it’s hard to tell after polishing off a bottle and then swiping a bottle from another table that looked like it had a drop or two still in it. Weaving our way back home, we sank into our rather deevine down-stuffed sofa to breath in the colors of Idol (errrr…I think Drunk Paula may have taken over my body at this moment).

Our good friend Ms. Vodkalips called and expressed some concern as to my mental state. Seattle’s own, Chindiana, also rang but frankly, it was taking everything I had to hang on to my last thread of sobriety and so I, well truth be told, I hit the ignore button. And then the show started…

Errrrr, I think it did anyway. Maybe it was the food. Maybe it was the web of fog the good Dr. Haze prescribed. Maybe it was the wine. Or perhaps a combination of all of it. Whatever it was, I found myself bored and completely underwhelmed at those frauds we are calling finalists.

Eyes drooped almost immediately upon rocker chick Amanda taking the stage. I don’t know what she sang. I’m pretty sure it sucked. Ms. Country Thang with the fine ass[ets] sauntered onto the stage and well, sucked. Elfin boy and lyrically challenged heart-throb, David, actually managed to remember the words and put forth a strong performance. Is it just me, or is his shtick getting just a little bit old? Yes, it is!

I’d love to remember the rest of the line-up but I can’t. I’m afraid I dozed off. I do remember Simon saying that perhaps a Beatle redux wasn’t the best idea. Ya think?!

I wish I could pull some predictions from somewhere, but this feeble mind of mine just can’t seem to make sense of this luke-warm mess we’ve just witnessed. There aren’t words! I can’t even tell you who sucked worse. I think I’m going to collect the good Dr. Haze and hit the hay…

Nite y’all!

UPDATE 3/19/08

You’re outta here:

Amanda Overmyer – rocker chick extraordinare


Live Blogging – Top 12 Results Show

March 6, 2008

Just got off the phone with DC Vodkalips. We’ve settled into a good rythm; pounding cocktails left and right. Good grief, how else are we suppose to deal with that atrocity of a hat that Paula’s wearing. At least she’s not giving Simon a hand job…yet.

Anyway, Ryan’s has announced that he and Lionel talked this afternoon and that he loved David Cook’s performance of Hello. We’re shocked? No! David’s into the top 12. Wait…here’s a shocker…David Archuleta is IN. HOT DAMN! My dread boi made it.

In so far…

David Cook
David Archuleta
Jason Castro

Commercials are over; another cocktail in hand. Of course in my house it’s never quite that simple. My 9 year old has decided to practice soccer and is using the staircase to really pound it out which has freaked his dog the hell out and DAMN! I just spilled my cocktail!

Oh sh*t, DC Vodkalips is calling and wants to chat about what a total mess Kady Malloy is. She’s out…thank dogs-n-cats forever! According the Ms. Vodkalips, Kady’s tits look like an Irish scrubwoman’s. And with that pronouncement, she’s off for another cocktail (me too).

Joining the “in” crowd

Brooke White
Sayesha Mercado

We’re back! Cocktail refreshed! Screamed at the dog and the boy…typical…they’ve ignored me. Thank Buddha Idol loves me still. WooHoo…there really is an Allah…stipper boi’s in! So’s Michael Johns. That leaves three…oh wait, there goes Luke…cool, that means it comes down to Danny and Chikezie. Don’t know who to root for there…I mean, they both from SoCal. Thank God the Jitterbug is over…bleck!

And by the way, Ryan needs to stop tellin people to take a stool. As Ms. Vodkalips pointed out, it rather sounds like he’s suggesting they take a sh*t! Anyway…joining the fellows…

David Hernandez
Michael Johns

Doin the chicks now…Ramiele’s in! So’s Carly. Hot Damn! Amanda’s in. Oh Damn! We’re down to Asia’h and Kristy Lee. Oh great…typical Ryan…callin out a commercial. Off to refill the cocktail…

Ramiele Malubay
Carly Smithson
Amanda Overmyer

Paula’s blathering on about some somethin…what? Oh Lord…she believes in both of them…oh wow…Simon says Asia’h’s goin home…but who’s out…Asia’h is OUT…WOAH!!

Rounding out our top 12 girls

Kristy Lee Cook

I know I’m a little bit Drunk Paula right now, but damn, I’m gonna miss me some Asia’h – weird ass spelling and all. I mean hell, she managed to purrrform right after her dad died…shouldn’t that be worth somethin? I demand a recount! Oh wait…we ain’t in Florida and she ain’t Bush! So hmmmm…I’m onna miss ya girl!

Danny and Chikezie up now.  Danny cryin like a little biatch…no shocker there (just to be fair, I am too…least I ain’t on national TV).  OH MY F’ING GOSH…we sent Danny home?  And kept Chikezie…bleck!!!  I know I bagged on Danny but you know, I got kinda fond of that little flamer.  Big kisses!!  Ya did good.

So there ya have it…our top 12 includes a one namer…

Chikezie

TMTH…I’m outta here!


Top 8 Boys

March 5, 2008

Last night was hands down the best overall in terms of performance this season. In fact, I think it’s the best top 24 performance, overall, that we’ve had in the history of AI. It was just simply that good. It was also really helpful that, for the most part, the songs performed last night were hot when I was in high school. They were songs I totally LOVED then and still do. So, who did I like? Well, the following three stood out and I tried to vote for each of them. I could NOT because the lines were busy for all three…for like the full two hours.

David Hernandez – And no, not just because he use to be a stripper for a “mostly male” audience. On the contrary, in my opinion that’s just damn helpful. He’s got a great voice, and the visuals of him singing, while performing a strip tease…well, just priceless. I didn’t think his performance last night was as strong as what he did last week, but it was still right up there. Of course, on the news last night was a segment about the developing “scandal”…big woo! So he use to strip. So he tended bar shirtless in a gay club. That’s news? I can think of at least one acquaintance who did pretty much the same, went on to be in the show Survivor and has parlayed that little bit of notoriety into a gig on another show (oh, and he’s just about one of the nicest guys you’ll ever, absolutely ever, meet). Just not a big deal! Of course, some people feel that anything gay should disqualify someone from having their moment in the spotlight. I don’t have words – coherent words – for those folks.

Jason Castro – Ummmm he laid down his guitar this week and damn…gave me goosebumps for miles. I absolutely love the fact that he’s a goof ball. That he couldn’t come up with a most embarrassing moment (I mean get real, a dreadlock broke off while you were on a first date…that’s funny stuff). I love the fact that interviews just throw him. I especially love the fact that all of that totally fades when he gets in front of the mic and opens his mouth. His haunting performance last night was perhaps his best of the season. It doesn’t hurt that he’s a white boy that can pull off dreads like those, and pull em off well. Or that he’s got the cutest, dorkiest smile.

David Cook – OK, seriously this one shocks the hell out of me. I have not been a fan of this guy. I’ve had issues with his hair, with his smile. With just about everything. But I’ve also been listening over the past couple of weeks. And I haven been impressed. And then last night he blew me away and then some. The arrangement of Lionel Richie’s song was first class and his performance was, in my humble opinion, the best of this season and ranked right up there with the top 5 performances from all previous seasons. That song was a big hit for Lionel Richie (who I saw not that long ago at Koi…see Simon, you aren’t the only one that randomly runs into him) and I believe will be a big hit for DC. HUGE!

My predictions for who will go home have been hit and miss this season. Which is typical for this point. I did better last week than the first. This week I truly believe that we will see Luke Menard go home. He just doesn’t have the chops most of the other guys have…plus, I still have visuals of that whole creepy “mac-down” he put on little elfin David A. last week. Just weird.

I am having a problem with who the other guy will be. I think it should be between Danny Noriega, who drives me a little bit bonkers with his “sassyness” – I mean, I get it – and Chickezie. I think this week, Danny needed something with a little more gravitas and well, he just didn’t stand out. Sorry. Even more than Danny is Chickezie…ugh. I just don’t like him. I agree with Simon 100% that he did himself no favors with his song selection this week.

So, if it were up to me, my top 6 guys would be…

David Archuleta
Jason Castro
David Cook
David Hernandez
Michael Johns
Danny Noriega*

By the way, they are listed in alpha order not in the particular order I think they should be ranked (except for Danny Noriega). Little elfin David Archuleta, I think, could quickly grow tiring. He’s almost robotic in his perfection. I’m not particularly sure he’ll be in the top 2 but he’ll certainly be in the top 4.