Karaoke Night!

April 15, 2008

I mean seriously, you can’t have a bunch of star wannabes singing Miss Mariah herself and not ring the karaoke bell about 100 times. That’s not to say that these lovable frauds didn’t do a great job, but, with the exception of two, it was just straight up karaoke night over on the big Idol stage. I do need to comment just for a moment on the sexilicious Miss Thing – since the first day I heard her break glass with that voice, something like 15 years ago (maybe more), I have been in love with her Sexiness! Through her trials and triumphs, highs and lows, fat years and skinny, I’ve loved her! And by golly she never disappoints! I only wished to be one of those star-f’rs we’re calling contestants this season! It’s Mariah ya’ll!! Tonight I’m rating our lovable frauds with A (worst) to AAAAA (best).

Eflin boy David Archuleta opened the show with “When you Believe” and we quickly learned that he suffers from such a bad case of nerves that often on performance day he can’t eat. Well, get real, if I had his dad standing over me demanding perfection I wouldn’t be able to eat either. I mean, his dad is the kind that is happy only when his son does a great job and the rest of the time is a total ass! Don’t ask me where I get my info, but suffice it to say I feel for the little guy. I also can’t stand him! I don’t care if he can sing the phone book to perfection, it’s still the damn phone book! But, there’s a lot of little girls out there who see something in him they want (but probably can never have) and so they pick up their pink sparkled and bedazzeled phones and dial like crazy. AAA.5

Tattooed chick Carly gave us her version of “Without You” and rang no bells…again. What’s her deal. She’s a fabu singer but just can’t pull it together. Someone who could pull it together for me is her husband. Maybe it’s the rebel in me, but all those tatt’s on his face got me a little hot last night. WAY out of character for me. Thankfully the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze was already passed out and thus failed to notice my blushing cheeks. AA.5

Sometimes I like Sayesha and sometimes I don’t. Singing “Vanishing” was a smart move on her part and, when she was restrained she was quite amazing to listen to. There were sometimes where it got just a little bit shouty and unfortunately those moments stayed with me much longer than the good moments (which, in fairness were the rule throughout this performance…but still). AAA

Babbling Brooke didn’t have many options. I mean, get real, she can’t sing in the first place and then, to be asked to sing Miss Mariah…ha! So, she sang “Hero” and made it her own. She stank to high heaven! I’ve nothing more to say about her other than she needs to “hit the road jack and don’t ya come back no more, no more!” She’s like Sanjaya from last season…way outlasting her usefulness! A

Our country girl proved once again that she ain’t no dumb blond that just rode in from the farm on a turnip truck. Singing a song that only the most diehard among us knows, “Forever”, in her country, whiny, shiny voice wasn’t all bad. I mean, it was karaoke for sure…but heck, I’m gonna have to give her a whole extra point because she smartly saw her limitations and then chose “wisely!” AAA

Ok ya’ll, I’ve really got to hurry! Still must tuck our little progeny into bed, do my best to rouse the good Farmacist from his self-induced haze, then stubble up to bed and pass out. And I’d like to do it before the 10p news. Will it happen? Probably not…but I’m workin on it! Anyway, karaoke night was pretty good for the top 5. With the exception of that babbling Brooke, the all did Miss Mariah right proud. But it’s the last two that simply blew me away…

David Cook is a god! I love him! I would have his babies (assuming we could get biology to cooperate). Seriously! I mean damn, did you see Randy give his first standing O of the season. That’s huge!! And then he showed his sensitive side by leaking a little water from his eye sockets. How damn clever! I’m sure it was because the judges were just so effervescent in their praise and not because his brother, dying from brain cancer, was in the audience. I bow before the greatness that is David Cook! AAAAA

Which brings me to our final guy dread boy Jason! Damn, Damn, Damn! That version of “I Don’t Wanna Cry” could be playing in my car right now if I could just get it off of iTunes and onto my iPod! So what if Randy didn’t get it – Paula did (ok, big woo). The bigger surprise was the Simon LOVED it! Be still my beating heart! AAAA.5

I must once again ask for you guys to do the right thing and send that babbling, nonsensical Brooke floating right on home to AZ…PLEASE!!!!

UPDATE – 4/16/08

You’re outta here

To quote that great American Bernie Mac, “America, that ain’t right!”  Offering us hope that the babbling Brooke might actually go home then changing it up at the last minute and sending the better, albeit only slightly better, singer, Miss Kristy Lee Cook home.  That feisty country gurl from the backwoods of Oreegone is with us no more.  “That ain’t right America! It just ain’t right!”

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Pleasant

April 8, 2008

I’m struggling y’all! Seriously! Tonight was all about inspiration and yet, I am underwhelmed and almost totally uninspired. It could be because I’ve eaten myself into some kind of diabetic coma. I told the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, that perhaps I should shove something long and hard down my throat in an effort to rid myself of the bile I feel building up. I won’t tell you what the good Farmacist suggested, but I will say that I told the good Farmacist exactly what could be done with that suggestion. Bet that’ll be the last time the good Farmacist, who’s still skating on thin ice following the recent newsworthy legality questions which have cost me every last penny I’ve made blogging on this damn show, makes that suggestion again!

But really, we aren’t here to talk about Dr. P. Haze or even our adorable, and ever growing, little progeny who apparently wasn’t feeling so inspirational tonight and trooped off to bed without shouting any of his normal encouragement to his favorites. Now, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, the little guy is still a bit miffed that pint-sized, power-house, Ramiele has left the proverbial building. He loved that little bitty thing and has some hard feelings when it comes to America and their (in his mind), lack of musical sensibilities. Again I’ve digressed.

Well, to be honest, I’m just not inspired. Not even a little! I feel like Randy acted all night. Just like some fool had done danced a jig on my grave. Speaking of fools, can someone please just shut Paula the hell up? Please? Maybe the next time she goes in to visit the good Dr. who pumps her lips full of Hollywood’s finest grade engine oil, they can pump her just a little too full making it impossible for her to even attempt to utter her completely inane and insane ramblings. I mean, not that I was really in agreement with Randy, but damn, Paula was a mess. Must of been the oil leaking out those lips…good gawd!

But like Randy said, the one time I agreed with him, we are here to discuss music. So, before I get all side-tracked and confused, let’s chat about those lovable frauds we are calling contestants.

We already knew what Michael was going to sing…as we did with all the contestants. I’ve nothing more to say. He wasn’t bad! I rather liked him. He was first and that is SO often a curse. Was anyone worse than him? Sure! Sayesha was worse! Maybe not her vocals but because for the second week in a row, she attempted a powerhouse song from a powerhouse performer. Unfortunately for her, she just ain’t got the chops to pull off a Fantasia number. She’s in trouble!

Which brings me to someone who should absolutely not be in trouble – Jason Castro. Whew Lawd! Were I really the genteel lady from the South my ancestors have prided themselves to be, I might actually have been overcome with the vapors. You know, I rather crudely suggested that Castro might be a friend of Dorothy (if you don’t know, don’t bother) because he sang a song straight out of the San Francisco gay men’s chorus’ playbook. By golly though, that hot little piece of Columbian coca came out stroking a ukalele? A what? Well, let me just get real personal right here…I’ve done watched this performance like 6 times. ’nuff said!!

Except enough is never enough, so apparently I need to talk about the other little frauds who trotted out their bits and pieces and made an effort to inspire. Ms Cook…what can I say. Well, I’ll tell ya…she should be given a reprieve from the bottom 3…just for this week! She was good…not great…but good! The other Cook in the competion though was not so great! Simon was dead on…pompous! Left me cold!!

Another performance that left me cold was Carly Smithson. Could she be making her second appearance in the bottom three? Methinks so! Which brings me to elfin boy David. Simon was right, brilliant choice of song! I absolutely love Robbie Williams and wish his stuff was more popular this side of the pond. Perhaps the best pop song out there. Elfin boy, the good Farmacist’s love not withstanding, did not do it justice. Nothing to see here ya’ll, nothing to see.

Now ya’ll, I’d seriously like to be in bed right at this moment. Except that I’m not! I’m here trying to give all you loveable devotee’s something to think about as you do your voting. Let me just say it right here…vote that damn Brooke White and her fake ass tears (after every bad performance) right off the stage. That blond bubble-headed bimbette needs to take her pompom’s, pack up her fine ass huzband, and hightail it back to the desert where she overflowed from. You’ve got a friend my ass! Once again she pulled out the fake crocodile tears as soon as the judges were the teenceeweenceest negative. That lower lip. That cocked head. That insufferable, goody-two-shoes, act makes me want to vomit. I can’t stand her! Oh lord stop me now before I have a full on coronary! Be. Gone. “Pleasant walk in the park” my aunt fanny!

Now vote dammit and get it right…send peroxided and weaved out babbling Brooke right on home! I approved this message!


Friend of Dorothy?

April 8, 2008

Those gossipy gays guys and gals over at Harvey’s pad have once again been caught with their water glass held up to the studio walls over at Idol and have come up with the song list for tonight’s big show. Here’s the list (I’m not certain if it’s in order of appearance or not) –

Sayesha Mercado – I Believe (Fantasia)
David Cook – Innocent (Our Lady Peace)
Carly Smithson – The Show Must Go On (Queen)
Brooke White – You’ve Got a Friend (James Taylor)
Jason Castro – Over the Rainbow (Judy Garland)
Michael Johns – Dream On (Aerosmith)
Kristy Lee Cook – Anyway (Martina McBride)
David Archuleta – Angels (Robbie Williams)

Yeah, you read that right, dream boy with the dreads is singing Judy Garland’s Over the Rainbow because it “inspires” him. Judy Garland herself is the patron saint of the gays and let’s get real, this song is flat owned owned by the gays. If you are a gay and haven’t bowed at the feet of Ms. Garland, as well as taken ownership of this song, then you might as well send in your Gay Card to the big faerie in the Ozone.

Which leads me to wonder something profound – Is Jason Castro a friend of Dorothy? And if he is, is my little fantasy really that far-fetched?


Ding Dang Y’all!

April 1, 2008

Be still my quiverin heart! There she was in all her glory – that big booosomed, bewigged temptress Miss Dolly Parton herself! Memories flooded back of mom ‘n pop loadin sister gurl and me into our big ole’ Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser wagon, the maroon one with wood panelin, and drivin through the smoky mountains of sister gurl’s birth to visit heaven on earth – DOLLYWOOD!! Yee Haw! Ahhh the memories! And let’s just chat here for a minute about Miss Big Boooosom herself. Ya know she’s gotta be like 90 years old, but dang y’all, she don’t look a day over 45 and that booosom…woooohooo! Plastic she may be, but plastic works for little boys playin’ with rosie and her five sisters.

With the overload of memories, I seriously doubted whether I’d be able to concentrate on the music. And lawd ya’ll, we know Miss Big Boooosom is song writer extraordinaire, but we also must contend with those frauds we are callin contestants and the question for me, assuming I could get past my juvenile obsession with those boooosoms, was would they do Miss Dolly’s songs justice. Before I could get that question properly sorted out, Brooke came strollin’ out with her geetar. Let’s get real ya’ll, this blonde thing from AZ is boring on so many levels. I know, I know…my mind is still in the juvenile gutter, but this gurl don’t do squat for me. And that strumming…bleck!

By the way, who pee’d in Simon’s Wheaties tonight? Lawd-a-mercy ya’ll, that man had his panties so twisted he was darn near turnin purple in the face. For once I was wishin ole’ Drunk Paula to reach over and provide a little lap relief. Alas, she appeared realitively sober tonight which left Mr. Nasty Pants verbally assaulting all of those precious little frauds. I wished for my dear sweet saintly grandmother to make her way off the smoky mountain retreat and stick a cake of lye soap in that man’s mouth. The chirren don’t need no more abuse than they get on the regular and man was ole’ Nasty Pants full of it.

Well, that’s not to say that some of it wasn’t deserved. I’ve already mentioned little miss goody two shoes and that mangling of Joleen. Poor little Ramiele…she’s just out classed, out sung and plum outdone. Send her packin. And lawd, ya’ll know I love me some Jason Castro, but he surely sounded the same this week as he did last. Lawd knows I’d strip nekkid and let that dread-head strum me all over like he did that geetar tonight, but ya’ll know I gott be honest (because I always am), he just bored me a little bit. And there ya have it…my bottom three.

I forgot to mention that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze has spent the past several days attempting to atone for the sin of tangling with Johnny Law. As such, I came home to an amazing dinner and a lovely bottle of a fruity white wine. Kiddies, I’m just a little tanked and not particularly upset with the good Dr. any longer. That being said, and the good Dr.’s love for elfin-boy not withstanding, I am sick to death of little David Archuleta. Randy declared him back and I just declared war. That child has a lovely voice but his daddy’s got him by the balls and is runnin him around ragged makin him live out the life daddy wishes were his. Seriously ya’ll, daddy is screwin things up! If you don’t believe me, just head over to Harvey’s pad and play a little catch up. I know there’s a cute little pre-pubescent little girl out there somewhere who is just dyin for him to croon to her, but the rest of us grown folks are all throwin up just a little in our mouths.

Well ya’ll, I’m gonna wrap this up and head to bed to bask in memories of smoky mountains, big booosoms and Rosie’s regular night-time visits. I’d be stoopid though if I didn’t tell you that I absolutely adored Mr./Miss. Cook tonight. Ole lush herself, DC Vodkalips, rang to chat about Mr. Cook’s haircut…loved it! I’m pretty sure though that that night belonged to Michael Johns. Yee Haw ya’ll!!!

UPDATE – 04/02/08

You’re outta here –

Pint-sized powerhouse Ramiele Malubay who seems to have lost her voice since her soul-mate and sister Danny Noriega left the show.  Poor thing, cried buckets and buckets last night, soaking Simon’s favorite shirt.


Ballsy!

March 25, 2008

I have spent the greater part of my day trying to extricate the good Dr. P. Haze from the long arms of the law and have arrived home just in time to plunk my tired ass down in front of the boob tube and hear Ryan say “thiiiis iiiis American Idol!” Now kiddies, I’m jus’ plum tuckered out and I ain’t got it in me to sit and soliloquize on and on about this hot mess that mesmerizes us week after week. I just can’t! A word of caution here kiddies, even in such a magnificently progressive state as the left leaning state in which I live, law enforcement takes a rather dim view of those who specialize in the treatment of sick folks (real or imagined) with herbal remedies. They don’t like it one bit. But, we aren’t here to talk about the legality of rendering services to heal the sick (real or imagined). We’re here to talk about the top 10 finalists.

Having watched the show front to back, start to finish, with the good Dr. by my side (and awake…a true miracle), I must say that we’ve got a good crop this year. Being as I was too tired to find the liquor cabinet, I’m saying that sober as a judge. Damn good bunch of kiddies that don’t need the good Dr.’s services to settle their frazzled nerves. They’re workin it out!

I can’t say I was too thrilled by little Ramiele’s version of one of my favorite songs from the high school days. But it wasn’t a total mess. I absolutely adored my boy Jason’s rendition of Fragile. Sayesha didn’t stand out, but didn’t suck. The same could be said for just about all of those loud-mouth attention seekers we’re calling contestants this year.

Well, almost all – I absolutely wanted to heave when Chikezie sang. Bleck!!! Elfin-boy, David Archuleta sang a song I use to love back in the day (geebus I’m getting old) and he did a right nice job (even if his daddy chose the song for him). The good Dr. just loves little David to death and, given my frame of mind regarding the good Dr. at the moment, I’d rather like to see little elfin-boy sent packin right now…but alas, the world just doesn’t revolve around me. Truth be told though, I’m rather fond of the good Dr. so perhaps, just perhaps, we’ll let little David stay around for one more week.

Like I said, I’m really not in any mood to sit here and whack out a rehashing of what we’ve all just witnessed. Just can’t…not in me. But before I toddle off to beddy-bye, I do need to talk about the size of David Cook’s balls. Huge! Monstrous! The size of the watermelons growing in my dear, sweet grandmother’s garden. If I’m being honest (and you know I always am), I did not like Mr. Cook back in Hollywood days. That greasy shock of hair – that smug mug. Just. Did. Not. Like. Him. Then he twisted Lionel Ritchie’s classic “Hello” and I fell in l-o-v-e! The good Dr. loves Michael Jackson (as does our little progeny)! In fact, our little guy has a HUGE poster of The White Lady (as my dear friend Mama over at The Real Estalker loves to call her) hanging in his room. I mean MJ has been off the scene for how long, and my little guy still wants to imitate him. That shows just how much influence MJ has over music! HUGE! But still no-where near as HUGE as the balls that Mr. David Cook is in possession of. How that man manages to fit those skin-tight jeans of his over those balls is beyond me. I mean, to take a classic like Billie Jean and rework it..balls!

The lesson for today kiddies has nothing to do with the good Dr. and herbal legality issues. The lesson today is that there is a difference between having balls and being ballsy! Mr. David Cook is one ballsy dude! When his CD comes out, it damn well better have this version of Billie Jean on it!

And with that lesson out the box, I’m off to follow the good Dr. and our progeny to bed! Sleep tight y’all! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!

Oh crap ya’ll – I forgot to mention that Mr. Cook is not the only one with some big ole’ balls! Seems the other Cook in the competition has some pretty damn big ones herself! That twangy temptress, Ms. Kristy Lee Cook has been vocally challenged since we hit the top 12. Pretty much a damn train wreck. Tonight though, she dusted off her balls, put on her big girl pants and sang Lee Greenwood’s song God Bless The USA! (she did a very presentable job). The real genius behind that was the choice of songs. Red Necks in every one of the red states, now feel like they’ve got the whole ball o’ wax with her – she’s hot and she a true patriot – Go Red. Go White. Go Blue. You go girl!! Ya did your thang!

UPDATE – 3/26/08

You’re outta here –

That fella with the one name – Chikezie – The world breathes a collective sigh of relief!


A night to forget!

March 18, 2008

With a wee bit of sun still floating in the sky and our child straight up gone for the week, the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, and I hightailed it down the hill to Tantra for a little dindin before settling in for what was billed as another exciting Beatles night over at AI. The ambiance was perfection as was the food (good gawd I love me some coconut shrimp curry). The wine wasn’t too bad either – least I think so – it’s hard to tell after polishing off a bottle and then swiping a bottle from another table that looked like it had a drop or two still in it. Weaving our way back home, we sank into our rather deevine down-stuffed sofa to breath in the colors of Idol (errrr…I think Drunk Paula may have taken over my body at this moment).

Our good friend Ms. Vodkalips called and expressed some concern as to my mental state. Seattle’s own, Chindiana, also rang but frankly, it was taking everything I had to hang on to my last thread of sobriety and so I, well truth be told, I hit the ignore button. And then the show started…

Errrrr, I think it did anyway. Maybe it was the food. Maybe it was the web of fog the good Dr. Haze prescribed. Maybe it was the wine. Or perhaps a combination of all of it. Whatever it was, I found myself bored and completely underwhelmed at those frauds we are calling finalists.

Eyes drooped almost immediately upon rocker chick Amanda taking the stage. I don’t know what she sang. I’m pretty sure it sucked. Ms. Country Thang with the fine ass[ets] sauntered onto the stage and well, sucked. Elfin boy and lyrically challenged heart-throb, David, actually managed to remember the words and put forth a strong performance. Is it just me, or is his shtick getting just a little bit old? Yes, it is!

I’d love to remember the rest of the line-up but I can’t. I’m afraid I dozed off. I do remember Simon saying that perhaps a Beatle redux wasn’t the best idea. Ya think?!

I wish I could pull some predictions from somewhere, but this feeble mind of mine just can’t seem to make sense of this luke-warm mess we’ve just witnessed. There aren’t words! I can’t even tell you who sucked worse. I think I’m going to collect the good Dr. Haze and hit the hay…

Nite y’all!

UPDATE 3/19/08

You’re outta here:

Amanda Overmyer – rocker chick extraordinare


Live Blogging – Top 12 Results Show

March 6, 2008

Just got off the phone with DC Vodkalips. We’ve settled into a good rythm; pounding cocktails left and right. Good grief, how else are we suppose to deal with that atrocity of a hat that Paula’s wearing. At least she’s not giving Simon a hand job…yet.

Anyway, Ryan’s has announced that he and Lionel talked this afternoon and that he loved David Cook’s performance of Hello. We’re shocked? No! David’s into the top 12. Wait…here’s a shocker…David Archuleta is IN. HOT DAMN! My dread boi made it.

In so far…

David Cook
David Archuleta
Jason Castro

Commercials are over; another cocktail in hand. Of course in my house it’s never quite that simple. My 9 year old has decided to practice soccer and is using the staircase to really pound it out which has freaked his dog the hell out and DAMN! I just spilled my cocktail!

Oh sh*t, DC Vodkalips is calling and wants to chat about what a total mess Kady Malloy is. She’s out…thank dogs-n-cats forever! According the Ms. Vodkalips, Kady’s tits look like an Irish scrubwoman’s. And with that pronouncement, she’s off for another cocktail (me too).

Joining the “in” crowd

Brooke White
Sayesha Mercado

We’re back! Cocktail refreshed! Screamed at the dog and the boy…typical…they’ve ignored me. Thank Buddha Idol loves me still. WooHoo…there really is an Allah…stipper boi’s in! So’s Michael Johns. That leaves three…oh wait, there goes Luke…cool, that means it comes down to Danny and Chikezie. Don’t know who to root for there…I mean, they both from SoCal. Thank God the Jitterbug is over…bleck!

And by the way, Ryan needs to stop tellin people to take a stool. As Ms. Vodkalips pointed out, it rather sounds like he’s suggesting they take a sh*t! Anyway…joining the fellows…

David Hernandez
Michael Johns

Doin the chicks now…Ramiele’s in! So’s Carly. Hot Damn! Amanda’s in. Oh Damn! We’re down to Asia’h and Kristy Lee. Oh great…typical Ryan…callin out a commercial. Off to refill the cocktail…

Ramiele Malubay
Carly Smithson
Amanda Overmyer

Paula’s blathering on about some somethin…what? Oh Lord…she believes in both of them…oh wow…Simon says Asia’h’s goin home…but who’s out…Asia’h is OUT…WOAH!!

Rounding out our top 12 girls

Kristy Lee Cook

I know I’m a little bit Drunk Paula right now, but damn, I’m gonna miss me some Asia’h – weird ass spelling and all. I mean hell, she managed to purrrform right after her dad died…shouldn’t that be worth somethin? I demand a recount! Oh wait…we ain’t in Florida and she ain’t Bush! So hmmmm…I’m onna miss ya girl!

Danny and Chikezie up now.  Danny cryin like a little biatch…no shocker there (just to be fair, I am too…least I ain’t on national TV).  OH MY F’ING GOSH…we sent Danny home?  And kept Chikezie…bleck!!!  I know I bagged on Danny but you know, I got kinda fond of that little flamer.  Big kisses!!  Ya did good.

So there ya have it…our top 12 includes a one namer…

Chikezie

TMTH…I’m outta here!