Ballsy!

March 25, 2008

I have spent the greater part of my day trying to extricate the good Dr. P. Haze from the long arms of the law and have arrived home just in time to plunk my tired ass down in front of the boob tube and hear Ryan say “thiiiis iiiis American Idol!” Now kiddies, I’m jus’ plum tuckered out and I ain’t got it in me to sit and soliloquize on and on about this hot mess that mesmerizes us week after week. I just can’t! A word of caution here kiddies, even in such a magnificently progressive state as the left leaning state in which I live, law enforcement takes a rather dim view of those who specialize in the treatment of sick folks (real or imagined) with herbal remedies. They don’t like it one bit. But, we aren’t here to talk about the legality of rendering services to heal the sick (real or imagined). We’re here to talk about the top 10 finalists.

Having watched the show front to back, start to finish, with the good Dr. by my side (and awake…a true miracle), I must say that we’ve got a good crop this year. Being as I was too tired to find the liquor cabinet, I’m saying that sober as a judge. Damn good bunch of kiddies that don’t need the good Dr.’s services to settle their frazzled nerves. They’re workin it out!

I can’t say I was too thrilled by little Ramiele’s version of one of my favorite songs from the high school days. But it wasn’t a total mess. I absolutely adored my boy Jason’s rendition of Fragile. Sayesha didn’t stand out, but didn’t suck. The same could be said for just about all of those loud-mouth attention seekers we’re calling contestants this year.

Well, almost all – I absolutely wanted to heave when Chikezie sang. Bleck!!! Elfin-boy, David Archuleta sang a song I use to love back in the day (geebus I’m getting old) and he did a right nice job (even if his daddy chose the song for him). The good Dr. just loves little David to death and, given my frame of mind regarding the good Dr. at the moment, I’d rather like to see little elfin-boy sent packin right now…but alas, the world just doesn’t revolve around me. Truth be told though, I’m rather fond of the good Dr. so perhaps, just perhaps, we’ll let little David stay around for one more week.

Like I said, I’m really not in any mood to sit here and whack out a rehashing of what we’ve all just witnessed. Just can’t…not in me. But before I toddle off to beddy-bye, I do need to talk about the size of David Cook’s balls. Huge! Monstrous! The size of the watermelons growing in my dear, sweet grandmother’s garden. If I’m being honest (and you know I always am), I did not like Mr. Cook back in Hollywood days. That greasy shock of hair – that smug mug. Just. Did. Not. Like. Him. Then he twisted Lionel Ritchie’s classic “Hello” and I fell in l-o-v-e! The good Dr. loves Michael Jackson (as does our little progeny)! In fact, our little guy has a HUGE poster of The White Lady (as my dear friend Mama over at The Real Estalker loves to call her) hanging in his room. I mean MJ has been off the scene for how long, and my little guy still wants to imitate him. That shows just how much influence MJ has over music! HUGE! But still no-where near as HUGE as the balls that Mr. David Cook is in possession of. How that man manages to fit those skin-tight jeans of his over those balls is beyond me. I mean, to take a classic like Billie Jean and rework it..balls!

The lesson for today kiddies has nothing to do with the good Dr. and herbal legality issues. The lesson today is that there is a difference between having balls and being ballsy! Mr. David Cook is one ballsy dude! When his CD comes out, it damn well better have this version of Billie Jean on it!

And with that lesson out the box, I’m off to follow the good Dr. and our progeny to bed! Sleep tight y’all! Don’t let the bed bugs bite!

Oh crap ya’ll – I forgot to mention that Mr. Cook is not the only one with some big ole’ balls! Seems the other Cook in the competition has some pretty damn big ones herself! That twangy temptress, Ms. Kristy Lee Cook has been vocally challenged since we hit the top 12. Pretty much a damn train wreck. Tonight though, she dusted off her balls, put on her big girl pants and sang Lee Greenwood’s song God Bless The USA! (she did a very presentable job). The real genius behind that was the choice of songs. Red Necks in every one of the red states, now feel like they’ve got the whole ball o’ wax with her – she’s hot and she a true patriot – Go Red. Go White. Go Blue. You go girl!! Ya did your thang!

UPDATE – 3/26/08

You’re outta here –

That fella with the one name – Chikezie – The world breathes a collective sigh of relief!

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A night to forget!

March 18, 2008

With a wee bit of sun still floating in the sky and our child straight up gone for the week, the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, and I hightailed it down the hill to Tantra for a little dindin before settling in for what was billed as another exciting Beatles night over at AI. The ambiance was perfection as was the food (good gawd I love me some coconut shrimp curry). The wine wasn’t too bad either – least I think so – it’s hard to tell after polishing off a bottle and then swiping a bottle from another table that looked like it had a drop or two still in it. Weaving our way back home, we sank into our rather deevine down-stuffed sofa to breath in the colors of Idol (errrr…I think Drunk Paula may have taken over my body at this moment).

Our good friend Ms. Vodkalips called and expressed some concern as to my mental state. Seattle’s own, Chindiana, also rang but frankly, it was taking everything I had to hang on to my last thread of sobriety and so I, well truth be told, I hit the ignore button. And then the show started…

Errrrr, I think it did anyway. Maybe it was the food. Maybe it was the web of fog the good Dr. Haze prescribed. Maybe it was the wine. Or perhaps a combination of all of it. Whatever it was, I found myself bored and completely underwhelmed at those frauds we are calling finalists.

Eyes drooped almost immediately upon rocker chick Amanda taking the stage. I don’t know what she sang. I’m pretty sure it sucked. Ms. Country Thang with the fine ass[ets] sauntered onto the stage and well, sucked. Elfin boy and lyrically challenged heart-throb, David, actually managed to remember the words and put forth a strong performance. Is it just me, or is his shtick getting just a little bit old? Yes, it is!

I’d love to remember the rest of the line-up but I can’t. I’m afraid I dozed off. I do remember Simon saying that perhaps a Beatle redux wasn’t the best idea. Ya think?!

I wish I could pull some predictions from somewhere, but this feeble mind of mine just can’t seem to make sense of this luke-warm mess we’ve just witnessed. There aren’t words! I can’t even tell you who sucked worse. I think I’m going to collect the good Dr. Haze and hit the hay…

Nite y’all!

UPDATE 3/19/08

You’re outta here:

Amanda Overmyer – rocker chick extraordinare


Live Blogging – Top 12 Results Show

March 6, 2008

Just got off the phone with DC Vodkalips. We’ve settled into a good rythm; pounding cocktails left and right. Good grief, how else are we suppose to deal with that atrocity of a hat that Paula’s wearing. At least she’s not giving Simon a hand job…yet.

Anyway, Ryan’s has announced that he and Lionel talked this afternoon and that he loved David Cook’s performance of Hello. We’re shocked? No! David’s into the top 12. Wait…here’s a shocker…David Archuleta is IN. HOT DAMN! My dread boi made it.

In so far…

David Cook
David Archuleta
Jason Castro

Commercials are over; another cocktail in hand. Of course in my house it’s never quite that simple. My 9 year old has decided to practice soccer and is using the staircase to really pound it out which has freaked his dog the hell out and DAMN! I just spilled my cocktail!

Oh sh*t, DC Vodkalips is calling and wants to chat about what a total mess Kady Malloy is. She’s out…thank dogs-n-cats forever! According the Ms. Vodkalips, Kady’s tits look like an Irish scrubwoman’s. And with that pronouncement, she’s off for another cocktail (me too).

Joining the “in” crowd

Brooke White
Sayesha Mercado

We’re back! Cocktail refreshed! Screamed at the dog and the boy…typical…they’ve ignored me. Thank Buddha Idol loves me still. WooHoo…there really is an Allah…stipper boi’s in! So’s Michael Johns. That leaves three…oh wait, there goes Luke…cool, that means it comes down to Danny and Chikezie. Don’t know who to root for there…I mean, they both from SoCal. Thank God the Jitterbug is over…bleck!

And by the way, Ryan needs to stop tellin people to take a stool. As Ms. Vodkalips pointed out, it rather sounds like he’s suggesting they take a sh*t! Anyway…joining the fellows…

David Hernandez
Michael Johns

Doin the chicks now…Ramiele’s in! So’s Carly. Hot Damn! Amanda’s in. Oh Damn! We’re down to Asia’h and Kristy Lee. Oh great…typical Ryan…callin out a commercial. Off to refill the cocktail…

Ramiele Malubay
Carly Smithson
Amanda Overmyer

Paula’s blathering on about some somethin…what? Oh Lord…she believes in both of them…oh wow…Simon says Asia’h’s goin home…but who’s out…Asia’h is OUT…WOAH!!

Rounding out our top 12 girls

Kristy Lee Cook

I know I’m a little bit Drunk Paula right now, but damn, I’m gonna miss me some Asia’h – weird ass spelling and all. I mean hell, she managed to purrrform right after her dad died…shouldn’t that be worth somethin? I demand a recount! Oh wait…we ain’t in Florida and she ain’t Bush! So hmmmm…I’m onna miss ya girl!

Danny and Chikezie up now.  Danny cryin like a little biatch…no shocker there (just to be fair, I am too…least I ain’t on national TV).  OH MY F’ING GOSH…we sent Danny home?  And kept Chikezie…bleck!!!  I know I bagged on Danny but you know, I got kinda fond of that little flamer.  Big kisses!!  Ya did good.

So there ya have it…our top 12 includes a one namer…

Chikezie

TMTH…I’m outta here!


Top 8 Boys

March 5, 2008

Last night was hands down the best overall in terms of performance this season. In fact, I think it’s the best top 24 performance, overall, that we’ve had in the history of AI. It was just simply that good. It was also really helpful that, for the most part, the songs performed last night were hot when I was in high school. They were songs I totally LOVED then and still do. So, who did I like? Well, the following three stood out and I tried to vote for each of them. I could NOT because the lines were busy for all three…for like the full two hours.

David Hernandez – And no, not just because he use to be a stripper for a “mostly male” audience. On the contrary, in my opinion that’s just damn helpful. He’s got a great voice, and the visuals of him singing, while performing a strip tease…well, just priceless. I didn’t think his performance last night was as strong as what he did last week, but it was still right up there. Of course, on the news last night was a segment about the developing “scandal”…big woo! So he use to strip. So he tended bar shirtless in a gay club. That’s news? I can think of at least one acquaintance who did pretty much the same, went on to be in the show Survivor and has parlayed that little bit of notoriety into a gig on another show (oh, and he’s just about one of the nicest guys you’ll ever, absolutely ever, meet). Just not a big deal! Of course, some people feel that anything gay should disqualify someone from having their moment in the spotlight. I don’t have words – coherent words – for those folks.

Jason Castro – Ummmm he laid down his guitar this week and damn…gave me goosebumps for miles. I absolutely love the fact that he’s a goof ball. That he couldn’t come up with a most embarrassing moment (I mean get real, a dreadlock broke off while you were on a first date…that’s funny stuff). I love the fact that interviews just throw him. I especially love the fact that all of that totally fades when he gets in front of the mic and opens his mouth. His haunting performance last night was perhaps his best of the season. It doesn’t hurt that he’s a white boy that can pull off dreads like those, and pull em off well. Or that he’s got the cutest, dorkiest smile.

David Cook – OK, seriously this one shocks the hell out of me. I have not been a fan of this guy. I’ve had issues with his hair, with his smile. With just about everything. But I’ve also been listening over the past couple of weeks. And I haven been impressed. And then last night he blew me away and then some. The arrangement of Lionel Richie’s song was first class and his performance was, in my humble opinion, the best of this season and ranked right up there with the top 5 performances from all previous seasons. That song was a big hit for Lionel Richie (who I saw not that long ago at Koi…see Simon, you aren’t the only one that randomly runs into him) and I believe will be a big hit for DC. HUGE!

My predictions for who will go home have been hit and miss this season. Which is typical for this point. I did better last week than the first. This week I truly believe that we will see Luke Menard go home. He just doesn’t have the chops most of the other guys have…plus, I still have visuals of that whole creepy “mac-down” he put on little elfin David A. last week. Just weird.

I am having a problem with who the other guy will be. I think it should be between Danny Noriega, who drives me a little bit bonkers with his “sassyness” – I mean, I get it – and Chickezie. I think this week, Danny needed something with a little more gravitas and well, he just didn’t stand out. Sorry. Even more than Danny is Chickezie…ugh. I just don’t like him. I agree with Simon 100% that he did himself no favors with his song selection this week.

So, if it were up to me, my top 6 guys would be…

David Archuleta
Jason Castro
David Cook
David Hernandez
Michael Johns
Danny Noriega*

By the way, they are listed in alpha order not in the particular order I think they should be ranked (except for Danny Noriega). Little elfin David Archuleta, I think, could quickly grow tiring. He’s almost robotic in his perfection. I’m not particularly sure he’ll be in the top 2 but he’ll certainly be in the top 4.


Top 10 boys

February 27, 2008

What can i say, they just about ALL sucked…even my dreadlocked little guy wasn’t all that great. There were three performances (geez…just like last week), that stood out…they are…

Chikezie – good outfit, good performance. Such a damned improvement from last week that I don’t know what to say except “good job”. He’s gonna move on i think.

Hot gymnastics guy (Hernandez?) – OK…he’s hot! He admits to wearing leotards. And, he can sing! And he’s hot. Oh wait…did i say that already? who f*cking cares! He’s hot…I think I got wood.

David Archuleta – oh geezus, I suddenly realized just how f’ing old i am when little elfin David gleefully admitted that he met the Season 1 contestants and sang to them…when he was 11. WTF??? And his talking voice…too cute…let’s get real, he’s gay but damn, those little gurls just love him. I do too! Because he can blow!!!! I did wish he would have sang the first verse and I didn’t like his too perfectly crafted answer to Randy for not singing it (I only had time for one verse and verse 3 is my favorite…huh???)…but all was forgiven because damn, the boi can sing!

whose out?

Luke!
big bird (can’t think of his name sang something blue last week)

that’s it!

UPDATE 02/28/08

You’re outta here:

Alaina Whitaker
Alexandréa Lushington
Jason Yeagar
Robbie Carrico


Top 12 boys

February 20, 2008

well, it is my personal opinion that the bottom three of last night are…

the black guy in the orange suit…chickeasy or some other dumb-ass bullshit name. i didn’t watch all his performance, but frankly the part i did see was shitty. plus, and i mean no disrespect here, he’s just not pop material…at least not up to the level of most of the other guys. sorry…just not. as simon would say – “off you go!”

the guy who looks a bit like luke perry from 90210 days – you know, the one who was kind of “sharp” the entire part of his performance. the one that simon said wasn’t memorable. simon’s right…only memorable in that it wasn’t.

my third guy actually sang all right BUT he sang “moon river”…i believe that’s a perry como song. or maybe not. that guy’s got chops and can sing but the song made me think old gay man [calling himself a boi] cruise director. i mean, work the cruise ship angle if you want but it won’t win you this competition. poor song selection.

so…wanna know who i liked?

let’s just say that all the young boys will have no problem making it through because all the little gurls who actually vote won’t let david, danny or the other long (and big) haired blond kid leave the competition. danny, it was noted last night, is just annoyingly arrogant and well, annoying. which makes me think…what’s the deal with stacking the top 12 with so many gay bois. or is my gaydar just off?

who i really liked though was jason with his dreads and geetar. he was simple, and beautiful and smiled like “damn!” and f***, i wanted to go home with him and have him purrrrr in my ear while strumming my geeetar you feel? whooooo. but i digress. point is…i really liked him. thought he was the most “authentic” and “relevant” of the performers last night. didn’t hurt that he was shy as a country boy. too cute!!

them’s my thoughts…u got any u wanna share?

UPDATE – 2/21/08

You’re  outta here:

Amy Davis
Joanne Borgella
Colton Berry
Garrett Haley