No we mustn’t!

April 22, 2008

I don’t have much time! Why? I was motivated, shortly before dinner, to make lemon butter bars. They were luscious! Unfortunately! I ended up eating half the pan! Which means I’m on a sugar high and will crash soon! I am also attempting to dial in for my favorite fraud of the night while watching Hell’s Kitchen. It’s too much, really!

But really, none of you kids care about how off-balance I am at the moment. What you’d like to know is who I thought was unbalanced during the performances earlier this evening. Let me put it this way…I didn’t like two performances. I sorta liked two performances. I adored two performances.

Sir Andrew joined this evening as the “mentor” and my word, what a fellow he turned out to be. He appeared as uncomfortable with the idea as were the lovable frauds who are this year’s contestants seem to be with the whole idea of “Broadway” night. In fact, it seemed to me that he was snarky with just about every damn one of them – although in true form, he made it sound very dignified.

I too have several things to say about each of the performances. Unlike Sir Andrew, they will not be dignified or proper. They will however be true, because, as you kids know, I always do my best to present the facts as we know them completely unvarnished.

That babbling Brooke provided another wonderful excuse for us to vote her off. Again, she forgot the lyrics…and asked for a redo. Again? But she just said it was her first time for this to happen. Hmmmmm…well, I remembered otherwise and said so. And then one of Harvey’s gays guys provided excellent support to my sometimes failing memory. Listen America, if you can’t gather your balls together in a fashion that somehow resembles something adult-like and vote this fake, crying-ass bimbette off, then I’m gonna literally implode. Geebis!! “You must love me” my ass!

And speaking of adult-like, my boy Jason Castro made a disastrous decision to sing “Memories” from the show Cats. What? Let’s skip everything that would be obvious about why this was not a good song for him and get right to the heart of it – weed! Yes, I said it. There should be a warning label on the sides of the prescription bottles that the good Farmacist hands out to his patients that says something to the effect that decision making skills may be somewhat impaired when under the influence. I mean get real, how else do you explain this song choice? I can’t! I won’t! He sucked!

Elfin boy David was pleasant! Nothing more to say! Sayesha brought the house down, but has rather religiously been in the bottom three and had seriously unfortunate positioning tonight what with being stuck in the number one time slot. Will the curse continue? Who knows! Perhaps so though because in the end, like David, it was pleasant and…forgettable!

Perhaps it was the sugar, but I liked tatted rocker chick Carly tonight…alot! I think Sir Andrew landed square on her problem when he highlighted her incredibly poor song selection. Thankfully she actually listened to his suggestion and went with “Jesus Christ Superstar”…yeah!! She looked good! She sounded good! And hell, Simon “loved” her (this week)! On a side note, once again I felt myself getting hot flashes when the camera panned her overly tatted huzband – be still my beating heart!

The best performance of the night, hands down, was [of course] David Cook. When did this boy become such a god? I mean, damn, he’s from Blue Springs Missouri (or misery, depending on who you ask), rocks in a local dive and has done…musical theater…WTF? Well damn, it showed! Love him, mean it! Yee Haw!

Ok kids, the damn sugar has worn off and I’m crashing rather quicker than I care to admit to myself. Will be lucky if I make it to that warm cloud of a bed I share with the good Farmacist. Shutting out lights…must.find.bed!

UPDATE –  4/23/08

You’re outta here –

Frankly, I don’t know what to say.  The last several weeks have seen one shocking turn after another.  I mean, we send Michael Johns home and then we send Carly Smithson home.  WTF?!?!  Seriously, I don’t mean to be rude, but somebody needs to quit voting because somebody tears up or they feel bad because somebody screwed the song up.  Hell, y’all know I love me some Jason Castro, and would let him strum me like his geetar all day long, but he shoulda gone before ole Irish Eyes.  Frankly, Sayesha and Carly had one of their best nights EVAH and were in the bottom two.  Jason, whom I love more than my luggage, and that babbling Brooke should have been in the bottom two.  I don’t know what lap that bobble-headed Brooke has been bouncing in, but apparently it’s paying off.  And, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, I’m just a little bit PISSED OFF!


Karaoke Night!

April 15, 2008

I mean seriously, you can’t have a bunch of star wannabes singing Miss Mariah herself and not ring the karaoke bell about 100 times. That’s not to say that these lovable frauds didn’t do a great job, but, with the exception of two, it was just straight up karaoke night over on the big Idol stage. I do need to comment just for a moment on the sexilicious Miss Thing – since the first day I heard her break glass with that voice, something like 15 years ago (maybe more), I have been in love with her Sexiness! Through her trials and triumphs, highs and lows, fat years and skinny, I’ve loved her! And by golly she never disappoints! I only wished to be one of those star-f’rs we’re calling contestants this season! It’s Mariah ya’ll!! Tonight I’m rating our lovable frauds with A (worst) to AAAAA (best).

Eflin boy David Archuleta opened the show with “When you Believe” and we quickly learned that he suffers from such a bad case of nerves that often on performance day he can’t eat. Well, get real, if I had his dad standing over me demanding perfection I wouldn’t be able to eat either. I mean, his dad is the kind that is happy only when his son does a great job and the rest of the time is a total ass! Don’t ask me where I get my info, but suffice it to say I feel for the little guy. I also can’t stand him! I don’t care if he can sing the phone book to perfection, it’s still the damn phone book! But, there’s a lot of little girls out there who see something in him they want (but probably can never have) and so they pick up their pink sparkled and bedazzeled phones and dial like crazy. AAA.5

Tattooed chick Carly gave us her version of “Without You” and rang no bells…again. What’s her deal. She’s a fabu singer but just can’t pull it together. Someone who could pull it together for me is her husband. Maybe it’s the rebel in me, but all those tatt’s on his face got me a little hot last night. WAY out of character for me. Thankfully the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze was already passed out and thus failed to notice my blushing cheeks. AA.5

Sometimes I like Sayesha and sometimes I don’t. Singing “Vanishing” was a smart move on her part and, when she was restrained she was quite amazing to listen to. There were sometimes where it got just a little bit shouty and unfortunately those moments stayed with me much longer than the good moments (which, in fairness were the rule throughout this performance…but still). AAA

Babbling Brooke didn’t have many options. I mean, get real, she can’t sing in the first place and then, to be asked to sing Miss Mariah…ha! So, she sang “Hero” and made it her own. She stank to high heaven! I’ve nothing more to say about her other than she needs to “hit the road jack and don’t ya come back no more, no more!” She’s like Sanjaya from last season…way outlasting her usefulness! A

Our country girl proved once again that she ain’t no dumb blond that just rode in from the farm on a turnip truck. Singing a song that only the most diehard among us knows, “Forever”, in her country, whiny, shiny voice wasn’t all bad. I mean, it was karaoke for sure…but heck, I’m gonna have to give her a whole extra point because she smartly saw her limitations and then chose “wisely!” AAA

Ok ya’ll, I’ve really got to hurry! Still must tuck our little progeny into bed, do my best to rouse the good Farmacist from his self-induced haze, then stubble up to bed and pass out. And I’d like to do it before the 10p news. Will it happen? Probably not…but I’m workin on it! Anyway, karaoke night was pretty good for the top 5. With the exception of that babbling Brooke, the all did Miss Mariah right proud. But it’s the last two that simply blew me away…

David Cook is a god! I love him! I would have his babies (assuming we could get biology to cooperate). Seriously! I mean damn, did you see Randy give his first standing O of the season. That’s huge!! And then he showed his sensitive side by leaking a little water from his eye sockets. How damn clever! I’m sure it was because the judges were just so effervescent in their praise and not because his brother, dying from brain cancer, was in the audience. I bow before the greatness that is David Cook! AAAAA

Which brings me to our final guy dread boy Jason! Damn, Damn, Damn! That version of “I Don’t Wanna Cry” could be playing in my car right now if I could just get it off of iTunes and onto my iPod! So what if Randy didn’t get it – Paula did (ok, big woo). The bigger surprise was the Simon LOVED it! Be still my beating heart! AAAA.5

I must once again ask for you guys to do the right thing and send that babbling, nonsensical Brooke floating right on home to AZ…PLEASE!!!!

UPDATE – 4/16/08

You’re outta here

To quote that great American Bernie Mac, “America, that ain’t right!”  Offering us hope that the babbling Brooke might actually go home then changing it up at the last minute and sending the better, albeit only slightly better, singer, Miss Kristy Lee Cook home.  That feisty country gurl from the backwoods of Oreegone is with us no more.  “That ain’t right America! It just ain’t right!”


Pleasant

April 8, 2008

I’m struggling y’all! Seriously! Tonight was all about inspiration and yet, I am underwhelmed and almost totally uninspired. It could be because I’ve eaten myself into some kind of diabetic coma. I told the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, that perhaps I should shove something long and hard down my throat in an effort to rid myself of the bile I feel building up. I won’t tell you what the good Farmacist suggested, but I will say that I told the good Farmacist exactly what could be done with that suggestion. Bet that’ll be the last time the good Farmacist, who’s still skating on thin ice following the recent newsworthy legality questions which have cost me every last penny I’ve made blogging on this damn show, makes that suggestion again!

But really, we aren’t here to talk about Dr. P. Haze or even our adorable, and ever growing, little progeny who apparently wasn’t feeling so inspirational tonight and trooped off to bed without shouting any of his normal encouragement to his favorites. Now, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, the little guy is still a bit miffed that pint-sized, power-house, Ramiele has left the proverbial building. He loved that little bitty thing and has some hard feelings when it comes to America and their (in his mind), lack of musical sensibilities. Again I’ve digressed.

Well, to be honest, I’m just not inspired. Not even a little! I feel like Randy acted all night. Just like some fool had done danced a jig on my grave. Speaking of fools, can someone please just shut Paula the hell up? Please? Maybe the next time she goes in to visit the good Dr. who pumps her lips full of Hollywood’s finest grade engine oil, they can pump her just a little too full making it impossible for her to even attempt to utter her completely inane and insane ramblings. I mean, not that I was really in agreement with Randy, but damn, Paula was a mess. Must of been the oil leaking out those lips…good gawd!

But like Randy said, the one time I agreed with him, we are here to discuss music. So, before I get all side-tracked and confused, let’s chat about those lovable frauds we are calling contestants.

We already knew what Michael was going to sing…as we did with all the contestants. I’ve nothing more to say. He wasn’t bad! I rather liked him. He was first and that is SO often a curse. Was anyone worse than him? Sure! Sayesha was worse! Maybe not her vocals but because for the second week in a row, she attempted a powerhouse song from a powerhouse performer. Unfortunately for her, she just ain’t got the chops to pull off a Fantasia number. She’s in trouble!

Which brings me to someone who should absolutely not be in trouble – Jason Castro. Whew Lawd! Were I really the genteel lady from the South my ancestors have prided themselves to be, I might actually have been overcome with the vapors. You know, I rather crudely suggested that Castro might be a friend of Dorothy (if you don’t know, don’t bother) because he sang a song straight out of the San Francisco gay men’s chorus’ playbook. By golly though, that hot little piece of Columbian coca came out stroking a ukalele? A what? Well, let me just get real personal right here…I’ve done watched this performance like 6 times. ’nuff said!!

Except enough is never enough, so apparently I need to talk about the other little frauds who trotted out their bits and pieces and made an effort to inspire. Ms Cook…what can I say. Well, I’ll tell ya…she should be given a reprieve from the bottom 3…just for this week! She was good…not great…but good! The other Cook in the competion though was not so great! Simon was dead on…pompous! Left me cold!!

Another performance that left me cold was Carly Smithson. Could she be making her second appearance in the bottom three? Methinks so! Which brings me to elfin boy David. Simon was right, brilliant choice of song! I absolutely love Robbie Williams and wish his stuff was more popular this side of the pond. Perhaps the best pop song out there. Elfin boy, the good Farmacist’s love not withstanding, did not do it justice. Nothing to see here ya’ll, nothing to see.

Now ya’ll, I’d seriously like to be in bed right at this moment. Except that I’m not! I’m here trying to give all you loveable devotee’s something to think about as you do your voting. Let me just say it right here…vote that damn Brooke White and her fake ass tears (after every bad performance) right off the stage. That blond bubble-headed bimbette needs to take her pompom’s, pack up her fine ass huzband, and hightail it back to the desert where she overflowed from. You’ve got a friend my ass! Once again she pulled out the fake crocodile tears as soon as the judges were the teenceeweenceest negative. That lower lip. That cocked head. That insufferable, goody-two-shoes, act makes me want to vomit. I can’t stand her! Oh lord stop me now before I have a full on coronary! Be. Gone. “Pleasant walk in the park” my aunt fanny!

Now vote dammit and get it right…send peroxided and weaved out babbling Brooke right on home! I approved this message!


Friend of Dorothy?

April 8, 2008

Those gossipy gays guys and gals over at Harvey’s pad have once again been caught with their water glass held up to the studio walls over at Idol and have come up with the song list for tonight’s big show. Here’s the list (I’m not certain if it’s in order of appearance or not) –

Sayesha Mercado – I Believe (Fantasia)
David Cook – Innocent (Our Lady Peace)
Carly Smithson – The Show Must Go On (Queen)
Brooke White – You’ve Got a Friend (James Taylor)
Jason Castro – Over the Rainbow (Judy Garland)
Michael Johns – Dream On (Aerosmith)
Kristy Lee Cook – Anyway (Martina McBride)
David Archuleta – Angels (Robbie Williams)

Yeah, you read that right, dream boy with the dreads is singing Judy Garland’s Over the Rainbow because it “inspires” him. Judy Garland herself is the patron saint of the gays and let’s get real, this song is flat owned owned by the gays. If you are a gay and haven’t bowed at the feet of Ms. Garland, as well as taken ownership of this song, then you might as well send in your Gay Card to the big faerie in the Ozone.

Which leads me to wonder something profound – Is Jason Castro a friend of Dorothy? And if he is, is my little fantasy really that far-fetched?


A night to forget!

March 18, 2008

With a wee bit of sun still floating in the sky and our child straight up gone for the week, the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, and I hightailed it down the hill to Tantra for a little dindin before settling in for what was billed as another exciting Beatles night over at AI. The ambiance was perfection as was the food (good gawd I love me some coconut shrimp curry). The wine wasn’t too bad either – least I think so – it’s hard to tell after polishing off a bottle and then swiping a bottle from another table that looked like it had a drop or two still in it. Weaving our way back home, we sank into our rather deevine down-stuffed sofa to breath in the colors of Idol (errrr…I think Drunk Paula may have taken over my body at this moment).

Our good friend Ms. Vodkalips called and expressed some concern as to my mental state. Seattle’s own, Chindiana, also rang but frankly, it was taking everything I had to hang on to my last thread of sobriety and so I, well truth be told, I hit the ignore button. And then the show started…

Errrrr, I think it did anyway. Maybe it was the food. Maybe it was the web of fog the good Dr. Haze prescribed. Maybe it was the wine. Or perhaps a combination of all of it. Whatever it was, I found myself bored and completely underwhelmed at those frauds we are calling finalists.

Eyes drooped almost immediately upon rocker chick Amanda taking the stage. I don’t know what she sang. I’m pretty sure it sucked. Ms. Country Thang with the fine ass[ets] sauntered onto the stage and well, sucked. Elfin boy and lyrically challenged heart-throb, David, actually managed to remember the words and put forth a strong performance. Is it just me, or is his shtick getting just a little bit old? Yes, it is!

I’d love to remember the rest of the line-up but I can’t. I’m afraid I dozed off. I do remember Simon saying that perhaps a Beatle redux wasn’t the best idea. Ya think?!

I wish I could pull some predictions from somewhere, but this feeble mind of mine just can’t seem to make sense of this luke-warm mess we’ve just witnessed. There aren’t words! I can’t even tell you who sucked worse. I think I’m going to collect the good Dr. Haze and hit the hay…

Nite y’all!

UPDATE 3/19/08

You’re outta here:

Amanda Overmyer – rocker chick extraordinare


Live Blogging – Top 12 Results Show

March 6, 2008

Just got off the phone with DC Vodkalips. We’ve settled into a good rythm; pounding cocktails left and right. Good grief, how else are we suppose to deal with that atrocity of a hat that Paula’s wearing. At least she’s not giving Simon a hand job…yet.

Anyway, Ryan’s has announced that he and Lionel talked this afternoon and that he loved David Cook’s performance of Hello. We’re shocked? No! David’s into the top 12. Wait…here’s a shocker…David Archuleta is IN. HOT DAMN! My dread boi made it.

In so far…

David Cook
David Archuleta
Jason Castro

Commercials are over; another cocktail in hand. Of course in my house it’s never quite that simple. My 9 year old has decided to practice soccer and is using the staircase to really pound it out which has freaked his dog the hell out and DAMN! I just spilled my cocktail!

Oh sh*t, DC Vodkalips is calling and wants to chat about what a total mess Kady Malloy is. She’s out…thank dogs-n-cats forever! According the Ms. Vodkalips, Kady’s tits look like an Irish scrubwoman’s. And with that pronouncement, she’s off for another cocktail (me too).

Joining the “in” crowd

Brooke White
Sayesha Mercado

We’re back! Cocktail refreshed! Screamed at the dog and the boy…typical…they’ve ignored me. Thank Buddha Idol loves me still. WooHoo…there really is an Allah…stipper boi’s in! So’s Michael Johns. That leaves three…oh wait, there goes Luke…cool, that means it comes down to Danny and Chikezie. Don’t know who to root for there…I mean, they both from SoCal. Thank God the Jitterbug is over…bleck!

And by the way, Ryan needs to stop tellin people to take a stool. As Ms. Vodkalips pointed out, it rather sounds like he’s suggesting they take a sh*t! Anyway…joining the fellows…

David Hernandez
Michael Johns

Doin the chicks now…Ramiele’s in! So’s Carly. Hot Damn! Amanda’s in. Oh Damn! We’re down to Asia’h and Kristy Lee. Oh great…typical Ryan…callin out a commercial. Off to refill the cocktail…

Ramiele Malubay
Carly Smithson
Amanda Overmyer

Paula’s blathering on about some somethin…what? Oh Lord…she believes in both of them…oh wow…Simon says Asia’h’s goin home…but who’s out…Asia’h is OUT…WOAH!!

Rounding out our top 12 girls

Kristy Lee Cook

I know I’m a little bit Drunk Paula right now, but damn, I’m gonna miss me some Asia’h – weird ass spelling and all. I mean hell, she managed to purrrform right after her dad died…shouldn’t that be worth somethin? I demand a recount! Oh wait…we ain’t in Florida and she ain’t Bush! So hmmmm…I’m onna miss ya girl!

Danny and Chikezie up now.  Danny cryin like a little biatch…no shocker there (just to be fair, I am too…least I ain’t on national TV).  OH MY F’ING GOSH…we sent Danny home?  And kept Chikezie…bleck!!!  I know I bagged on Danny but you know, I got kinda fond of that little flamer.  Big kisses!!  Ya did good.

So there ya have it…our top 12 includes a one namer…

Chikezie

TMTH…I’m outta here!


Top 8 girls

March 5, 2008

You’re as drunk as I am!  You played the game right?  Then you’re as drunk as I am!  Geezus…just how smashed was she?  At one point, she full on had her head over in Simon’s lap.  My good friend DC Vodkalips wrang to say that Paula was plastered.  Geez, if that lush knew something was wrong, then she must have been one hot mess.  Thank dogs-n-cats that she’s got a driver.  Favorite quote of the night came from Drunk Paula –

I don’t understand what’s going on here!

As mentioned in a previous post, our good friends over at Harvey’s place, TMZ, seem to have a damn spy cam over at the studio.  I’m diggin that for real.  Once again though, just like their big reveal that Danny Noriega was the best in rehearsals, we were told that Brooke was the worst.  Granted, I was pretty damn drunk by the time we got to Brooke, but I thought she pretty dang well rang that bell.  Harvey, come on…you guys always have the best info…what gives with the slippage?

It’s my opinion that the boys are just stronger this season.  However, there are a couple of the chicks that I’m diggin on.  Ok, not diggin like David Cook when he said, as reported by TMZ, that he could “do” one of them, but you know, diggin…(geezus I sound like Drunk Paula).

Let’s see if I can “bring it all together” for ya…

Amanda Overmyer – Ummmm…hell yeah!  The rocker chick is back and doin her thang!  Joan Jet eat your heart out.  Seriously though, I’ve decided that’s my theme song right now – “Hate myself for lovin you” except I ain’t talking about Amanda rather about my love life…but that’s a whole ‘nuther Oprah!

Carly Smithson – Love the accent!  Love the tats!  Love, love, love this song!  Sorry, in the midst of all my rap, hip hop, trip hop, electronica, you’ll find Ms. Celine doin’ this song.  Crazy I know!  Carly knocked it out the park!

Brooke White – Another great performance – “Love is a Battlefield” – Damn right!  She’s just a little bit too holy and wholesome for me.  Everytime I see her I think, she needs to be dirtied up…just a little.  Then she sings and, for whatever reason I really like her.  She’s like a straight version of lesbian crooner K.D. Lang.  Ok, maybe not…but sorta ya think?  Whatever?!  Point is…I like her!

So, who don’t I like?  Well, for sure I think it’s time for good ole Katy Malloy to pack her bag of weaves and voices and head back to wherever talking wigs come from.   Love her many and varied voices.  Can’t stand to hear the one that is her.  bleck!   I don’t know who the hell should go home with her though.  I mean, we could send Syesha Mercado.  She’s not bad…but…or…we could send Kristy Lee Cook, but damn, I actually really like her (red tongue and all).

My top 6

Amanda Overmyer
Asia’h Epperson
Brooke White
Carly Smithson
Kristy Lee Cook
Ramiele Malubay

You watched?  What u think?