She blew it big-time!

April 2, 2009

Lawd y’all, for a moment there I thought I had indulged just a little damn much in the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze’s bag of goodies! I mean, what the hell was that thing “wingin” it’s way across the stage. Lawd, I felt like Big Bird had sh*t out an illegitimate turd onto the stage that was half human half…well, hell, what was it? I mean, what the hell? That child had plumb done lost her mind! I think! Again, perhaps the good Farmacist is to blame!

Now listen, too-damn-happy person from another time zone decided to state, for all to see on the damn Facebook, that Megan Joy had blown so hard we were sending her home. And wasn’t too-damn-happy person proud of herself! Yes she was! And well, who can blame her. Little Megan Joy had gotten just to weird for even the weirdest of us! But listen here kids, as annoyed with Megan Joy as I have become, I was even more annoyed when the Facebook too-damn-happy person made this announcement even BEFORE that Metrosexual of Metrosexuals had a chance to tell us who was in the bottom three! Lawd kids, I had to call over the good Farmacist just to settle my damn nerves after that brouhaha! But, I’m not bitter!

Anyway damn way, Megan Joy just got to be too much! As shockingly blunt and, some might say rude (although not me), as Simon’s little pronouncement was, we did NOT want to save this child. She had used up her usefulness the week she was sick! Ever since, we’ve just found ourselves over her!

So, let’s not talk about her today! As the good Farmacist loves to say, “why you gotta bring up old sh*t?!” Let’s talk about David Cook! We just don’t know how we feel about him any damn more! We certainly find him somewhat attractive! And we certainly remembered that we have loved his voice in the past, and maybe still do! We just did not like that little ditty he mangled and mutilated last night! So, for all intensive purposes, we could have done without him slithering and sliding across that over-indulgent stage!

But listen here kids, we figured out last night why all the gays over in boys town go silly over this Lady GaGa character! Lawd kids, that child is fierce! We like her and her weirdness and will dance our little ass off to this hotness the next time we see her advertised at one of the many gay boy dance-a-thons down the little hill from our casa! She had a damn zipper over her eye! How sick is that sh*t! Yup!! We think this child is fierce!

That’s all!


Frauds – All of Them!

February 26, 2009

Now listen here kids, I’ve straight up had it up to here with this fraudulent and faux “singing” competition we sometimes affectionately call Idol. The idea that I should spend not one, but two hours watching the heehawing and caterwauling that emanated from my big ass teevee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear image – was downright insulting, not to mention a colossal waste of my precious and valuable time.

Straight from the get-go we were insulted by voices that were lost in a fog, song choices that, at my most generous, were just wrong, wrong, wrong. And speaking of such, did the producers of this train-wreck of a show take the week off? Where were the damn vocal coaches? Huh?! Where? Was the advice “just sing any damn thing you want and you’ll do fine?!” Stupid!

And then there was that idiot called Norman something-or-other who made a farce, a mockery, of an already farcical show! Really, how low can these people go in an effort to prop up what must be sagging ratings. The gods, all of them, must be spinning in the heavens wondering what that hot mess was. Lawd, that child went so far as to make out with an inanimate object right there on the stage. I felt molested just watching. Hell no, I won’t love him!!! One simple minded person actually started a petition on that there thing called Facebook begging for people to vote for the mo-ron! Say what? I nearly sh*t myself!

But here’s the damn thing kids, as rotten and revolting as that performance by Norman something-or-other was, just about all the rest of the “finalists” stunk to high heaven as well. Oh Lawd, it was a complete blood-bath of epic proportions. And I was reminded again, and again, that the damn judges in their “infinite” wisdom, sent my boy Jamar Rogers home. Yes kids, they sent that child home, and replaced with with these frauds! If I’m being honest, and we know I always am, this is a verifiable disaster! And should the rumors of Mr. Rogers return turn out to somehow be untrue, I may never be able to watch this sad little show again. Yes kids, you heard me right!

Having said all of that, there were a couple of little gurls whose performances verged on decent and who I wouldn’t mind seeing in the top 12 or whatever amalgamation we will be seeing this year. First and foremost was the little girl who apparently went to the Jason Castro (member him, the one I wished and fantasized about strumming me like his damn geetar?) school of interviewing prowess. Lawd kids, that little gurl was just plain dumb when that metrosexual of metrosexuals sat up in that hideously designed coke-red room and tried to pry and prod all sorts of meaningless information out of her. But when that child took the stage and sang a song that played on my cassette player way, way back in the day, oh lawd, I nearly sat up off of my sofa! Yes, the competition, at least for the night, began right there. It also just about ended right there as well.

Now listen, I also liked that quirky, cute and funny little gurl named Megan Joy. Sure she wasn’t a blow out or “da bomb” but she was cute and relatively good. I did NOT like that idiot named Adam. Now listen, I know that some gurls and boys think the moon rises on this child’s ass and have all manner of lustful thoughts roaming through their pretty little brains about this little boy. I do NOT! He should have tried out for American Broadway Idol for which he is perfectly qualified! I’m sorry kids, but I gotta call it the way I see it. I would much, much prefer to see that little child who almost mangled Michael Jackson’s ditty “Man in the Mirror” move on through and up to the big house! Yes kids I would. There was one other little gurl I rather liked…perhaps it was that she sang a timeless classic, but like her I did. Miss “Betty Davis Eyes” should at the very least be considered for a wild card seat (just not Jamar Rogers seat…just sayin!).

Listen, there was a lot of talk about legs, legs and more legs. And when it’s coming from Drunk and/or Stoned Paula, we know for sure that is a bad, bad sign. When all four of the judges parade out that tired compliment, we know for sure we’ve just witnessed a damn bloodbath!

Listen here, I couldn’t come up with a top three from last night – Could you?

UPDATE – Now listen here, I don’t have but a quick minute to give you the run down on what you already know. That Norman somebody-or-other is out…thankfully! So is just about everyone else. This was NOT a surprise was it? No, absolutely not! We’ve now got half the spots filled. I’m still trying to suss out when we will be naming the wild-card spots…maybe next results show? Will let you know as soon as I find out. Cheers!


Salt Lake Sh*tty

January 29, 2009

There is nothing more I can add to this TMZ headline. Really and seriously kids, David Archuleta’s clone was not to be found. The caterwauling and hee-hawing that emanated from the big-ass TeeVee in my cozy living room high in the hills above Hollywood was enough to make my dog run with tail between legs. While there were a couple of little frauds who might, maybe, be in our top 12, it’s hard to say that with a straight face based off of what we saw last night.

Tonight we will be visiting San Juan and from the clips, I expect it to be an awful night…again. Good gawd, this part of the season is predictable, indulgent and boring. Were I chosen to do up and do over this bloated and mundane show we call Idol, I would whittle down all these city visits to just ONE damn show! There.Is.No.Reason.For.This.Sh*t! Or maybe I’m just in a pissy mood!


Rumble?

May 20, 2008

Continuing with their theme of over-indulgent mediocrity, which has been raised to a level heretofor unprecedented in Idol history, American Idol decided to “treat” we the viewers to boxing comparisons.  Yaawwnn!  The good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, and I put on our best duds, spiffed up the Progeny and trecked over to the Nokia for the first part of the big finale.  The people were beautiful, the Nokia gussied up beyond good taste and, well, reality was no where to be found.

Following previous seasons, the first round number was chosen by Clive Davis.  Now, Mr. Davis may have the “golden ear”, of that I have no doubt.  But he’s old and his song selection reflected his antiquity.  Both Davids performed their numbers with gusto, but, if I’m being honest (and we know I always am), David Cook ended his portion of the competition last week.  Heck, he pretty much said so himself.   That’s not to say he sucked, because he didn’t.  He was just outsung by little eflin boy David Archuleta.

In fact, all three rounds were dominated by little David…Archuleta.  And, can I just say, that this idea of letting people “write” songs for the finale and then have the contestants sing them is something the producers should reconsider.  Every year these songs have sucked, sucked, sucked!  Tonight was absolutely no different.  These were not songs I, or any other music loving person, would enjoy hearing on the regular!

Round three allowed the boys to choose their own song.  Like Simon, I was hoping the hear Billie Jean from Cook.  Contestants have done this in the past, reprising their best performances from the season.  However, I’m glad he didn’t.  He showed, to me anyway, that he’s an evolving artist that doesn’t need to rely on a “greatest hits” album to win the show.  While it would have been nice to have heard one of these numbers,  he did a brilliant job with the one he performed. 

Little David, of course, went the opposite way reprising his performance of Imagine.  Once again, he left out parts of the number and, while performing beautifully, ruined the song for me.  You know, I’m tired of the comparison of little David and the phone book.  It’s not a good comparison.

Unlike Simon, I can’t say that eflin boy David landed any knock-out punches.  Maybe it was the lushness that is the Nokia.  Maybe it’s because I’m trying to whack this out in the back of a lovely towncar with the Progeny’s head resting gently on my shoulder as he slumbers.  Maybe it’s because my chat earlier in the evening with D.C. Vodkalips reminded me of just how much I don’t care.  Whatever the reason, tonight just didn’t ring bells for me.  Which is too bad!

I can’t pick a winner.  They were both capable in their own way.  The rumble at the Nokia was much more like a tiptoe through the tulips;  Pretty, capable, sickeningly sweet.  The boxing comparison, the choosing of Sir Andrew Lloyd Weber, showed once again just how out of touch to reality this “reality” show has become.  The winner is irrelevant because “they’re both already winners!”  Which makes all of the hoopla just a bunch of hot air. 


David squared

May 14, 2008

Yes, by now you already know that the David’s will be gracing the big stage at the Kodak Theatre next week. We pretty much knew the results. We are not shocked.

Once again, I was distracted. My co-hort, The Professor, who got bored nearly immediately this season and, despite his promises otherwise, could not make himself sit in front of his trusty laptop and whip out words of wit and wisdom regardin this mess of a season on Idol. Anyway…that sentance was a mess huh? Well, blame the Professor! My phone rang at a little after 7p alerting me to the Professor’s imminent arrival here in the Southland. Before I even had a chance to fluff-n-stuff and throw the progeny in the shower, in walked the ever distinguished Professor wearing a tight-ass shirt covering a rather amazing torso that proudly proclaimed that “It’s beautiful being easy!” Ahhh…truer words were never more appropriately applied. In with him came the progeny’s amazingly beautiful and breath-takingly voluptous Tia from the OC. Having my two best friends in one room is rare and quite frankly drove any thought of who, what, when, where…at least when it came to Idol.

Truthfully though, who cared about private planes, limos to schools, hometowns and blah, blah, blah. I didn’t! I did notice two things though – the sound was once again a mess tonight. Don’t know who’s been running it…but they outta be strung up by nipple clamps. And, I noticed Fantasia’s hair. She “tried something different” and DAMN…and on the subject of Fantasia…she looked FIERCE!!!!!!! WOO WOO

In the end though, we knew. We knew that Sayesha’s spot in the bottom three had finally run it’s course. She’s lived their practically the whole season. And, while none of this year’s contestants are AMAZING, they are good…she just didn’t quite match up to David squared.

Now, I’ve got to go down one more bottle of water. That damn Professor and the progeny’s voluptous Tia from the OC tempt me to do bad things and, well…I really don’t want to show up to the place I pretend to work (they pretend to pay me…so it works out) being a hung-over wretch!

Night y’all!


Isn’t it ironic?

May 13, 2008

No, no one sang the above mentioned Alanis Morrisett song – thankfully! What’s ironic is that I find myself done with this season of American Idol and it’s a full week before the Grand Finale. That’s some sort of record. The show has gotten predictable and, if I’m being honest, which we know I always am, just plain boring. Frankly, I was far more interested in the big ass steaks the progeny and I were grilling than what these semi-lovable frauds had on their song lists for the night. In fact, so enthralled were we with the grilling of the big ass steaks and a fine chat with the young neighbor from across the fence that we missed the entire first third of the night – the sad part is that I didn’t feel like I missed much.

The second part of the show was devoted to waking the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze and then eating our big ass steaks, along with some lovely rice pilaf and some tender, buttery, sweet corn-on-the-cob. Between bites and gasps for air, we managed to catch a wee bit of the “contestant’s choice” songs of the night. The progeny even joined elfin boy David Archuletta in singing along to Chris Brown’s little ditty after which he intoned that little David was NO Chris Brown! I couldn’t have agreed more! Sayesha showed that she is ready for Broadway with her rendition of Fever. Don’t know what Paula was thinking because Sayesha for sure showed that she is the next American Broadway Idol – and the world rejoiced. Don’t know what the heck it was that David Cook sang but…bleck!

Third round again found me a little too busy to pay attention. Grilling big ass steaks, cooking up mountains of rice and making the perfect corn-on-the-cob comes with a great price – dirty dishes! Now usually I would forgo the voluminous mess in favor of watching the hot mess we call Idol, but frankly tonight, I found myself more interested in dish duty than paying attention to these frauds. This third round was producers choice and it quickly became apparent something we’ve known practically this whole damn season – the producers are completely out of touch! The song chosen for elfin boy David, why by the way, and if every last news report is to be believed, is daddy less when backstage now, was gawd awful. As the judges noted, this boy could sing the phone book and I agree – but why remind us of that little fact? I have a theory – the theory is that the producers were doing their best to shut elfin boy David out of the Grand Finale. I think they would like Sayesha and David Cook at the big show. Speaking of these two idiots, they performed their third round numbers quite nicely.

Following the show, and when I should have felt inclined to vote for someone, I instead rang up the ever-so intoxicated D.C. Vodkalips. She, like me, is completely over this season. And I believed her. Wanna know why? Of course you do, silly question. In seasons past, Ms. Vodkalips would have been sending up smoke signals from her phone – by three minutes after 9p (which is the exact time I called), she would be well on her way to 100 dials for her choice (she’s picked every winner so far!). But last night, at 9:03, the first shock was that I got through. The second shock was that I was NOT told to hang the [insert favorite expletive here] up and VOTE, VOTE, VOTE. In fact, we had a nice leisurely conversation lasting for nine minutes and fifty-eight seconds according to my trust digital phone. It was during this phone call that Ms. Vodkalips told me she had voted for the winner – but only 17 times. Shocking! Well, maybe not to you, but to me it was absolutely mind-blowing that this hysterical Swedish alcoholic just had given up. But in my heart, I agreed! I don’t know what the future holds over at the Kodak next week. I do know that the winner will be…drum roll please…DAVID COOK!

Now, I’ve got to wrap this up because Chef Ramsey is seriously slamming sh*t around over there in Hell’s Kitchen. Heck, he’s gotten so irate that the good Farmacist is sitting up and in rapt attention – gotta go!


MVP

May 8, 2008

I was absolutely much too busy last evening watching Kobe Bryant receive his first ever MVP award to watch the show I’m suppose to write about. I don’t care! Frankly, unless they had given me the judges seats on Idol and sat Buddha and Gandhi on either side of me, I just couldn’t be bothered. And, if I’m being honest, and you know I always am, even Buddha and Gandhi, as much as I appreciate them, may not have been enough of a draw to drag me away from my excellent seats at the Staples Center watching Kobe receive his MVP trophy and then kick the Utah Jazz’s ass! Ok…he didn’t do it by himself…but, gotta tell ya, he was pretty amazing to watch!

So, here’s the deal. I did not watch Bo Bice perform. We all know he’s a nice guy and yeah…whatever. I did not watch Maroon 5 belt out their latest. And I love me some Maroon 5. But even had they been nakkid on stage, I just couldn’t be bothered! I did not watch what we already knew was going to happen. I heard on the news this morning. Yes, you heard that right…I heard on the news. Say WHAT?!?!? Seriously, if LA news doesn’t have anything more important to report than the axing of Jason Castro, a contestant most deserving to be axed, then we’re in a heap of trouble. Then again, it is LA and our stars are as important as our homicides. That’s not totally a bad thing!

Go LAKERS!