Messin w/ my mind

March 2, 2010

Listen, by the time the Idol came on tonight, I’ll be honest, I had already pounded a goodly portion of a bottle of very expensive Pinot Noir in an effort to create a new and improved Drunk Paula drinking game for all y’all degenerates who feel the need to tipple a few in an effort to block out some of the caterwauling that parades itself across our tee vees. And boy howdy was there ever some caterwauling. Now listen y’all, I’m gonna hope you can make a little sense of my thoughts here cuz lord knows, given the mess I’ve got to work with and my slightly pickled brain, that could prove to be a bit on difficult side.

Big Mike
It’s a Man’s World
Oh Lawd y’all, Big Mike may give the impression of being a manly, man’s man, but with all that pressing of pint-sized metrosexual Ryan Seacrest AND the fact that home-boy loves him some thee-a-tah, one could be excused for thinking something otherwise. Big Mike opened up the show like a show should be…with some pizazz and some pursing of the lips in a manner that made ya wanna reach through the tee-vee screen and do something naughty with ’em.

John Park
Gravity
I just don’t feel connected to the technically good performances this purdy young man from Chicago via Korea puts on. And that’s all there is to say about this one…except of course that when Simon said he thought this might be the end of the road, he hadn’t yet heard Todrick, Jermaine or Tim Urban.

Casey James
I Don’t Wanna Be
I don’t wanna hear this song again. It’s been done up and did over by every boy who imagine themselves to be the second coming of Mr. DeGraw who we all know has not even excited stage left. Enough already! But sweet jeezis, this boy is purdy to look at!

Alex Lambert
Everybody Knows
Lawd jeezis, this child with that mullet sangs in such a manner as to put impure and improper thoughts in my head.

Todrick Hall
What’s Love Got to do With it?
There really aren’t any words for this mess that paraded itself on our screen. Despite those unnaturally white teeth and spectacular eyes, there really ain’t anything goin on here that would cause me to do anything more than throw up a little in my mouth. Sweet jeezis what a mess!

Jermaine Sellers
What’s Goin On?
The only thing goin on for this freaky-deaky dude was that onesy which we promptly went and ordered for ourselves about two seconds into this revolting performance. Heck, we didn’t even both to hear what the judges had to say because frankly it couldn’t have been good…hell, even Drunk Paula couldn’t have made lemonade out of that sour-ass mess.

Andrew Garcia
You Give Me Something
Chills! That’s what this child gives me! Chills running the full length of my spine. I am in love with this child’s voice! Lawd jeezis! Agreed that it wasn’t the best song for this child, but ohhhhhhh lawd. I swooned!!!

Aaron Kelly
My Girl
Really? The good Pharmacist (who you’ll remember from season’s past as the ex who sometimes manages to bribe the guards outside the gate to my casa high in the hills above Hollywood so as to slip in and watch this farcical show) said this child will grow up to be a homosexual. I’m not a fan of the song, the performance or this sixteen year old child (and really, must we be reminded that he’s sixteen…huh?!).

Tim Urban
Come On Get High
I said to the Professor, that I needed to be high to get through this gawd-awful performance and frankly wanted to do as the song suggested and drown myself so as to get that putrid sound out of my ears. Thank the gawds for Miss Ellen suggesting this child should be on Glee…lawd, I wet myself from laughing over that one!!

Lee Dewyze
Lips of an Angel
Now really, there is no reason for this child to be pissing-himself-nervous. He’s just that good! Ok, not quite as good as Simon seems to imagine (hello, did anyone else see the major boner that Simon got when the Dewyzzle was belting out this little ditty), but still, this child can sing and has a commercial sound that would make an angel cheat on the gods.

It is my personal, but utterly meaningless opinion, that we’ve seen the last of Toadrick, Onesie and the boy from Glee. Well, in reality, one of them will stay around and if I had to choose which one of the three it would be, well, I just can’t. So, let’s have poll, which two of these three deserves the boot more?

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Of Crap & Nerves

February 24, 2010

Listen, the Professor and I were chatting tonight and could think of no good thing about this drab bunch of performers. Perhaps it was because I needed a drink to make it more interesting. I mean, it’s hard to play the Drunk Paula Drinking Game without the primary character there to speed things along. Perhaps it was the fact that the Progeny’s puppy has, like the Progeny was want to do at a young age, shoved something poisonous into the mouth and become violently ill leaving dribblets of shyte spread from one end of my walled and gated casa high in the hills above Hollywood, to the other. Thanks a tree-like thing called a shrub, I have no house-gurl any longer to clean up messes and so there I was, trying to hold a conversation with the Professor while mopping floors of puppy goo. Listen, if y’all think I’m in a good and/or generous mood, y’all got another think comin! But I digress…

First, let’s talk about the judges table –

Coke cups looks like won out over Vitamin Water cups. Why God, why? Stupid montage played about Simon and Ellen. That was totally tonight’s WTF?! moment! Kara was there in all her 80’s bad hair glory perhaps trying to play up to the Drunk Paula crowd. Didn’t work! We hate her more! There really aren’t words for Randy, whose dawgs no longer bark. We do like his watch collection! And good old Simon…what to say…he’s kinda checked out already huh?! Which brings me to Ellen – Lord y’all, we do love this les-bee-ann, who has brought her brand of kooky comedienne to this sangin show. What we do NOT love is those crazy ass eyes that were buggin out at us the entire night…good jeezis those things scared us as they stalked us like an ice-blue leopard. Fix that stat! Again with the digression…need alcohol stat!

Now listen, the Professor popped up on my iPhone to inform me that

Siobhan Magnus SUCKS.

I can’t even pronounce her name, remember what she looks like, remember what she sang. Hell, I can’t remember anything about her. The next words of wisdom from the Professor came across the wires saying

C’mon Crystal! Blow us away!

Now listen, I don’t know if she blew us totally away, but hell, it was a damn sight better than just about anyone else. Which brings me to song selection and Simon’s [for once] under-used phrase “indulgent!” These gurls may have great voices, but as of right now they, none of them, not a damn one, picked out a song that didn’t sound like sad karaoke over at the A-OK-Corral down on the Sunset Strip. I have walked out on better!

I wanted to pick my top three and my bottom three, but frankly, since none of them stood out, I just can’t. At some point, my father’s sister, who use to drive me around as a child playing all sorts of fun pranks on the snakes that populated our little corner of the universe down in the Southern parts of these United States, has informed me that we really should vote to keep that girl from Colorado, Lilly Scott. She weren’t too bad, so…there ya have it! Someone we can like!

Add that to Crystal, who, while not blowing us totally away, was better than most, and what you have here is two out of twelve who we can work with based off of tonight’s lackluster and perhaps nervous performances. Listen it was crap on the tee-vee and crap on the floor. Lawd y’all, was just too much crap for one sane person to deal with.

I’d love to throw-up a poll that asks who ya liked or who should go home, but after tonight’s performances, do ya even care?


Boogie Fever!

April 21, 2009

Now listen here kids, one would usually think that Disco night would be one more hot mess up on that over-indulgent stage on that bloated juggernaut of a show called Idol. We’ve seen it happen season after season where our favorites shat all over themselves trying to prove they’ve somehow caught the disco fever! Well lawd y’all, tonight was NOT one of those nights. These frauds clearly know something about disco and they weren’t afraid to lend their debatable talents to prove it.

Now listen here real fast kids, once again I am forced to tap out this little missive via my iPhone as if I was tappin out the damn Morse Code. It’s damn near driving me insane. Not to mention that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze (who obviously wants something) has once again shimmied over the fence, past the guard dogs and was sprawled out on my sofa as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Not only that, but the good Farmacist keeps insisting on hogging the remote control AND trying to give me wet willies. We are NOT amused! Thankfully, we find our spirits lightened by this fine bunch of [mostly] in-tune singers.

Now, y’all will most certainly remember that that acerbic tongued maestro, Mr. Cowell, had given some sort of reprieve that brought out tears of joy for that Matt fellow who frankly sang like a really bad karaoke performer on the good ship lollipop last week. But, save him they did. Which means that tomorrow night’s result show will be quite spectacular as we loose not one but TWO of these damn children. Frankly, we’ve already got our two picked out. Not because they sucked, because, as we’ve already admitted, this is one HOT bunch of children. But because there are two who really and truly can’t seem to step their game up to the level that some other of the children have done.

Now kids, y’all know I could just go on and on, but frankly, we ain’t here to talk about me, we’re here to talk about these kids! Ya ready?

Lil Rounds
I’m Every Woman!

Poor Lil, she shore is every damn woman! And hell, we’ve seen ’em all parade around that stage. Now lawd y’all, we love that she got an ass-et that makes us sit up and take notice. And we love that she’s got a voice as big as all get out! We do not love that she has lost herself! Being good at mimicking stars might get ya a show at a mid-level casino in Vegas or Reno (probably Reno). But y’all, that ain’t sayin much! We love ya Lil, but you’re our first pick to boogie on outta here!

Kris Allen
She Works Hard For The Money

Oh dear gods in the heavens and any where else they may (or may not) reside! This child plum has done something to our cold, dark and snarky heart! We would stand on any street corner at any hour of the day if we thought he might croon about us! This child is workin it and we couldn’t be happier! Lawd, this was, by far, the best performance of the night! Hell, this child has gone from a timid mouse sneakin on stage to a power-house who’s just ready to f*ck some sh*t up! BAM!

Danny Gokey
September

Kids, this child shore does have a purty voice! But lawd, this child is puttin on the weight! And watchin him prance around that stage makes us think of all the homosexual sangers who lead the music at all the big mega-church wannabe’s all across this great land of ours. They just tryin so damn hard! And Ms. Kara’s right, pitch perfect! BUT…that’s the problem kids…we just can’t quite put our finger on what that BUT is that leaves us cold…but it’s for sure there!!

Allison Iraheta
Hot Stuff

Hot stuff is right! This child just knocks our socks off…even when we don’t like the song, arrangement or even the performance. That kids is some damn talent!

Adam Lambert
If I Can’t Have You

We have nothing to say except this – the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, was absolutely certain, without a doubt, that this was the worst performance of the night! We were a little shocked – heck, even the good Farmacist was shocked…but that didn’t change the verdict! We on the other hand loved, loved, loved it!

Matt Giraud
Staying Alive

This child was just so damn excited to be given a second chance at Idol life that he sang some damn song by the Bee Gee’s about livin. And well, he shouldn’t have! See.Ya.Later.Bye! We did not need to hear this and we are in total agreement with ourselves about this decision! This child we did not love and expect to see him sittin at the bus depot with that child Lil clutchin his ticket back to where-ever he came from (we don’t know and don’t care) in his lifeless hand!

Anoop Desai
Dance the Night Away

Really kids, we have no idea if that’s the name of the song! And frankly, we aren’t sure we really liked this arrangement! But we are quite certainly that Anoop-Dog looked fly as f*ck tonight! And, while we expect him to round out our bottom three, we expect to hear the smooth sounds of that lovely child’s voice for at least one more damn week!

So kids, here’s the question – Ya think I got it right in sayin that Lil and Matt got boogie fever? Or, you got someone else in mind?


Frauds – All of Them!

February 26, 2009

Now listen here kids, I’ve straight up had it up to here with this fraudulent and faux “singing” competition we sometimes affectionately call Idol. The idea that I should spend not one, but two hours watching the heehawing and caterwauling that emanated from my big ass teevee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear image – was downright insulting, not to mention a colossal waste of my precious and valuable time.

Straight from the get-go we were insulted by voices that were lost in a fog, song choices that, at my most generous, were just wrong, wrong, wrong. And speaking of such, did the producers of this train-wreck of a show take the week off? Where were the damn vocal coaches? Huh?! Where? Was the advice “just sing any damn thing you want and you’ll do fine?!” Stupid!

And then there was that idiot called Norman something-or-other who made a farce, a mockery, of an already farcical show! Really, how low can these people go in an effort to prop up what must be sagging ratings. The gods, all of them, must be spinning in the heavens wondering what that hot mess was. Lawd, that child went so far as to make out with an inanimate object right there on the stage. I felt molested just watching. Hell no, I won’t love him!!! One simple minded person actually started a petition on that there thing called Facebook begging for people to vote for the mo-ron! Say what? I nearly sh*t myself!

But here’s the damn thing kids, as rotten and revolting as that performance by Norman something-or-other was, just about all the rest of the “finalists” stunk to high heaven as well. Oh Lawd, it was a complete blood-bath of epic proportions. And I was reminded again, and again, that the damn judges in their “infinite” wisdom, sent my boy Jamar Rogers home. Yes kids, they sent that child home, and replaced with with these frauds! If I’m being honest, and we know I always am, this is a verifiable disaster! And should the rumors of Mr. Rogers return turn out to somehow be untrue, I may never be able to watch this sad little show again. Yes kids, you heard me right!

Having said all of that, there were a couple of little gurls whose performances verged on decent and who I wouldn’t mind seeing in the top 12 or whatever amalgamation we will be seeing this year. First and foremost was the little girl who apparently went to the Jason Castro (member him, the one I wished and fantasized about strumming me like his damn geetar?) school of interviewing prowess. Lawd kids, that little gurl was just plain dumb when that metrosexual of metrosexuals sat up in that hideously designed coke-red room and tried to pry and prod all sorts of meaningless information out of her. But when that child took the stage and sang a song that played on my cassette player way, way back in the day, oh lawd, I nearly sat up off of my sofa! Yes, the competition, at least for the night, began right there. It also just about ended right there as well.

Now listen, I also liked that quirky, cute and funny little gurl named Megan Joy. Sure she wasn’t a blow out or “da bomb” but she was cute and relatively good. I did NOT like that idiot named Adam. Now listen, I know that some gurls and boys think the moon rises on this child’s ass and have all manner of lustful thoughts roaming through their pretty little brains about this little boy. I do NOT! He should have tried out for American Broadway Idol for which he is perfectly qualified! I’m sorry kids, but I gotta call it the way I see it. I would much, much prefer to see that little child who almost mangled Michael Jackson’s ditty “Man in the Mirror” move on through and up to the big house! Yes kids I would. There was one other little gurl I rather liked…perhaps it was that she sang a timeless classic, but like her I did. Miss “Betty Davis Eyes” should at the very least be considered for a wild card seat (just not Jamar Rogers seat…just sayin!).

Listen, there was a lot of talk about legs, legs and more legs. And when it’s coming from Drunk and/or Stoned Paula, we know for sure that is a bad, bad sign. When all four of the judges parade out that tired compliment, we know for sure we’ve just witnessed a damn bloodbath!

Listen here, I couldn’t come up with a top three from last night – Could you?

UPDATE – Now listen here, I don’t have but a quick minute to give you the run down on what you already know. That Norman somebody-or-other is out…thankfully! So is just about everyone else. This was NOT a surprise was it? No, absolutely not! We’ve now got half the spots filled. I’m still trying to suss out when we will be naming the wild-card spots…maybe next results show? Will let you know as soon as I find out. Cheers!


Still smarting

February 18, 2009

Now listen here kiddos, I’m still smarting from the very unceremonious way that our buddy Jamar Rogers was dumped last week. And especially so after listening to some of the appalling excuses for man-singers that paraded their tired, overworked selves across my big-ass teevee – the kind the hangs on the wall with the crystal clear picture. As much as I’d like to give a big ole run down of the whole show, I’ve got to get my ass in gear and head to that place where I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me, so it all works out in the end.

A few minutes before the big show started, my trusty little iPhone rang alerting me to the imminent arrival at my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood of Miss Bosoms Galore. Flaunting her ginormous tata’s on my sofa, was a bit distracting for both myself and the good Farmacist Dr. P. Haze who also rather oddly decided to make another appearance to watch a show that, according to the good Farmacist, isn’t worth watching. Now kiddo’s I don’t know what that is all about…seems fishy to me. But, since I didn’t have to part with any of my hard earned money, I have chosen to ignore the implications that the good Farmacist’s presence made. At one point we were also joined by the always in motion Blab R. Mouth. Now listen here, there was almost a fight that broke out behind the gates of my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood. Miss Bosoms Galore declared she was ready to kick the fake teeth out of Mr. Mouth. The good Farmacist insisted on pulling out money to watch said beat down. Lawd kiddos, it was enough to make a sane person run naked through the streets begging for the law to come and haul them away to the loony bin (or Brittney’s house which is kind of the same thing).

Now, in an effort to save a little time, let’s just say that there were only three performances that stood out. So, we’ll talk about those and perhaps touch on the high-as-a-kite Tatiana Del Toro. I commented at one point that the child was so hopped up on Valium that her two-ton ass had a hard time negotiating that long walk to the circular stage. The good Farmacist said that wasn’t the case as there had been a personal delivery of medication to Miss Del Toro’s dressing room shortly before the show to “calm her nerves.” No wonder the good Farmacist is both loved and reviled. Loved for providing medication to the masses who so desperately need it and reviled for providing medication to that train-wreck of a self-marketer.

Now listen here, I’ve got to make this quick –

We loved us some Alexis Grace – while that child did herself no favors by singing Miss Aretha, she showed that she’s got chops and we’d like to see her march on through. We loved us some Anoop-Dog even though he too had some issues with his chosen ditty. We absolutely adored, and would take our clothes off for, Danny Gokey. Yes, that child has a voice that is simply beyond words. Which is all the more reason why we are smarting today. We caught a glimpse of his boy, our boy, Jamar Rogers in the audience and it brought us straight up to tears. That boy is beautiful beyond words and can sing the clothes right off of us.

Speaking of Mr. Rogers, word has slipped through the gates of our casa high in the hills above Hollywood that perhaps our boy might be in play for one of the wild card slots the judges chatted about. Now, we don’t know sh*t-from-shinola when it comes to the workings that is this cumbersome and over-indulgent show we so faithfully watch. We do know that if the judges have an ounce of matter left in their booze-soaked brains, they will serve him up to us on a silver platter.  And speaking of the judges, Drunk Paula was on full display wasn’t she!  Lawd, had their been more booze in my home last night, none of this bit of writing would have happened.  And did that child ramble on-and-on?  Yes!  Yes she did!

Who is going home tonight? Now, this is not something that will be difficult to pick – for sure going home will be Stevie, Stephen and Casey. We feel relatively certain that they will be joined by Ann Marie, Ricky, Brent and Jackie. Here’s my question…who’s in your top three?

UPDATE – Well, this is not all that surprising! I mean, yes, we totally wanted Anoop Dog in our top 12 because we think he deserves a spot. However, we aren’t totally distressed because we know there are at least 2 wild card seats open (assuming of course that the rumor – and yes, it’s just a damn rumor – of Jamar Roger’s return holds out to be true). And plus, we sort of fancy the roughneck’s dorky kind of ways. Will he win? Oh.Hell.No. But, at least we’ll feel good as long as he’s around! The other results were NOT a shock. The only “shock” was that that Metrosexual of Metrosexuals tried to have us believe that it came down to Danny and Tatiana…as if?! Thankfully she’s take some more of the good Farmacist’s medication and was too stoned to give her typical hysteronics! Welcome to the Top 12 ya’ll!


What u think?

February 13, 2009