Listen, by the time the Idol came on tonight, I’ll be honest, I had already pounded a goodly portion of a bottle of very expensive Pinot Noir in an effort to create a new and improved Drunk Paula drinking game for all y’all degenerates who feel the need to tipple a few in an effort to block out some of the caterwauling that parades itself across our tee vees. And boy howdy was there ever some caterwauling. Now listen y’all, I’m gonna hope you can make a little sense of my thoughts here cuz lord knows, given the mess I’ve got to work with and my slightly pickled brain, that could prove to be a bit on difficult side.
It’s a Man’s World
Oh Lawd y’all, Big Mike may give the impression of being a manly, man’s man, but with all that pressing of pint-sized metrosexual Ryan Seacrest AND the fact that home-boy loves him some thee-a-tah, one could be excused for thinking something otherwise. Big Mike opened up the show like a show should be…with some pizazz and some pursing of the lips in a manner that made ya wanna reach through the tee-vee screen and do something naughty with ’em.
I just don’t feel connected to the technically good performances this purdy young man from Chicago via Korea puts on. And that’s all there is to say about this one…except of course that when Simon said he thought this might be the end of the road, he hadn’t yet heard Todrick, Jermaine or Tim Urban.
I Don’t Wanna Be
I don’t wanna hear this song again. It’s been done up and did over by every boy who imagine themselves to be the second coming of Mr. DeGraw who we all know has not even excited stage left. Enough already! But sweet jeezis, this boy is purdy to look at!
Lawd jeezis, this child with that mullet sangs in such a manner as to put impure and improper thoughts in my head.
What’s Love Got to do With it?
There really aren’t any words for this mess that paraded itself on our screen. Despite those unnaturally white teeth and spectacular eyes, there really ain’t anything goin on here that would cause me to do anything more than throw up a little in my mouth. Sweet jeezis what a mess!
What’s Goin On?
The only thing goin on for this freaky-deaky dude was that onesy which we promptly went and ordered for ourselves about two seconds into this revolting performance. Heck, we didn’t even both to hear what the judges had to say because frankly it couldn’t have been good…hell, even Drunk Paula couldn’t have made lemonade out of that sour-ass mess.
You Give Me Something
Chills! That’s what this child gives me! Chills running the full length of my spine. I am in love with this child’s voice! Lawd jeezis! Agreed that it wasn’t the best song for this child, but ohhhhhhh lawd. I swooned!!!
Really? The good Pharmacist (who you’ll remember from season’s past as the ex who sometimes manages to bribe the guards outside the gate to my casa high in the hills above Hollywood so as to slip in and watch this farcical show) said this child will grow up to be a homosexual. I’m not a fan of the song, the performance or this sixteen year old child (and really, must we be reminded that he’s sixteen…huh?!).
Come On Get High
I said to the Professor, that I needed to be high to get through this gawd-awful performance and frankly wanted to do as the song suggested and drown myself so as to get that putrid sound out of my ears. Thank the gawds for Miss Ellen suggesting this child should be on Glee…lawd, I wet myself from laughing over that one!!
Lips of an Angel
Now really, there is no reason for this child to be pissing-himself-nervous. He’s just that good! Ok, not quite as good as Simon seems to imagine (hello, did anyone else see the major boner that Simon got when the Dewyzzle was belting out this little ditty), but still, this child can sing and has a commercial sound that would make an angel cheat on the gods.
It is my personal, but utterly meaningless opinion, that we’ve seen the last of Toadrick, Onesie and the boy from Glee. Well, in reality, one of them will stay around and if I had to choose which one of the three it would be, well, I just can’t. So, let’s have poll, which two of these three deserves the boot more?