Ryan, STFU!

March 30, 2010

The title says it all. Ryan’s audition for Simon’s soon-to-be-vacated spot needs to be over already. Listen y’all, it has gotten so bad, I may have to quit watching just to shut up that smirking moralizing insidious voice. And as long as I’m gonna be honest, what the hell was up with the hard-sell for Usher’s new CD? Use to be that just being the celebrity guest on the show would be all that was necessary, but not now apparently. Ryan is acting like Idol is another extension of his top 40, I-wish-I-was-Dick-Clark radio show. Funny that we’re right back to to telling Ryan to STFU!! I better take my own advice and get off this topic before I have some massive coronary.

I would not walk through the fire or any other place to hear that shrieky, dare I say it, pitchy mess again. It was made worse by Ryan’s re-polling of the judges…and that outfit. The ex actually liked this mess which is odd given that despite all the ex’s many, many faults, music appreciation is not one of them.

In the past I’ve said it really doesn’t matter if this boy can sing because he’s just so easy on the eyes. So, in an effort to be “all about the music” I closed my damn eyes for this performance! This child can sang!! I mean, ok, he’s not bad. It’s not like he makes me want to get up and shout like I’ve been to revival meeting down at grandmomma’s church in the bayou, but, he’ll have a nice career in Vegas!

Big Mike
The ex seems to be in a parallel universe tonight which was much like our relationship. We seem to look at the same damn thing and hear something totally different. It’s become passe! Here’s the deal, everybody loved this quite stunning performance, everyone except for the ex whose skin crawls at the very mention of BM’s name. I think it’s got to be partly because of the way this child pucker’s his lips and stuff…it’s off-putting!

What becomes of broke down sangers on Idol? They wave buh-bye!

I have done a search of the inter-webs and can find nothing about “teflon tim” except from a news article where, get this, Ryan was quoted as calling him such. Ryan, STFU! Poor Tim looks like he’s trying to squeeze piglets out his ass, either that or he’s high as a kite on that sh*t that keeps people up for days and days on end. I’d like to say he’ll go home, but he won’t. He’s like a bad rash that just won’t go away.

Finally, no one mentioned the name of that number he killed back in Hollywood! Came close, but didn’t do it! YAY! Again with Ryan needing to STFU! I mean seriously Ryan, some constructive criticism for you!! Simon knows what he’s talking about and you, YOU DON’T! So, STFU! Loved Andrew’s remake of Chris Brown’s Doublemint Gum song! YAY! He’s baaaack!

Chain of boring fools is more like it!

Thanks Lee!!! BTW, what is walking pneumonia? I always thought it was something really old people got. Anyway, didn’t seem to affect this amazing performance! Love that he’s starting to feel confident although the Professor’s roomie thinks it’s coming across as a little too self-possessed. Hmmmm…poor child can’t win for losing!

No gee-tar and in stilettos…geezis, what’s this world coming to?! But really, this child could walk about bare-ass-nekid and slay it! She could play whatever instrument tickled her fancy and slay it! She just slays it period! The ex and I are in absolute agreement that this child has winner written all over her! Both Kara and Ryan need to STFU!

Where did this child come from all the quick sudden? Agree with Simon that this was not the best rendition we’ve heard on Idol of this song…but it was a damn site better than anything he’s done to date.

Ok kids, that’s all I got. Unlike Ryan, I do know when to STFU!

Messin w/ my mind

March 2, 2010

Listen, by the time the Idol came on tonight, I’ll be honest, I had already pounded a goodly portion of a bottle of very expensive Pinot Noir in an effort to create a new and improved Drunk Paula drinking game for all y’all degenerates who feel the need to tipple a few in an effort to block out some of the caterwauling that parades itself across our tee vees. And boy howdy was there ever some caterwauling. Now listen y’all, I’m gonna hope you can make a little sense of my thoughts here cuz lord knows, given the mess I’ve got to work with and my slightly pickled brain, that could prove to be a bit on difficult side.

Big Mike
It’s a Man’s World
Oh Lawd y’all, Big Mike may give the impression of being a manly, man’s man, but with all that pressing of pint-sized metrosexual Ryan Seacrest AND the fact that home-boy loves him some thee-a-tah, one could be excused for thinking something otherwise. Big Mike opened up the show like a show should be…with some pizazz and some pursing of the lips in a manner that made ya wanna reach through the tee-vee screen and do something naughty with ’em.

John Park
I just don’t feel connected to the technically good performances this purdy young man from Chicago via Korea puts on. And that’s all there is to say about this one…except of course that when Simon said he thought this might be the end of the road, he hadn’t yet heard Todrick, Jermaine or Tim Urban.

Casey James
I Don’t Wanna Be
I don’t wanna hear this song again. It’s been done up and did over by every boy who imagine themselves to be the second coming of Mr. DeGraw who we all know has not even excited stage left. Enough already! But sweet jeezis, this boy is purdy to look at!

Alex Lambert
Everybody Knows
Lawd jeezis, this child with that mullet sangs in such a manner as to put impure and improper thoughts in my head.

Todrick Hall
What’s Love Got to do With it?
There really aren’t any words for this mess that paraded itself on our screen. Despite those unnaturally white teeth and spectacular eyes, there really ain’t anything goin on here that would cause me to do anything more than throw up a little in my mouth. Sweet jeezis what a mess!

Jermaine Sellers
What’s Goin On?
The only thing goin on for this freaky-deaky dude was that onesy which we promptly went and ordered for ourselves about two seconds into this revolting performance. Heck, we didn’t even both to hear what the judges had to say because frankly it couldn’t have been good…hell, even Drunk Paula couldn’t have made lemonade out of that sour-ass mess.

Andrew Garcia
You Give Me Something
Chills! That’s what this child gives me! Chills running the full length of my spine. I am in love with this child’s voice! Lawd jeezis! Agreed that it wasn’t the best song for this child, but ohhhhhhh lawd. I swooned!!!

Aaron Kelly
My Girl
Really? The good Pharmacist (who you’ll remember from season’s past as the ex who sometimes manages to bribe the guards outside the gate to my casa high in the hills above Hollywood so as to slip in and watch this farcical show) said this child will grow up to be a homosexual. I’m not a fan of the song, the performance or this sixteen year old child (and really, must we be reminded that he’s sixteen…huh?!).

Tim Urban
Come On Get High
I said to the Professor, that I needed to be high to get through this gawd-awful performance and frankly wanted to do as the song suggested and drown myself so as to get that putrid sound out of my ears. Thank the gawds for Miss Ellen suggesting this child should be on Glee…lawd, I wet myself from laughing over that one!!

Lee Dewyze
Lips of an Angel
Now really, there is no reason for this child to be pissing-himself-nervous. He’s just that good! Ok, not quite as good as Simon seems to imagine (hello, did anyone else see the major boner that Simon got when the Dewyzzle was belting out this little ditty), but still, this child can sing and has a commercial sound that would make an angel cheat on the gods.

It is my personal, but utterly meaningless opinion, that we’ve seen the last of Toadrick, Onesie and the boy from Glee. Well, in reality, one of them will stay around and if I had to choose which one of the three it would be, well, I just can’t. So, let’s have poll, which two of these three deserves the boot more?

Straight up disappointment

February 24, 2010

Listen, the Professor straight up brought the school house down with the lesson on boys and crying (it’s the rising estrogen levels, but don’t ask me how I know that…). So there’s just not much more I can add. Except you know me, there’s always something more I can say…

Here’s the deal, I watched a parade of near talentless (judging by their performances last night) boys who couldn’t stand out in a karaoke bar if they were the only patron in the dang place. There were some notable exceptions…

Those exceptions were the last three guys…Casey, the modelicious guy that caused some weird meltdown over at the judges table and the guy I waited all night to hear. I just love me some Andrew Garcia. I have since his first audition. Not only does he have a great story that just warms the cockles of my heart, but he’s got a voice that makes me want to be a stalker! Listen, his first audition rocked it! Then, in Hollywood week he straight up stole my heart and made me love Paula Abdul for reasons other than her drunken inappropriate behavior. Which is why I was all the more disappointed in his performance tonight. Don’t get me wrong, it was good…the best of the night…but it wasn’t up to the bar he’s already set.

Now listen, notes are coming in from around the world wondering about this dearth of talent that is stinking up the airwaves right now. I’ve got a call into that metrosexual of all metrosexuals to get to the bottom of this. We’ll see if I get a straight answer.

For now, we keep watching. For how much longer is anyone’s guess!