Saying goodbye to Casey

May 18, 2010

Tonight’s the night we start the long goodbye for the boy from Cool, that cool boy Goldilocks. I know. I know, y’all haven’t even voted, but y’all know who’s going home, so let’s not beat round the bush as my great-grandmother use to say before departing to her great ole plantation in the clouds. Goldilocks don’t really hold a candle to them other two. You know and I know it.

Casey
Ok it’s alright with me
Well, I don’t think there’s a better way to start off your farewell show. “Well this isn’t going great for you is it?” Simon’s a funny-ass little man ain’t he y’all?!

Daughters
In case you were wondering, Casey’s going home. He knows it. You know it. I know it. I thought it sucked. And listen, STFU Kara!! Just sayin!

Momma Sox
Come to my Window
Well say hello to my little friend…winner! Listen, this child could come to my window and croon this or any other number any damn time she wants! Momma sox waved goodbye to Casey a long-ass time ago.

Maybe I’m amazed
Oh sweet jeezis this chick rocked it. Maybe I’m amazed!!!!

Lee
Simple Man
Lawd, there weren’t nothin simple bout this man and his performance. Kara doesn’t often say anything worth listening to, but yeah, Round 1, totally goes to Lee.

Hallelelujah
Damn. Damn. Damn y’all we got us a competition. Lord this child…well the only appropriate word, “Hallelujah!” jus like they did at camp meeting when the “fire fell!” White hankey kind of night!!
Woo Hoo!

And there you have it, the first part of Casey’s farwell show. Every damn boy already knows the results. I think I’ll not even watch. I mean, we know yeah?! Well if you don’t you should!


Delusions of Grandeur

May 11, 2010

Listen, I’m tired as hell thanks to a trans-continental flight that has left me somewhat exhausted and definitely bitchy. I am not in any kind of mood to deal with that bubble-headed mic-jockey or listen to sanctimonious pricks hiding behind their coca-cola glasses and I’m for sure not in the mood to listen to musical forgery passed off as genius by four wanna be “artists.” I whole-heartedly agree with the Professor’s mother who said she has reached the “apex of ennui.”

Lee sucked! Sorry but he did!

Big Mike kinda sucked. The choir was a nice touch that didn’t really pay off. The whole freeing of the willies discussion made me ever so uncomfortable and, like Simon, so confused.

Oh yay, a duet with Lee and Momma Sox. Bigger YAY that it didn’t suck! Although whoever said it was “relevant” just dropped their pocket-book and let their “real” age pop out.

Goldilocks looked live a giant robotick dork. Couldn’t get past that weird bobbing of the head to actually listen. Major FAIL!

Momma Sox rocked one of my favorite highschool tunes. This child straight up twisted Kenny Loggins number into somethin that was in fact, relevant. This chick’s better’n all right!

And to follow that masterful performance we are given dueling musical vom. Oh hell, I can’t even watch. Y’all saw that mess that seemed like it would last ev-AHHHh. On the plus side, it was nice to finally know Ellen has loved a woman.

That’s all I got.


Rat Pack Swag

May 4, 2010

The music of Ole Blue Eyes as seen through the masterful lens of Harry Connick, Jr. Wow! That should mean an amazingly great night. Of course the first tease I saw had that Douchstress of Awful, Kara D. blathering on about Rat Pack Swagger which made me vom just a little in my throat. I’m hoping like hell that’s not a bad omen (and you know how those of us from the Big Easy believe in our omens). Well, no time to get caught up in that flight of mental idiocy. My LA Lakers are bouncing their balls all over the court in an effort to win some sort of ball handling championship and little Aaron aka “Big Mike” is on deck.

Aaron
Fly Me to the Moon
I mean, it’s hard to eff up when you got Harry on the keys. Big Ellen said “beautiful” vocals. Like that. Kara just drones on and on. Ok look, this wasn’t over-the-moon great for me, but it might’ve been enough.

Casey
Blue Skies
Already loving the look tonight. I mean drooling over the look tonight. But it ain’t about looks, how’s the sound? Oh SH*T!! Well, here’s the positive, um, um, well I loved the first and last notes. Plus, he looks H. O. T. So, you know, there’s that.

Momma Sox
Summer Wind
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. I just don’t have any other…WAIT, WTF is Randy saying?! WTF are these judges smokin???

Big Mike
The Way You Look Tonight
I don’t mean to be mean but, geezus crackatoa, this guy and his performance made me want to projectile vom. Again, WTF is Randy smokin? Oh hell, can Simon bring reality? No! Dis-Gus-Ting!!

Lee
That’s Life
Oh damn, bringin out the organ…lawd y’all I’m back home in the bayou…oh hell y’all…bring out tha white hanky! This white boy just brought down tha damn house!!!! That’s life y’all!!

Now listen here y’all, I’m feelin my roots somethin feirce and still kinda groovin to the sounds of my [misspent] youth. I’m also wondering how the heck Lady GaGa and Harry Connick, Jr. gonna make one cohesive “get your ass off the stage” show.


From this moment

April 27, 2010

At least one of us here at Idol Chatter has been a fan of Miss Shania Twain for so long we can barely remember a time when we weren’t. Living on the prairie in the middle west, she was the soundtrack that bumped and grooved us on more nights than we care to think about. Grooving in our candy-apple red Firebird (you know, the one with the phoenix painted in gold on the hood and with t-tops). Cutting school and headin out to play some football, we boys would throw off the top, pile into ole bessie and scream at the top of our lungs, “man, I feel like a woman…” Oh lawd, what were we thinking. The many children we’ve gone on to have between us would be horrified to think of their daddies behaving in such a decidedly bizarre manner. But lawd y’all, did we ever have fun. And right down to the last one of us, we were in love, love, love with Miss Shania Twain. So it did our hearts a heap load of good to see this mistress of country meets pop as our “mentor” for the evening. And, can we just make note here that when it comes to mentoring, Miss Twain did NOT disappoint!

Lee
You’re still the one
Ok, Lee just opened up tonight’s show way strong!! WOW!! Loving him so much right now. Momma Sox better watch her back!

Big Mike
It only hurts when I’m breathing
Most of the time lately I can say it only hurts when he’s singing. Today it didn’t hurt as much, however, by the time the show ended a few minutes ago and I started putting on the final touches to this bit, I had forgotten what he performed or in fact that he even had performed. Not a good sign.

Casey
Don’t
Don’t stop! Please, don’t stop! Lord y’all, tonight we fell in love with Goldilocks all over again and this time, it was NOT because he’s as dreamy as the sun glistening off of a heavenly body in one of those Bain de Soleil commercials. Simon was right to send Goldilocks down to physically accost Miss Twain.

Crystal
No one needs to know
Why has this child’s boyfriend (who by the way is just cute as a button) not stepped up and done the dang thing already. Huh? I am actually in love with this child’s falsetto which we have not heard before. Yes, this was not her best performance, but still, it was in a league all by itself…again.

Aaron
You’ve got a way
For the first time this entire season, I hit the rewind button on my remote and watched a number again (and yes, again). I have thought this child wasn’t really all that great, but tonight I fell in love. I thought of my own momma and thought “what a great tribute.” And then I thought, “damn Ellen, you right, how are we gonna pick?!”

Siobhan
Any man of mine
Poor song selection! And again I’m struck with the thought “why do these judges like this little trollop so much?” She wrecked and ruined one of the numbers we use to bellow out the top of our Firebird from back in the day on the prairie in the middle west. I do NOT like this child and will discuss her no more.

Tomorrow night’s gonna be difficult. Not that I don’t have my least favorite’s all picked out:

# 1 – Siobhan
# 2 – Big Mike
# 3 – Aaron (although not based on tonight’s performance)


Smoke ’em if ya got ’em

April 20, 2010

We here at Idol Chatter have always been a little partial to that holiday of the gods, aka 420. As you’ll remember from season’s past, that Farmacist, Dr P Haze, has been known to provide herbal remedies to help cope with some of the less than stellar performances we’ve been subjected to over the seasons. So, in honor of this holiday, we raise our piece and pray to the gods that boutylicious songstress, that fabulous Miss Alicia Keys slips some elixer to these frauds begging for our votes. And we all pray that Ryan (“cocaine’s a helluva drug”) can medicate enough to make it through the entire show without the hysteronics that he pulled out his ass last week. Now let’s boldly toke together and [again] thank the gods for sending that goddess of sultry.

Casey
Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow
Same old. Same old. Blah. Seriously y’all, if you liked his performance two weeks ago, you liked it tonight. Why? Because they were the same. One-note wonderific!

Lee
The Boxer
This rendition of Simon & Garfunkle’s number was done up and did over to fit the modern day and boy howdy, did Lee deliver. We are not too medicated to recognize a masterful (for these frauds) performance when we hear one. This child apparently recognizes who his competition is and is doing his dangdest to throw some spike strips to slow her train.

Tim
Better days
There was nothing that indicated a better day was ahead EXCEPT…for the final note at which point we all breathed a huge sigh of relief that it was over and Tim was going home.

Aaron
I believe I can fly
Hope y’all are drinking seriously hard on this one with all that inappropriate arm waving going on. Jeezis. I sometimes believe I can cook but you won’t see me on Top Chef.

Siobhan
When you believe
I believe and have now acheived the miracle of projectile vomiting.

Big Mike
Hero
Can we watch him put on his fairy wings and fly away? Huh? Please? And can we also acknowlege that black does not slim everyone…especially when you’re poured into them.

Momma Sox
People get ready
I’m ready to crown mamma sox the winner. Stunning. No other words are necessary. Yep, “just thank the lord!” BTW…some people might say the mic stand from home looked an aweful lot like a hooka. Just sayin.

Tomorrow night we’ll have to listen to Ryan beg for our money so we can “give back.” It always makes me wonder why he can’t just give some of his own personal fortune he gets from Idol and then shut the hell up (again…”cocaine’s a helluva drug”). But as we all know, that would be asking too much. Don’t forget to add time to your DVR! Night y’all!


Saved

April 13, 2010

As all three of us who still watch Idol religiously know, last week the judges pulled Big Mike from the miry clay of rejection and set his feet on the solid ground of salvation. And, natch, they did it unanimously. We, all three of us, were much less thrilled with this rather stupid stunt and aren’t sure whether the “big save” was more like salvation or torture. Be that as it may, we’ve gotten over the conviction that was felt by some (resulting in said salvation) and have moved on to this week where two someone’s will pay the price for said salvation. Maybe it’s just me, but do I sound a little like I’ve gotten lost in campmeeting-speak hell?

Tonight salvation is coming in the forms of those two wonderful bad boys; Elvis, who you’ll be thrilled to know I’m [distantly] related to and Adam Lambert, who I’m not. Assuming these kids we sometimes call sangers, can manage to capture the spirit of Elvis as channeled through Adam, we might just be in for a dang good night. So, here goes…

Professor: Ryan said WHAT about Adam’s tongue being more talented?

Crystal
Saved

Professor: I figured it out. Ryan has become so incapable of expressing a single sincere thought that his every utterance, even the simple act of breathing, is an affront to our existence as a people.
JB: You’ve quite perfectly expressed my hatred of him. His voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Andrew
Hound Dog

Professor: Love Connie though.
JB: “how depressed is she that I’m her son?” HA!
Professor: The answer: not at all as she’s obviously rich and on lithium.

Tim
Can’t Help Falling In Love

JB: Yay for lithium! Why is Andrew sucking more each week and Tim sucking a little less?
Professor: I don’t know, but I’m ok with Tim’s tight shirts, so it’s a trend I’m willing too…er…embrace.
Professor: Also, Sue Sylvester should replace Simon next year.
JB: ROTFLMAO
JB: Wait, did you just see Tim’s “friend?” OMFG!!!
JB: “Zero to hero?” WTF is Simon smoking?

Professor: SMOKING H to the T. Simon is a pragmatist.
JB: You are right of course.

Lee
A Little Less Conversation

JB:You know, Lee is SO much like my brother…sounds like him, looks a little like him. Why isn’t my brother on Idol? Crazy!
JB: Is it me or does the crowd seem more energized than usual?
JB: And WTF is Paula Kara wearing?

Professor: Because Glee is there…

Aaron
Blue Suede Shoes

JB: Aaron did a great audition for Glee don’t ya think?
Professor: He looks like Jane Weidlin
JB: HA! Siobhan better NOT f*ck up one o my favs.

Siobhan
Suspicious Minds

Professor: Top of stairs reverse camera audience opening shot! DRINK!
Professor: Loved it! Still hate her!
JB: Right?! I forgot to say DRINK during all that inappropriate swaying when Aaron did whatever it was he did.
JB: I really can’t understand her!

Big Mike
In The Ghetto

JB: Brian Dunkleman should sue Ryan for that snarky comment!
Professor: Agreed! And why’n f*ck does the black contestant just so happen to sing the one Elvis song with “ghetto” in the title?
JB: Oh god…that was funny.
Professor: Was it the way I contracted “why in the” into why’n?
JB: Running out of time? They wouldn’t be if Ryan would learn to STFU!
Professor: Ryan should always shut up more!

Katie
Baby, What You Want Me to Do?

Professor: I think we missed Katie!
JB: We should drink more.
Professor: Also true
JB: She said horny!! Double drink!
Professor: Appropriate hand clapping! Raruty warrants a triple drink!!!! Down it!!

Casey
Lawdy, Miss Clawdy

JB: Ok, that whole baby talk thingy Ryan just did was creepy weird. Oh, and Casey’s much sexier with hair pulled back…woof.
Professor: He’s an Alien Microphone Monkey.
JB: I’ll drink to that. Andrew’s going home.
Professor: And Aaron
JB: yeah.
Professor: And Big Mike
JB: I’d love to see Big Mike go home.
JB: Geezus, what did Ryan take b4 the show?

Professor: I don’t know, but it’s not a depressant.
JB: Agreed.

Them’s our thoughts. Who you think’s goin home?


Finally, it gets good

March 16, 2010

The actual show begins!  This is my 2nd favorite Idol night…The final 12 performers is the big stage and whole (or almost whole) songs.  The only thing better is top 6 when they perform twice per show.  I like that because they can screw up and then totally redeem themselves.  Or, more interestingly, kill the first one and then screw it up by bombing on the second.

First things first – I drink wine when I watch this show as it’s the only way to retain my sanity.  Now that we can’t play “Drunk Paula“, we need a new way to play.  So, I have “Yo, check it out”, “Pitchy”, “inappropriate swaying or clapping”, or  “anyone crying” for a toast, and you have to drink your whole drink when Ellen has absolutely nothing positive to say.

Rolling Stones night, so let’s jump right in –

Big Mike – Meh.

/Ryan approaching the Judges’ Table / Scripted exchange with
Simon was STUPID

Didi – Meh.

/Ellen “You made ‘Fire’ a two-syllable word…”  Um, Fire is a two syllable word.

Casey – Reminds me of those Old Navy commercials.  He’s “aight’, he sings, but he absolutely does not perform.  Decidedly wooden.

Lacey – SO BAD.  Can not believe she’s even on the show.

Andrew Garcia – “I thought he was going to be a Custodian”?  Wow.  Go back and check out what Moms wore on National Television.  Red Pant, Leopard Print Shirt and Wig.  Fabulous.  Too bad he was so bad it hurt.  I mean, there’s no way you’re going to one up Mick, but he wasn’t even trying.

/Randy – PITCHY!  Drink!

/Ellen – “What do I know?  It’s your best performance.”  Basically, you know nothing, Ellen, because it wasn’t.

/Kara – In her first salient critique, reminded everyone that the song was about the Vietnam War and was expecting more intensity.

/Simon – What do you want him to do, come on stage with a Tank?  LOVE SIMON.

Katie – She said “Pitch” in her bio.  Drink!  UM.  WTF is she wearing?  The halo light for seriousness doesn’t make good friends with frizzy hair.  The lighting director should’ve stopped that from happening.  She sounds really strained and boring, as though the two were possible to be at the same time, and yet here we are.

*Enough with the studio-planted audience members swaying hands and clapping to every song, even songs where it’s wholly inappropriate.  It’s false and annoying.

/Randy PITCH!  Drink!

/Ellen – PITCHY!  Drink!

/Kara – It was better than last week.

/Simon – “You lost the emotion” – Well said.

Tim Urban – Under my thumb.  I hate his hair.  Oh, and everything else about him.  I mean, not everything, but, wait…yes, everything.  The serious a capella bridge with the Reggae beat was really bad.

/Kara – Twice now has said “I totally get what the guys are saying”.  Stop saying that.   Ellen’s not a guy.  Stop saying that.

/Simon – “It was a crazy decision.”  Well, so was bringing his lame ass back.  Anybody miss Alex Lambert yet?  Cuz at least he could sing.

Siobhan Magnus – Paint in Black.  Drama packed and started by sitting on the stairs.  More inappropriate clapping.  It wasn’t terrible actually.  The screech at the end nearly forced an aneurysm.  She sang ok other than that, but did a great job performing actually.  I was pleasantly un-annoyed.

/Ryan – “You look…stunning.”  Felt like he meant it.  She did look pretty good, so good on Ryan.

Lee Dewyze – Beast of Burden.  Is he crying?   I don’t care, he is the best so far tonight and I would really like to hear some old Bob Seger.  Consistent, not flashy, I think he killed it.

/Kara – “…It’s not as PITCHY!”  Drink!

/Simon – Made Lee cry even more.

Paige Miles – Honky Tonk Woman.  Now this is a song you clap to.  And WOW!  Where did she come from?  Wrecked it.  Sounded great, looked fantastic.  Kinda funny watching her sing the lyrics, which were reversed because she’s a girl, when she got to the line “…he blew my nose and then he blew my mind…” right after her Church story.  Nice unintended juxtaposition, A.I.  I don’t really think that she knows what that lyric means.

Aaron Kelly – Angie.  Again with the stairs.  New hair looks fantastic.  I like this.  More inappropriate arm swaying…Drink!  He sounds really good.  Letter perfect execution vocally, but he needs to move around a little more, but that’s trivial.   He killed it.

/Ryan – “How difficult was it for you to connect with and learn.”  Really stupid question, Ryan, even for you.

Chrystal Bowersox – Her Dad crying wins the bio contest.  D  Janis Joplin, Bonnie Raitt and Melissa Etheridge reinvented.  Fabulous.

/Simon – “…you need to go out there every time and kill it.”

Well said.

Prof.


Straight up disappointment

February 24, 2010

Listen, the Professor straight up brought the school house down with the lesson on boys and crying (it’s the rising estrogen levels, but don’t ask me how I know that…). So there’s just not much more I can add. Except you know me, there’s always something more I can say…

Here’s the deal, I watched a parade of near talentless (judging by their performances last night) boys who couldn’t stand out in a karaoke bar if they were the only patron in the dang place. There were some notable exceptions…

Those exceptions were the last three guys…Casey, the modelicious guy that caused some weird meltdown over at the judges table and the guy I waited all night to hear. I just love me some Andrew Garcia. I have since his first audition. Not only does he have a great story that just warms the cockles of my heart, but he’s got a voice that makes me want to be a stalker! Listen, his first audition rocked it! Then, in Hollywood week he straight up stole my heart and made me love Paula Abdul for reasons other than her drunken inappropriate behavior. Which is why I was all the more disappointed in his performance tonight. Don’t get me wrong, it was good…the best of the night…but it wasn’t up to the bar he’s already set.

Now listen, notes are coming in from around the world wondering about this dearth of talent that is stinking up the airwaves right now. I’ve got a call into that metrosexual of all metrosexuals to get to the bottom of this. We’ll see if I get a straight answer.

For now, we keep watching. For how much longer is anyone’s guess!


Silver Lining

February 24, 2010

Hello All and welcome to the “At least they got one thing right” portion of our show.  I’m the Professor and here’s what didn’t suck about last night’s craptacular shift into actually being a singing competition.  Before I bring you those tasty nuggets of wisdom, let us recap what was wrong:

Sucked:

  • Ellen liking everybody and everything.  I’m not saying to be mean, but c’mon already.  They need to know when they suck so they can’t say they didn’t know they sucked the next time they go on stage and suck again.  I’m well aware I just used “suck” 3 times in the same sentence.   
  • Ryan Seacrest continuing to suck in oxygen.  Our latest “I’m crazy and have lots of money” fake rumor:  Ryan is filling the void left by Michael Jackson and had a penile enlargement pump custom-built to 7 foot tall and 4 foot in diameter.  Right before the Live show, he stands inside it and has Randy Jackson and Big Mike take turns jumping on the ball-pump.  If he does it right, he’ll be tall enough to ride the Screamin’ Eagle at Six Flags by Summer.
  • Standing on the balcony and cheering for other contestants.  You don’t want THEM to do well, because YOU want to win, so why force them to cheer for each other, Idol Producers?  It’s a competition!  They should trip people when they walk down the stairs, hold their ears and wince in pain when they attempt (and fail…or rather SUCK trying) to hit big notes and talk smack about each other when they’re sitting on the Coke couch instead of talking about their kids (I don’t care), their Alzheimer’s-ridden Grandmother (I don’t care and neither does she) or that it’s “What I’ve been waiting for my whole life!”  Girl please, you’re 16.  Talk to me when you’re 40 and signing at the Holiday Inn off route 9 on Wednesdays and Fridays.  THEN you can be waiting for something “your whole life”.

What didn’t suck:

  • Once the judges looked around and realized that a hair and makeup Tasmanian drunkard named Paula wasn’t there, they unclenched and (OMG) actually started to give useful advice!  I was FLOORED when they agreed to disagree politely and Professionally without all of the hitting and “Shut Up”s.  Randy sounded for the first time ever like he actually might know a thing or two about a thing or two.  Simon was his usual abrasive self, but about halfway through the show, he actually said what they might try next time to do better!  I almost passed out.  Kara needs to stop with the eyeliner and the enthusiasm.  My issue with Ellen is above, so I won’t double-dip on her here.  The hand thing with Simon at the beginning of the show was extra-CHEESY and reminiscent of something they would’ve done in season 3 or 4, like the “Paula & Simon staged make out session in front of a fireplace” offered the unique, never-before-felt sensation of giggling uncontrollably while vomiting.  That’s a difficult trick to pull off, but leave it to the Idol Producers.  This “hand on knee” action is but a remnant, forcing me only to throw up a little in my mouth while snorting.  More singing, less vaudeville.
  • Speaking of singing, yes they all kind a sucked, but you miss my point:  they ALL kind of sucked, which means that they’re evenly matched.  This bodes well for later in the competition, when some of them stop sucking and start to pull away from the rest of the group.  In previous years, the front-runners were pretty obvious at this stage, because of the relative “suckosity” of the remaining contestants.  To be more succinct, it’s anybody’s game (except Siobhan Magnus, who needs to just…stop.  Make her stop.  Pull your Ford Fusion Hybrid to the side of the road, punch Kris Allen in the face for being Kris Allen, pull out your ATT mobile device and text the words “STOP SUCKING” to Idols07.  Regular Tex-Mex rates apply.
  • Superiority Complex.  I have one.  It is STRONG.  It is fed by the suckitude of the contestants and it’s been a year since I unleashed the snark within.  It’s hungry and needs to be fed.  No other show can feed the beast, it must be American Idol.  Sherlock Holmes has his Moriarty.  The White Spy has his African-American Spy.  Jon Stewart has Glenn Beck and the Professor has……………..American Idol!

Prof.

P.S.  Do you think Ryan gets drunk and does that annoying pause thing to torture the people he pays to be his friends?  I can imagine them in a bar  and him telling the waiter “I’ll have a 7……………………and 7!”  And his friends all laugh like it’s the first time he’s ever done it, and the waiter smiles because he wants a big tip and under the makeup and self-bronzer, Ryan dies a little inside?  Or is it just me?


The Final Countdown

May 19, 2009

Now listen here kids, I am not in any kind of mood to be dealing with any sass from you about what I’m fixin to say! I’m just not! Don’t have it in me! I’m tired, my damn driver is stuck in some sort of traffic and I have a very early appointment with one very strict personal trainer who is going to work me over until I turn into some sort of wet noodle like humanoid. So, no, I’m just not interested in hearing about it from the likes of you!

First off, because of the good Farmacist’s apparent interest in this season of Idol and, as a [very generous] reward for having made the first ever votes, I traded favors like no tomorrow and scammed and scored two tickets to tonight’s little shindig at the NOKIA.

As luck would have it, right next door, my hometown team the Lakers were bouncing a little orange ball around a hardwood floor in a hard-fought victory over Carmello and his Nuggets. Now listen kids, I know that we won because I’ve been checking the scores out between performances. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about what went on in the damn NOKIA tonight!

First off, the judges actually gave a sh*t about their appearance. Except for Paula who looked like she had been left outside just a little too long and was fried up in a shade that would make my chef damn proud were he cooking up fried shrimps (a favorite around my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood).

Second, there were a sh*t load of screaming MO-RONS in the damn NOKIA! My head probably would have been in a better shape had I traipsed over to the Staples Center and had Kobe bounce his ball all over me.

And third, Kara SU,UUUUUCKS!

But really, we’re here to see who the hell did the damn thing already and wrapped up this little competition. Now, Guy-Liner did not win the coin toss and, like the quiet, but uber-smart child that he is, Kris banished him to perform first. So, let’s talk about these performances.

Adam
Mad World
Change Is Gonna Come
No Boundaries

Reprising one of his better performances from this past season, Adam came out in full on Marilyn Manson regalia and damn near brought the house down. Kids, this child is a performer from the word GO! With the hair and the eyeliner, the jacket and that damn dry ice sh*t damn near sickening me from my perch just a little too close to the stage, it was just something else! He performed this number even better than earlier in the season.

Now for the second number, Simon someone or other, the old geezer now in charge of running this pompous show, plucked out of his well-worn tall hat a little Sam Cooke number! And lawd kids, this child damn near sang this song to perfection! Woo, I will say this is the best I have EVAH heard this child perform! The real question is, did it get my vote. Winner of Round 2!

For his third number, this child was forced, yes, forced to perform the winner’s next “single!” What a farcical load of sh*t-balls this song was. Just one of the many reasons why I think Kara de’shoot me now needs to get the hell off the stage. Hell, not one damn judge (well, except herself of course) had a nice word for this song! PU-UKE! Neither child will be judged or graded on how they perform this number! HELL TO THE NO!

Kris
Ain’t No Sunshine
What’s Goin On
No Boundaries

Now listen here kids, I was hopin and a praying that I would get to see little Mr. Hot-Stuff perform that ditty he did last week that just sent me and the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, into a voting frenzy. But you know, I’m just damn glad he didn’t. That song is still fresh in my mind, but, I had forgotten about “Ain’t No Sunshine!” Damn, Damn, Damn! This child done rang my bell! I have TiVo’d this little number and will watch when I get home. I have also purchased from the iTune’s store – a place I don’t like, but frankly couldn’t help but visiting! Grouchy old Simon was right, Kris took Round 1 hands-freakin-down!

This Simon guy must have been feeling nostalgic for the “good old days” when he was a youngster as he picked a Marvin Gaye classic for baby-boy Kris. And, Kris did all right on this performance. Frankly, Randy was right, it was not quite a big enough song for that big old theater. But, it wasn’t nearly as bad as Simon said. I could give a f*ck less what the other two judges thought.

Lawd kids, this dumb b*tch Kara has rambled on and on acting like she’s she queen sh*t around this pompous-ass show tonight. Given the “reception” that the audience gave this song tonight (don’t know how it translated onto the telly), she should go hide her head in shame. We LAUGHED out loud as this disaster of a “single” and could give neither Kris nor Adam an advantage based on this damn song!

Now listen, I’m STILL sitting in some f*cked up traffic and I ain’t happy about it. The good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, has been self-medicating and is snoring like a damn grizzly bear. I just wanna climb into bed already! Tomorrow night, we’ll find out who is taking home the whole enchilada. In truth though, these two are mighty fine performers and will have long and successful careers ahead of them. While we’ve got our favorite here at Idol Chatter, we won’t be disappointed whatever the outcome! Which, in our minds, is perhaps what makes this the best season of Idol ever!