Country-Fried Duo

May 24, 2011

Listen kids, we are down to the final two and good golly miss molly, how crazy it has turned out to be. I mean really, who’d have thunk at the very beginning of one of the most talented pool of sangers we’d be treated to the two youngest, perhaps not as vocally gifted two of the entire pack…and they both are pure country. Lawd-a-mercy y’all, ain’t that something else? And so there ya have it, Baby Lockthemdoors, who we all know will win, and that little plush cushion, Little Miss Lauren Alaina.

Now as if that weren’t strange enough, at some point this afternoon I received a covert communication from one of my well-placed (but unnamed sources) over at the Nokia, who said “grab hold of yer britches, cuz it looks like Little Miss Lauren Alaina is kerput for the season!” As if that wasn’t enough, that pretty little blond chick who had the unfortunate misfortune of landing on her derrier had been tracked down and brought to the theater to take the place of the “I cain’t saaaang, I’ve lost my voice” Miss Lauren Alaina. Well, I nearly fell off of my stool in shock and awe!! Of course, I shoulda known better…this is American Idol where the use of performance enhancing drugs is not banned as it is in every other damn sport. So, that pretty little plush cushion, Little Miss Lauren Alaina has been pumped full of drugs and is so high she doesn’t hardly know where she’s at, but y’all, she’s gonna SANG! Woo-Damn-Hoo!!!

Tonight, of course, there will be three rounds – Round 1 will be the contestant’s favorite number from the season – Round 2 will be chosen by our finalists’ Idols (George Straight and Carrie Underwood) and then, of course, Round 3, that gawd-awful “first single” number should they win. Gee-whiskers y’all! What a night! Is Glee on yet?

Ok, first up (and after the “coin” toss) is Baby Lockthemdoors –

Baby Lockthemdoors
Well, if you gonna choose a number that shows off your pipes and performance skills, guess this would be the one. I ain’t gonna complain. I really don’t have anything else to say about this performance because, let’s get real, this child’s already won!

Check Yes or No (George Straight)
Go figure that Mr. Country (yes, Georgie-boy) decided to chose his own song for our little Baby Lockthemdoors to perform. I wish this was a good song choice, but for me it was about as lack-luster as any that our winner has done for the entire season. I’m non-plussed by this choice, by this performance and by the lack of judges commentary. Is Glee on yet?

I Love You This Big
Scotty’s first “single” was introduced by Jimmy Numnuts who vowed and declared that this was the ONE for Scotty. As with every season past, this number is just pathetic and didn’t do a damn thing to show off that amazing voice that we’ve come to love about Baby Lockthemdoors. I certainly wasn’t expecting much with this number and I was not disappointed…much to my disappointment. I did NOT love it “this big.”

Lauren Alaina
Flat on the Floor
Let’s first talk about that outfit – holy mary mother of buddha, what the hell was that thing? In fact, I’m still so stuck on that hideous choice of outfits that I can’t even begin to talk about the doped-up, yet strangely lack-luster performance. Maybe I’m just not a country fan. Is that it? Boring!

Maybe it was Memphis (Carrie Underwood)
Well, Memphis is damn near under-water so, this makes sense…I think. Once again I find myself totally hung up on this atrocious outfit. I mean, is this child trying to look like Wynona Judd? Having said that, I’m gonna give, by a hair, the second round to plush cushion.

Like My Mother Does
Well, let’s get out the mother vote! YAY for mom’s!! Mine is currently in the Philippines and I kinda miss her…ok, I miss her a lot. And yeah, I see mother all over me. So yeah, this was a markedly better number than they gave Baby Lockthemdoors. And, she looked pretty for the first time tonight. Hmmmm..suddenly I’m not sure if Baby Lockthemdoors has a lock on tonight. Of course, she was high as a kite when she sang it…something Steven Tyler knows ALL about! So, I ain’t hatin.

Well y’all…that’s it! The big night is over! Non-plussed is the word of the night! Is it because it’s all country tonight? Perhaps! I’m pullin for Baby Lockthemdoors just cuz he vibrates that voice and knows how to work the hell out of a stage! He’s a true pro that, in my humble and totally meaningless opinion, is maybe the male version of Carrie Underwood! Yeah, I said it!! Someone needs to! All right y’all…go vote!

In it to win it?

May 18, 2011

First off, let me just admit straight up that last week I got punked. I mean seriously, who’d’uv thunk that we would be sending that ever-so-slightly indulgent hometown boy James Durbin home. Listen, that child showed up to a 30k crowd in Santa Cruz and let me tell you, getting that many stoners and surfer off the couch and out of the water was a minor miracle. Anyway, I’m gone off the track all ready and since tonight is such a big night and all, let’s just get right down to brass tacks.

Mr. Metrosexual (aka Teeth aka Mic Jockey) has laid down the ground rules for this two hour show. First up will be Contestant’s choice. I’d expect a lot of country-fried steak happening in this one except that Bey has been brought in as the “mentor.” Now this stripper knows how to work a pole and look good doing it, but some, not saying me, but some, might suggest she’s slightly less than talented in the screeching department (Run The World Girls being exhibit A). Second will be Jimmy Numnuts which means that mostly we’ll expect nothing really at all that will be worthy of anything except “hey, my name’s Jimmy Numnuts and I’m a recording music god, bow down and lick my shoes” and of course everyone will because, well you know, he’s Mr. Numnuts! Third round will be Judges’ choice. Let’s just say, I’m laughing all ready. I mean, if season’s past are any indication, this round will be the most awful song selection, the most poorly performed of the night and the most lavishly praised. Yeah, you get the point!

Without further ado, let’s dive right into this mess!

Baby Lockthemdoors
Amazed (Contestant’s Choice)
Now listen here, I’m not much of a country-fried music fan, but I have always liked this Lonestar number. And I’ll be honest MY BOY ROCKED THE SH*T OUTTA IT!!!! There just ain’t nothing more to say! This child knows how to rock the heck out of a stage! Yup, this child chose wisely and is winning!

Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not? (Numnut’s Choice)
This child is a true artist! He’s got this sh*t dialed the heck in! Even Numnuts couldn’t eff it up! This child has a real chance of winning the show and this is exactly why! This child knows how to work a stage and work a song! Please though, NO, do NOT shave the head not even if the most beautiful woman in the world tells you to!

She Believes In Me (Judges’ Choice)
Seriously? You gave this child Kenny Rogers? Would he do it? Could he do it? Seriously, why am I even asking these questions. Duh! This child is “in it to win it!” Loved this performance!! Was it enough to put him in the finale? Let’s see what these little girls have for us!

Lauren Alaina
Wild One (Contestant’s Choice)
Let’s just say, I just forwarded right through this performance. Couldn’t care if she’s winning or not! What I do know is that she looked like she’d raided the crazy granny’s (from “Raising Hope” [mawmaw]) closet. Sweet gods and goodesses, what is up with those crazy lady flowers growing out her head? I mean, just the entire outfit screamed I’ve just left the single wide for a beer run to the piggly wiggly down at the one blinking stop light for twenty-five miles around. I do think it’s important that we all admit that Bey is rockin the hell outta that rock! Jay-Z sure does know how to pick out some bling! Funny, the judges all said she sucked in such a way that she thinks they said she rocked! Priceless! That is all!

If I Die Young (Numnut’s Choice)
Here’s the deal, this was not a real strong performance. In fact, I would call it a “safe” choice. Nothing too special. Exactly what I’d expect from Numnuts. The most exciting part of this performance was Ryan asking if he could rub “shimmer” on her legs which was just the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. There’s just nothing more to say. Another “not winning” performance from this child.

I Hope You Dance (Judges’ Choice)
Even before this child opened her mouth, I was bored. This child has been tossed softballs all night and has done nothing more than the most basic thing she should with them. It’s not that she has sounded awful tonight, no! It’s that she’s been boring and her “aw shucks” sensibility is just, well, played out. I’m gagged at the way the judges have just humped this child’s leg. Meh!

Haley Reinhart
What Is and What Should Never Be (Contestant’s Choice)
Look, this little girl was working the heck outta this performance when suddenly, she slid on her ass across the stage and came back up ON FIRE!!! This child WON this performance HANDS. EFFING. DOWN!! And with her dad playing the dang gee-tar as her back up!! I mean, how many ways can you say WINNING? HUH? Only one for me…HALEY!!!

Rhiannon (Numnut’s Choice)
Now this is exactly what I’d expect from Numnuts! Off all the Stevie Nicks’ song, why this one? Having said that, little Haley is having a NIGHT! Hawd DANG!!! J-Lo said it was an ethreal moment, no thanks to Numnuts! I’m giving this a win but, have to admit that Scotty took this round, which was exactly what Numnuts wanted.

You Oughta Know (Judge’s Choice)
What the eff were these judges thinking? Alanis Morrisette? Seriously? Well, I already called that these judge would eff this whole thing up and they have not disappointed. Having said that, this child worked it the eff out!!!!

Here’s the deal, Haley’s getting my vote tonight! Hands down! It seems like Numnuts and the Judges don’t want her in the finale which is just stupid!!! But whatever! Listen, Scotty and Haley are in my finale! I hope like hell y’all send boring ass Lauren Alaina how! You won’t, but a boy can dream!

And, with that, I’m off to vote for my girl!

Technical Difficulties

May 11, 2011

Due wireless connectivity issues at my little beach hut (and a neighbor’s birthday party…ok, mostly a neighbor’s birthday party), a recap of tonight’s American Idol show cannot be written…at least well.

I was able to see the portion where her holiness, our Lady of the GaGa, did some mentoring and hip moving with our final four. Unfortunately due to the technical difficulties, I can’t really talk much about the performances.

While I couldn’t watch the first part, the second, GaGa part, played out like this – Haley is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. James is pretty good. Baby Lockthemdoors is skating right along without blazing any new or interesting trails (we still love the vibration that comes from that child) and Lauren has reached the end of her honkey-tonk road (wave good-bye Lauren!).

And with that, I’m outta here!!

Dueces are wild!

May 4, 2011

Tonight, in an effort to fill up an hour and a half, but with only five remaining sangers, each were given two performances so as to show off their vocal chops. First, a contemporary number and then a “your momma and poppa’s generation” number. Listen y’all, I’m all kinds of tired after consuming a few too many cocktails last night then having to get up in the middle of the night to deal with a sick child who couldn’t find the bathroom and thought the shiny hardwood in my living room was the perfect place to lose dinner. I woke up all kinds of hung over and pissed off and am not in a good mood even at this moment so many hours later. I said all that to say that I am in no kind of mood to tolerate anything short of greatness.

So, having got that out the way, let’s get down to the business of singing…

First up…

James Durbin
Closer to the Edge
This was NOT one of his better performances. What I don’t get is why the judges were slobbering all over this performance. At this moment I so wish for the straight shooting that we would get from Simon. Indulgent came to mind. A few other things came to mind. Maybe he is “in it to win it” but I didn’t get it from this performance. I know there are those of you who accuse me of being too hard on this hometown boy, but he’s been growing on me…until this performance. Blah’sville for me!

Without You
The emotional aspect of this performance was pure perfection. Yeah, maybe he didn’t “slay” it and was “pitchy in a James Durbin kinda way”, but whatever. Amazing! And then out came dumb-dumb to ask the stupid follow-up questions and just killed it. Can’t we get rid of dumb-dumb? You know, stick some body part in his mouth and shut him the hell up?!

Jacob Lusk
No Air
He needed to have taken this number down about three octaves and then, maybe it might have been all right, but yeah, it didn’t work.

Love Hurts
In theory No Air should have been Jacob’s big number of the night and this one, this one should have been straight up busted. Instead, redemption!!!

Lauren Alaina
Flat on the Floor
This child straight up FINALLY brought it! Honestly y’all, for the very first time I actually felt like this little chicka didn’t give a f**** and just brought it down flat on the floor!!! BAM!

Un-Chained Melody
We hear this song every damn season and I’m SO over it! We ALL know it! I’m sorry, but this one fell flat for me. Also failing was tonight’s stylist. I mean seriously, who let’s a 16 year old girl come out in a see-through dress. The number was just wrong on so many levels.

Baby Lockthemdoors
First, what does Ryan know about little Scotty that the rest of us aren’t priviledged to know? Huh? I mean again with the Scotty-the-Body comment. Hmmmm… But yeah, whatevers. This kid has gotten kinda use to the big ole stage and worked it like a five dollar hooker at the rodeo! Listen this was HOT!! Talk about a performance!! Danced with the devil indeed!!!

Always on my Mind
I have to say, this one didn’t jump off at me nearly as much as I was expecting it too. I literally got goose bumps when when I heard it was this number but the delivery was not up to my expectations. My bad? Perhaps. Then again, tonight this child showed that he’s got some chops and you know, will be HUGE!!!

Haley Reinhart
You and I
J-Lo just dissed the hell outta Jimmy Iovine. Good for her! This was a pretty good track. Didn’t sound much like a Lady GaGa track and didn’t sound much like a Haley track. Still, it wasn’t in the bottom of the pack so there’s that!

The House of the Rising Sun
Oh SH*T!!!!! Got me cussin straight up!!!! With out a doubt the absolute best performance of the night! Wicked! Wicked! Wicked! There ain’t no misery when this child brings it and it was brought tonight! Beotcha done got my vote!!!! I’d also like one of the Valium she took right before the show!

Miss Lusk is going home tonight! Sorry, but she reached the end of the road. I really don’t know who I would put in the bottom with Miss Lusk. Maybe little Lauren based off that second number. Really, that’s about it.

Well y’all, that’s a wrap! The cards have been dealt but the end result is up to you, the wild card in this crazy little game. Go vote crazies!

Moving the Earth

April 27, 2011

Carole King wrote all sorts of great thoughts, including and especially about the earth moving under our feet. The big dog kinda went in a different direction saying something turning the other cheek. I don’t think he was talking bout Jesus though. Anyway, making the earth move or turning cheeks both bring thoughts about action and that is what tonight is supposedly all about.

Now straight-away it was obvious the Mr. Metrosexual was off his game. Some might attribute that to his little boy toy having been sent home last week, but whatever the reason, Mr. Man needed and asked for energy from an already energetic audience. Down-in-the-dumps Mic-Jockey tried revving things up by introducing that god-dess of music, Ms. Carole King but it wasn’t until pretty boy Babyface was trotted out as this week’s “mentor” that Ry-Ry turned all sunshine and love.

So listen, Carole King is a god! If you haven’t heard something fierce by her, then you’ve been off in some tuneless wasteland. Why the producers thought to bring on Babyface to bolster her street-cred is beyond me, but there he was. Frankly y’all, I got a little scared right from the get-go that all but one or two of these remaining six (winnowed all the way down from 125K per Mouth) would really be up to the challenge. First up…

Jacob Lusk
Oh No, Not My Baby
Wearing my yellow bed sheets and blue plaid bed spread, Miss Lusk propped herself up on a white baby grand pie-an-no and started caterwalling. Oh no indeed…

Lauren Alaina
Where You Lead
I asked last week whether this child was ready for the competition. I’m still asking that question. Certainly this child looked pretty as a Georgia peach and wasn’t it special to see teeny-bop and Disney starlet, Miley Cyrus but I think the back-up sangers kinda were better. I mean, really, wasn’t it all just a little boring and safe? And, WTF was up with the little boy she was pretend-like serenading? Am I getting too wrapped up in this? Perhaps. I’m done!

Haley & Casey
I Feel The Earth Move
So, I guess I forgot to mention straight up and from the get-go that tonight, not only were the contestants doing their thing, but they were also going to be paired up for some duets that would be judged but not voted on. Ummmm, ok. So, anyway, this turns out to be a good combination that we’ve heard before. I like these two and they certainly put on a great off-the-Vegas-strip lounge act with this one. It will not hurt either one of them.

Baby Lockthemdoors aka Scotty-the-Body
You Got A Friend
First thing to ask with Mr. HomoMetro-Sexual’s nick-name was, does somebody have a new contestant crush? Certainly something to think about. But, I’ve gotten myself distracted although given the way Baby Doors holds the mic, I could be excused for being distracted. Anyway, Alfred E Newman is winning, so, there’s no need to say anything else! I’ll be your friend!!!

James Durbin
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
James and Ryan caught themselves slobbering all over Baby Lockthemdoors and it was really kind of weird and slightly off-putting and frankly had me so confused that I missed the whole intro piece. I did hear the performance and it was sweet. Certainly I liked the child’s haircut so much better than week’s past. Yes, we’ll still be loving him tomorrow.

Lauren & Scotty
Up On The Roof
Why is Ryan always trying to make everything awkwardly sexual? Perhaps it’s because these two are singing about sneaking up on the roof and that only brings up childhood memories of me and roofs and well, it definitely got a little heated up there. Damn you Ryan, I’ve completely lost all concentration. I guess these two little country crooners sang all right, but I just can’t really tell you for sure.

Casey Abrahms
Seriously y’all, the boy just slays it for me! So did that girl blowin that horn!! HAWTNESS! Also pure HAWTNESS was the blonde sax player! Ding-dang-dong y’all! This child ate the freakin stage! NoLA shout out!!

Hailey Reinhart
Well, she looks beautiful! And she sings beautiful! I’m just not sure she sang this song beautifully! I was not particularly crazy about the start of this number or the middle but the wrap up was HAWT!!

Jacob & James
I’m Into Something Good
Well, this is one of the oddest pairings I think I’ve ever seen outside of…wait, oh never-mind…it’s the oddest pairing ever. Cuteness singing to the most beautiful woman in the world. But I wouldn’t say this song was in to anything remotely good. It was just all sorts of wrong. Thankfully Steven kept it real by wondering where the hell they were going with all “that.” I certainly kind of wanted to zone the hell out. LOL.

Ok, my bottom three includes Miss Lusk and Alurin Lauren as for who the third spot goes to, I have no freaking idea. I hate to say it, but could be Hailey but not because she sucked just because James, Casey and Mr. Doors are just that strong. And with that, I’m off to vote grab some ice cream and walk the dog thereby doin my own little bit of earth-moving.

Happy 420

April 20, 2011

Today kids is the day that we celebrate the elixer of the gods, that greenery that grows from the earth and provides both medicinal and recreational relief! In times past, we might have celebrated this most wonderful of days by lighting up and tuning out. Not today kids, not today! We do however want to raise our vaporizer and salute those of you who are already too bombed to know what the hell I’m talking about. You know who you are and we salute you!

We would like to say straight out that there have been seasons past where we have known without a doubt that the only way to get through the night of caterwalling that we were treated to was by packing a bowl into the bubbler and blazing away. Y’all know it’s true! We could not lie about this! This season though has turned out a bit better than some, despite the fact that we are still subjected to Mr. Metrosexual-of-Metrosexuals, that Mic Jockey, that “I wish I was Dick Clark so bad that I have prostituted myself all over Hollywood”, you know the “Seacrest out” guy. The performers though have been pretty damn good and for that we are extremely grateful.

But we aren’t here to talk about weed and greed! We certainly aren’t going to talk about the [timely] loss of Mr. Paul McDonald (we called it ya’ll!). We’re here to talk about the seven still vying for your vote. Now, tonight these kids are going to be singing songs they might actually know…you know, songs made popular this decade (Ryan calls it “songs of the 21st Century”). YAY! First though we are treated to some GD perfermance by the has-beens of this season. We don’t know the song and frankly, we wished we had never heard it…jeebus, joseephus and maribel…”nah nah nah, I wanna up-chuck my dinner now!”

Baby Lockthemdoors
We already know that Alfred E Newman has won the competition. It does not matter what he sings. He vibrates that voice all over us and we just turn over and act stupid. Thank the gods for J-Lo for keeping it real…WAIT, WTF did I just say? WTF did she just say? I’m a little bit lost…was this the first time one of the judges this season actually gave something akin to constructive criticism? Ummm, I’m gonna pretend like I didn’t hear that and go back to the vibrating and stupid part! YAY!

James Durbin
I’m OVER this guy…he and his “amazing” vision have left me a little nauseous. Sorry y’all. Fun crotch shot of Baby Lockthemdoors though! HA! I shouldn’t say I’m “OVER” this guy. Maybe, I just think he’s a little too ahead of himself. I mean really kiddo, you ain’t a rock star…YET!!! That’s not to say you won’t be. That’s not to say I won’t go pay to see you put on a show that we might all agree is almost amazing. But right at this moment…I just ain’t quite there. All of that being said, I did not hate this performance. In fact, I rather liked it better than his performance last week. Best of the night? Little too early to call that don’t ya think y’all?

Haley Reinhart
Rolling In The Deep
Oh lord y’all, this song absolutely describes my last relationship of many, many years and is absolutely in my top 3 tracks on rotation right now…when Adele sings it. The first thing I thought was, can this little chicka pull off the genius that is Adele and pull at my heart strings like Rolling does for me? DAMN STR8!!!! This little girl just rocked my world!! The “scars of your love…”

Jacob Lusk
Dance With My Father
Happy Birthday Mr. Luther Vandross!!! Who knew that his birthday was a holiday! Rough start for this child tonight but in a subdued and emotional way he brought it back and provided a beautiful, beautiful performance. Steven said that Miss Lusk reminds him why he loved music. Was it that good? I disagree with Randy who wanted the “church kid” back…I liked this kid tonight!!

Casey Abrahms
Harder to Breath
I just love Maroon5! I just love Casey! I just love Casey doing Maroon5! Frankly, I like this performance better than James! Casey connects with the crowd in a way that just sucks the air out the room and makes it hard to breath. I. Am. Breathless. Major bonus points for getting right in J-Lo’s face and singing the last few bars to her and then, yes, stealing that kiss! Dang boy!! Ate. The. Stage. Casey’s got ’em cussin tonight and bleep, bleep, bleep…HELL YEAH!!!! My favorite performance of the night!

Stefano Langone
Let’s clear something up right now, flirting with everything and anything that even has the remotest bit of estrogen does NOT make you straight! Stefano is about as straight as Ryan Seacrest is. Or any other of the Hollywood “ladies” men and their beards. I did not particularly like this performance. Loved when he performed Smokie Norful, but NeYo ain’t his thing and despite what the judges said, it just wasn’t a stellar performance and certainly not on par with James or Casey or hell, even Haley. He and Ryan make a cute couple don’t ya think, what with their tryna pretend like they ain’t really a thing. Awww…

Lauren Alaina
Born to Fly
Ok, let me digress just a quick minute, who the hell was playing the fiddle right at the very get-go of this twangy performance? Huh? I really wannt know cuz that hair, that face was kinda brutal and left me a little bit shaky in the knees…just a little. In fact, I’m so side-tracked that I’ve lost track of the song this little girl is attempting to massacre. This child apparently doesn’t challenge herself nearly enough…guess she’s not ready for the show? Huh? Is that what we’re saying? Cuz if it is, I ain’t gonna disagree!

Hate to say this, but Baby Lockthemdoors is in my bottom three as is Lauren and, sorry, but yeah, Stefano. Who you callin out? Ahhhright, smoke ’em if ya got ’em! Go hard or go home!


April 13, 2011

Listen, I’m just gonna wade right in. A whole bunch of y’all gagged a little after last week’s result show sent Pia Toscano home. I mean, never mind that perhaps the most technically proficient of this year’s contestants was also its most soul-less. Never mind of course that a whole bunch of y’all decided not to vote for her. I mean, none of that remotely matters, right?! Obviously the idiots at Idol screwed up like they do every year! And you know what I have to say about that? GAG!

Listen, Pia Toscano is gonna be just fine. She’s apparently made a love connection with that gay from over at Dancing With The Stars, Mark Ballas. Someone has reported that she’s already signed a recording contract with a big name studio, so, I mean listen, she gonna be just fine! Screw Idol! Right?! I mean, Jennifer Hudson did just that. Then again, she has a butt-load of soul.

Enough, yesterday is over. Today’s a new day! Let’s hear what movies are tickling these kids fancies.

Paul McDonald
Old Time Rock’n Roll
This child straight up looks like Elton John and Liberace had a love child. He dances like he’s spastic. And his voice is unique as hell. Still, it ain’t my cup of unique. Here’s the deal with this performance, it was perhaps his least unique performance and his least inspiring. He’s also been placed in the first slot. This does not bode well for this child. And I’m absolutely fine with that. Despite the judges blathering on about how wonderful this performance was, it was not winning! I gagged just a little!

Lauren Alaina
The Climb
This track made me gag the first time I heard it and every time I hear it I gag just a little bit more. And what-the-heck ever Jimmy, this child is NOT better than Miley and I ain’t even a Miley Cyrus fan. On the plus, this child looked quite fetching tonight. However, this ain’t an “I’m fetching” competetion is it? Gag!

Stefano Langone
End of the Road
Last week I thought this boy was winning but most of y’all disagreed and put him in the bottom two. Well, I really don’t know what y’all thought or didn’t since y’all also put Pia in the bottom. But whatever! Listen, here’s my deal with this guy…he’s cute as a button and has an amazing gift of a voice! And dang y’all, he ate the stage with this performance! And, damn it ya’ll, it was HAWTNESS to hear the most beautiful woman in the world get bleeped the hell out!!! Winning!! What was not winning was Mr. Mic Jockey himself trying to serve up to the “girls” what he’s been trying to take home for himself since he first laid his Hollywood-jaded eyes on the pure innocence and wonder that is Stefano. Shut it already Ryan!

Baby Lockthemdoors
Cross My Heart
Listen, we don’t comment on this child’s song selection. We truthfully don’t care. Hell, we don’t even like countryfried music. But we do just love the way this child vibrates and oozes wholesome goodness all over us and seriously were we to take a potential date/love interest to see this child in concert, we’d be thinking naughty, naughty thoughts the whole time this child vibrated that goodness all over us. I mean, he’s just got that effect on us. Yes he does. So, what did he sing? Don’t know! Don’t care! Winning!

Casey Abrams
Nature Boy
Jimmy said, “he chose not to [take the help]…he better be right!” Listen, I know that Jimmy’s suppose to be some kind of expert and big-sh*t in the industry. Ok! YAY Jimmy! But Jimmy was damn wrong on this one! And I just LOVE Steven Tyler for sayin it straight out, “Jimmy was wrong!” Ummmm, listen, this was stripped down amazing for me tonight! Maybe I’m old, but that jazz specialness wrecked it! Wrecked. It. Winning!!!

Haley Reinhart
Call Me
Well, Debbie Harry is big with the gays! Will that translate into votes from the gays for sexy little Haley? Listen, I didn’t like the first part of the number and she got just a little shouty for me towards the end, but, I didn’t gag, not too much anyway! Was it winning? That I’m just not too sure about. Will she go home? Well, the odds aren’t in her favor given that we’ve been sending a chicka home every week. OMG, Steven’s such a perv…”here’s to lookin up your old address!” LMAO…love him! Anyway, I tend not to think she’ll go home with this one. But winning, not so much! In fact, it was kind of a sprepper (if you don’t know, go ask Carmen Carrera).

Jacob Lusk
Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Say, WHAAAT??? Why was this not his first choice? What was he dithering around with those other two bits for huh? HUH? Thank you JIMMY for telling him to quit preaching! Seriously, that’s tired even if you have a record deal! So, instead of doing the whole corn thing, this child took Jimmy’s advice! This song was written for this child! Can you imagine this child and Jennifer Hudson joining forces on this one! Or Fantasia? Seriously! And thank the good gods in heaven for Steven Tyler’s mouth! HA! Like the most beautiful woman in the world, I did NOT want to get goose pimples from this child and his performance. But damn, he just pulls it out of me! Lay me the bleep, bleep, bleep down!! Winning!!!

James Durbin
Heavy Metal
I know I’m suppose to like this child! I mean, here’s the deal, we share a home town in surfer town Santa Cruz and we’re all suppose to root for the hometown boy. Y’all know that (I feel a bit like a traitor…) And he’s got a great backstory of overcoming some kind of something that should have sidelined him and still, he, you know, goes out and rocks the house or some damn thing like that! Right?! But still, I’m just not there! I mean, yes, I went through my whole heavy metal face and shouted at the devil and all that sh*t, but, whatever! I gagged ok! But, that’s just me! Most of y’all will think this is winning! Go figure!

Well y’all, that’s it! I’m thinkin smart money is on us FINALLY losing that sprepper (gawd I love Carmen Carrera) Paul McDonald…you know, unique combined with curse of the first. Then again, who knows! It might just be Haley who ran plumb out of gas on this number. Awright y’all, it’s time for me to take another heavy helping of the old Nyquil and pass the hell out!

It’s Only Rock’n Roll…

April 6, 2011

Listen y’all, there’s a lot goin on at my little beach hut right about now and I don’t have much time to sit and tap out a whole long bit about this great little crop of sangers who are jockeying for position to be the next…wait for it, wait for it…American Idol (said in my best Ryan Seacrest impersonating Dick Clark on American Bandstand voice). I just don’t…shore nuff wish I did.

In the first place, I left my trusty little portable computing thing down in my car and if you know anything about my little beach hovel, you know that was a freakin hike. Plus, I got in from the gym awfully late and then had to cook dinner not only for myself but for my very glum and long-faced friend who was in some kind of mood thanks to our rather dismal economy here in this bee-you-tee-ful [looking] state. Let me just say that pan fried steaks basted in garlic and tyme butter is freakin awesome, except of course that my house still has the lingering odiferous after-effects.

But enough about my night…tonight was all about the Rock’n Roll Hall of Fame and usually (meaning in years past) that means poor, poor song selection on the part of the frauds attempting to prove to the fly-over state voters that they actually deserve all these accolades and stuff they might get when and if they finally get put up on that big old stage and are named the winner. Boy howdy, if that wasn’t a run-on-sentance then I don’t know what is. It surely must be the whirly-bird that is hovering low over my beach hut attempting to pull some poor soul who has managed to get caught up in a wave or some other form of something that he and/or she shouldn’t be caught up in.

Jacob Lusk
Man In The Mirror
Miss Lusk apparently found some morals and decided that singing about getting it on (the same ditty that was probably playing in the back ground when Miss Lusk was conceived) was a bit too far a field from his moral groundings. Now listen, I don’t have a lick of a problem with Miss Lusk getting a wee bit preachy…just seems a little odd coming from Miss Lusk…not that I’m one to judge of course. Any-hoo, Miss Lusk pulled on her big boi panties and decided that the White Lady, aka the King of Pop his-self was a more appropriate person to do up and do over. Then he said something odd about being in the bottom three and looking at yourself in the mirror and, well, frankly, I got a little lost at that point. Luckily, Miss Lusk opened that big ole mouth and belted out another winner and the wording kerflafle was quickly forgotten. This child is winning!

Haley Reinhart
Piece of My Heart
She has been compared, over and over ad nauseum, to goddess Janice Joplin and tonight she showed us why. Listen, this child came out and belted that little number out like she’d finally found who she was meant to be. On a little scratch bit of paper, while I was trying to swallow the last little bite of butter glazed steak, I wrote…”brought it!” This child is winning!

Casey Abrams
Have You Ever Seen The Rain
My advice for up and coming artists is, stay the hell away from CCR unless you are planning on doing bad karaoke in your neighborhood bar. Seriously, we bow before the brilliance that is CCR! This child Casey apparently has never listened to my advice and plucking his trusty (and sexy) stand up bass proceeded to totally eat the stage! If your name is Casey Abrams you are free to ignore my advice any time! This child is winning!

Lauren Alaina
Natural Woman
Oh dear! How is this child only 17 but looked like she was pushing up 40 tonight? Hummm…and I’m not even going to address that performance! This child was not winning tonight!

James Durbin
Why My Guitar Gently Weeps
I didn’t get it! Maybe I was distracted although that usually happens to me when-ever this child performs. I just can’t say this child was winning tonight! Sorry!

Baby Lockthemdoors
That’s All Right Momma
Well wasn’t this a departure for the boy from Mad Magazine who usually vibrates that voice sending us all into a fit of ecstacy? The whole girls rushing the stage was just weird. I mean, come on…we all know this show has more security than our illustrious President and we also know that nothing is ever NOT planned. I just didn’t get it. Contrived! And totally took away from a winning performance!

Pia Toscano
River Deep Mountain High
No effing ballad tonight? Say what???? Ok, let’s just admit right now that this child has an amazing voice and it doesn’t matter what she sings! She wrecked it!!! This child is winning!!

Stefano Langone
When A Man Loves A Woman
I didn’t get the first part of the arrangement but the child served up this performance with emotion that connected with that amazing vocal gift and left me wanting more! I’d rather hear this child perform this number instead of the original performer Mr. Bolton. I’m sure he was singing it to his momma! 😉 This child is winning!

Paul McDonald
Folsom Prison Blues
This child is quite the performer but I repeat, he is not my cup of unique. My momma always said if you can’t say something nice, well, you know the rest. This child is not winning…for me!

And that’s it! Listen y’all, I need to get my ass to bed! I wish I could predict who is going home, but frankly I can’t. So, instead, I’m do like my dog and knock out!


March 30, 2011

I’m sitting in the middle of a big ass bed in a little resort right down in the very tippy end of this beautiful state of California with water surrounding me on all sides. If I told you it was for my day job, you’d want to laugh right out loud…but it’s true kids…it really is true! But just for you, I’ve put the work on hold, I’ve powered up the laptop, turned on the big ass, high def flat tee vee screen that adorns this wall and I’m ready as heck to hold forth on this night!!

And lord kids, what a HUGE night this is! We’ve got a heckuva a lot going on don’t we. I mean last week Casey damn near threw up on the stage when our esteemed judges threw out the life line of salvation said, “shut up Master Casey, you are SAVED!!” I mean, this child’s face went white as my buttocks, he staggard around that stage and looked like he was ready to loose his lunch right over old Mr. Teeth himself! But now, we are facing a double elimination. That’s HUGE kids!! For sure it is! Course, I’m glad we getting it out the way this early in the season! No longer will we have to hear that idiotic mic-jockey, master way-too-damn-bright teeth himself, say something stupid about singing “for your life” like he was damn RuPaul or something.

Oh grief, in my excitement regarding the hugeness of this night tonight, I damn near forgot that we are singing the works of Sir Elton John! Listen, this homosexual of all homosexuals is just about the craziest of the cat’s meow you’ve ever come across. But, frankly, I can’t remember if I’ve ever heard him featured on this blasted show…ever. Now, I could be wrong, wrong, wrong and it certainly wouldn’t be the first time. But, whether I’m right or wrong, it’s HUGE all the same!

Now, let’s get to the celebrating of Sir Elton…

Baby Lockthemdoors
Country Comfort
Listen y’all, I had forgotten that this kid is only 17 dang years old. Really?? Gosh I’m old! Hell, his grandma was out in the audience tonight and she can’t be much older than me. Good grief! Ummmm, so, did he sing? Of course he did because we felt that vibrating all over us. Truthfully though, it’s not like any of us will remember what he sang or anything other than, gee-whiz, that voice just slays! What a gifted child! Comfortable indeed!

Naimo Adepapo
I’m Still Standing
This child took one of my favorite songs, flipped it and did NOT f*ck it up…too bad! Listen, I’m from the beach and we like our Reggae, a LOT and this little girl personifies all of that for me!! But we all know that Sir Elton John is not very Reggae and well, Randy said it best, “it kinda came off kinda corny!” This child ain’t goin home cuz she is fabulous, but maybe tonight wasn’t as special as it should have been. Sorry baby!

Paul McDonald
Rocket Man
You know, I’m am just NOT shocked that he’s going to sing Rocket Man. In fact, even before this child wrote it on that blackboard, I just KNEW what he was going to sing. If there is any song that fits this most unique of singers, it is this one. Listen, I’ve said that this child is not my cup of unique, but tonight, tonight, I just loved!! But not that hideous jacket…sorry!

Pia Toscano
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down
Ballad…Ballad…Ballad…NOT BORING! Ummm, say what? Did I just say that? YES I DID!!! J-Lo said it took us to an “other-worldly” place! YUP! Oh god, I must be getting old cuz I did not like this chick, I LOVED this chick! Next week she’ll be singing River Deep, Mountain High? Yes, I said next week cuz she’ll be back!

Stefano Langone
Tiny Dancer
My first thought was “oh sh*t, really?!” I mean, I love, love, love, love this child. More than you’ll know. But, you know, we’re talkin Tiny Dancer and that’s a HUGE song. Fear NOT though, my baby boi just wrecked it!! He connected with me! Kids, I just might break my hard and fast rule and vote. Yes, I just might!

Lauren Alaina
Candle in the Wind
I’d like to be the first to say that this child looked just lovely tonight! She sure did! And she sure got a pretty voice! She sure does! I can’t say she wrecked it, because I can’t, but I can say it was just adorable! It sure was!

James Durbin
Saturday Night’s Alright
I won’t call this a FAIL because it wasn’t. In fact, it was very good…INDEED! Except for the piano catching fire and sh*t! Wait, I’m sorry, are we watching Idol? WTF? I mean, yes, he can hit the notes that are crazy! Props! “Pepsi Moment!” Ok, now that was funny!

Thia Megia
God this girl has voice that far exceeds her 15 or 16 years. I could listen to her sing ALL DAY LONG!!! J-Lo said it was a “beautiful moment” for little Thia!! Randy, said something about pitch and apparently he and I were listening to different performances! Loved!!!

Casey Abrams
Your Song
The big question in my mind is, will the big boy prove the judges decision right? I mean, we’re missing a butt-load of hair…is that all he changed? Listen, these kids are singing Sir Elton’s songs tonight and, you gotta bring it!! And he did!!! Let me just be clear, Casey doesn’t need to prove the judges right or wrong. He’s just that amazing! And, he did supreme justice to Sir Elton. This was a slight departure for this child, softer, silkier and just dang perfect!! It was his song tonight!

Jacob Lusk
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word
HUGE is Miss Mary J. Blige just happening to be in the background at the studio when you there to rehearse. YUP, that’s HUGE. HUGE is having to recreate a moment after you ate the stage last week. Did he do it? Listen, I can’t say it was AS huge as last week, but, ummm, wow…this child can sing and I’m loving, loving, loving that he is beginning to scale back on that overly-dramatic-FirstAMEChurch-Sunday-morning-solo in whereverville. I mean, I love it but it has its place. Jacob has a HUGE voice and that’s all there is to say!

Haley Reinhart
Bennie and the Jets
I love it when this child rocks it! That voice is a little Janice Joplin and little Amy Grant and when it’s on point, it just wrecks and tonight, she was ON POINT! Randy called it “best performance of the name” and wasn’t he just right! Steven Tyler called it sexy and sure, it would be easy to say that dress, laying all over the piano, all that was designed to evoke thoughts of sexiness but it wasn’t that, it was the voice!! I just might be in agreement with Randy tonight. It was just that good!

Listen, all these kids were good, but we gonna have to send two of them home tomorrow and I’m just not sure I’m ready, willing and able to call it. Are you?

Making History

March 23, 2011

So, I’ve just pulled out a fresh batch of brownies…no, not the medicinal kind, I’ve taken the puppy out to do her dirty deeds and I’ve propped my feet up in front of the fire while the rains pounds my pretty little beach town. Listen y’all, when I say the rain is pounding “my pretty little beach town” I mean I’m not sure if my beach hut won’t just float away in this bit of watery craziness.

But listen, we aren’t talkin about me floatin out into the Pacific in some freaky act of mother nature. We’re here to chat about these kids who tonight will make a little history of their own as they perform the very history rich sounds of Motown. Of course the minute that crazed mic-jockey came on my screen I had a frightening feeling that we just might be in for a night every bit as full of crazy-making as the weather seems to be doing out my window. I mean for geezis, jose and mariana’s sake, moron had the screen black and white monochromatic and was jivin around like he was from some time past all the while screeching as only he can do about history and other bunches of BS. All I can think of is please deer jeebus, don’t let this metro-sexual of metro-sexuals be a harbinger of the night!! PLEASE!!!

First up and following a brief history lesson we have one of my favorites…

Casey Abrams
I Heard It Through The Grapevine
I’m sorry, but every damn year we are treated to a “remake” of this classic. The thing that gets me is that we have like hundreds of Motown songs to choose from but it seems like this is the only one the kids wanna do. Having said that, Casey did pretty dang good for me. A redemption of sorts from last weeks “off” night. In the looks department though I’m just praying that some stylist gets a hold of him…seriously cuz that hair was not workin and neither was that suit thing. Not feelin the look brother man!

And WTF is up with Ryan always tryin to hook these guys up with a “chick” in the audience. It’s like he’s so afraid of his gay self that he constantly looks to, I dunno…it’s just weird! Listen Ryan, you stupid douche-nozzle, quit always trying to insinuate the sexuality of EVERY DUDE on the show. We all know you’ve got Tim Urban stashed in your dressing room in the back and it’s alright. We just don’t care man! This is about music, not about hoping no one will know what a big MO we all know you to be! STFU!!! Now, back to Casey…not too worried about the curse of the firsts with this performance! WINNING!

Thia Megia
Heat Wave
This little girl’s just SO good!! I mean, that voice just freaks me!!! Makes me happy! Having said that, I think she got just a little lost in this song. She sounded spot on, but there were a couple of times the production of the thing overpowered her. I did love seeing her moving around and again, that voice…FREAK!! Seems she’s also turned 16 at some point which makes her performance all the more bangin! WINNING!

Jacob Lusk
You’re All I Need To Get By
My question is, will Jacob kill it tonight because if any night was a gift to any performer on this show, tonight is that gift to one Miss Patty LaBelle! My answer came the minute the big girl opened her mouth. GAWD DANG!!!! THIS CHILD JUST EFFING WRECKED IT! PERIOD! New rule came down the pike from The Professor who said that if Steven Tyler gets up and hugs you following your performance then DRINK!! JUST POUNDED MY DRINK! Yeah J-Lo, you right…Miss Lusk made us BEG…I want MORE! WINNING!!!!

Lauren Alaina
You Keep Me Hangin On
Poor little Miss Lauren had to follow Miss Lusk’s rather powerful performance and that always sucks. Unless you are little Miss Lauren with that attitude and a voice to back it up! Steven Tyler makes me happy!!! Got her swagger on said the Big Dog! Yeah, I can buy that! Winning!

Stefano Langone
I JUST LOVE THIS CHILD!! Seriously!! LOVE!!!! I can’t even begin to tell you what that voice and those eyes do to me! However, I did NOT like this performance. No I did NOT! But whatever, I’m not the only one that loves this child so…he gonna be just fine! I’m not gonna call this a FAIL but it sure wasn’t WINNING! MEH!

Haley Reinhart
You Really Got A Hold of Me
Ok, this child doesn’t wanna be in the bottom again. Listen, I feel her on this cuz I don’t want her there either, but, she hadn’t been doing herself any favors lately. Where’s that bluesy girl we all fell in love with. Let me just say right now, if this child is in the bottom after tonight’s performance then y’all got sh*t for brains and grass in yo ears! This child brought the bluesy wrecking ball to this number and made me HAPPY!!! Looks like me and Steven are feelin a little pervy tonight!!! I’ll HOLD YA!! WINNING!

Baby Lockthemdoors
For Once In My Life
Again, do we care what this child sings? No! Tonight though I actually listened and DAMN! There wasn’t a lounginess to this performance at all to me. In fact, I felt a little of my kinolk, Elvis showing through just a little bit! Strongest? Nope! Winning? You BET!

Pia Toscano
All In Love Is Fair
This girl is beautiful to look at. She’s also very easy to listen to. I mean if you listen to the “easy listening” muzak station. This was a perfect performance. The problem is that I tire of perfection. I like a little soul. I like my artists to get down and dirty. J-Lo wins the “useful advice” award tonight!! Both for Stefano and for Pia. Ballad…Ballad…Ballad…Ballad…Boring! Again, not a FAIL! But does “not a FAIL” equate to winning? MEH!

Paul McDonald
Tracks of my Tears
Can the only person with whiter teeth than Ryan make this number his own? Can he overcome the Smokey aura? Can he have a moment? Well, I just don’t know. He’s unique for sure. He’s just not my cup of unique I guess. The bobsy twins who were doing his back up were cute for sure. I mean, it’s super hard for me to criticize this guy too much. The Professor said that “androgyny died with Ziggy Stardust. I get it, but meh.” I couldn’t agree more! Another performance that’s not a FAIL. MEH!

Naema Adedapo
Dancing In The Streets
First thought, WTF is she wearing (the Professor’s comment was “who cares, she’s fabulous!”)? Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’m gonna say it, vocally this chick is much closer to spot perfect than I have ever heard her and that DANCING!!! Loved it!! Loved it!! Fabulous!! Steven with the E to the Z to the Twiddly Dee and then J-Lo with the goosies!!! This chick “ate the stage” tonight!! WINNING!

James Durbin
Living For The City
Well the poop rag moved over a bit and looks liked it got blinged out. YAY! Steven Tyler obviously LOVES this performance. J-Lo’s over there having a hissy fit loving it. Randy had an issue with the first part. I wasn’t feeling it so much BUT apparently that’s just me since everyone is sh*tting themselves over this performance!! The Professor swears he looks like he smells like mayonnaise!! HA!!! I’m giving this a MEH just because he ain’t my cup of anything.

I have no idea how we gonna pick tonight!! I mean seriously y’all!! This was history tonight! No, not Motown history! No, not even “top 10” history! This was history because it has to be the first time EVER in the history of the show that I have actually enjoyed every performance! It has to be the first time I have not had something super duper snarky about at least ONE performance! I mean, who gonna go home boo? Can you call it? I sure as hell can’t! History baby!!!

Before I sign off I’d like to send shout outs to the Professor who gave some great fodder for this piece (“ate the stage” is my new fav compliment), Miss Nikki whose wit just slays and who made me look with a slightly more jaundiced eye than I wanted to tonight and that larger than life friend, Miss Foxy Coxy who reminded me that Motown was all about fun!! Tomorrow night one of these kids has to go and I just can’t call it!

As I sign off, I would like to say goodbye to Dame Elizabeth Taylor! May you rest in peace!!