Saved

April 13, 2010

As all three of us who still watch Idol religiously know, last week the judges pulled Big Mike from the miry clay of rejection and set his feet on the solid ground of salvation. And, natch, they did it unanimously. We, all three of us, were much less thrilled with this rather stupid stunt and aren’t sure whether the “big save” was more like salvation or torture. Be that as it may, we’ve gotten over the conviction that was felt by some (resulting in said salvation) and have moved on to this week where two someone’s will pay the price for said salvation. Maybe it’s just me, but do I sound a little like I’ve gotten lost in campmeeting-speak hell?

Tonight salvation is coming in the forms of those two wonderful bad boys; Elvis, who you’ll be thrilled to know I’m [distantly] related to and Adam Lambert, who I’m not. Assuming these kids we sometimes call sangers, can manage to capture the spirit of Elvis as channeled through Adam, we might just be in for a dang good night. So, here goes…

Professor: Ryan said WHAT about Adam’s tongue being more talented?

Crystal
Saved

Professor: I figured it out. Ryan has become so incapable of expressing a single sincere thought that his every utterance, even the simple act of breathing, is an affront to our existence as a people.
JB: You’ve quite perfectly expressed my hatred of him. His voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard.

Andrew
Hound Dog

Professor: Love Connie though.
JB: “how depressed is she that I’m her son?” HA!
Professor: The answer: not at all as she’s obviously rich and on lithium.

Tim
Can’t Help Falling In Love

JB: Yay for lithium! Why is Andrew sucking more each week and Tim sucking a little less?
Professor: I don’t know, but I’m ok with Tim’s tight shirts, so it’s a trend I’m willing too…er…embrace.
Professor: Also, Sue Sylvester should replace Simon next year.
JB: ROTFLMAO
JB: Wait, did you just see Tim’s “friend?” OMFG!!!
JB: “Zero to hero?” WTF is Simon smoking?

Professor: SMOKING H to the T. Simon is a pragmatist.
JB: You are right of course.

Lee
A Little Less Conversation

JB:You know, Lee is SO much like my brother…sounds like him, looks a little like him. Why isn’t my brother on Idol? Crazy!
JB: Is it me or does the crowd seem more energized than usual?
JB: And WTF is Paula Kara wearing?

Professor: Because Glee is there…

Aaron
Blue Suede Shoes

JB: Aaron did a great audition for Glee don’t ya think?
Professor: He looks like Jane Weidlin
JB: HA! Siobhan better NOT f*ck up one o my favs.

Siobhan
Suspicious Minds

Professor: Top of stairs reverse camera audience opening shot! DRINK!
Professor: Loved it! Still hate her!
JB: Right?! I forgot to say DRINK during all that inappropriate swaying when Aaron did whatever it was he did.
JB: I really can’t understand her!

Big Mike
In The Ghetto

JB: Brian Dunkleman should sue Ryan for that snarky comment!
Professor: Agreed! And why’n f*ck does the black contestant just so happen to sing the one Elvis song with “ghetto” in the title?
JB: Oh god…that was funny.
Professor: Was it the way I contracted “why in the” into why’n?
JB: Running out of time? They wouldn’t be if Ryan would learn to STFU!
Professor: Ryan should always shut up more!

Katie
Baby, What You Want Me to Do?

Professor: I think we missed Katie!
JB: We should drink more.
Professor: Also true
JB: She said horny!! Double drink!
Professor: Appropriate hand clapping! Raruty warrants a triple drink!!!! Down it!!

Casey
Lawdy, Miss Clawdy

JB: Ok, that whole baby talk thingy Ryan just did was creepy weird. Oh, and Casey’s much sexier with hair pulled back…woof.
Professor: He’s an Alien Microphone Monkey.
JB: I’ll drink to that. Andrew’s going home.
Professor: And Aaron
JB: yeah.
Professor: And Big Mike
JB: I’d love to see Big Mike go home.
JB: Geezus, what did Ryan take b4 the show?

Professor: I don’t know, but it’s not a depressant.
JB: Agreed.

Them’s our thoughts. Who you think’s goin home?

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Finally, it gets good

March 16, 2010

The actual show begins!  This is my 2nd favorite Idol night…The final 12 performers is the big stage and whole (or almost whole) songs.  The only thing better is top 6 when they perform twice per show.  I like that because they can screw up and then totally redeem themselves.  Or, more interestingly, kill the first one and then screw it up by bombing on the second.

First things first – I drink wine when I watch this show as it’s the only way to retain my sanity.  Now that we can’t play “Drunk Paula“, we need a new way to play.  So, I have “Yo, check it out”, “Pitchy”, “inappropriate swaying or clapping”, or  “anyone crying” for a toast, and you have to drink your whole drink when Ellen has absolutely nothing positive to say.

Rolling Stones night, so let’s jump right in –

Big Mike – Meh.

/Ryan approaching the Judges’ Table / Scripted exchange with
Simon was STUPID

Didi – Meh.

/Ellen “You made ‘Fire’ a two-syllable word…”  Um, Fire is a two syllable word.

Casey – Reminds me of those Old Navy commercials.  He’s “aight’, he sings, but he absolutely does not perform.  Decidedly wooden.

Lacey – SO BAD.  Can not believe she’s even on the show.

Andrew Garcia – “I thought he was going to be a Custodian”?  Wow.  Go back and check out what Moms wore on National Television.  Red Pant, Leopard Print Shirt and Wig.  Fabulous.  Too bad he was so bad it hurt.  I mean, there’s no way you’re going to one up Mick, but he wasn’t even trying.

/Randy – PITCHY!  Drink!

/Ellen – “What do I know?  It’s your best performance.”  Basically, you know nothing, Ellen, because it wasn’t.

/Kara – In her first salient critique, reminded everyone that the song was about the Vietnam War and was expecting more intensity.

/Simon – What do you want him to do, come on stage with a Tank?  LOVE SIMON.

Katie – She said “Pitch” in her bio.  Drink!  UM.  WTF is she wearing?  The halo light for seriousness doesn’t make good friends with frizzy hair.  The lighting director should’ve stopped that from happening.  She sounds really strained and boring, as though the two were possible to be at the same time, and yet here we are.

*Enough with the studio-planted audience members swaying hands and clapping to every song, even songs where it’s wholly inappropriate.  It’s false and annoying.

/Randy PITCH!  Drink!

/Ellen – PITCHY!  Drink!

/Kara – It was better than last week.

/Simon – “You lost the emotion” – Well said.

Tim Urban – Under my thumb.  I hate his hair.  Oh, and everything else about him.  I mean, not everything, but, wait…yes, everything.  The serious a capella bridge with the Reggae beat was really bad.

/Kara – Twice now has said “I totally get what the guys are saying”.  Stop saying that.   Ellen’s not a guy.  Stop saying that.

/Simon – “It was a crazy decision.”  Well, so was bringing his lame ass back.  Anybody miss Alex Lambert yet?  Cuz at least he could sing.

Siobhan Magnus – Paint in Black.  Drama packed and started by sitting on the stairs.  More inappropriate clapping.  It wasn’t terrible actually.  The screech at the end nearly forced an aneurysm.  She sang ok other than that, but did a great job performing actually.  I was pleasantly un-annoyed.

/Ryan – “You look…stunning.”  Felt like he meant it.  She did look pretty good, so good on Ryan.

Lee Dewyze – Beast of Burden.  Is he crying?   I don’t care, he is the best so far tonight and I would really like to hear some old Bob Seger.  Consistent, not flashy, I think he killed it.

/Kara – “…It’s not as PITCHY!”  Drink!

/Simon – Made Lee cry even more.

Paige Miles – Honky Tonk Woman.  Now this is a song you clap to.  And WOW!  Where did she come from?  Wrecked it.  Sounded great, looked fantastic.  Kinda funny watching her sing the lyrics, which were reversed because she’s a girl, when she got to the line “…he blew my nose and then he blew my mind…” right after her Church story.  Nice unintended juxtaposition, A.I.  I don’t really think that she knows what that lyric means.

Aaron Kelly – Angie.  Again with the stairs.  New hair looks fantastic.  I like this.  More inappropriate arm swaying…Drink!  He sounds really good.  Letter perfect execution vocally, but he needs to move around a little more, but that’s trivial.   He killed it.

/Ryan – “How difficult was it for you to connect with and learn.”  Really stupid question, Ryan, even for you.

Chrystal Bowersox – Her Dad crying wins the bio contest.  D  Janis Joplin, Bonnie Raitt and Melissa Etheridge reinvented.  Fabulous.

/Simon – “…you need to go out there every time and kill it.”

Well said.

Prof.


MORE CONSPIRACY THEORIES – Political Edition

March 16, 2010

So, Season 5 Contestant Ayla Brown‘s Dad is Scott Brown.   Wait, let me say it properly, Republican Scott Brown, former Cosmo Pin up, who shocked America by having the gall to be elected in Massachusetts.  We knew that already. 

But did you know that Kara Dioguardi’s Dad is former Rep. Joe DioGuardi, R-New York?  Did you know he’s running for a Senate Seat in New York?  Do you care? 

You should.  I didn’t care and treated it as fluff until the very last line of the CNN Ticker blurb.

Now I realize that this isn’t a Political Blog, but I do have pause for concern.  In case you just don’t feel like clicking on the link, here’s the line: 

“CNN also asked the daughter if she’d ever follow her father into politics. “Perhaps,” she said. “Definitely don’t want to rule anything out.”

It takes her an hour to say nothin’, she likes the wrong people for the wrong reasons and is easily the most annoying of the judges.   I don’t get any sincerity from her assessments, even slightly…if you’re wondering about a reference point for that last, seemingly harsh statement, go watch her fake cry during the Boys’ performance last weeks (specifically Big Mike).  And she wants to follow in Dad’s footsteps?  Wait, I guess if I re-read that she’d make a perfect politician. 

I think the only thing we can do is wait for the day she announces her Candidacy and make sure Paula’s ready to run against her.  We have to start thinking of a Campaign Slogan for her now: 

  • Paula for President!
  • I like Vic(odin)
  • Straight up now elect me
  • Hey Baby!  I’m forever your Senator

Please, please help me think of more.  Not for nothing, but I’m pretty sure we could get Paula to vote for the Healthcare bill if only for the subsidized prescriptions.


Girls night!

March 3, 2010

Hola!

I’m the Prof. and this….*twothreefour*….is American Idol!  I live-blogged tonight and also switched out the hard drive in my PS3.  Multitasking my ass off, thank you VERY MUCH.

Anyway, after dealing with the the whole Hospital scare, we have no new information and do find out that Crystal is performing.  So yay for that.

Crystal Bowersox – Wow!  I loved that.  The judges loved that.  Simon loved that.  What else do you need to know?  She’s real, she’s real good, and she’s really actually like-able, a rare trifecta for Idol.

Haeley Vaughn – Is she trying to sound like Dolly Parton?  Because she sounds like a lispy young drag queen.  Struggled, unpleasant, and OFF KEY.  FAIL.

Simon getting booed and actually being funny for once:  “It’s ironic you sang ‘The Climb’ because you just fell off.”  That proved snort-worthy.  He’s funnier when he’s meaner.  Lose the girls that boo, let Simon be mean, it’s WAY MORE entertaining and you know I’m right.

Lacey Brown – a milque-toast Pat Benetar.  She’s doing high-end Karaoke and singing with a super-fake country accent.  Double FAIL.  For the record, I wrote that before Randy said it.

Katie Stevens – “Put cho rekids on”  She, just like Lacey, is simply mimicking what she heard on the radio.  Insincere, flat and boring.

Listening to Kara, I realize that we’re basically watching a very high-end Gong Show and she’s Jamie Farr.  Also, the toss back to Ryan after the Judges are done assessing who then tries to get them to give actually “useful” advice, especially when trying to admonish Simon, is excruciatingly tedious.  Just make with call-in/text numbers, you microphone monkey.

DiDi Benami – “Lean on me”  Channeling a modern day low-rent Carly Simon, DiDi, isn’t terrible.  She’s not.  But, I offer that this not “America’s least terrible” and I can’t see her as an Idol.

Who put Randy in charge moving the Judges along?  I want to hate it, but I love it.  He’s all “I don’t know, whachuthink, E?”  Then Ellen does her schtick, and then Randy tosses to Kara, but he doesn’t shut her up to move along to Simon.  Hmmmm.

Michelle Delamor – First of all, she can actually sing, which is a refreshing change from the previous contestants tonight (except Crystal obviously).  In other news, what the HELL is she wearing?  A white Prom Dress over skinny jeans, black half-jacket and Janet gloves circa Rhythm Nation?  Yeah, fashion fail.  Randy loving it proves I’m right, it’s hideous.  Ellen liking it also proves it’s hideous.  Vera Wang liking it proves nothing.  She’s almost there vocally, but not quite.  She needs to stay another week or 3, though.

Lily Scott – Strikes me as a one trick pony.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great trick…but I think I’d be annoyed at the prospect of hearing two songs in a row from her, and that’s definitely not a good sign.  She’s “aight” but Crystal killed her.  And Randy liking it better than Crystal proves he needs to go.  Kara’s on crack, it wasn’t a “moment” it was “aight”.  I LOVE SIMON for being so honest.  He’s right, Crystal was stronger.

Katelyn Epperly – “The Scientist” by Coldplay.  HOLY SHIT we got us a competition.  Randy, again, is wrong.  He’s always so wrong.  I want him to go 24 hours without saying the word “Pitch”, “Pitchy” or figure out other adjectives that further explain why “something” didn’t work for him.  Ellen’s wrong.  Why is Ellen also wrong?  What the hell?  Kara “I kind of love you” wins for the stupidest comment ever in the history of American Idol, except for anything Paula ever said.  That said, I miss Paula now, more than ever.  Katelyn needs to stay, I got a dose of her style and it’s a scary (bad) romance love child of GaGa and Sarah McClachlan.  I think when the judges go back and re-listen they’ll feel like assholes.

Paige Miles – “I Like to Color”.  Trying to sing Kelly Clarkson.  Right.  Meh.  Are you out of your mind trying to sing some Kelly?  Really?  I didn’t hate it, she does have a nice voice, possibly the best one, but for once, Kara got to be right.  Helps that she wrote the damn song, but she is right.  I was driving home from work like 3 or 4 years ago, and that song was on the radio.   I was on a high coming home from the gym, all amped up from the endorphins.  I sang that song so loud and proud I damn near wrecked my car.  Kara’s right, you have to mean it, you weren’t feeling the guy, you shouldn’t be smiling when you tell him to take a hike.

Siobhan Magnus – I HATED her last week.  A LOT.  Self-administered mohawk?  Pretty cute.  Warm up exercise?  Cute.  Aretha?  NOT CUTE.  Wrong song.  looking like a modern day Stepford Teen, screeching like an idiot.  Randy loving it proves it sucked.  I can’t get over that note either, Kara?  Thank you Simon: “You are interesting…”  I’ll give her that.

In summary, Crystal will win the entire competition.

Paige and Katelyn, nice job, you can leave the runway.

Prof.


Messin w/ my mind

March 2, 2010

Listen, by the time the Idol came on tonight, I’ll be honest, I had already pounded a goodly portion of a bottle of very expensive Pinot Noir in an effort to create a new and improved Drunk Paula drinking game for all y’all degenerates who feel the need to tipple a few in an effort to block out some of the caterwauling that parades itself across our tee vees. And boy howdy was there ever some caterwauling. Now listen y’all, I’m gonna hope you can make a little sense of my thoughts here cuz lord knows, given the mess I’ve got to work with and my slightly pickled brain, that could prove to be a bit on difficult side.

Big Mike
It’s a Man’s World
Oh Lawd y’all, Big Mike may give the impression of being a manly, man’s man, but with all that pressing of pint-sized metrosexual Ryan Seacrest AND the fact that home-boy loves him some thee-a-tah, one could be excused for thinking something otherwise. Big Mike opened up the show like a show should be…with some pizazz and some pursing of the lips in a manner that made ya wanna reach through the tee-vee screen and do something naughty with ’em.

John Park
Gravity
I just don’t feel connected to the technically good performances this purdy young man from Chicago via Korea puts on. And that’s all there is to say about this one…except of course that when Simon said he thought this might be the end of the road, he hadn’t yet heard Todrick, Jermaine or Tim Urban.

Casey James
I Don’t Wanna Be
I don’t wanna hear this song again. It’s been done up and did over by every boy who imagine themselves to be the second coming of Mr. DeGraw who we all know has not even excited stage left. Enough already! But sweet jeezis, this boy is purdy to look at!

Alex Lambert
Everybody Knows
Lawd jeezis, this child with that mullet sangs in such a manner as to put impure and improper thoughts in my head.

Todrick Hall
What’s Love Got to do With it?
There really aren’t any words for this mess that paraded itself on our screen. Despite those unnaturally white teeth and spectacular eyes, there really ain’t anything goin on here that would cause me to do anything more than throw up a little in my mouth. Sweet jeezis what a mess!

Jermaine Sellers
What’s Goin On?
The only thing goin on for this freaky-deaky dude was that onesy which we promptly went and ordered for ourselves about two seconds into this revolting performance. Heck, we didn’t even both to hear what the judges had to say because frankly it couldn’t have been good…hell, even Drunk Paula couldn’t have made lemonade out of that sour-ass mess.

Andrew Garcia
You Give Me Something
Chills! That’s what this child gives me! Chills running the full length of my spine. I am in love with this child’s voice! Lawd jeezis! Agreed that it wasn’t the best song for this child, but ohhhhhhh lawd. I swooned!!!

Aaron Kelly
My Girl
Really? The good Pharmacist (who you’ll remember from season’s past as the ex who sometimes manages to bribe the guards outside the gate to my casa high in the hills above Hollywood so as to slip in and watch this farcical show) said this child will grow up to be a homosexual. I’m not a fan of the song, the performance or this sixteen year old child (and really, must we be reminded that he’s sixteen…huh?!).

Tim Urban
Come On Get High
I said to the Professor, that I needed to be high to get through this gawd-awful performance and frankly wanted to do as the song suggested and drown myself so as to get that putrid sound out of my ears. Thank the gawds for Miss Ellen suggesting this child should be on Glee…lawd, I wet myself from laughing over that one!!

Lee Dewyze
Lips of an Angel
Now really, there is no reason for this child to be pissing-himself-nervous. He’s just that good! Ok, not quite as good as Simon seems to imagine (hello, did anyone else see the major boner that Simon got when the Dewyzzle was belting out this little ditty), but still, this child can sing and has a commercial sound that would make an angel cheat on the gods.

It is my personal, but utterly meaningless opinion, that we’ve seen the last of Toadrick, Onesie and the boy from Glee. Well, in reality, one of them will stay around and if I had to choose which one of the three it would be, well, I just can’t. So, let’s have poll, which two of these three deserves the boot more?


Straight up disappointment

February 24, 2010

Listen, the Professor straight up brought the school house down with the lesson on boys and crying (it’s the rising estrogen levels, but don’t ask me how I know that…). So there’s just not much more I can add. Except you know me, there’s always something more I can say…

Here’s the deal, I watched a parade of near talentless (judging by their performances last night) boys who couldn’t stand out in a karaoke bar if they were the only patron in the dang place. There were some notable exceptions…

Those exceptions were the last three guys…Casey, the modelicious guy that caused some weird meltdown over at the judges table and the guy I waited all night to hear. I just love me some Andrew Garcia. I have since his first audition. Not only does he have a great story that just warms the cockles of my heart, but he’s got a voice that makes me want to be a stalker! Listen, his first audition rocked it! Then, in Hollywood week he straight up stole my heart and made me love Paula Abdul for reasons other than her drunken inappropriate behavior. Which is why I was all the more disappointed in his performance tonight. Don’t get me wrong, it was good…the best of the night…but it wasn’t up to the bar he’s already set.

Now listen, notes are coming in from around the world wondering about this dearth of talent that is stinking up the airwaves right now. I’ve got a call into that metrosexual of all metrosexuals to get to the bottom of this. We’ll see if I get a straight answer.

For now, we keep watching. For how much longer is anyone’s guess!


Silver Lining

February 24, 2010

Hello All and welcome to the “At least they got one thing right” portion of our show.  I’m the Professor and here’s what didn’t suck about last night’s craptacular shift into actually being a singing competition.  Before I bring you those tasty nuggets of wisdom, let us recap what was wrong:

Sucked:

  • Ellen liking everybody and everything.  I’m not saying to be mean, but c’mon already.  They need to know when they suck so they can’t say they didn’t know they sucked the next time they go on stage and suck again.  I’m well aware I just used “suck” 3 times in the same sentence.   
  • Ryan Seacrest continuing to suck in oxygen.  Our latest “I’m crazy and have lots of money” fake rumor:  Ryan is filling the void left by Michael Jackson and had a penile enlargement pump custom-built to 7 foot tall and 4 foot in diameter.  Right before the Live show, he stands inside it and has Randy Jackson and Big Mike take turns jumping on the ball-pump.  If he does it right, he’ll be tall enough to ride the Screamin’ Eagle at Six Flags by Summer.
  • Standing on the balcony and cheering for other contestants.  You don’t want THEM to do well, because YOU want to win, so why force them to cheer for each other, Idol Producers?  It’s a competition!  They should trip people when they walk down the stairs, hold their ears and wince in pain when they attempt (and fail…or rather SUCK trying) to hit big notes and talk smack about each other when they’re sitting on the Coke couch instead of talking about their kids (I don’t care), their Alzheimer’s-ridden Grandmother (I don’t care and neither does she) or that it’s “What I’ve been waiting for my whole life!”  Girl please, you’re 16.  Talk to me when you’re 40 and signing at the Holiday Inn off route 9 on Wednesdays and Fridays.  THEN you can be waiting for something “your whole life”.

What didn’t suck:

  • Once the judges looked around and realized that a hair and makeup Tasmanian drunkard named Paula wasn’t there, they unclenched and (OMG) actually started to give useful advice!  I was FLOORED when they agreed to disagree politely and Professionally without all of the hitting and “Shut Up”s.  Randy sounded for the first time ever like he actually might know a thing or two about a thing or two.  Simon was his usual abrasive self, but about halfway through the show, he actually said what they might try next time to do better!  I almost passed out.  Kara needs to stop with the eyeliner and the enthusiasm.  My issue with Ellen is above, so I won’t double-dip on her here.  The hand thing with Simon at the beginning of the show was extra-CHEESY and reminiscent of something they would’ve done in season 3 or 4, like the “Paula & Simon staged make out session in front of a fireplace” offered the unique, never-before-felt sensation of giggling uncontrollably while vomiting.  That’s a difficult trick to pull off, but leave it to the Idol Producers.  This “hand on knee” action is but a remnant, forcing me only to throw up a little in my mouth while snorting.  More singing, less vaudeville.
  • Speaking of singing, yes they all kind a sucked, but you miss my point:  they ALL kind of sucked, which means that they’re evenly matched.  This bodes well for later in the competition, when some of them stop sucking and start to pull away from the rest of the group.  In previous years, the front-runners were pretty obvious at this stage, because of the relative “suckosity” of the remaining contestants.  To be more succinct, it’s anybody’s game (except Siobhan Magnus, who needs to just…stop.  Make her stop.  Pull your Ford Fusion Hybrid to the side of the road, punch Kris Allen in the face for being Kris Allen, pull out your ATT mobile device and text the words “STOP SUCKING” to Idols07.  Regular Tex-Mex rates apply.
  • Superiority Complex.  I have one.  It is STRONG.  It is fed by the suckitude of the contestants and it’s been a year since I unleashed the snark within.  It’s hungry and needs to be fed.  No other show can feed the beast, it must be American Idol.  Sherlock Holmes has his Moriarty.  The White Spy has his African-American Spy.  Jon Stewart has Glenn Beck and the Professor has……………..American Idol!

Prof.

P.S.  Do you think Ryan gets drunk and does that annoying pause thing to torture the people he pays to be his friends?  I can imagine them in a bar  and him telling the waiter “I’ll have a 7……………………and 7!”  And his friends all laugh like it’s the first time he’s ever done it, and the waiter smiles because he wants a big tip and under the makeup and self-bronzer, Ryan dies a little inside?  Or is it just me?