MORE CONSPIRACY THEORIES – Political Edition

March 16, 2010

So, Season 5 Contestant Ayla Brown‘s Dad is Scott Brown.   Wait, let me say it properly, Republican Scott Brown, former Cosmo Pin up, who shocked America by having the gall to be elected in Massachusetts.  We knew that already. 

But did you know that Kara Dioguardi’s Dad is former Rep. Joe DioGuardi, R-New York?  Did you know he’s running for a Senate Seat in New York?  Do you care? 

You should.  I didn’t care and treated it as fluff until the very last line of the CNN Ticker blurb.

Now I realize that this isn’t a Political Blog, but I do have pause for concern.  In case you just don’t feel like clicking on the link, here’s the line: 

“CNN also asked the daughter if she’d ever follow her father into politics. “Perhaps,” she said. “Definitely don’t want to rule anything out.”

It takes her an hour to say nothin’, she likes the wrong people for the wrong reasons and is easily the most annoying of the judges.   I don’t get any sincerity from her assessments, even slightly…if you’re wondering about a reference point for that last, seemingly harsh statement, go watch her fake cry during the Boys’ performance last weeks (specifically Big Mike).  And she wants to follow in Dad’s footsteps?  Wait, I guess if I re-read that she’d make a perfect politician. 

I think the only thing we can do is wait for the day she announces her Candidacy and make sure Paula’s ready to run against her.  We have to start thinking of a Campaign Slogan for her now: 

  • Paula for President!
  • I like Vic(odin)
  • Straight up now elect me
  • Hey Baby!  I’m forever your Senator

Please, please help me think of more.  Not for nothing, but I’m pretty sure we could get Paula to vote for the Healthcare bill if only for the subsidized prescriptions.


Oh yes it’s ladies night

March 9, 2010

Listen here, my damn driver left me stranded at the front door of my gym because he was a little too engrossed in something besides a paycheck to give a damn that I was shivering cold on this wintery, blustery Southern California night. It took me so long to make it up to my walled and gated mini-fortress high in the hills above Hollywood that I damn near missed some kind of ghastly make-out session between leading Lez-Bee-Anne “E” and acerbic tongued Simon. I sure hope she rinses that mouth of hers with a good disinfectant otherwise her wifey, Ms. Portia, will be the top guest of Dr. Oz for his va-jay-jay panic show. But listen kids, we aren’t here to talk about scared Britney parts, we’re here to discuss scared sangers who have Hollywood stars in their beady little eyes.

Katie Stevens
Breakaway
My great-grandmother always said if you ain’t got nuthin good to say, then zip it. So, there’s that.

Siobhan Magnus
House of the Rising Sun
I have not liked this gurl and I’m not about to start now even if she did sing about my beloved Big Easy. Thank the gods/godesses for Simon cuz the other buffoons masquerading as judges obviously hit the same crack pipe before listening to this nauseating mess of a performance. And, let me just say right now, Ryan needs to quit auditioning for Simon’s spot next season. Just cuz you got a damn radio show don’t mean you know sh*t-from-shinola Mr. Teeth!

Lacey Brown
The Story
We rather liked this quirky, country-fied performance. Totally best performance this chicklet has put out to-date! WooHoo Simon even liked it. Now would we run right out and spend our hard-earned (by Hollywood standards of course) dollars on her CD? Ummm, no! BUT we thought it was fun. A bit boring, but fun.

Katelyn Epperly
I feel the earth move
Love the hair. Other than that, the earth did not move which is quite shocking given that I live in Southern California.

DiDi Benami
Rhiannon
So much better that last week but does that an Idol make? We think not! No indidi!

Paige Miles
Smile
No smile could make this performance less boooooring.

Crystal Bowersocks
Give Me One Reason
How can you pick just one reason from this Uh-May-Zing performance by the subway singer? Damn y’all, this gurl opens her mouth and makes me think of all sorts of naughty and nasty thoughts about subways and reasons and stuff. I’m with E…sick and tired of saying amazing to describe this little gurl. Lawd!! “Baby there ain’t no more to say!”

Lilly Scott
I Fall to Pieces
She was playing a damn mandolin y’all! She sounded like a cross between Patsy Kline and Jenna Jamison and I’m just not sure that middle-America who are already having a problem with “Degenerate” as a judge, can get behind a porn sanger. But hey, that’s just jaded ole me and what the hell do I know? Nothing dammit! Not a damn thing!

Well, these little gurls got themselves all gussied up and kinda, sorta sang their little ole hearts out but I kinda wonder if it was just another night of karaoke down at The Silver Fox. Ya heard?!


2 plus 2 equals 16

March 4, 2010

Jeezis, does Ryan ever shut the hell up? This schtic he’s got is as corny as my great-grandmother’s false teeth after a Sunday dinner of fried chicken, mashed taters and good old-fashioned corn-on-the-cob.

After the usual drawn out drivel from teeth, the big announcement approaches. And the winner is…JOHN PARK? WTF??? They passed over the boy from Glee AND Todrick?? Again…WTF?!?!?

More results on the guys side…Lee is safe…no shocker there. Aaron…is safe. Ugh. Mullet guy is safe as well. Jermaine and Andrew down to center court. Ok, this isn’t even a contest…why make these boys sweat? We know who it is…right? Right! Buh-bye Jermaine.

Ohhh yay!! Danny Gokey, that big queen with more glasses than Imelda Marcos had shoes, will be “performing” after the break. Woopee!! OMG…he’s country? Cute drummer though. But really? My best days will not be breaking records anytime soon. Bleck. The Professor hates. I bet you do too.

Ok, girls results. By the way, teaser for the news…something happened between Ryan and the Stage Manager? Oh shocker…Lily’s safe. Paige is…safe. Didi and Michelle…hell I’d send Michelle home before Didi but it’s not by much…well, looks like I was right. C-ya Michelle.

And we’re back. That one girl’s safe. So is the winner. Siobhan is…safe…ugh…why?!?!! Oh wait a minute…Haley and Lacey. Hmmmm…I’d keep Lacey. Guess y’all agree.

And there ya have it. Your top 16!! Wait, did I just hear the stage manager screaming…holy crap! Message to Debbie…that was fun! The unemployment line in over on Figueroa. Think you better leave right now.


Girls night!

March 3, 2010

Hola!

I’m the Prof. and this….*twothreefour*….is American Idol!  I live-blogged tonight and also switched out the hard drive in my PS3.  Multitasking my ass off, thank you VERY MUCH.

Anyway, after dealing with the the whole Hospital scare, we have no new information and do find out that Crystal is performing.  So yay for that.

Crystal Bowersox – Wow!  I loved that.  The judges loved that.  Simon loved that.  What else do you need to know?  She’s real, she’s real good, and she’s really actually like-able, a rare trifecta for Idol.

Haeley Vaughn – Is she trying to sound like Dolly Parton?  Because she sounds like a lispy young drag queen.  Struggled, unpleasant, and OFF KEY.  FAIL.

Simon getting booed and actually being funny for once:  “It’s ironic you sang ‘The Climb’ because you just fell off.”  That proved snort-worthy.  He’s funnier when he’s meaner.  Lose the girls that boo, let Simon be mean, it’s WAY MORE entertaining and you know I’m right.

Lacey Brown – a milque-toast Pat Benetar.  She’s doing high-end Karaoke and singing with a super-fake country accent.  Double FAIL.  For the record, I wrote that before Randy said it.

Katie Stevens – “Put cho rekids on”  She, just like Lacey, is simply mimicking what she heard on the radio.  Insincere, flat and boring.

Listening to Kara, I realize that we’re basically watching a very high-end Gong Show and she’s Jamie Farr.  Also, the toss back to Ryan after the Judges are done assessing who then tries to get them to give actually “useful” advice, especially when trying to admonish Simon, is excruciatingly tedious.  Just make with call-in/text numbers, you microphone monkey.

DiDi Benami – “Lean on me”  Channeling a modern day low-rent Carly Simon, DiDi, isn’t terrible.  She’s not.  But, I offer that this not “America’s least terrible” and I can’t see her as an Idol.

Who put Randy in charge moving the Judges along?  I want to hate it, but I love it.  He’s all “I don’t know, whachuthink, E?”  Then Ellen does her schtick, and then Randy tosses to Kara, but he doesn’t shut her up to move along to Simon.  Hmmmm.

Michelle Delamor – First of all, she can actually sing, which is a refreshing change from the previous contestants tonight (except Crystal obviously).  In other news, what the HELL is she wearing?  A white Prom Dress over skinny jeans, black half-jacket and Janet gloves circa Rhythm Nation?  Yeah, fashion fail.  Randy loving it proves I’m right, it’s hideous.  Ellen liking it also proves it’s hideous.  Vera Wang liking it proves nothing.  She’s almost there vocally, but not quite.  She needs to stay another week or 3, though.

Lily Scott – Strikes me as a one trick pony.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great trick…but I think I’d be annoyed at the prospect of hearing two songs in a row from her, and that’s definitely not a good sign.  She’s “aight” but Crystal killed her.  And Randy liking it better than Crystal proves he needs to go.  Kara’s on crack, it wasn’t a “moment” it was “aight”.  I LOVE SIMON for being so honest.  He’s right, Crystal was stronger.

Katelyn Epperly – “The Scientist” by Coldplay.  HOLY SHIT we got us a competition.  Randy, again, is wrong.  He’s always so wrong.  I want him to go 24 hours without saying the word “Pitch”, “Pitchy” or figure out other adjectives that further explain why “something” didn’t work for him.  Ellen’s wrong.  Why is Ellen also wrong?  What the hell?  Kara “I kind of love you” wins for the stupidest comment ever in the history of American Idol, except for anything Paula ever said.  That said, I miss Paula now, more than ever.  Katelyn needs to stay, I got a dose of her style and it’s a scary (bad) romance love child of GaGa and Sarah McClachlan.  I think when the judges go back and re-listen they’ll feel like assholes.

Paige Miles – “I Like to Color”.  Trying to sing Kelly Clarkson.  Right.  Meh.  Are you out of your mind trying to sing some Kelly?  Really?  I didn’t hate it, she does have a nice voice, possibly the best one, but for once, Kara got to be right.  Helps that she wrote the damn song, but she is right.  I was driving home from work like 3 or 4 years ago, and that song was on the radio.   I was on a high coming home from the gym, all amped up from the endorphins.  I sang that song so loud and proud I damn near wrecked my car.  Kara’s right, you have to mean it, you weren’t feeling the guy, you shouldn’t be smiling when you tell him to take a hike.

Siobhan Magnus – I HATED her last week.  A LOT.  Self-administered mohawk?  Pretty cute.  Warm up exercise?  Cute.  Aretha?  NOT CUTE.  Wrong song.  looking like a modern day Stepford Teen, screeching like an idiot.  Randy loving it proves it sucked.  I can’t get over that note either, Kara?  Thank you Simon: “You are interesting…”  I’ll give her that.

In summary, Crystal will win the entire competition.

Paige and Katelyn, nice job, you can leave the runway.

Prof.


Messin w/ my mind

March 2, 2010

Listen, by the time the Idol came on tonight, I’ll be honest, I had already pounded a goodly portion of a bottle of very expensive Pinot Noir in an effort to create a new and improved Drunk Paula drinking game for all y’all degenerates who feel the need to tipple a few in an effort to block out some of the caterwauling that parades itself across our tee vees. And boy howdy was there ever some caterwauling. Now listen y’all, I’m gonna hope you can make a little sense of my thoughts here cuz lord knows, given the mess I’ve got to work with and my slightly pickled brain, that could prove to be a bit on difficult side.

Big Mike
It’s a Man’s World
Oh Lawd y’all, Big Mike may give the impression of being a manly, man’s man, but with all that pressing of pint-sized metrosexual Ryan Seacrest AND the fact that home-boy loves him some thee-a-tah, one could be excused for thinking something otherwise. Big Mike opened up the show like a show should be…with some pizazz and some pursing of the lips in a manner that made ya wanna reach through the tee-vee screen and do something naughty with ’em.

John Park
Gravity
I just don’t feel connected to the technically good performances this purdy young man from Chicago via Korea puts on. And that’s all there is to say about this one…except of course that when Simon said he thought this might be the end of the road, he hadn’t yet heard Todrick, Jermaine or Tim Urban.

Casey James
I Don’t Wanna Be
I don’t wanna hear this song again. It’s been done up and did over by every boy who imagine themselves to be the second coming of Mr. DeGraw who we all know has not even excited stage left. Enough already! But sweet jeezis, this boy is purdy to look at!

Alex Lambert
Everybody Knows
Lawd jeezis, this child with that mullet sangs in such a manner as to put impure and improper thoughts in my head.

Todrick Hall
What’s Love Got to do With it?
There really aren’t any words for this mess that paraded itself on our screen. Despite those unnaturally white teeth and spectacular eyes, there really ain’t anything goin on here that would cause me to do anything more than throw up a little in my mouth. Sweet jeezis what a mess!

Jermaine Sellers
What’s Goin On?
The only thing goin on for this freaky-deaky dude was that onesy which we promptly went and ordered for ourselves about two seconds into this revolting performance. Heck, we didn’t even both to hear what the judges had to say because frankly it couldn’t have been good…hell, even Drunk Paula couldn’t have made lemonade out of that sour-ass mess.

Andrew Garcia
You Give Me Something
Chills! That’s what this child gives me! Chills running the full length of my spine. I am in love with this child’s voice! Lawd jeezis! Agreed that it wasn’t the best song for this child, but ohhhhhhh lawd. I swooned!!!

Aaron Kelly
My Girl
Really? The good Pharmacist (who you’ll remember from season’s past as the ex who sometimes manages to bribe the guards outside the gate to my casa high in the hills above Hollywood so as to slip in and watch this farcical show) said this child will grow up to be a homosexual. I’m not a fan of the song, the performance or this sixteen year old child (and really, must we be reminded that he’s sixteen…huh?!).

Tim Urban
Come On Get High
I said to the Professor, that I needed to be high to get through this gawd-awful performance and frankly wanted to do as the song suggested and drown myself so as to get that putrid sound out of my ears. Thank the gawds for Miss Ellen suggesting this child should be on Glee…lawd, I wet myself from laughing over that one!!

Lee Dewyze
Lips of an Angel
Now really, there is no reason for this child to be pissing-himself-nervous. He’s just that good! Ok, not quite as good as Simon seems to imagine (hello, did anyone else see the major boner that Simon got when the Dewyzzle was belting out this little ditty), but still, this child can sing and has a commercial sound that would make an angel cheat on the gods.

It is my personal, but utterly meaningless opinion, that we’ve seen the last of Toadrick, Onesie and the boy from Glee. Well, in reality, one of them will stay around and if I had to choose which one of the three it would be, well, I just can’t. So, let’s have poll, which two of these three deserves the boot more?


Straight up disappointment

February 24, 2010

Listen, the Professor straight up brought the school house down with the lesson on boys and crying (it’s the rising estrogen levels, but don’t ask me how I know that…). So there’s just not much more I can add. Except you know me, there’s always something more I can say…

Here’s the deal, I watched a parade of near talentless (judging by their performances last night) boys who couldn’t stand out in a karaoke bar if they were the only patron in the dang place. There were some notable exceptions…

Those exceptions were the last three guys…Casey, the modelicious guy that caused some weird meltdown over at the judges table and the guy I waited all night to hear. I just love me some Andrew Garcia. I have since his first audition. Not only does he have a great story that just warms the cockles of my heart, but he’s got a voice that makes me want to be a stalker! Listen, his first audition rocked it! Then, in Hollywood week he straight up stole my heart and made me love Paula Abdul for reasons other than her drunken inappropriate behavior. Which is why I was all the more disappointed in his performance tonight. Don’t get me wrong, it was good…the best of the night…but it wasn’t up to the bar he’s already set.

Now listen, notes are coming in from around the world wondering about this dearth of talent that is stinking up the airwaves right now. I’ve got a call into that metrosexual of all metrosexuals to get to the bottom of this. We’ll see if I get a straight answer.

For now, we keep watching. For how much longer is anyone’s guess!


Silver Lining

February 24, 2010

Hello All and welcome to the “At least they got one thing right” portion of our show.  I’m the Professor and here’s what didn’t suck about last night’s craptacular shift into actually being a singing competition.  Before I bring you those tasty nuggets of wisdom, let us recap what was wrong:

Sucked:

  • Ellen liking everybody and everything.  I’m not saying to be mean, but c’mon already.  They need to know when they suck so they can’t say they didn’t know they sucked the next time they go on stage and suck again.  I’m well aware I just used “suck” 3 times in the same sentence.   
  • Ryan Seacrest continuing to suck in oxygen.  Our latest “I’m crazy and have lots of money” fake rumor:  Ryan is filling the void left by Michael Jackson and had a penile enlargement pump custom-built to 7 foot tall and 4 foot in diameter.  Right before the Live show, he stands inside it and has Randy Jackson and Big Mike take turns jumping on the ball-pump.  If he does it right, he’ll be tall enough to ride the Screamin’ Eagle at Six Flags by Summer.
  • Standing on the balcony and cheering for other contestants.  You don’t want THEM to do well, because YOU want to win, so why force them to cheer for each other, Idol Producers?  It’s a competition!  They should trip people when they walk down the stairs, hold their ears and wince in pain when they attempt (and fail…or rather SUCK trying) to hit big notes and talk smack about each other when they’re sitting on the Coke couch instead of talking about their kids (I don’t care), their Alzheimer’s-ridden Grandmother (I don’t care and neither does she) or that it’s “What I’ve been waiting for my whole life!”  Girl please, you’re 16.  Talk to me when you’re 40 and signing at the Holiday Inn off route 9 on Wednesdays and Fridays.  THEN you can be waiting for something “your whole life”.

What didn’t suck:

  • Once the judges looked around and realized that a hair and makeup Tasmanian drunkard named Paula wasn’t there, they unclenched and (OMG) actually started to give useful advice!  I was FLOORED when they agreed to disagree politely and Professionally without all of the hitting and “Shut Up”s.  Randy sounded for the first time ever like he actually might know a thing or two about a thing or two.  Simon was his usual abrasive self, but about halfway through the show, he actually said what they might try next time to do better!  I almost passed out.  Kara needs to stop with the eyeliner and the enthusiasm.  My issue with Ellen is above, so I won’t double-dip on her here.  The hand thing with Simon at the beginning of the show was extra-CHEESY and reminiscent of something they would’ve done in season 3 or 4, like the “Paula & Simon staged make out session in front of a fireplace” offered the unique, never-before-felt sensation of giggling uncontrollably while vomiting.  That’s a difficult trick to pull off, but leave it to the Idol Producers.  This “hand on knee” action is but a remnant, forcing me only to throw up a little in my mouth while snorting.  More singing, less vaudeville.
  • Speaking of singing, yes they all kind a sucked, but you miss my point:  they ALL kind of sucked, which means that they’re evenly matched.  This bodes well for later in the competition, when some of them stop sucking and start to pull away from the rest of the group.  In previous years, the front-runners were pretty obvious at this stage, because of the relative “suckosity” of the remaining contestants.  To be more succinct, it’s anybody’s game (except Siobhan Magnus, who needs to just…stop.  Make her stop.  Pull your Ford Fusion Hybrid to the side of the road, punch Kris Allen in the face for being Kris Allen, pull out your ATT mobile device and text the words “STOP SUCKING” to Idols07.  Regular Tex-Mex rates apply.
  • Superiority Complex.  I have one.  It is STRONG.  It is fed by the suckitude of the contestants and it’s been a year since I unleashed the snark within.  It’s hungry and needs to be fed.  No other show can feed the beast, it must be American Idol.  Sherlock Holmes has his Moriarty.  The White Spy has his African-American Spy.  Jon Stewart has Glenn Beck and the Professor has……………..American Idol!

Prof.

P.S.  Do you think Ryan gets drunk and does that annoying pause thing to torture the people he pays to be his friends?  I can imagine them in a bar  and him telling the waiter “I’ll have a 7……………………and 7!”  And his friends all laugh like it’s the first time he’s ever done it, and the waiter smiles because he wants a big tip and under the makeup and self-bronzer, Ryan dies a little inside?  Or is it just me?


Of Crap & Nerves

February 24, 2010

Listen, the Professor and I were chatting tonight and could think of no good thing about this drab bunch of performers. Perhaps it was because I needed a drink to make it more interesting. I mean, it’s hard to play the Drunk Paula Drinking Game without the primary character there to speed things along. Perhaps it was the fact that the Progeny’s puppy has, like the Progeny was want to do at a young age, shoved something poisonous into the mouth and become violently ill leaving dribblets of shyte spread from one end of my walled and gated casa high in the hills above Hollywood, to the other. Thanks a tree-like thing called a shrub, I have no house-gurl any longer to clean up messes and so there I was, trying to hold a conversation with the Professor while mopping floors of puppy goo. Listen, if y’all think I’m in a good and/or generous mood, y’all got another think comin! But I digress…

First, let’s talk about the judges table –

Coke cups looks like won out over Vitamin Water cups. Why God, why? Stupid montage played about Simon and Ellen. That was totally tonight’s WTF?! moment! Kara was there in all her 80’s bad hair glory perhaps trying to play up to the Drunk Paula crowd. Didn’t work! We hate her more! There really aren’t words for Randy, whose dawgs no longer bark. We do like his watch collection! And good old Simon…what to say…he’s kinda checked out already huh?! Which brings me to Ellen – Lord y’all, we do love this les-bee-ann, who has brought her brand of kooky comedienne to this sangin show. What we do NOT love is those crazy ass eyes that were buggin out at us the entire night…good jeezis those things scared us as they stalked us like an ice-blue leopard. Fix that stat! Again with the digression…need alcohol stat!

Now listen, the Professor popped up on my iPhone to inform me that

Siobhan Magnus SUCKS.

I can’t even pronounce her name, remember what she looks like, remember what she sang. Hell, I can’t remember anything about her. The next words of wisdom from the Professor came across the wires saying

C’mon Crystal! Blow us away!

Now listen, I don’t know if she blew us totally away, but hell, it was a damn sight better than just about anyone else. Which brings me to song selection and Simon’s [for once] under-used phrase “indulgent!” These gurls may have great voices, but as of right now they, none of them, not a damn one, picked out a song that didn’t sound like sad karaoke over at the A-OK-Corral down on the Sunset Strip. I have walked out on better!

I wanted to pick my top three and my bottom three, but frankly, since none of them stood out, I just can’t. At some point, my father’s sister, who use to drive me around as a child playing all sorts of fun pranks on the snakes that populated our little corner of the universe down in the Southern parts of these United States, has informed me that we really should vote to keep that girl from Colorado, Lilly Scott. She weren’t too bad, so…there ya have it! Someone we can like!

Add that to Crystal, who, while not blowing us totally away, was better than most, and what you have here is two out of twelve who we can work with based off of tonight’s lackluster and perhaps nervous performances. Listen it was crap on the tee-vee and crap on the floor. Lawd y’all, was just too much crap for one sane person to deal with.

I’d love to throw-up a poll that asks who ya liked or who should go home, but after tonight’s performances, do ya even care?


It’s a new day…

January 11, 2010

Yes, you too have heard the words to this jingle probably as often as we here at Idol Chatter have. Everyone from Michael Buble to Wil.I.Am have recorded this little wonderous ode to new beginnings and all that sh*t! And really y’all, we do like this ditty, yes we do! And frankly, we feel the words just might be appropriate given all the news that has been surrounding this fast fading juggernaut called Idol.

Now listen real fast kids because we’ve got a bunch to say and damn near little time to say it in.

Ok, we all know that Drunk Paula ain’t comin back no mo, no mo, no mo, no mo. We’ve cried in our beer and felt like someone pissed in our Wheaties over the loss of this adult imbecile who couldn’t give constructive criticism to her cat let alone some sangers who were tryin their damnedest to hit the “big time” (and can we just say here that the “big time” really ain’t it all cracked up to be…we should know after spending 9 long years in this little microcosm called Holly-weird!). Heck, over a cajun spiced tuna steak salad at the wildly-popular-with-the-stars Katsuya, with that metrosexual of metrosexuals, we threatened to discontinue our watchin and writin about what has been heretofore, our favorite damn show on the tee-vee unless Drunk Paula was given her dues and rightfully brought back to the damn judges table. Apparently though all we are good for is picking up the damn tab…like that big and shiny toothed metro-sexual doesn’t make enough damn money to pic up the tab. Drunk Paula’s gone ya’ll and there ain’t a damn thing gonna be done about it so, suck it up.

Now listen here, just about the time we had done written off this damn karaoke show that drives all the little girls (and boys although only about 10% of them if you get my drift) plumb crazy, along comes news that a new judge was being added to round out the table to four once again. We here at Idol Chatter laughed out loud just a little to think how pissed off that damn Kara person must have been to know that she wouldn’t be the only female judge at the table. We do not like Kara not then, not now, not ever! But we’ve digressed.

Anyhoo, word came rather covertly up to our little walled and gated fortress like casa high in the hills over Hollywood that hip and recently married lezbian, Ellen DeGeneres would be rounding out the judges table. Now listen here kids, we nearly wet ourselves without any damn shame when we heard them words. Lawd, a small majority of Californians may have cheated the good gays and lesbians out of their right to live in some kind of marital bliss but, Miss Ellen and her lady-mate figured out a work-around for that one and now the very [legally] married Miss Ellen will be right there for all the good boys and girls to see giving her opinions that we all know will be a damn lot more coherent and constructive than anything that ever fell out of Drunk Paula’s mouth. Hell, she’ll probably make more sense than Randy and Kara combined. Oh lawd, after this great news, we determined right then and there to watch this show on the regular once again!

And kids, that’s where things have stayed until today when we opened up a copy of some newspaper and saw confirmed what we’ve been hearing from every-damn-body up and down the Sunset Strip. Yup, acerbic mouthed Simon is leavin! Straight up!

Damn that driver of mine…blowin the horn like he was in a hurry! Need to remember who writes out those checks that he hurriedly deposits. Any-hoo, despite all that clattering I really must finish this up.

We MAY have threatened before, but this is not a threat. We WILL watch American Idol this season and it WILL be our last season! So, enjoy hanging out with our loud and foul-mouthed (and more often than not drunk) self for this one last season. After that we’ll be on to bigger and better things!

Bring it on bitches!


The Final Countdown

May 19, 2009

Now listen here kids, I am not in any kind of mood to be dealing with any sass from you about what I’m fixin to say! I’m just not! Don’t have it in me! I’m tired, my damn driver is stuck in some sort of traffic and I have a very early appointment with one very strict personal trainer who is going to work me over until I turn into some sort of wet noodle like humanoid. So, no, I’m just not interested in hearing about it from the likes of you!

First off, because of the good Farmacist’s apparent interest in this season of Idol and, as a [very generous] reward for having made the first ever votes, I traded favors like no tomorrow and scammed and scored two tickets to tonight’s little shindig at the NOKIA.

As luck would have it, right next door, my hometown team the Lakers were bouncing a little orange ball around a hardwood floor in a hard-fought victory over Carmello and his Nuggets. Now listen kids, I know that we won because I’ve been checking the scores out between performances. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s talk about what went on in the damn NOKIA tonight!

First off, the judges actually gave a sh*t about their appearance. Except for Paula who looked like she had been left outside just a little too long and was fried up in a shade that would make my chef damn proud were he cooking up fried shrimps (a favorite around my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood).

Second, there were a sh*t load of screaming MO-RONS in the damn NOKIA! My head probably would have been in a better shape had I traipsed over to the Staples Center and had Kobe bounce his ball all over me.

And third, Kara SU,UUUUUCKS!

But really, we’re here to see who the hell did the damn thing already and wrapped up this little competition. Now, Guy-Liner did not win the coin toss and, like the quiet, but uber-smart child that he is, Kris banished him to perform first. So, let’s talk about these performances.

Adam
Mad World
Change Is Gonna Come
No Boundaries

Reprising one of his better performances from this past season, Adam came out in full on Marilyn Manson regalia and damn near brought the house down. Kids, this child is a performer from the word GO! With the hair and the eyeliner, the jacket and that damn dry ice sh*t damn near sickening me from my perch just a little too close to the stage, it was just something else! He performed this number even better than earlier in the season.

Now for the second number, Simon someone or other, the old geezer now in charge of running this pompous show, plucked out of his well-worn tall hat a little Sam Cooke number! And lawd kids, this child damn near sang this song to perfection! Woo, I will say this is the best I have EVAH heard this child perform! The real question is, did it get my vote. Winner of Round 2!

For his third number, this child was forced, yes, forced to perform the winner’s next “single!” What a farcical load of sh*t-balls this song was. Just one of the many reasons why I think Kara de’shoot me now needs to get the hell off the stage. Hell, not one damn judge (well, except herself of course) had a nice word for this song! PU-UKE! Neither child will be judged or graded on how they perform this number! HELL TO THE NO!

Kris
Ain’t No Sunshine
What’s Goin On
No Boundaries

Now listen here kids, I was hopin and a praying that I would get to see little Mr. Hot-Stuff perform that ditty he did last week that just sent me and the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, into a voting frenzy. But you know, I’m just damn glad he didn’t. That song is still fresh in my mind, but, I had forgotten about “Ain’t No Sunshine!” Damn, Damn, Damn! This child done rang my bell! I have TiVo’d this little number and will watch when I get home. I have also purchased from the iTune’s store – a place I don’t like, but frankly couldn’t help but visiting! Grouchy old Simon was right, Kris took Round 1 hands-freakin-down!

This Simon guy must have been feeling nostalgic for the “good old days” when he was a youngster as he picked a Marvin Gaye classic for baby-boy Kris. And, Kris did all right on this performance. Frankly, Randy was right, it was not quite a big enough song for that big old theater. But, it wasn’t nearly as bad as Simon said. I could give a f*ck less what the other two judges thought.

Lawd kids, this dumb b*tch Kara has rambled on and on acting like she’s she queen sh*t around this pompous-ass show tonight. Given the “reception” that the audience gave this song tonight (don’t know how it translated onto the telly), she should go hide her head in shame. We LAUGHED out loud as this disaster of a “single” and could give neither Kris nor Adam an advantage based on this damn song!

Now listen, I’m STILL sitting in some f*cked up traffic and I ain’t happy about it. The good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, has been self-medicating and is snoring like a damn grizzly bear. I just wanna climb into bed already! Tomorrow night, we’ll find out who is taking home the whole enchilada. In truth though, these two are mighty fine performers and will have long and successful careers ahead of them. While we’ve got our favorite here at Idol Chatter, we won’t be disappointed whatever the outcome! Which, in our minds, is perhaps what makes this the best season of Idol ever!