Country-Fried Duo

Listen kids, we are down to the final two and good golly miss molly, how crazy it has turned out to be. I mean really, who’d have thunk at the very beginning of one of the most talented pool of sangers we’d be treated to the two youngest, perhaps not as vocally gifted two of the entire pack…and they both are pure country. Lawd-a-mercy y’all, ain’t that something else? And so there ya have it, Baby Lockthemdoors, who we all know will win, and that little plush cushion, Little Miss Lauren Alaina.

Now as if that weren’t strange enough, at some point this afternoon I received a covert communication from one of my well-placed (but unnamed sources) over at the Nokia, who said “grab hold of yer britches, cuz it looks like Little Miss Lauren Alaina is kerput for the season!” As if that wasn’t enough, that pretty little blond chick who had the unfortunate misfortune of landing on her derrier had been tracked down and brought to the theater to take the place of the “I cain’t saaaang, I’ve lost my voice” Miss Lauren Alaina. Well, I nearly fell off of my stool in shock and awe!! Of course, I shoulda known better…this is American Idol where the use of performance enhancing drugs is not banned as it is in every other damn sport. So, that pretty little plush cushion, Little Miss Lauren Alaina has been pumped full of drugs and is so high she doesn’t hardly know where she’s at, but y’all, she’s gonna SANG! Woo-Damn-Hoo!!!

Tonight, of course, there will be three rounds – Round 1 will be the contestant’s favorite number from the season – Round 2 will be chosen by our finalists’ Idols (George Straight and Carrie Underwood) and then, of course, Round 3, that gawd-awful “first single” number should they win. Gee-whiskers y’all! What a night! Is Glee on yet?

Ok, first up (and after the “coin” toss) is Baby Lockthemdoors –

Baby Lockthemdoors
Gone!
Well, if you gonna choose a number that shows off your pipes and performance skills, guess this would be the one. I ain’t gonna complain. I really don’t have anything else to say about this performance because, let’s get real, this child’s already won!

Check Yes or No (George Straight)
Go figure that Mr. Country (yes, Georgie-boy) decided to chose his own song for our little Baby Lockthemdoors to perform. I wish this was a good song choice, but for me it was about as lack-luster as any that our winner has done for the entire season. I’m non-plussed by this choice, by this performance and by the lack of judges commentary. Is Glee on yet?

I Love You This Big
Scotty’s first “single” was introduced by Jimmy Numnuts who vowed and declared that this was the ONE for Scotty. As with every season past, this number is just pathetic and didn’t do a damn thing to show off that amazing voice that we’ve come to love about Baby Lockthemdoors. I certainly wasn’t expecting much with this number and I was not disappointed…much to my disappointment. I did NOT love it “this big.”

Lauren Alaina
Flat on the Floor
Let’s first talk about that outfit – holy mary mother of buddha, what the hell was that thing? In fact, I’m still so stuck on that hideous choice of outfits that I can’t even begin to talk about the doped-up, yet strangely lack-luster performance. Maybe I’m just not a country fan. Is that it? Boring!

Maybe it was Memphis (Carrie Underwood)
Well, Memphis is damn near under-water so, this makes sense…I think. Once again I find myself totally hung up on this atrocious outfit. I mean, is this child trying to look like Wynona Judd? Having said that, I’m gonna give, by a hair, the second round to plush cushion.

Like My Mother Does
Well, let’s get out the mother vote! YAY for mom’s!! Mine is currently in the Philippines and I kinda miss her…ok, I miss her a lot. And yeah, I see mother all over me. So yeah, this was a markedly better number than they gave Baby Lockthemdoors. And, she looked pretty for the first time tonight. Hmmmm..suddenly I’m not sure if Baby Lockthemdoors has a lock on tonight. Of course, she was high as a kite when she sang it…something Steven Tyler knows ALL about! So, I ain’t hatin.

Well y’all…that’s it! The big night is over! Non-plussed is the word of the night! Is it because it’s all country tonight? Perhaps! I’m pullin for Baby Lockthemdoors just cuz he vibrates that voice and knows how to work the hell out of a stage! He’s a true pro that, in my humble and totally meaningless opinion, is maybe the male version of Carrie Underwood! Yeah, I said it!! Someone needs to! All right y’all…go vote!

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