First off, let me just admit straight up that last week I got punked. I mean seriously, who’d’uv thunk that we would be sending that ever-so-slightly indulgent hometown boy James Durbin home. Listen, that child showed up to a 30k crowd in Santa Cruz and let me tell you, getting that many stoners and surfer off the couch and out of the water was a minor miracle. Anyway, I’m gone off the track all ready and since tonight is such a big night and all, let’s just get right down to brass tacks.
Mr. Metrosexual (aka Teeth aka Mic Jockey) has laid down the ground rules for this two hour show. First up will be Contestant’s choice. I’d expect a lot of country-fried steak happening in this one except that Bey has been brought in as the “mentor.” Now this stripper knows how to work a pole and look good doing it, but some, not saying me, but some, might suggest she’s slightly less than talented in the screeching department (Run The World Girls being exhibit A). Second will be Jimmy Numnuts which means that mostly we’ll expect nothing really at all that will be worthy of anything except “hey, my name’s Jimmy Numnuts and I’m a recording music god, bow down and lick my shoes” and of course everyone will because, well you know, he’s Mr. Numnuts! Third round will be Judges’ choice. Let’s just say, I’m laughing all ready. I mean, if season’s past are any indication, this round will be the most awful song selection, the most poorly performed of the night and the most lavishly praised. Yeah, you get the point!
Without further ado, let’s dive right into this mess!
Amazed (Contestant’s Choice)
Now listen here, I’m not much of a country-fried music fan, but I have always liked this Lonestar number. And I’ll be honest MY BOY ROCKED THE SH*T OUTTA IT!!!! There just ain’t nothing more to say! This child knows how to rock the heck out of a stage! Yup, this child chose wisely and is winning!
Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not? (Numnut’s Choice)
This child is a true artist! He’s got this sh*t dialed the heck in! Even Numnuts couldn’t eff it up! This child has a real chance of winning the show and this is exactly why! This child knows how to work a stage and work a song! Please though, NO, do NOT shave the head not even if the most beautiful woman in the world tells you to!
She Believes In Me (Judges’ Choice)
Seriously? You gave this child Kenny Rogers? Would he do it? Could he do it? Seriously, why am I even asking these questions. Duh! This child is “in it to win it!” Loved this performance!! Was it enough to put him in the finale? Let’s see what these little girls have for us!
Wild One (Contestant’s Choice)
Let’s just say, I just forwarded right through this performance. Couldn’t care if she’s winning or not! What I do know is that she looked like she’d raided the crazy granny’s (from “Raising Hope” [mawmaw]) closet. Sweet gods and goodesses, what is up with those crazy lady flowers growing out her head? I mean, just the entire outfit screamed I’ve just left the single wide for a beer run to the piggly wiggly down at the one blinking stop light for twenty-five miles around. I do think it’s important that we all admit that Bey is rockin the hell outta that rock! Jay-Z sure does know how to pick out some bling! Funny, the judges all said she sucked in such a way that she thinks they said she rocked! Priceless! That is all!
If I Die Young (Numnut’s Choice)
Here’s the deal, this was not a real strong performance. In fact, I would call it a “safe” choice. Nothing too special. Exactly what I’d expect from Numnuts. The most exciting part of this performance was Ryan asking if he could rub “shimmer” on her legs which was just the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. There’s just nothing more to say. Another “not winning” performance from this child.
I Hope You Dance (Judges’ Choice)
Even before this child opened her mouth, I was bored. This child has been tossed softballs all night and has done nothing more than the most basic thing she should with them. It’s not that she has sounded awful tonight, no! It’s that she’s been boring and her “aw shucks” sensibility is just, well, played out. I’m gagged at the way the judges have just humped this child’s leg. Meh!
What Is and What Should Never Be (Contestant’s Choice)
Look, this little girl was working the heck outta this performance when suddenly, she slid on her ass across the stage and came back up ON FIRE!!! This child WON this performance HANDS. EFFING. DOWN!! And with her dad playing the dang gee-tar as her back up!! I mean, how many ways can you say WINNING? HUH? Only one for me…HALEY!!!
Rhiannon (Numnut’s Choice)
Now this is exactly what I’d expect from Numnuts! Off all the Stevie Nicks’ song, why this one? Having said that, little Haley is having a NIGHT! Hawd DANG!!! J-Lo said it was an ethreal moment, no thanks to Numnuts! I’m giving this a win but, have to admit that Scotty took this round, which was exactly what Numnuts wanted.
You Oughta Know (Judge’s Choice)
What the eff were these judges thinking? Alanis Morrisette? Seriously? Well, I already called that these judge would eff this whole thing up and they have not disappointed. Having said that, this child worked it the eff out!!!!
Here’s the deal, Haley’s getting my vote tonight! Hands down! It seems like Numnuts and the Judges don’t want her in the finale which is just stupid!!! But whatever! Listen, Scotty and Haley are in my finale! I hope like hell y’all send boring ass Lauren Alaina how! You won’t, but a boy can dream!
And, with that, I’m off to vote for my girl!