Country-Fried Duo

May 24, 2011

Listen kids, we are down to the final two and good golly miss molly, how crazy it has turned out to be. I mean really, who’d have thunk at the very beginning of one of the most talented pool of sangers we’d be treated to the two youngest, perhaps not as vocally gifted two of the entire pack…and they both are pure country. Lawd-a-mercy y’all, ain’t that something else? And so there ya have it, Baby Lockthemdoors, who we all know will win, and that little plush cushion, Little Miss Lauren Alaina.

Now as if that weren’t strange enough, at some point this afternoon I received a covert communication from one of my well-placed (but unnamed sources) over at the Nokia, who said “grab hold of yer britches, cuz it looks like Little Miss Lauren Alaina is kerput for the season!” As if that wasn’t enough, that pretty little blond chick who had the unfortunate misfortune of landing on her derrier had been tracked down and brought to the theater to take the place of the “I cain’t saaaang, I’ve lost my voice” Miss Lauren Alaina. Well, I nearly fell off of my stool in shock and awe!! Of course, I shoulda known better…this is American Idol where the use of performance enhancing drugs is not banned as it is in every other damn sport. So, that pretty little plush cushion, Little Miss Lauren Alaina has been pumped full of drugs and is so high she doesn’t hardly know where she’s at, but y’all, she’s gonna SANG! Woo-Damn-Hoo!!!

Tonight, of course, there will be three rounds – Round 1 will be the contestant’s favorite number from the season – Round 2 will be chosen by our finalists’ Idols (George Straight and Carrie Underwood) and then, of course, Round 3, that gawd-awful “first single” number should they win. Gee-whiskers y’all! What a night! Is Glee on yet?

Ok, first up (and after the “coin” toss) is Baby Lockthemdoors –

Baby Lockthemdoors
Well, if you gonna choose a number that shows off your pipes and performance skills, guess this would be the one. I ain’t gonna complain. I really don’t have anything else to say about this performance because, let’s get real, this child’s already won!

Check Yes or No (George Straight)
Go figure that Mr. Country (yes, Georgie-boy) decided to chose his own song for our little Baby Lockthemdoors to perform. I wish this was a good song choice, but for me it was about as lack-luster as any that our winner has done for the entire season. I’m non-plussed by this choice, by this performance and by the lack of judges commentary. Is Glee on yet?

I Love You This Big
Scotty’s first “single” was introduced by Jimmy Numnuts who vowed and declared that this was the ONE for Scotty. As with every season past, this number is just pathetic and didn’t do a damn thing to show off that amazing voice that we’ve come to love about Baby Lockthemdoors. I certainly wasn’t expecting much with this number and I was not disappointed…much to my disappointment. I did NOT love it “this big.”

Lauren Alaina
Flat on the Floor
Let’s first talk about that outfit – holy mary mother of buddha, what the hell was that thing? In fact, I’m still so stuck on that hideous choice of outfits that I can’t even begin to talk about the doped-up, yet strangely lack-luster performance. Maybe I’m just not a country fan. Is that it? Boring!

Maybe it was Memphis (Carrie Underwood)
Well, Memphis is damn near under-water so, this makes sense…I think. Once again I find myself totally hung up on this atrocious outfit. I mean, is this child trying to look like Wynona Judd? Having said that, I’m gonna give, by a hair, the second round to plush cushion.

Like My Mother Does
Well, let’s get out the mother vote! YAY for mom’s!! Mine is currently in the Philippines and I kinda miss her…ok, I miss her a lot. And yeah, I see mother all over me. So yeah, this was a markedly better number than they gave Baby Lockthemdoors. And, she looked pretty for the first time tonight. Hmmmm..suddenly I’m not sure if Baby Lockthemdoors has a lock on tonight. Of course, she was high as a kite when she sang it…something Steven Tyler knows ALL about! So, I ain’t hatin.

Well y’all…that’s it! The big night is over! Non-plussed is the word of the night! Is it because it’s all country tonight? Perhaps! I’m pullin for Baby Lockthemdoors just cuz he vibrates that voice and knows how to work the hell out of a stage! He’s a true pro that, in my humble and totally meaningless opinion, is maybe the male version of Carrie Underwood! Yeah, I said it!! Someone needs to! All right y’all…go vote!

In it to win it?

May 18, 2011

First off, let me just admit straight up that last week I got punked. I mean seriously, who’d’uv thunk that we would be sending that ever-so-slightly indulgent hometown boy James Durbin home. Listen, that child showed up to a 30k crowd in Santa Cruz and let me tell you, getting that many stoners and surfer off the couch and out of the water was a minor miracle. Anyway, I’m gone off the track all ready and since tonight is such a big night and all, let’s just get right down to brass tacks.

Mr. Metrosexual (aka Teeth aka Mic Jockey) has laid down the ground rules for this two hour show. First up will be Contestant’s choice. I’d expect a lot of country-fried steak happening in this one except that Bey has been brought in as the “mentor.” Now this stripper knows how to work a pole and look good doing it, but some, not saying me, but some, might suggest she’s slightly less than talented in the screeching department (Run The World Girls being exhibit A). Second will be Jimmy Numnuts which means that mostly we’ll expect nothing really at all that will be worthy of anything except “hey, my name’s Jimmy Numnuts and I’m a recording music god, bow down and lick my shoes” and of course everyone will because, well you know, he’s Mr. Numnuts! Third round will be Judges’ choice. Let’s just say, I’m laughing all ready. I mean, if season’s past are any indication, this round will be the most awful song selection, the most poorly performed of the night and the most lavishly praised. Yeah, you get the point!

Without further ado, let’s dive right into this mess!

Baby Lockthemdoors
Amazed (Contestant’s Choice)
Now listen here, I’m not much of a country-fried music fan, but I have always liked this Lonestar number. And I’ll be honest MY BOY ROCKED THE SH*T OUTTA IT!!!! There just ain’t nothing more to say! This child knows how to rock the heck out of a stage! Yup, this child chose wisely and is winning!

Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not? (Numnut’s Choice)
This child is a true artist! He’s got this sh*t dialed the heck in! Even Numnuts couldn’t eff it up! This child has a real chance of winning the show and this is exactly why! This child knows how to work a stage and work a song! Please though, NO, do NOT shave the head not even if the most beautiful woman in the world tells you to!

She Believes In Me (Judges’ Choice)
Seriously? You gave this child Kenny Rogers? Would he do it? Could he do it? Seriously, why am I even asking these questions. Duh! This child is “in it to win it!” Loved this performance!! Was it enough to put him in the finale? Let’s see what these little girls have for us!

Lauren Alaina
Wild One (Contestant’s Choice)
Let’s just say, I just forwarded right through this performance. Couldn’t care if she’s winning or not! What I do know is that she looked like she’d raided the crazy granny’s (from “Raising Hope” [mawmaw]) closet. Sweet gods and goodesses, what is up with those crazy lady flowers growing out her head? I mean, just the entire outfit screamed I’ve just left the single wide for a beer run to the piggly wiggly down at the one blinking stop light for twenty-five miles around. I do think it’s important that we all admit that Bey is rockin the hell outta that rock! Jay-Z sure does know how to pick out some bling! Funny, the judges all said she sucked in such a way that she thinks they said she rocked! Priceless! That is all!

If I Die Young (Numnut’s Choice)
Here’s the deal, this was not a real strong performance. In fact, I would call it a “safe” choice. Nothing too special. Exactly what I’d expect from Numnuts. The most exciting part of this performance was Ryan asking if he could rub “shimmer” on her legs which was just the creepiest thing I’ve ever heard. There’s just nothing more to say. Another “not winning” performance from this child.

I Hope You Dance (Judges’ Choice)
Even before this child opened her mouth, I was bored. This child has been tossed softballs all night and has done nothing more than the most basic thing she should with them. It’s not that she has sounded awful tonight, no! It’s that she’s been boring and her “aw shucks” sensibility is just, well, played out. I’m gagged at the way the judges have just humped this child’s leg. Meh!

Haley Reinhart
What Is and What Should Never Be (Contestant’s Choice)
Look, this little girl was working the heck outta this performance when suddenly, she slid on her ass across the stage and came back up ON FIRE!!! This child WON this performance HANDS. EFFING. DOWN!! And with her dad playing the dang gee-tar as her back up!! I mean, how many ways can you say WINNING? HUH? Only one for me…HALEY!!!

Rhiannon (Numnut’s Choice)
Now this is exactly what I’d expect from Numnuts! Off all the Stevie Nicks’ song, why this one? Having said that, little Haley is having a NIGHT! Hawd DANG!!! J-Lo said it was an ethreal moment, no thanks to Numnuts! I’m giving this a win but, have to admit that Scotty took this round, which was exactly what Numnuts wanted.

You Oughta Know (Judge’s Choice)
What the eff were these judges thinking? Alanis Morrisette? Seriously? Well, I already called that these judge would eff this whole thing up and they have not disappointed. Having said that, this child worked it the eff out!!!!

Here’s the deal, Haley’s getting my vote tonight! Hands down! It seems like Numnuts and the Judges don’t want her in the finale which is just stupid!!! But whatever! Listen, Scotty and Haley are in my finale! I hope like hell y’all send boring ass Lauren Alaina how! You won’t, but a boy can dream!

And, with that, I’m off to vote for my girl!

Technical Difficulties

May 11, 2011

Due wireless connectivity issues at my little beach hut (and a neighbor’s birthday party…ok, mostly a neighbor’s birthday party), a recap of tonight’s American Idol show cannot be written…at least well.

I was able to see the portion where her holiness, our Lady of the GaGa, did some mentoring and hip moving with our final four. Unfortunately due to the technical difficulties, I can’t really talk much about the performances.

While I couldn’t watch the first part, the second, GaGa part, played out like this – Haley is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. James is pretty good. Baby Lockthemdoors is skating right along without blazing any new or interesting trails (we still love the vibration that comes from that child) and Lauren has reached the end of her honkey-tonk road (wave good-bye Lauren!).

And with that, I’m outta here!!

Dueces are wild!

May 4, 2011

Tonight, in an effort to fill up an hour and a half, but with only five remaining sangers, each were given two performances so as to show off their vocal chops. First, a contemporary number and then a “your momma and poppa’s generation” number. Listen y’all, I’m all kinds of tired after consuming a few too many cocktails last night then having to get up in the middle of the night to deal with a sick child who couldn’t find the bathroom and thought the shiny hardwood in my living room was the perfect place to lose dinner. I woke up all kinds of hung over and pissed off and am not in a good mood even at this moment so many hours later. I said all that to say that I am in no kind of mood to tolerate anything short of greatness.

So, having got that out the way, let’s get down to the business of singing…

First up…

James Durbin
Closer to the Edge
This was NOT one of his better performances. What I don’t get is why the judges were slobbering all over this performance. At this moment I so wish for the straight shooting that we would get from Simon. Indulgent came to mind. A few other things came to mind. Maybe he is “in it to win it” but I didn’t get it from this performance. I know there are those of you who accuse me of being too hard on this hometown boy, but he’s been growing on me…until this performance. Blah’sville for me!

Without You
The emotional aspect of this performance was pure perfection. Yeah, maybe he didn’t “slay” it and was “pitchy in a James Durbin kinda way”, but whatever. Amazing! And then out came dumb-dumb to ask the stupid follow-up questions and just killed it. Can’t we get rid of dumb-dumb? You know, stick some body part in his mouth and shut him the hell up?!

Jacob Lusk
No Air
He needed to have taken this number down about three octaves and then, maybe it might have been all right, but yeah, it didn’t work.

Love Hurts
In theory No Air should have been Jacob’s big number of the night and this one, this one should have been straight up busted. Instead, redemption!!!

Lauren Alaina
Flat on the Floor
This child straight up FINALLY brought it! Honestly y’all, for the very first time I actually felt like this little chicka didn’t give a f**** and just brought it down flat on the floor!!! BAM!

Un-Chained Melody
We hear this song every damn season and I’m SO over it! We ALL know it! I’m sorry, but this one fell flat for me. Also failing was tonight’s stylist. I mean seriously, who let’s a 16 year old girl come out in a see-through dress. The number was just wrong on so many levels.

Baby Lockthemdoors
First, what does Ryan know about little Scotty that the rest of us aren’t priviledged to know? Huh? I mean again with the Scotty-the-Body comment. Hmmmm… But yeah, whatevers. This kid has gotten kinda use to the big ole stage and worked it like a five dollar hooker at the rodeo! Listen this was HOT!! Talk about a performance!! Danced with the devil indeed!!!

Always on my Mind
I have to say, this one didn’t jump off at me nearly as much as I was expecting it too. I literally got goose bumps when when I heard it was this number but the delivery was not up to my expectations. My bad? Perhaps. Then again, tonight this child showed that he’s got some chops and you know, will be HUGE!!!

Haley Reinhart
You and I
J-Lo just dissed the hell outta Jimmy Iovine. Good for her! This was a pretty good track. Didn’t sound much like a Lady GaGa track and didn’t sound much like a Haley track. Still, it wasn’t in the bottom of the pack so there’s that!

The House of the Rising Sun
Oh SH*T!!!!! Got me cussin straight up!!!! With out a doubt the absolute best performance of the night! Wicked! Wicked! Wicked! There ain’t no misery when this child brings it and it was brought tonight! Beotcha done got my vote!!!! I’d also like one of the Valium she took right before the show!

Miss Lusk is going home tonight! Sorry, but she reached the end of the road. I really don’t know who I would put in the bottom with Miss Lusk. Maybe little Lauren based off that second number. Really, that’s about it.

Well y’all, that’s a wrap! The cards have been dealt but the end result is up to you, the wild card in this crazy little game. Go vote crazies!