Happy 420

April 20, 2011

Today kids is the day that we celebrate the elixer of the gods, that greenery that grows from the earth and provides both medicinal and recreational relief! In times past, we might have celebrated this most wonderful of days by lighting up and tuning out. Not today kids, not today! We do however want to raise our vaporizer and salute those of you who are already too bombed to know what the hell I’m talking about. You know who you are and we salute you!

We would like to say straight out that there have been seasons past where we have known without a doubt that the only way to get through the night of caterwalling that we were treated to was by packing a bowl into the bubbler and blazing away. Y’all know it’s true! We could not lie about this! This season though has turned out a bit better than some, despite the fact that we are still subjected to Mr. Metrosexual-of-Metrosexuals, that Mic Jockey, that “I wish I was Dick Clark so bad that I have prostituted myself all over Hollywood”, you know the “Seacrest out” guy. The performers though have been pretty damn good and for that we are extremely grateful.

But we aren’t here to talk about weed and greed! We certainly aren’t going to talk about the [timely] loss of Mr. Paul McDonald (we called it ya’ll!). We’re here to talk about the seven still vying for your vote. Now, tonight these kids are going to be singing songs they might actually know…you know, songs made popular this decade (Ryan calls it “songs of the 21st Century”). YAY! First though we are treated to some GD perfermance by the has-beens of this season. We don’t know the song and frankly, we wished we had never heard it…jeebus, joseephus and maribel…”nah nah nah, I wanna up-chuck my dinner now!”

Baby Lockthemdoors
We already know that Alfred E Newman has won the competition. It does not matter what he sings. He vibrates that voice all over us and we just turn over and act stupid. Thank the gods for J-Lo for keeping it real…WAIT, WTF did I just say? WTF did she just say? I’m a little bit lost…was this the first time one of the judges this season actually gave something akin to constructive criticism? Ummm, I’m gonna pretend like I didn’t hear that and go back to the vibrating and stupid part! YAY!

James Durbin
I’m OVER this guy…he and his “amazing” vision have left me a little nauseous. Sorry y’all. Fun crotch shot of Baby Lockthemdoors though! HA! I shouldn’t say I’m “OVER” this guy. Maybe, I just think he’s a little too ahead of himself. I mean really kiddo, you ain’t a rock star…YET!!! That’s not to say you won’t be. That’s not to say I won’t go pay to see you put on a show that we might all agree is almost amazing. But right at this moment…I just ain’t quite there. All of that being said, I did not hate this performance. In fact, I rather liked it better than his performance last week. Best of the night? Little too early to call that don’t ya think y’all?

Haley Reinhart
Rolling In The Deep
Oh lord y’all, this song absolutely describes my last relationship of many, many years and is absolutely in my top 3 tracks on rotation right now…when Adele sings it. The first thing I thought was, can this little chicka pull off the genius that is Adele and pull at my heart strings like Rolling does for me? DAMN STR8!!!! This little girl just rocked my world!! The “scars of your love…”

Jacob Lusk
Dance With My Father
Happy Birthday Mr. Luther Vandross!!! Who knew that his birthday was a holiday! Rough start for this child tonight but in a subdued and emotional way he brought it back and provided a beautiful, beautiful performance. Steven said that Miss Lusk reminds him why he loved music. Was it that good? I disagree with Randy who wanted the “church kid” back…I liked this kid tonight!!

Casey Abrahms
Harder to Breath
I just love Maroon5! I just love Casey! I just love Casey doing Maroon5! Frankly, I like this performance better than James! Casey connects with the crowd in a way that just sucks the air out the room and makes it hard to breath. I. Am. Breathless. Major bonus points for getting right in J-Lo’s face and singing the last few bars to her and then, yes, stealing that kiss! Dang boy!! Ate. The. Stage. Casey’s got ’em cussin tonight and bleep, bleep, bleep…HELL YEAH!!!! My favorite performance of the night!

Stefano Langone
Let’s clear something up right now, flirting with everything and anything that even has the remotest bit of estrogen does NOT make you straight! Stefano is about as straight as Ryan Seacrest is. Or any other of the Hollywood “ladies” men and their beards. I did not particularly like this performance. Loved when he performed Smokie Norful, but NeYo ain’t his thing and despite what the judges said, it just wasn’t a stellar performance and certainly not on par with James or Casey or hell, even Haley. He and Ryan make a cute couple don’t ya think, what with their tryna pretend like they ain’t really a thing. Awww…

Lauren Alaina
Born to Fly
Ok, let me digress just a quick minute, who the hell was playing the fiddle right at the very get-go of this twangy performance? Huh? I really wannt know cuz that hair, that face was kinda brutal and left me a little bit shaky in the knees…just a little. In fact, I’m so side-tracked that I’ve lost track of the song this little girl is attempting to massacre. This child apparently doesn’t challenge herself nearly enough…guess she’s not ready for the show? Huh? Is that what we’re saying? Cuz if it is, I ain’t gonna disagree!

Hate to say this, but Baby Lockthemdoors is in my bottom three as is Lauren and, sorry, but yeah, Stefano. Who you callin out? Ahhhright, smoke ’em if ya got ’em! Go hard or go home!