Listen, I’m just gonna wade right in. A whole bunch of y’all gagged a little after last week’s result show sent Pia Toscano home. I mean, never mind that perhaps the most technically proficient of this year’s contestants was also its most soul-less. Never mind of course that a whole bunch of y’all decided not to vote for her. I mean, none of that remotely matters, right?! Obviously the idiots at Idol screwed up like they do every year! And you know what I have to say about that? GAG!
Listen, Pia Toscano is gonna be just fine. She’s apparently made a love connection with that gay from over at Dancing With The Stars, Mark Ballas. Someone has reported that she’s already signed a recording contract with a big name studio, so, I mean listen, she gonna be just fine! Screw Idol! Right?! I mean, Jennifer Hudson did just that. Then again, she has a butt-load of soul.
Enough, yesterday is over. Today’s a new day! Let’s hear what movies are tickling these kids fancies.
Old Time Rock’n Roll
This child straight up looks like Elton John and Liberace had a love child. He dances like he’s spastic. And his voice is unique as hell. Still, it ain’t my cup of unique. Here’s the deal with this performance, it was perhaps his least unique performance and his least inspiring. He’s also been placed in the first slot. This does not bode well for this child. And I’m absolutely fine with that. Despite the judges blathering on about how wonderful this performance was, it was not winning! I gagged just a little!
This track made me gag the first time I heard it and every time I hear it I gag just a little bit more. And what-the-heck ever Jimmy, this child is NOT better than Miley and I ain’t even a Miley Cyrus fan. On the plus, this child looked quite fetching tonight. However, this ain’t an “I’m fetching” competetion is it? Gag!
End of the Road
Last week I thought this boy was winning but most of y’all disagreed and put him in the bottom two. Well, I really don’t know what y’all thought or didn’t since y’all also put Pia in the bottom. But whatever! Listen, here’s my deal with this guy…he’s cute as a button and has an amazing gift of a voice! And dang y’all, he ate the stage with this performance! And, damn it ya’ll, it was HAWTNESS to hear the most beautiful woman in the world get bleeped the hell out!!! Winning!! What was not winning was Mr. Mic Jockey himself trying to serve up to the “girls” what he’s been trying to take home for himself since he first laid his Hollywood-jaded eyes on the pure innocence and wonder that is Stefano. Shut it already Ryan!
Cross My Heart
Listen, we don’t comment on this child’s song selection. We truthfully don’t care. Hell, we don’t even like countryfried music. But we do just love the way this child vibrates and oozes wholesome goodness all over us and seriously were we to take a potential date/love interest to see this child in concert, we’d be thinking naughty, naughty thoughts the whole time this child vibrated that goodness all over us. I mean, he’s just got that effect on us. Yes he does. So, what did he sing? Don’t know! Don’t care! Winning!
Jimmy said, “he chose not to [take the help]…he better be right!” Listen, I know that Jimmy’s suppose to be some kind of expert and big-sh*t in the industry. Ok! YAY Jimmy! But Jimmy was damn wrong on this one! And I just LOVE Steven Tyler for sayin it straight out, “Jimmy was wrong!” Ummmm, listen, this was stripped down amazing for me tonight! Maybe I’m old, but that jazz specialness wrecked it! Wrecked. It. Winning!!!
Well, Debbie Harry is big with the gays! Will that translate into votes from the gays for sexy little Haley? Listen, I didn’t like the first part of the number and she got just a little shouty for me towards the end, but, I didn’t gag, not too much anyway! Was it winning? That I’m just not too sure about. Will she go home? Well, the odds aren’t in her favor given that we’ve been sending a chicka home every week. OMG, Steven’s such a perv…”here’s to lookin up your old address!” LMAO…love him! Anyway, I tend not to think she’ll go home with this one. But winning, not so much! In fact, it was kind of a sprepper (if you don’t know, go ask Carmen Carrera).
Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Say, WHAAAT??? Why was this not his first choice? What was he dithering around with those other two bits for huh? HUH? Thank you JIMMY for telling him to quit preaching! Seriously, that’s tired even if you have a record deal! So, instead of doing the whole corn thing, this child took Jimmy’s advice! This song was written for this child! Can you imagine this child and Jennifer Hudson joining forces on this one! Or Fantasia? Seriously! And thank the good gods in heaven for Steven Tyler’s mouth! HA! Like the most beautiful woman in the world, I did NOT want to get goose pimples from this child and his performance. But damn, he just pulls it out of me! Lay me the bleep, bleep, bleep down!! Winning!!!
I know I’m suppose to like this child! I mean, here’s the deal, we share a home town in surfer town Santa Cruz and we’re all suppose to root for the hometown boy. Y’all know that (I feel a bit like a traitor…) And he’s got a great backstory of overcoming some kind of something that should have sidelined him and still, he, you know, goes out and rocks the house or some damn thing like that! Right?! But still, I’m just not there! I mean, yes, I went through my whole heavy metal face and shouted at the devil and all that sh*t, but, whatever! I gagged ok! But, that’s just me! Most of y’all will think this is winning! Go figure!
Well y’all, that’s it! I’m thinkin smart money is on us FINALLY losing that sprepper (gawd I love Carmen Carrera) Paul McDonald…you know, unique combined with curse of the first. Then again, who knows! It might just be Haley who ran plumb out of gas on this number. Awright y’all, it’s time for me to take another heavy helping of the old Nyquil and pass the hell out!