Moving the Earth

April 27, 2011

Carole King wrote all sorts of great thoughts, including and especially about the earth moving under our feet. The big dog kinda went in a different direction saying something turning the other cheek. I don’t think he was talking bout Jesus though. Anyway, making the earth move or turning cheeks both bring thoughts about action and that is what tonight is supposedly all about.

Now straight-away it was obvious the Mr. Metrosexual was off his game. Some might attribute that to his little boy toy having been sent home last week, but whatever the reason, Mr. Man needed and asked for energy from an already energetic audience. Down-in-the-dumps Mic-Jockey tried revving things up by introducing that god-dess of music, Ms. Carole King but it wasn’t until pretty boy Babyface was trotted out as this week’s “mentor” that Ry-Ry turned all sunshine and love.

So listen, Carole King is a god! If you haven’t heard something fierce by her, then you’ve been off in some tuneless wasteland. Why the producers thought to bring on Babyface to bolster her street-cred is beyond me, but there he was. Frankly y’all, I got a little scared right from the get-go that all but one or two of these remaining six (winnowed all the way down from 125K per Mouth) would really be up to the challenge. First up…

Jacob Lusk
Oh No, Not My Baby
Wearing my yellow bed sheets and blue plaid bed spread, Miss Lusk propped herself up on a white baby grand pie-an-no and started caterwalling. Oh no indeed…

Lauren Alaina
Where You Lead
I asked last week whether this child was ready for the competition. I’m still asking that question. Certainly this child looked pretty as a Georgia peach and wasn’t it special to see teeny-bop and Disney starlet, Miley Cyrus but I think the back-up sangers kinda were better. I mean, really, wasn’t it all just a little boring and safe? And, WTF was up with the little boy she was pretend-like serenading? Am I getting too wrapped up in this? Perhaps. I’m done!

Haley & Casey
I Feel The Earth Move
So, I guess I forgot to mention straight up and from the get-go that tonight, not only were the contestants doing their thing, but they were also going to be paired up for some duets that would be judged but not voted on. Ummmm, ok. So, anyway, this turns out to be a good combination that we’ve heard before. I like these two and they certainly put on a great off-the-Vegas-strip lounge act with this one. It will not hurt either one of them.

Baby Lockthemdoors aka Scotty-the-Body
You Got A Friend
First thing to ask with Mr. HomoMetro-Sexual’s nick-name was, does somebody have a new contestant crush? Certainly something to think about. But, I’ve gotten myself distracted although given the way Baby Doors holds the mic, I could be excused for being distracted. Anyway, Alfred E Newman is winning, so, there’s no need to say anything else! I’ll be your friend!!!

James Durbin
Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
James and Ryan caught themselves slobbering all over Baby Lockthemdoors and it was really kind of weird and slightly off-putting and frankly had me so confused that I missed the whole intro piece. I did hear the performance and it was sweet. Certainly I liked the child’s haircut so much better than week’s past. Yes, we’ll still be loving him tomorrow.

Lauren & Scotty
Up On The Roof
Why is Ryan always trying to make everything awkwardly sexual? Perhaps it’s because these two are singing about sneaking up on the roof and that only brings up childhood memories of me and roofs and well, it definitely got a little heated up there. Damn you Ryan, I’ve completely lost all concentration. I guess these two little country crooners sang all right, but I just can’t really tell you for sure.

Casey Abrahms
Seriously y’all, the boy just slays it for me! So did that girl blowin that horn!! HAWTNESS! Also pure HAWTNESS was the blonde sax player! Ding-dang-dong y’all! This child ate the freakin stage! NoLA shout out!!

Hailey Reinhart
Well, she looks beautiful! And she sings beautiful! I’m just not sure she sang this song beautifully! I was not particularly crazy about the start of this number or the middle but the wrap up was HAWT!!

Jacob & James
I’m Into Something Good
Well, this is one of the oddest pairings I think I’ve ever seen outside of…wait, oh never-mind…it’s the oddest pairing ever. Cuteness singing to the most beautiful woman in the world. But I wouldn’t say this song was in to anything remotely good. It was just all sorts of wrong. Thankfully Steven kept it real by wondering where the hell they were going with all “that.” I certainly kind of wanted to zone the hell out. LOL.

Ok, my bottom three includes Miss Lusk and Alurin Lauren as for who the third spot goes to, I have no freaking idea. I hate to say it, but could be Hailey but not because she sucked just because James, Casey and Mr. Doors are just that strong. And with that, I’m off to vote grab some ice cream and walk the dog thereby doin my own little bit of earth-moving.

Happy 420

April 20, 2011

Today kids is the day that we celebrate the elixer of the gods, that greenery that grows from the earth and provides both medicinal and recreational relief! In times past, we might have celebrated this most wonderful of days by lighting up and tuning out. Not today kids, not today! We do however want to raise our vaporizer and salute those of you who are already too bombed to know what the hell I’m talking about. You know who you are and we salute you!

We would like to say straight out that there have been seasons past where we have known without a doubt that the only way to get through the night of caterwalling that we were treated to was by packing a bowl into the bubbler and blazing away. Y’all know it’s true! We could not lie about this! This season though has turned out a bit better than some, despite the fact that we are still subjected to Mr. Metrosexual-of-Metrosexuals, that Mic Jockey, that “I wish I was Dick Clark so bad that I have prostituted myself all over Hollywood”, you know the “Seacrest out” guy. The performers though have been pretty damn good and for that we are extremely grateful.

But we aren’t here to talk about weed and greed! We certainly aren’t going to talk about the [timely] loss of Mr. Paul McDonald (we called it ya’ll!). We’re here to talk about the seven still vying for your vote. Now, tonight these kids are going to be singing songs they might actually know…you know, songs made popular this decade (Ryan calls it “songs of the 21st Century”). YAY! First though we are treated to some GD perfermance by the has-beens of this season. We don’t know the song and frankly, we wished we had never heard it…jeebus, joseephus and maribel…”nah nah nah, I wanna up-chuck my dinner now!”

Baby Lockthemdoors
We already know that Alfred E Newman has won the competition. It does not matter what he sings. He vibrates that voice all over us and we just turn over and act stupid. Thank the gods for J-Lo for keeping it real…WAIT, WTF did I just say? WTF did she just say? I’m a little bit lost…was this the first time one of the judges this season actually gave something akin to constructive criticism? Ummm, I’m gonna pretend like I didn’t hear that and go back to the vibrating and stupid part! YAY!

James Durbin
I’m OVER this guy…he and his “amazing” vision have left me a little nauseous. Sorry y’all. Fun crotch shot of Baby Lockthemdoors though! HA! I shouldn’t say I’m “OVER” this guy. Maybe, I just think he’s a little too ahead of himself. I mean really kiddo, you ain’t a rock star…YET!!! That’s not to say you won’t be. That’s not to say I won’t go pay to see you put on a show that we might all agree is almost amazing. But right at this moment…I just ain’t quite there. All of that being said, I did not hate this performance. In fact, I rather liked it better than his performance last week. Best of the night? Little too early to call that don’t ya think y’all?

Haley Reinhart
Rolling In The Deep
Oh lord y’all, this song absolutely describes my last relationship of many, many years and is absolutely in my top 3 tracks on rotation right now…when Adele sings it. The first thing I thought was, can this little chicka pull off the genius that is Adele and pull at my heart strings like Rolling does for me? DAMN STR8!!!! This little girl just rocked my world!! The “scars of your love…”

Jacob Lusk
Dance With My Father
Happy Birthday Mr. Luther Vandross!!! Who knew that his birthday was a holiday! Rough start for this child tonight but in a subdued and emotional way he brought it back and provided a beautiful, beautiful performance. Steven said that Miss Lusk reminds him why he loved music. Was it that good? I disagree with Randy who wanted the “church kid” back…I liked this kid tonight!!

Casey Abrahms
Harder to Breath
I just love Maroon5! I just love Casey! I just love Casey doing Maroon5! Frankly, I like this performance better than James! Casey connects with the crowd in a way that just sucks the air out the room and makes it hard to breath. I. Am. Breathless. Major bonus points for getting right in J-Lo’s face and singing the last few bars to her and then, yes, stealing that kiss! Dang boy!! Ate. The. Stage. Casey’s got ’em cussin tonight and bleep, bleep, bleep…HELL YEAH!!!! My favorite performance of the night!

Stefano Langone
Let’s clear something up right now, flirting with everything and anything that even has the remotest bit of estrogen does NOT make you straight! Stefano is about as straight as Ryan Seacrest is. Or any other of the Hollywood “ladies” men and their beards. I did not particularly like this performance. Loved when he performed Smokie Norful, but NeYo ain’t his thing and despite what the judges said, it just wasn’t a stellar performance and certainly not on par with James or Casey or hell, even Haley. He and Ryan make a cute couple don’t ya think, what with their tryna pretend like they ain’t really a thing. Awww…

Lauren Alaina
Born to Fly
Ok, let me digress just a quick minute, who the hell was playing the fiddle right at the very get-go of this twangy performance? Huh? I really wannt know cuz that hair, that face was kinda brutal and left me a little bit shaky in the knees…just a little. In fact, I’m so side-tracked that I’ve lost track of the song this little girl is attempting to massacre. This child apparently doesn’t challenge herself nearly enough…guess she’s not ready for the show? Huh? Is that what we’re saying? Cuz if it is, I ain’t gonna disagree!

Hate to say this, but Baby Lockthemdoors is in my bottom three as is Lauren and, sorry, but yeah, Stefano. Who you callin out? Ahhhright, smoke ’em if ya got ’em! Go hard or go home!


April 13, 2011

Listen, I’m just gonna wade right in. A whole bunch of y’all gagged a little after last week’s result show sent Pia Toscano home. I mean, never mind that perhaps the most technically proficient of this year’s contestants was also its most soul-less. Never mind of course that a whole bunch of y’all decided not to vote for her. I mean, none of that remotely matters, right?! Obviously the idiots at Idol screwed up like they do every year! And you know what I have to say about that? GAG!

Listen, Pia Toscano is gonna be just fine. She’s apparently made a love connection with that gay from over at Dancing With The Stars, Mark Ballas. Someone has reported that she’s already signed a recording contract with a big name studio, so, I mean listen, she gonna be just fine! Screw Idol! Right?! I mean, Jennifer Hudson did just that. Then again, she has a butt-load of soul.

Enough, yesterday is over. Today’s a new day! Let’s hear what movies are tickling these kids fancies.

Paul McDonald
Old Time Rock’n Roll
This child straight up looks like Elton John and Liberace had a love child. He dances like he’s spastic. And his voice is unique as hell. Still, it ain’t my cup of unique. Here’s the deal with this performance, it was perhaps his least unique performance and his least inspiring. He’s also been placed in the first slot. This does not bode well for this child. And I’m absolutely fine with that. Despite the judges blathering on about how wonderful this performance was, it was not winning! I gagged just a little!

Lauren Alaina
The Climb
This track made me gag the first time I heard it and every time I hear it I gag just a little bit more. And what-the-heck ever Jimmy, this child is NOT better than Miley and I ain’t even a Miley Cyrus fan. On the plus, this child looked quite fetching tonight. However, this ain’t an “I’m fetching” competetion is it? Gag!

Stefano Langone
End of the Road
Last week I thought this boy was winning but most of y’all disagreed and put him in the bottom two. Well, I really don’t know what y’all thought or didn’t since y’all also put Pia in the bottom. But whatever! Listen, here’s my deal with this guy…he’s cute as a button and has an amazing gift of a voice! And dang y’all, he ate the stage with this performance! And, damn it ya’ll, it was HAWTNESS to hear the most beautiful woman in the world get bleeped the hell out!!! Winning!! What was not winning was Mr. Mic Jockey himself trying to serve up to the “girls” what he’s been trying to take home for himself since he first laid his Hollywood-jaded eyes on the pure innocence and wonder that is Stefano. Shut it already Ryan!

Baby Lockthemdoors
Cross My Heart
Listen, we don’t comment on this child’s song selection. We truthfully don’t care. Hell, we don’t even like countryfried music. But we do just love the way this child vibrates and oozes wholesome goodness all over us and seriously were we to take a potential date/love interest to see this child in concert, we’d be thinking naughty, naughty thoughts the whole time this child vibrated that goodness all over us. I mean, he’s just got that effect on us. Yes he does. So, what did he sing? Don’t know! Don’t care! Winning!

Casey Abrams
Nature Boy
Jimmy said, “he chose not to [take the help]…he better be right!” Listen, I know that Jimmy’s suppose to be some kind of expert and big-sh*t in the industry. Ok! YAY Jimmy! But Jimmy was damn wrong on this one! And I just LOVE Steven Tyler for sayin it straight out, “Jimmy was wrong!” Ummmm, listen, this was stripped down amazing for me tonight! Maybe I’m old, but that jazz specialness wrecked it! Wrecked. It. Winning!!!

Haley Reinhart
Call Me
Well, Debbie Harry is big with the gays! Will that translate into votes from the gays for sexy little Haley? Listen, I didn’t like the first part of the number and she got just a little shouty for me towards the end, but, I didn’t gag, not too much anyway! Was it winning? That I’m just not too sure about. Will she go home? Well, the odds aren’t in her favor given that we’ve been sending a chicka home every week. OMG, Steven’s such a perv…”here’s to lookin up your old address!” LMAO…love him! Anyway, I tend not to think she’ll go home with this one. But winning, not so much! In fact, it was kind of a sprepper (if you don’t know, go ask Carmen Carrera).

Jacob Lusk
Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Say, WHAAAT??? Why was this not his first choice? What was he dithering around with those other two bits for huh? HUH? Thank you JIMMY for telling him to quit preaching! Seriously, that’s tired even if you have a record deal! So, instead of doing the whole corn thing, this child took Jimmy’s advice! This song was written for this child! Can you imagine this child and Jennifer Hudson joining forces on this one! Or Fantasia? Seriously! And thank the good gods in heaven for Steven Tyler’s mouth! HA! Like the most beautiful woman in the world, I did NOT want to get goose pimples from this child and his performance. But damn, he just pulls it out of me! Lay me the bleep, bleep, bleep down!! Winning!!!

James Durbin
Heavy Metal
I know I’m suppose to like this child! I mean, here’s the deal, we share a home town in surfer town Santa Cruz and we’re all suppose to root for the hometown boy. Y’all know that (I feel a bit like a traitor…) And he’s got a great backstory of overcoming some kind of something that should have sidelined him and still, he, you know, goes out and rocks the house or some damn thing like that! Right?! But still, I’m just not there! I mean, yes, I went through my whole heavy metal face and shouted at the devil and all that sh*t, but, whatever! I gagged ok! But, that’s just me! Most of y’all will think this is winning! Go figure!

Well y’all, that’s it! I’m thinkin smart money is on us FINALLY losing that sprepper (gawd I love Carmen Carrera) Paul McDonald…you know, unique combined with curse of the first. Then again, who knows! It might just be Haley who ran plumb out of gas on this number. Awright y’all, it’s time for me to take another heavy helping of the old Nyquil and pass the hell out!

It’s Only Rock’n Roll…

April 6, 2011

Listen y’all, there’s a lot goin on at my little beach hut right about now and I don’t have much time to sit and tap out a whole long bit about this great little crop of sangers who are jockeying for position to be the next…wait for it, wait for it…American Idol (said in my best Ryan Seacrest impersonating Dick Clark on American Bandstand voice). I just don’t…shore nuff wish I did.

In the first place, I left my trusty little portable computing thing down in my car and if you know anything about my little beach hovel, you know that was a freakin hike. Plus, I got in from the gym awfully late and then had to cook dinner not only for myself but for my very glum and long-faced friend who was in some kind of mood thanks to our rather dismal economy here in this bee-you-tee-ful [looking] state. Let me just say that pan fried steaks basted in garlic and tyme butter is freakin awesome, except of course that my house still has the lingering odiferous after-effects.

But enough about my night…tonight was all about the Rock’n Roll Hall of Fame and usually (meaning in years past) that means poor, poor song selection on the part of the frauds attempting to prove to the fly-over state voters that they actually deserve all these accolades and stuff they might get when and if they finally get put up on that big old stage and are named the winner. Boy howdy, if that wasn’t a run-on-sentance then I don’t know what is. It surely must be the whirly-bird that is hovering low over my beach hut attempting to pull some poor soul who has managed to get caught up in a wave or some other form of something that he and/or she shouldn’t be caught up in.

Jacob Lusk
Man In The Mirror
Miss Lusk apparently found some morals and decided that singing about getting it on (the same ditty that was probably playing in the back ground when Miss Lusk was conceived) was a bit too far a field from his moral groundings. Now listen, I don’t have a lick of a problem with Miss Lusk getting a wee bit preachy…just seems a little odd coming from Miss Lusk…not that I’m one to judge of course. Any-hoo, Miss Lusk pulled on her big boi panties and decided that the White Lady, aka the King of Pop his-self was a more appropriate person to do up and do over. Then he said something odd about being in the bottom three and looking at yourself in the mirror and, well, frankly, I got a little lost at that point. Luckily, Miss Lusk opened that big ole mouth and belted out another winner and the wording kerflafle was quickly forgotten. This child is winning!

Haley Reinhart
Piece of My Heart
She has been compared, over and over ad nauseum, to goddess Janice Joplin and tonight she showed us why. Listen, this child came out and belted that little number out like she’d finally found who she was meant to be. On a little scratch bit of paper, while I was trying to swallow the last little bite of butter glazed steak, I wrote…”brought it!” This child is winning!

Casey Abrams
Have You Ever Seen The Rain
My advice for up and coming artists is, stay the hell away from CCR unless you are planning on doing bad karaoke in your neighborhood bar. Seriously, we bow before the brilliance that is CCR! This child Casey apparently has never listened to my advice and plucking his trusty (and sexy) stand up bass proceeded to totally eat the stage! If your name is Casey Abrams you are free to ignore my advice any time! This child is winning!

Lauren Alaina
Natural Woman
Oh dear! How is this child only 17 but looked like she was pushing up 40 tonight? Hummm…and I’m not even going to address that performance! This child was not winning tonight!

James Durbin
Why My Guitar Gently Weeps
I didn’t get it! Maybe I was distracted although that usually happens to me when-ever this child performs. I just can’t say this child was winning tonight! Sorry!

Baby Lockthemdoors
That’s All Right Momma
Well wasn’t this a departure for the boy from Mad Magazine who usually vibrates that voice sending us all into a fit of ecstacy? The whole girls rushing the stage was just weird. I mean, come on…we all know this show has more security than our illustrious President and we also know that nothing is ever NOT planned. I just didn’t get it. Contrived! And totally took away from a winning performance!

Pia Toscano
River Deep Mountain High
No effing ballad tonight? Say what???? Ok, let’s just admit right now that this child has an amazing voice and it doesn’t matter what she sings! She wrecked it!!! This child is winning!!

Stefano Langone
When A Man Loves A Woman
I didn’t get the first part of the arrangement but the child served up this performance with emotion that connected with that amazing vocal gift and left me wanting more! I’d rather hear this child perform this number instead of the original performer Mr. Bolton. I’m sure he was singing it to his momma! 😉 This child is winning!

Paul McDonald
Folsom Prison Blues
This child is quite the performer but I repeat, he is not my cup of unique. My momma always said if you can’t say something nice, well, you know the rest. This child is not winning…for me!

And that’s it! Listen y’all, I need to get my ass to bed! I wish I could predict who is going home, but frankly I can’t. So, instead, I’m do like my dog and knock out!