So, I’ve just pulled out a fresh batch of brownies…no, not the medicinal kind, I’ve taken the puppy out to do her dirty deeds and I’ve propped my feet up in front of the fire while the rains pounds my pretty little beach town. Listen y’all, when I say the rain is pounding “my pretty little beach town” I mean I’m not sure if my beach hut won’t just float away in this bit of watery craziness.
But listen, we aren’t talkin about me floatin out into the Pacific in some freaky act of mother nature. We’re here to chat about these kids who tonight will make a little history of their own as they perform the very history rich sounds of Motown. Of course the minute that crazed mic-jockey came on my screen I had a frightening feeling that we just might be in for a night every bit as full of crazy-making as the weather seems to be doing out my window. I mean for geezis, jose and mariana’s sake, moron had the screen black and white monochromatic and was jivin around like he was from some time past all the while screeching as only he can do about history and other bunches of BS. All I can think of is please deer jeebus, don’t let this metro-sexual of metro-sexuals be a harbinger of the night!! PLEASE!!!
First up and following a brief history lesson we have one of my favorites…
I Heard It Through The Grapevine
I’m sorry, but every damn year we are treated to a “remake” of this classic. The thing that gets me is that we have like hundreds of Motown songs to choose from but it seems like this is the only one the kids wanna do. Having said that, Casey did pretty dang good for me. A redemption of sorts from last weeks “off” night. In the looks department though I’m just praying that some stylist gets a hold of him…seriously cuz that hair was not workin and neither was that suit thing. Not feelin the look brother man!
And WTF is up with Ryan always tryin to hook these guys up with a “chick” in the audience. It’s like he’s so afraid of his gay self that he constantly looks to, I dunno…it’s just weird! Listen Ryan, you stupid douche-nozzle, quit always trying to insinuate the sexuality of EVERY DUDE on the show. We all know you’ve got Tim Urban stashed in your dressing room in the back and it’s alright. We just don’t care man! This is about music, not about hoping no one will know what a big MO we all know you to be! STFU!!! Now, back to Casey…not too worried about the curse of the firsts with this performance! WINNING!
This little girl’s just SO good!! I mean, that voice just freaks me!!! Makes me happy! Having said that, I think she got just a little lost in this song. She sounded spot on, but there were a couple of times the production of the thing overpowered her. I did love seeing her moving around and again, that voice…FREAK!! Seems she’s also turned 16 at some point which makes her performance all the more bangin! WINNING!
You’re All I Need To Get By
My question is, will Jacob kill it tonight because if any night was a gift to any performer on this show, tonight is that gift to one Miss Patty LaBelle! My answer came the minute the big girl opened her mouth. GAWD DANG!!!! THIS CHILD JUST EFFING WRECKED IT! PERIOD! New rule came down the pike from The Professor who said that if Steven Tyler gets up and hugs you following your performance then DRINK!! JUST POUNDED MY DRINK! Yeah J-Lo, you right…Miss Lusk made us BEG…I want MORE! WINNING!!!!
You Keep Me Hangin On
Poor little Miss Lauren had to follow Miss Lusk’s rather powerful performance and that always sucks. Unless you are little Miss Lauren with that attitude and a voice to back it up! Steven Tyler makes me happy!!! Got her swagger on said the Big Dog! Yeah, I can buy that! Winning!
I JUST LOVE THIS CHILD!! Seriously!! LOVE!!!! I can’t even begin to tell you what that voice and those eyes do to me! However, I did NOT like this performance. No I did NOT! But whatever, I’m not the only one that loves this child so…he gonna be just fine! I’m not gonna call this a FAIL but it sure wasn’t WINNING! MEH!
You Really Got A Hold of Me
Ok, this child doesn’t wanna be in the bottom again. Listen, I feel her on this cuz I don’t want her there either, but, she hadn’t been doing herself any favors lately. Where’s that bluesy girl we all fell in love with. Let me just say right now, if this child is in the bottom after tonight’s performance then y’all got sh*t for brains and grass in yo ears! This child brought the bluesy wrecking ball to this number and made me HAPPY!!! Looks like me and Steven are feelin a little pervy tonight!!! I’ll HOLD YA!! WINNING!
For Once In My Life
Again, do we care what this child sings? No! Tonight though I actually listened and DAMN! There wasn’t a lounginess to this performance at all to me. In fact, I felt a little of my kinolk, Elvis showing through just a little bit! Strongest? Nope! Winning? You BET!
All In Love Is Fair
This girl is beautiful to look at. She’s also very easy to listen to. I mean if you listen to the “easy listening” muzak station. This was a perfect performance. The problem is that I tire of perfection. I like a little soul. I like my artists to get down and dirty. J-Lo wins the “useful advice” award tonight!! Both for Stefano and for Pia. Ballad…Ballad…Ballad…Ballad…Boring! Again, not a FAIL! But does “not a FAIL” equate to winning? MEH!
Tracks of my Tears
Can the only person with whiter teeth than Ryan make this number his own? Can he overcome the Smokey aura? Can he have a moment? Well, I just don’t know. He’s unique for sure. He’s just not my cup of unique I guess. The bobsy twins who were doing his back up were cute for sure. I mean, it’s super hard for me to criticize this guy too much. The Professor said that “androgyny died with Ziggy Stardust. I get it, but meh.” I couldn’t agree more! Another performance that’s not a FAIL. MEH!
Dancing In The Streets
First thought, WTF is she wearing (the Professor’s comment was “who cares, she’s fabulous!”)? Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’m gonna say it, vocally this chick is much closer to spot perfect than I have ever heard her and that DANCING!!! Loved it!! Loved it!! Fabulous!! Steven with the E to the Z to the Twiddly Dee and then J-Lo with the goosies!!! This chick “ate the stage” tonight!! WINNING!
Living For The City
Well the poop rag moved over a bit and looks liked it got blinged out. YAY! Steven Tyler obviously LOVES this performance. J-Lo’s over there having a hissy fit loving it. Randy had an issue with the first part. I wasn’t feeling it so much BUT apparently that’s just me since everyone is sh*tting themselves over this performance!! The Professor swears he looks like he smells like mayonnaise!! HA!!! I’m giving this a MEH just because he ain’t my cup of anything.
I have no idea how we gonna pick tonight!! I mean seriously y’all!! This was history tonight! No, not Motown history! No, not even “top 10” history! This was history because it has to be the first time EVER in the history of the show that I have actually enjoyed every performance! It has to be the first time I have not had something super duper snarky about at least ONE performance! I mean, who gonna go home boo? Can you call it? I sure as hell can’t! History baby!!!
Before I sign off I’d like to send shout outs to the Professor who gave some great fodder for this piece (“ate the stage” is my new fav compliment), Miss Nikki whose wit just slays and who made me look with a slightly more jaundiced eye than I wanted to tonight and that larger than life friend, Miss Foxy Coxy who reminded me that Motown was all about fun!! Tomorrow night one of these kids has to go and I just can’t call it!
As I sign off, I would like to say goodbye to Dame Elizabeth Taylor! May you rest in peace!!