Gosh these kids are young!

Listen y’all, I took a detour on the way to my little beach hut to visit with an old friend who spent as much time in the [almost] cult I grew up in as I did. We drank (a no-no back in the day) and reminisced and had a jolly good old time. Wouldn’t you know it, by the time I got home, Baby Lockthemdoors was using that deep voice to verbally molest just about every dang one of us into a state of ecstacy. Listen y’all, I have no idea what that child sang, but dang it if it weren’t just something spectacular! Anyway…tonight we found out just how young these kids really are, either that or my granny panties were on full display. I mean, really, most of those kids weren’t even born when I graduated high school. How absolutely revolting!

Now, I’m not going to bore you with a whole recap of all these chillrens who I didn’t even witness sang. I mean, for peet’s sake, that’s like all those people who review books, movies and every other dang thing without actually ever having read, watched or any other dang thing. I mean, y’all must know how annoying that is!

Ok, so, let’s get down to it.

Baby Lockthemdoors
Can I trust you with my heart
Look, this child doesn’t have to do anything but open that porn-o-rific mouth of his and let that deep ass voice vibrate over you just a little bit to send you into a total trancelike state. You know that every pre-pubescent girl who likes her some Bieber and every Gleeky boy were wetting themselves something fierce and have sent this child into the top. We have no idea what he sang, it just doesn’t matter. He’ll probably win and we won’t know what he sang. And it won’t matter. You know it as well as I do! Vibrating!!!

Karen Rodriguez
Love Will Lead You Back
Back where? To boringville? Yawn!!!

Casey Abrams
Smells like Teen Spirit
Listen, I just love this child but tonight I was a little less than impressed! Having said that, I think he just might win the whole dang thing! And I am unanimous in that opinion!

Lauren Alaina
Yikes, I don’t even remember
Well, isn’t that a boatload of crap? I mean seriously, I remember that this child tried to sneeze her disease on that Mic-Jockey, but that’s it. That’s sad isn’t it! I feel bad! I’m sorry! Sort of! Maybe. Oh hell, I don’t care! You don’t either!

Jacob Lusk
Alone
I’m sorry to get all racial and stereotypical and sh*t but, really, when did you ever know Miss Patty LaBelle to sing a song by Ann and Nancy Wilson of the chick rock genre. Never! No, not one damn time! You absolutely have never heard this done before! And on paper, this sh*t should not have worked! No, it should not have! But guess what, it did! Frankly, I’ve been ready to write this child off! I mean, don’t ya just wanna shake him and say, “butch it up a little nancy!” But, then again, maybe not! Maybe this child knows something we don’t!

Ok, so, I promise the next time to actually watch the whole dang show! I promise, I really do! Now, for one more nightcap (how many is too many?) before I toddle off to bed!

Night Idols!

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