March 30, 2011

I’m sitting in the middle of a big ass bed in a little resort right down in the very tippy end of this beautiful state of California with water surrounding me on all sides. If I told you it was for my day job, you’d want to laugh right out loud…but it’s true kids…it really is true! But just for you, I’ve put the work on hold, I’ve powered up the laptop, turned on the big ass, high def flat tee vee screen that adorns this wall and I’m ready as heck to hold forth on this night!!

And lord kids, what a HUGE night this is! We’ve got a heckuva a lot going on don’t we. I mean last week Casey damn near threw up on the stage when our esteemed judges threw out the life line of salvation said, “shut up Master Casey, you are SAVED!!” I mean, this child’s face went white as my buttocks, he staggard around that stage and looked like he was ready to loose his lunch right over old Mr. Teeth himself! But now, we are facing a double elimination. That’s HUGE kids!! For sure it is! Course, I’m glad we getting it out the way this early in the season! No longer will we have to hear that idiotic mic-jockey, master way-too-damn-bright teeth himself, say something stupid about singing “for your life” like he was damn RuPaul or something.

Oh grief, in my excitement regarding the hugeness of this night tonight, I damn near forgot that we are singing the works of Sir Elton John! Listen, this homosexual of all homosexuals is just about the craziest of the cat’s meow you’ve ever come across. But, frankly, I can’t remember if I’ve ever heard him featured on this blasted show…ever. Now, I could be wrong, wrong, wrong and it certainly wouldn’t be the first time. But, whether I’m right or wrong, it’s HUGE all the same!

Now, let’s get to the celebrating of Sir Elton…

Baby Lockthemdoors
Country Comfort
Listen y’all, I had forgotten that this kid is only 17 dang years old. Really?? Gosh I’m old! Hell, his grandma was out in the audience tonight and she can’t be much older than me. Good grief! Ummmm, so, did he sing? Of course he did because we felt that vibrating all over us. Truthfully though, it’s not like any of us will remember what he sang or anything other than, gee-whiz, that voice just slays! What a gifted child! Comfortable indeed!

Naimo Adepapo
I’m Still Standing
This child took one of my favorite songs, flipped it and did NOT f*ck it up…too bad! Listen, I’m from the beach and we like our Reggae, a LOT and this little girl personifies all of that for me!! But we all know that Sir Elton John is not very Reggae and well, Randy said it best, “it kinda came off kinda corny!” This child ain’t goin home cuz she is fabulous, but maybe tonight wasn’t as special as it should have been. Sorry baby!

Paul McDonald
Rocket Man
You know, I’m am just NOT shocked that he’s going to sing Rocket Man. In fact, even before this child wrote it on that blackboard, I just KNEW what he was going to sing. If there is any song that fits this most unique of singers, it is this one. Listen, I’ve said that this child is not my cup of unique, but tonight, tonight, I just loved!! But not that hideous jacket…sorry!

Pia Toscano
Don’t Let The Sun Go Down
Ballad…Ballad…Ballad…NOT BORING! Ummm, say what? Did I just say that? YES I DID!!! J-Lo said it took us to an “other-worldly” place! YUP! Oh god, I must be getting old cuz I did not like this chick, I LOVED this chick! Next week she’ll be singing River Deep, Mountain High? Yes, I said next week cuz she’ll be back!

Stefano Langone
Tiny Dancer
My first thought was “oh sh*t, really?!” I mean, I love, love, love, love this child. More than you’ll know. But, you know, we’re talkin Tiny Dancer and that’s a HUGE song. Fear NOT though, my baby boi just wrecked it!! He connected with me! Kids, I just might break my hard and fast rule and vote. Yes, I just might!

Lauren Alaina
Candle in the Wind
I’d like to be the first to say that this child looked just lovely tonight! She sure did! And she sure got a pretty voice! She sure does! I can’t say she wrecked it, because I can’t, but I can say it was just adorable! It sure was!

James Durbin
Saturday Night’s Alright
I won’t call this a FAIL because it wasn’t. In fact, it was very good…INDEED! Except for the piano catching fire and sh*t! Wait, I’m sorry, are we watching Idol? WTF? I mean, yes, he can hit the notes that are crazy! Props! “Pepsi Moment!” Ok, now that was funny!

Thia Megia
God this girl has voice that far exceeds her 15 or 16 years. I could listen to her sing ALL DAY LONG!!! J-Lo said it was a “beautiful moment” for little Thia!! Randy, said something about pitch and apparently he and I were listening to different performances! Loved!!!

Casey Abrams
Your Song
The big question in my mind is, will the big boy prove the judges decision right? I mean, we’re missing a butt-load of hair…is that all he changed? Listen, these kids are singing Sir Elton’s songs tonight and, you gotta bring it!! And he did!!! Let me just be clear, Casey doesn’t need to prove the judges right or wrong. He’s just that amazing! And, he did supreme justice to Sir Elton. This was a slight departure for this child, softer, silkier and just dang perfect!! It was his song tonight!

Jacob Lusk
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word
HUGE is Miss Mary J. Blige just happening to be in the background at the studio when you there to rehearse. YUP, that’s HUGE. HUGE is having to recreate a moment after you ate the stage last week. Did he do it? Listen, I can’t say it was AS huge as last week, but, ummm, wow…this child can sing and I’m loving, loving, loving that he is beginning to scale back on that overly-dramatic-FirstAMEChurch-Sunday-morning-solo in whereverville. I mean, I love it but it has its place. Jacob has a HUGE voice and that’s all there is to say!

Haley Reinhart
Bennie and the Jets
I love it when this child rocks it! That voice is a little Janice Joplin and little Amy Grant and when it’s on point, it just wrecks and tonight, she was ON POINT! Randy called it “best performance of the name” and wasn’t he just right! Steven Tyler called it sexy and sure, it would be easy to say that dress, laying all over the piano, all that was designed to evoke thoughts of sexiness but it wasn’t that, it was the voice!! I just might be in agreement with Randy tonight. It was just that good!

Listen, all these kids were good, but we gonna have to send two of them home tomorrow and I’m just not sure I’m ready, willing and able to call it. Are you?

Making History

March 23, 2011

So, I’ve just pulled out a fresh batch of brownies…no, not the medicinal kind, I’ve taken the puppy out to do her dirty deeds and I’ve propped my feet up in front of the fire while the rains pounds my pretty little beach town. Listen y’all, when I say the rain is pounding “my pretty little beach town” I mean I’m not sure if my beach hut won’t just float away in this bit of watery craziness.

But listen, we aren’t talkin about me floatin out into the Pacific in some freaky act of mother nature. We’re here to chat about these kids who tonight will make a little history of their own as they perform the very history rich sounds of Motown. Of course the minute that crazed mic-jockey came on my screen I had a frightening feeling that we just might be in for a night every bit as full of crazy-making as the weather seems to be doing out my window. I mean for geezis, jose and mariana’s sake, moron had the screen black and white monochromatic and was jivin around like he was from some time past all the while screeching as only he can do about history and other bunches of BS. All I can think of is please deer jeebus, don’t let this metro-sexual of metro-sexuals be a harbinger of the night!! PLEASE!!!

First up and following a brief history lesson we have one of my favorites…

Casey Abrams
I Heard It Through The Grapevine
I’m sorry, but every damn year we are treated to a “remake” of this classic. The thing that gets me is that we have like hundreds of Motown songs to choose from but it seems like this is the only one the kids wanna do. Having said that, Casey did pretty dang good for me. A redemption of sorts from last weeks “off” night. In the looks department though I’m just praying that some stylist gets a hold of him…seriously cuz that hair was not workin and neither was that suit thing. Not feelin the look brother man!

And WTF is up with Ryan always tryin to hook these guys up with a “chick” in the audience. It’s like he’s so afraid of his gay self that he constantly looks to, I dunno…it’s just weird! Listen Ryan, you stupid douche-nozzle, quit always trying to insinuate the sexuality of EVERY DUDE on the show. We all know you’ve got Tim Urban stashed in your dressing room in the back and it’s alright. We just don’t care man! This is about music, not about hoping no one will know what a big MO we all know you to be! STFU!!! Now, back to Casey…not too worried about the curse of the firsts with this performance! WINNING!

Thia Megia
Heat Wave
This little girl’s just SO good!! I mean, that voice just freaks me!!! Makes me happy! Having said that, I think she got just a little lost in this song. She sounded spot on, but there were a couple of times the production of the thing overpowered her. I did love seeing her moving around and again, that voice…FREAK!! Seems she’s also turned 16 at some point which makes her performance all the more bangin! WINNING!

Jacob Lusk
You’re All I Need To Get By
My question is, will Jacob kill it tonight because if any night was a gift to any performer on this show, tonight is that gift to one Miss Patty LaBelle! My answer came the minute the big girl opened her mouth. GAWD DANG!!!! THIS CHILD JUST EFFING WRECKED IT! PERIOD! New rule came down the pike from The Professor who said that if Steven Tyler gets up and hugs you following your performance then DRINK!! JUST POUNDED MY DRINK! Yeah J-Lo, you right…Miss Lusk made us BEG…I want MORE! WINNING!!!!

Lauren Alaina
You Keep Me Hangin On
Poor little Miss Lauren had to follow Miss Lusk’s rather powerful performance and that always sucks. Unless you are little Miss Lauren with that attitude and a voice to back it up! Steven Tyler makes me happy!!! Got her swagger on said the Big Dog! Yeah, I can buy that! Winning!

Stefano Langone
I JUST LOVE THIS CHILD!! Seriously!! LOVE!!!! I can’t even begin to tell you what that voice and those eyes do to me! However, I did NOT like this performance. No I did NOT! But whatever, I’m not the only one that loves this child so…he gonna be just fine! I’m not gonna call this a FAIL but it sure wasn’t WINNING! MEH!

Haley Reinhart
You Really Got A Hold of Me
Ok, this child doesn’t wanna be in the bottom again. Listen, I feel her on this cuz I don’t want her there either, but, she hadn’t been doing herself any favors lately. Where’s that bluesy girl we all fell in love with. Let me just say right now, if this child is in the bottom after tonight’s performance then y’all got sh*t for brains and grass in yo ears! This child brought the bluesy wrecking ball to this number and made me HAPPY!!! Looks like me and Steven are feelin a little pervy tonight!!! I’ll HOLD YA!! WINNING!

Baby Lockthemdoors
For Once In My Life
Again, do we care what this child sings? No! Tonight though I actually listened and DAMN! There wasn’t a lounginess to this performance at all to me. In fact, I felt a little of my kinolk, Elvis showing through just a little bit! Strongest? Nope! Winning? You BET!

Pia Toscano
All In Love Is Fair
This girl is beautiful to look at. She’s also very easy to listen to. I mean if you listen to the “easy listening” muzak station. This was a perfect performance. The problem is that I tire of perfection. I like a little soul. I like my artists to get down and dirty. J-Lo wins the “useful advice” award tonight!! Both for Stefano and for Pia. Ballad…Ballad…Ballad…Ballad…Boring! Again, not a FAIL! But does “not a FAIL” equate to winning? MEH!

Paul McDonald
Tracks of my Tears
Can the only person with whiter teeth than Ryan make this number his own? Can he overcome the Smokey aura? Can he have a moment? Well, I just don’t know. He’s unique for sure. He’s just not my cup of unique I guess. The bobsy twins who were doing his back up were cute for sure. I mean, it’s super hard for me to criticize this guy too much. The Professor said that “androgyny died with Ziggy Stardust. I get it, but meh.” I couldn’t agree more! Another performance that’s not a FAIL. MEH!

Naema Adedapo
Dancing In The Streets
First thought, WTF is she wearing (the Professor’s comment was “who cares, she’s fabulous!”)? Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’m gonna say it, vocally this chick is much closer to spot perfect than I have ever heard her and that DANCING!!! Loved it!! Loved it!! Fabulous!! Steven with the E to the Z to the Twiddly Dee and then J-Lo with the goosies!!! This chick “ate the stage” tonight!! WINNING!

James Durbin
Living For The City
Well the poop rag moved over a bit and looks liked it got blinged out. YAY! Steven Tyler obviously LOVES this performance. J-Lo’s over there having a hissy fit loving it. Randy had an issue with the first part. I wasn’t feeling it so much BUT apparently that’s just me since everyone is sh*tting themselves over this performance!! The Professor swears he looks like he smells like mayonnaise!! HA!!! I’m giving this a MEH just because he ain’t my cup of anything.

I have no idea how we gonna pick tonight!! I mean seriously y’all!! This was history tonight! No, not Motown history! No, not even “top 10” history! This was history because it has to be the first time EVER in the history of the show that I have actually enjoyed every performance! It has to be the first time I have not had something super duper snarky about at least ONE performance! I mean, who gonna go home boo? Can you call it? I sure as hell can’t! History baby!!!

Before I sign off I’d like to send shout outs to the Professor who gave some great fodder for this piece (“ate the stage” is my new fav compliment), Miss Nikki whose wit just slays and who made me look with a slightly more jaundiced eye than I wanted to tonight and that larger than life friend, Miss Foxy Coxy who reminded me that Motown was all about fun!! Tomorrow night one of these kids has to go and I just can’t call it!

As I sign off, I would like to say goodbye to Dame Elizabeth Taylor! May you rest in peace!!

Gosh these kids are young!

March 16, 2011

Listen y’all, I took a detour on the way to my little beach hut to visit with an old friend who spent as much time in the [almost] cult I grew up in as I did. We drank (a no-no back in the day) and reminisced and had a jolly good old time. Wouldn’t you know it, by the time I got home, Baby Lockthemdoors was using that deep voice to verbally molest just about every dang one of us into a state of ecstacy. Listen y’all, I have no idea what that child sang, but dang it if it weren’t just something spectacular! Anyway…tonight we found out just how young these kids really are, either that or my granny panties were on full display. I mean, really, most of those kids weren’t even born when I graduated high school. How absolutely revolting!

Now, I’m not going to bore you with a whole recap of all these chillrens who I didn’t even witness sang. I mean, for peet’s sake, that’s like all those people who review books, movies and every other dang thing without actually ever having read, watched or any other dang thing. I mean, y’all must know how annoying that is!

Ok, so, let’s get down to it.

Baby Lockthemdoors
Can I trust you with my heart
Look, this child doesn’t have to do anything but open that porn-o-rific mouth of his and let that deep ass voice vibrate over you just a little bit to send you into a total trancelike state. You know that every pre-pubescent girl who likes her some Bieber and every Gleeky boy were wetting themselves something fierce and have sent this child into the top. We have no idea what he sang, it just doesn’t matter. He’ll probably win and we won’t know what he sang. And it won’t matter. You know it as well as I do! Vibrating!!!

Karen Rodriguez
Love Will Lead You Back
Back where? To boringville? Yawn!!!

Casey Abrams
Smells like Teen Spirit
Listen, I just love this child but tonight I was a little less than impressed! Having said that, I think he just might win the whole dang thing! And I am unanimous in that opinion!

Lauren Alaina
Yikes, I don’t even remember
Well, isn’t that a boatload of crap? I mean seriously, I remember that this child tried to sneeze her disease on that Mic-Jockey, but that’s it. That’s sad isn’t it! I feel bad! I’m sorry! Sort of! Maybe. Oh hell, I don’t care! You don’t either!

Jacob Lusk
I’m sorry to get all racial and stereotypical and sh*t but, really, when did you ever know Miss Patty LaBelle to sing a song by Ann and Nancy Wilson of the chick rock genre. Never! No, not one damn time! You absolutely have never heard this done before! And on paper, this sh*t should not have worked! No, it should not have! But guess what, it did! Frankly, I’ve been ready to write this child off! I mean, don’t ya just wanna shake him and say, “butch it up a little nancy!” But, then again, maybe not! Maybe this child knows something we don’t!

Ok, so, I promise the next time to actually watch the whole dang show! I promise, I really do! Now, for one more nightcap (how many is too many?) before I toddle off to bed!

Night Idols!

Technical Difficulties

March 9, 2011

Due to technical difficulties, there will be no recap of tonight’s show. Sorry kids!! We’ll be back up and running next week.

Roughing it “Idol” Style

March 9, 2011

Well today, that hard-hitting investigative website called the TMZ has uncovered the local where the unlucky 13 (as my sainted grandmother would have called them) will be bedding down between studio time, Ford Fusion tee-vee commercial shoots and the various and sundry other things the kids will be doing over the course of the next few months while they attempt to gain our votes. And let me tell you kids a little something, something, this place is some damn doozy!

You know, back in the day, when you were coming up in the Music buz, ya slept on floors surrounded by cockroaches and mirrors covered in the cocaine. Not any more! While we congratulate the “Idols” on their luxurious digs, we’d like to share a small word of caution…”roughin” it in this way probably won’t do nuthin for your song-writin skills…assuming that is that writing your own ditties is what you’re going for!

Oh Yes It’s Lady’s Night!

March 3, 2011

Perhaps it’s me, but it seems like this first week on the big stage played on all the contestants in a less than brilliant way. This is no shock though as it seems that every season the big stage brings on serious cases of knee-knocking. We saw it last night and, unfortunately we saw it again tonight with the ladies. Once again, I “live” tweeted tonight’s show. Unlike last night, I am feeling under the weather (thanks co-workers who came to work and polluted the air with your germy-germs). Hopefully my thoughts weren’t too negatively affected!

Ok then ladies, take it away.

Ta-Tynisa Wilson needs to realize that this is a singin show. Vocals suffered when “dancing!” The outfit looked fabu, but this ain’t a fashion show.

Naemo Adedapo is quite the performer. Will do amazing on the jazz circuit. Contender fo sho!

Oh Kendra Chantelle, it’s impossible for me to love you…sorry, but the only thing I’m feelin is the outfit! Just awright.

Yay look, it’s bad, bad girl Rachel Zebita. Except she isn’t bad or good or much of anything. Booooring!

Karen Rodriguez, really??? You had a bazillion songs to choose from and you chose “Hero?” On the plus side, you sang it in Spanglish so there’s that!

Ok, I really want to write Lauren Turner off, but I think she gonna grow on me like a seven-day something or other. Contender.

Ashton Jones got some big ass hair but do she have a big ass voice to match? Hmmmmm, not if tonight’s any indication.

Julie Zorrilla looks like Cinderella but no fairytale ending here. Kinda makes me wanna breakaway from the TV.

Haley Reinhart picked the right damn song. Worked the vocals. Worked the stage. Worked that dress. Hawtness!! Fallin IN love!

Thia Megia is 15 damn years old. Jailbait. Can’t talk about how hot she looks. Can talk about how amazing her voice is. WINNER

Lauren Alaina is another youngun with a voice on her. Who listens to the radio tho? For you, maybe. Not for that song tho.

And wrapping up the night, Pia Toscano ladies and gents! And damn, she killin it! I’ll stand by you baby!!! Tonight’s winner!

I was hopeful that tonight we’d see the winner because I didn’t think I saw them last night. But the stage scared the great out of these kids. And to be honest, I don’t know which boy and girl is headed home tomorrow. Well, maybe Jordan for the boys, or Carrot Top. For the girls, let’s spin the wheel, maybe Kendra or Rachel? What do you think?

So, we wave goodnight to Peaches and the rest of the cast and wait with baited breath to see who goes home!! Night y’all!

The Boys Are Back In Town

March 1, 2011

Finally, we’re to the good stuff!! Tonight, I live tweeted the show, and well, without further ado, here’s my thoughts in 140 characters or less.

Clint Jun[bug] Gamboa tryna play like he Stevie. Also stole the Pope’s red Prada shoes. He a contender!

If Jovany Barreto is gonna sing cruise ship love songs (and did an ok job) he shoulda done it shirtless to get noticed! Iffy!

Jordan Dorsey is wearin fly boots. Not a boot competition though. OMG indeed. Not a contender with that one.

Tim Halperin sounds vaguely familiar and like he should be singin down on the corner not on the stage. Not doin it for me.

Bret Lowenstein aka Carrot Top (before all that plastic surgery) has pissed on my fire instead of lighting it. Fail!

James Durbin bothers me. He’s no Adam Lambert!!! Bet the judges liked him though! Yuck! Go home!

Guess I was wrong about James Durbin. According to the Professor he was “nice and tasty with it. F*ck Adam Lambert.” So there! (this tweet brought responses from an old lady named @runawaysu in Canada who said “F*ck YOU!” Lol!!!)

Baby boy Robbie Rosen has just put himself out to pasture with that cat-wailing awful number. Fail.

Babylockthemdoors Scotty McCrerry makes me feel a little bit funny!! Loves!

Stefano Langone needs to ditch the nerves! Hate to say, but didn’t like. And I want to! Damn!

Lookin just like Rod Stewart pre-crack days & sounding vaguely Stewart-esk, Paul McDonald made sense. Contender.

Oh dear, here come Patti Labelle aka Jacob Lusk. I think he gives super sloppy kisses…not the good kind either. Can’t watch! (the Professor said: If Luther’s watching he’s thinking from the great beyond “Maybe Mary could butch it up a little” it’s pretty bad.)

Casey Abrams got out the hospital just in time to win the whole damn show!!! Spells indeed!!! Sweet jeezis and Joseph! Winner!

So, there ya have it! Yay boys!