Ryan, STFU!

March 30, 2010

The title says it all. Ryan’s audition for Simon’s soon-to-be-vacated spot needs to be over already. Listen y’all, it has gotten so bad, I may have to quit watching just to shut up that smirking moralizing insidious voice. And as long as I’m gonna be honest, what the hell was up with the hard-sell for Usher’s new CD? Use to be that just being the celebrity guest on the show would be all that was necessary, but not now apparently. Ryan is acting like Idol is another extension of his top 40, I-wish-I-was-Dick-Clark radio show. Funny that we’re right back to to telling Ryan to STFU!! I better take my own advice and get off this topic before I have some massive coronary.

Siobhan
I would not walk through the fire or any other place to hear that shrieky, dare I say it, pitchy mess again. It was made worse by Ryan’s re-polling of the judges…and that outfit. The ex actually liked this mess which is odd given that despite all the ex’s many, many faults, music appreciation is not one of them.

Casey
In the past I’ve said it really doesn’t matter if this boy can sing because he’s just so easy on the eyes. So, in an effort to be “all about the music” I closed my damn eyes for this performance! This child can sang!! I mean, ok, he’s not bad. It’s not like he makes me want to get up and shout like I’ve been to revival meeting down at grandmomma’s church in the bayou, but, he’ll have a nice career in Vegas!

Big Mike
The ex seems to be in a parallel universe tonight which was much like our relationship. We seem to look at the same damn thing and hear something totally different. It’s become passe! Here’s the deal, everybody loved this quite stunning performance, everyone except for the ex whose skin crawls at the very mention of BM’s name. I think it’s got to be partly because of the way this child pucker’s his lips and stuff…it’s off-putting!

Didi
What becomes of broke down sangers on Idol? They wave buh-bye!

Tim
I have done a search of the inter-webs and can find nothing about “teflon tim” except from a news article where, get this, Ryan was quoted as calling him such. Ryan, STFU! Poor Tim looks like he’s trying to squeeze piglets out his ass, either that or he’s high as a kite on that sh*t that keeps people up for days and days on end. I’d like to say he’ll go home, but he won’t. He’s like a bad rash that just won’t go away.

Andrew
Finally, no one mentioned the name of that number he killed back in Hollywood! Came close, but didn’t do it! YAY! Again with Ryan needing to STFU! I mean seriously Ryan, some constructive criticism for you!! Simon knows what he’s talking about and you, YOU DON’T! So, STFU! Loved Andrew’s remake of Chris Brown’s Doublemint Gum song! YAY! He’s baaaack!

Katie
Chain of boring fools is more like it!

Lee
Thanks Lee!!! BTW, what is walking pneumonia? I always thought it was something really old people got. Anyway, didn’t seem to affect this amazing performance! Love that he’s starting to feel confident although the Professor’s roomie thinks it’s coming across as a little too self-possessed. Hmmmm…poor child can’t win for losing!

Crystal
No gee-tar and in stilettos…geezis, what’s this world coming to?! But really, this child could walk about bare-ass-nekid and slay it! She could play whatever instrument tickled her fancy and slay it! She just slays it period! The ex and I are in absolute agreement that this child has winner written all over her! Both Kara and Ryan need to STFU!

Aaron
Where did this child come from all the quick sudden? Agree with Simon that this was not the best rendition we’ve heard on Idol of this song…but it was a damn site better than anything he’s done to date.

Ok kids, that’s all I got. Unlike Ryan, I do know when to STFU!

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Magic Carpets

March 23, 2010

Oh lahrd y’all. What a mess tonight has turned into. Let’s start with the positive. Gosh, the contestants all looked awful purdy tonight!

I wish I could be like “E” and pass off the musical critiques to Simon and Kara but, that ain’t what I’m [not] paid for. So let’s dive right in.

Lee
Looked good. More in the moment. Unmemorable. Has a decent base so will probably survive the curse of the firsts.

Paige
Mercy me, what a disaster of ginormous purportions. The ex, who I found sprawled on my sofa after a lovely dinner out (great way to sour a stomach), practically shouted that this hefer was headed home…all five of her.

Tim
Silly. Why is this no talent (unless rock hard abs count) having child still on the big stage? Stoopid little girls and boys who are voting hormonally. That’s why! Bit of advice, just because you got a little wet or popped a boner when this child slid his hair across the stage, doesn’t mean he can sing. Not even remotely.

Aaron
Let’s just stick with this cold/tonsilitis story and call it a night, shall we?!

Crystal
It’s official. This child can sing. Best. Damn. Performance. Of. The. Night. Love this child and her magic carpet.

Big Mike
Bored. To. Tears.

Andrew
I wish I hadn’t heard this song through the grapevine or any other damn place. Kinda looked like Kim Jung Ill from North Korea. Sad cuz I like this child a lot.

Katie
Cute. So there’s that.

Casey
I really don’t understand the appeal unless it’s the smile, the hair, the come-hither eyes. Oh hell, this is one purdy child. I have no idea if he can sing.

DiDi
What the hell was that? Huh? Really? I mean I’d already pegged the five Paiges to be going home, but after this bunch of mess, I might have to rethink that position.

Siobhan
The ex has proclaimed this child the white Patty LaBelle. Really? Because I just think it’s a whole shreiking bunch of a mess. But what do I know? Well, I do know I wish she looked on stage like she did in that fluff piece.

Now the ex has accused me of being in too foul a mood to write tonight’s review. In fact, the ex went as far as to text the Professor and suggest I bow out of my reviewing responsibilities. I told the ex to eff off. And I’m unanimous in this.

With visions of a girl named Crystal strumming me like that geetar swung around her neck, I’m climbing onto that magic carpet for dreamland. Night y’all.


Finally, it gets good

March 16, 2010

The actual show begins!  This is my 2nd favorite Idol night…The final 12 performers is the big stage and whole (or almost whole) songs.  The only thing better is top 6 when they perform twice per show.  I like that because they can screw up and then totally redeem themselves.  Or, more interestingly, kill the first one and then screw it up by bombing on the second.

First things first – I drink wine when I watch this show as it’s the only way to retain my sanity.  Now that we can’t play “Drunk Paula“, we need a new way to play.  So, I have “Yo, check it out”, “Pitchy”, “inappropriate swaying or clapping”, or  “anyone crying” for a toast, and you have to drink your whole drink when Ellen has absolutely nothing positive to say.

Rolling Stones night, so let’s jump right in –

Big Mike – Meh.

/Ryan approaching the Judges’ Table / Scripted exchange with
Simon was STUPID

Didi – Meh.

/Ellen “You made ‘Fire’ a two-syllable word…”  Um, Fire is a two syllable word.

Casey – Reminds me of those Old Navy commercials.  He’s “aight’, he sings, but he absolutely does not perform.  Decidedly wooden.

Lacey – SO BAD.  Can not believe she’s even on the show.

Andrew Garcia – “I thought he was going to be a Custodian”?  Wow.  Go back and check out what Moms wore on National Television.  Red Pant, Leopard Print Shirt and Wig.  Fabulous.  Too bad he was so bad it hurt.  I mean, there’s no way you’re going to one up Mick, but he wasn’t even trying.

/Randy – PITCHY!  Drink!

/Ellen – “What do I know?  It’s your best performance.”  Basically, you know nothing, Ellen, because it wasn’t.

/Kara – In her first salient critique, reminded everyone that the song was about the Vietnam War and was expecting more intensity.

/Simon – What do you want him to do, come on stage with a Tank?  LOVE SIMON.

Katie – She said “Pitch” in her bio.  Drink!  UM.  WTF is she wearing?  The halo light for seriousness doesn’t make good friends with frizzy hair.  The lighting director should’ve stopped that from happening.  She sounds really strained and boring, as though the two were possible to be at the same time, and yet here we are.

*Enough with the studio-planted audience members swaying hands and clapping to every song, even songs where it’s wholly inappropriate.  It’s false and annoying.

/Randy PITCH!  Drink!

/Ellen – PITCHY!  Drink!

/Kara – It was better than last week.

/Simon – “You lost the emotion” – Well said.

Tim Urban – Under my thumb.  I hate his hair.  Oh, and everything else about him.  I mean, not everything, but, wait…yes, everything.  The serious a capella bridge with the Reggae beat was really bad.

/Kara – Twice now has said “I totally get what the guys are saying”.  Stop saying that.   Ellen’s not a guy.  Stop saying that.

/Simon – “It was a crazy decision.”  Well, so was bringing his lame ass back.  Anybody miss Alex Lambert yet?  Cuz at least he could sing.

Siobhan Magnus – Paint in Black.  Drama packed and started by sitting on the stairs.  More inappropriate clapping.  It wasn’t terrible actually.  The screech at the end nearly forced an aneurysm.  She sang ok other than that, but did a great job performing actually.  I was pleasantly un-annoyed.

/Ryan – “You look…stunning.”  Felt like he meant it.  She did look pretty good, so good on Ryan.

Lee Dewyze – Beast of Burden.  Is he crying?   I don’t care, he is the best so far tonight and I would really like to hear some old Bob Seger.  Consistent, not flashy, I think he killed it.

/Kara – “…It’s not as PITCHY!”  Drink!

/Simon – Made Lee cry even more.

Paige Miles – Honky Tonk Woman.  Now this is a song you clap to.  And WOW!  Where did she come from?  Wrecked it.  Sounded great, looked fantastic.  Kinda funny watching her sing the lyrics, which were reversed because she’s a girl, when she got to the line “…he blew my nose and then he blew my mind…” right after her Church story.  Nice unintended juxtaposition, A.I.  I don’t really think that she knows what that lyric means.

Aaron Kelly – Angie.  Again with the stairs.  New hair looks fantastic.  I like this.  More inappropriate arm swaying…Drink!  He sounds really good.  Letter perfect execution vocally, but he needs to move around a little more, but that’s trivial.   He killed it.

/Ryan – “How difficult was it for you to connect with and learn.”  Really stupid question, Ryan, even for you.

Chrystal Bowersox – Her Dad crying wins the bio contest.  D  Janis Joplin, Bonnie Raitt and Melissa Etheridge reinvented.  Fabulous.

/Simon – “…you need to go out there every time and kill it.”

Well said.

Prof.


MORE CONSPIRACY THEORIES – Political Edition

March 16, 2010

So, Season 5 Contestant Ayla Brown‘s Dad is Scott Brown.   Wait, let me say it properly, Republican Scott Brown, former Cosmo Pin up, who shocked America by having the gall to be elected in Massachusetts.  We knew that already. 

But did you know that Kara Dioguardi’s Dad is former Rep. Joe DioGuardi, R-New York?  Did you know he’s running for a Senate Seat in New York?  Do you care? 

You should.  I didn’t care and treated it as fluff until the very last line of the CNN Ticker blurb.

Now I realize that this isn’t a Political Blog, but I do have pause for concern.  In case you just don’t feel like clicking on the link, here’s the line: 

“CNN also asked the daughter if she’d ever follow her father into politics. “Perhaps,” she said. “Definitely don’t want to rule anything out.”

It takes her an hour to say nothin’, she likes the wrong people for the wrong reasons and is easily the most annoying of the judges.   I don’t get any sincerity from her assessments, even slightly…if you’re wondering about a reference point for that last, seemingly harsh statement, go watch her fake cry during the Boys’ performance last weeks (specifically Big Mike).  And she wants to follow in Dad’s footsteps?  Wait, I guess if I re-read that she’d make a perfect politician. 

I think the only thing we can do is wait for the day she announces her Candidacy and make sure Paula’s ready to run against her.  We have to start thinking of a Campaign Slogan for her now: 

  • Paula for President!
  • I like Vic(odin)
  • Straight up now elect me
  • Hey Baby!  I’m forever your Senator

Please, please help me think of more.  Not for nothing, but I’m pretty sure we could get Paula to vote for the Healthcare bill if only for the subsidized prescriptions.


Oh yes it’s ladies night

March 9, 2010

Listen here, my damn driver left me stranded at the front door of my gym because he was a little too engrossed in something besides a paycheck to give a damn that I was shivering cold on this wintery, blustery Southern California night. It took me so long to make it up to my walled and gated mini-fortress high in the hills above Hollywood that I damn near missed some kind of ghastly make-out session between leading Lez-Bee-Anne “E” and acerbic tongued Simon. I sure hope she rinses that mouth of hers with a good disinfectant otherwise her wifey, Ms. Portia, will be the top guest of Dr. Oz for his va-jay-jay panic show. But listen kids, we aren’t here to talk about scared Britney parts, we’re here to discuss scared sangers who have Hollywood stars in their beady little eyes.

Katie Stevens
Breakaway
My great-grandmother always said if you ain’t got nuthin good to say, then zip it. So, there’s that.

Siobhan Magnus
House of the Rising Sun
I have not liked this gurl and I’m not about to start now even if she did sing about my beloved Big Easy. Thank the gods/godesses for Simon cuz the other buffoons masquerading as judges obviously hit the same crack pipe before listening to this nauseating mess of a performance. And, let me just say right now, Ryan needs to quit auditioning for Simon’s spot next season. Just cuz you got a damn radio show don’t mean you know sh*t-from-shinola Mr. Teeth!

Lacey Brown
The Story
We rather liked this quirky, country-fied performance. Totally best performance this chicklet has put out to-date! WooHoo Simon even liked it. Now would we run right out and spend our hard-earned (by Hollywood standards of course) dollars on her CD? Ummm, no! BUT we thought it was fun. A bit boring, but fun.

Katelyn Epperly
I feel the earth move
Love the hair. Other than that, the earth did not move which is quite shocking given that I live in Southern California.

DiDi Benami
Rhiannon
So much better that last week but does that an Idol make? We think not! No indidi!

Paige Miles
Smile
No smile could make this performance less boooooring.

Crystal Bowersocks
Give Me One Reason
How can you pick just one reason from this Uh-May-Zing performance by the subway singer? Damn y’all, this gurl opens her mouth and makes me think of all sorts of naughty and nasty thoughts about subways and reasons and stuff. I’m with E…sick and tired of saying amazing to describe this little gurl. Lawd!! “Baby there ain’t no more to say!”

Lilly Scott
I Fall to Pieces
She was playing a damn mandolin y’all! She sounded like a cross between Patsy Kline and Jenna Jamison and I’m just not sure that middle-America who are already having a problem with “Degenerate” as a judge, can get behind a porn sanger. But hey, that’s just jaded ole me and what the hell do I know? Nothing dammit! Not a damn thing!

Well, these little gurls got themselves all gussied up and kinda, sorta sang their little ole hearts out but I kinda wonder if it was just another night of karaoke down at The Silver Fox. Ya heard?!


2 plus 2 equals 16

March 4, 2010

Jeezis, does Ryan ever shut the hell up? This schtic he’s got is as corny as my great-grandmother’s false teeth after a Sunday dinner of fried chicken, mashed taters and good old-fashioned corn-on-the-cob.

After the usual drawn out drivel from teeth, the big announcement approaches. And the winner is…JOHN PARK? WTF??? They passed over the boy from Glee AND Todrick?? Again…WTF?!?!?

More results on the guys side…Lee is safe…no shocker there. Aaron…is safe. Ugh. Mullet guy is safe as well. Jermaine and Andrew down to center court. Ok, this isn’t even a contest…why make these boys sweat? We know who it is…right? Right! Buh-bye Jermaine.

Ohhh yay!! Danny Gokey, that big queen with more glasses than Imelda Marcos had shoes, will be “performing” after the break. Woopee!! OMG…he’s country? Cute drummer though. But really? My best days will not be breaking records anytime soon. Bleck. The Professor hates. I bet you do too.

Ok, girls results. By the way, teaser for the news…something happened between Ryan and the Stage Manager? Oh shocker…Lily’s safe. Paige is…safe. Didi and Michelle…hell I’d send Michelle home before Didi but it’s not by much…well, looks like I was right. C-ya Michelle.

And we’re back. That one girl’s safe. So is the winner. Siobhan is…safe…ugh…why?!?!! Oh wait a minute…Haley and Lacey. Hmmmm…I’d keep Lacey. Guess y’all agree.

And there ya have it. Your top 16!! Wait, did I just hear the stage manager screaming…holy crap! Message to Debbie…that was fun! The unemployment line in over on Figueroa. Think you better leave right now.


Girls night!

March 3, 2010

Hola!

I’m the Prof. and this….*twothreefour*….is American Idol!  I live-blogged tonight and also switched out the hard drive in my PS3.  Multitasking my ass off, thank you VERY MUCH.

Anyway, after dealing with the the whole Hospital scare, we have no new information and do find out that Crystal is performing.  So yay for that.

Crystal Bowersox – Wow!  I loved that.  The judges loved that.  Simon loved that.  What else do you need to know?  She’s real, she’s real good, and she’s really actually like-able, a rare trifecta for Idol.

Haeley Vaughn – Is she trying to sound like Dolly Parton?  Because she sounds like a lispy young drag queen.  Struggled, unpleasant, and OFF KEY.  FAIL.

Simon getting booed and actually being funny for once:  “It’s ironic you sang ‘The Climb’ because you just fell off.”  That proved snort-worthy.  He’s funnier when he’s meaner.  Lose the girls that boo, let Simon be mean, it’s WAY MORE entertaining and you know I’m right.

Lacey Brown – a milque-toast Pat Benetar.  She’s doing high-end Karaoke and singing with a super-fake country accent.  Double FAIL.  For the record, I wrote that before Randy said it.

Katie Stevens – “Put cho rekids on”  She, just like Lacey, is simply mimicking what she heard on the radio.  Insincere, flat and boring.

Listening to Kara, I realize that we’re basically watching a very high-end Gong Show and she’s Jamie Farr.  Also, the toss back to Ryan after the Judges are done assessing who then tries to get them to give actually “useful” advice, especially when trying to admonish Simon, is excruciatingly tedious.  Just make with call-in/text numbers, you microphone monkey.

DiDi Benami – “Lean on me”  Channeling a modern day low-rent Carly Simon, DiDi, isn’t terrible.  She’s not.  But, I offer that this not “America’s least terrible” and I can’t see her as an Idol.

Who put Randy in charge moving the Judges along?  I want to hate it, but I love it.  He’s all “I don’t know, whachuthink, E?”  Then Ellen does her schtick, and then Randy tosses to Kara, but he doesn’t shut her up to move along to Simon.  Hmmmm.

Michelle Delamor – First of all, she can actually sing, which is a refreshing change from the previous contestants tonight (except Crystal obviously).  In other news, what the HELL is she wearing?  A white Prom Dress over skinny jeans, black half-jacket and Janet gloves circa Rhythm Nation?  Yeah, fashion fail.  Randy loving it proves I’m right, it’s hideous.  Ellen liking it also proves it’s hideous.  Vera Wang liking it proves nothing.  She’s almost there vocally, but not quite.  She needs to stay another week or 3, though.

Lily Scott – Strikes me as a one trick pony.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s a great trick…but I think I’d be annoyed at the prospect of hearing two songs in a row from her, and that’s definitely not a good sign.  She’s “aight” but Crystal killed her.  And Randy liking it better than Crystal proves he needs to go.  Kara’s on crack, it wasn’t a “moment” it was “aight”.  I LOVE SIMON for being so honest.  He’s right, Crystal was stronger.

Katelyn Epperly – “The Scientist” by Coldplay.  HOLY SHIT we got us a competition.  Randy, again, is wrong.  He’s always so wrong.  I want him to go 24 hours without saying the word “Pitch”, “Pitchy” or figure out other adjectives that further explain why “something” didn’t work for him.  Ellen’s wrong.  Why is Ellen also wrong?  What the hell?  Kara “I kind of love you” wins for the stupidest comment ever in the history of American Idol, except for anything Paula ever said.  That said, I miss Paula now, more than ever.  Katelyn needs to stay, I got a dose of her style and it’s a scary (bad) romance love child of GaGa and Sarah McClachlan.  I think when the judges go back and re-listen they’ll feel like assholes.

Paige Miles – “I Like to Color”.  Trying to sing Kelly Clarkson.  Right.  Meh.  Are you out of your mind trying to sing some Kelly?  Really?  I didn’t hate it, she does have a nice voice, possibly the best one, but for once, Kara got to be right.  Helps that she wrote the damn song, but she is right.  I was driving home from work like 3 or 4 years ago, and that song was on the radio.   I was on a high coming home from the gym, all amped up from the endorphins.  I sang that song so loud and proud I damn near wrecked my car.  Kara’s right, you have to mean it, you weren’t feeling the guy, you shouldn’t be smiling when you tell him to take a hike.

Siobhan Magnus – I HATED her last week.  A LOT.  Self-administered mohawk?  Pretty cute.  Warm up exercise?  Cute.  Aretha?  NOT CUTE.  Wrong song.  looking like a modern day Stepford Teen, screeching like an idiot.  Randy loving it proves it sucked.  I can’t get over that note either, Kara?  Thank you Simon: “You are interesting…”  I’ll give her that.

In summary, Crystal will win the entire competition.

Paige and Katelyn, nice job, you can leave the runway.

Prof.