Hello All and welcome to the “At least they got one thing right” portion of our show. I’m the Professor and here’s what didn’t suck about last night’s craptacular shift into actually being a singing competition. Before I bring you those tasty nuggets of wisdom, let us recap what was wrong:
- Ellen liking everybody and everything. I’m not saying to be mean, but c’mon already. They need to know when they suck so they can’t say they didn’t know they sucked the next time they go on stage and suck again. I’m well aware I just used “suck” 3 times in the same sentence.
- Ryan Seacrest continuing to suck in oxygen. Our latest “I’m crazy and have lots of money” fake rumor: Ryan is filling the void left by Michael Jackson and had a penile enlargement pump custom-built to 7 foot tall and 4 foot in diameter. Right before the Live show, he stands inside it and has Randy Jackson and Big Mike take turns jumping on the ball-pump. If he does it right, he’ll be tall enough to ride the Screamin’ Eagle at Six Flags by Summer.
- Standing on the balcony and cheering for other contestants. You don’t want THEM to do well, because YOU want to win, so why force them to cheer for each other, Idol Producers? It’s a competition! They should trip people when they walk down the stairs, hold their ears and wince in pain when they attempt (and fail…or rather SUCK trying) to hit big notes and talk smack about each other when they’re sitting on the Coke couch instead of talking about their kids (I don’t care), their Alzheimer’s-ridden Grandmother (I don’t care and neither does she) or that it’s “What I’ve been waiting for my whole life!” Girl please, you’re 16. Talk to me when you’re 40 and signing at the Holiday Inn off route 9 on Wednesdays and Fridays. THEN you can be waiting for something “your whole life”.
What didn’t suck:
- Once the judges looked around and realized that a hair and makeup Tasmanian drunkard named Paula wasn’t there, they unclenched and (OMG) actually started to give useful advice! I was FLOORED when they agreed to disagree politely and Professionally without all of the hitting and “Shut Up”s. Randy sounded for the first time ever like he actually might know a thing or two about a thing or two. Simon was his usual abrasive self, but about halfway through the show, he actually said what they might try next time to do better! I almost passed out. Kara needs to stop with the eyeliner and the enthusiasm. My issue with Ellen is above, so I won’t double-dip on her here. The hand thing with Simon at the beginning of the show was extra-CHEESY and reminiscent of something they would’ve done in season 3 or 4, like the “Paula & Simon staged make out session in front of a fireplace” offered the unique, never-before-felt sensation of giggling uncontrollably while vomiting. That’s a difficult trick to pull off, but leave it to the Idol Producers. This “hand on knee” action is but a remnant, forcing me only to throw up a little in my mouth while snorting. More singing, less vaudeville.
- Speaking of singing, yes they all kind a sucked, but you miss my point: they ALL kind of sucked, which means that they’re evenly matched. This bodes well for later in the competition, when some of them stop sucking and start to pull away from the rest of the group. In previous years, the front-runners were pretty obvious at this stage, because of the relative “suckosity” of the remaining contestants. To be more succinct, it’s anybody’s game (except Siobhan Magnus, who needs to just…stop. Make her stop. Pull your Ford Fusion Hybrid to the side of the road, punch Kris Allen in the face for being Kris Allen, pull out your ATT mobile device and text the words “STOP SUCKING” to Idols07. Regular Tex-Mex rates apply.
- Superiority Complex. I have one. It is STRONG. It is fed by the suckitude of the contestants and it’s been a year since I unleashed the snark within. It’s hungry and needs to be fed. No other show can feed the beast, it must be American Idol. Sherlock Holmes has his Moriarty. The White Spy has his African-American Spy. Jon Stewart has Glenn Beck and the Professor has……………..American Idol!
P.S. Do you think Ryan gets drunk and does that annoying pause thing to torture the people he pays to be his friends? I can imagine them in a bar and him telling the waiter “I’ll have a 7……………………and 7!” And his friends all laugh like it’s the first time he’s ever done it, and the waiter smiles because he wants a big tip and under the makeup and self-bronzer, Ryan dies a little inside? Or is it just me?