Listen, the Professor and I were chatting tonight and could think of no good thing about this drab bunch of performers. Perhaps it was because I needed a drink to make it more interesting. I mean, it’s hard to play the Drunk Paula Drinking Game without the primary character there to speed things along. Perhaps it was the fact that the Progeny’s puppy has, like the Progeny was want to do at a young age, shoved something poisonous into the mouth and become violently ill leaving dribblets of shyte spread from one end of my walled and gated casa high in the hills above Hollywood, to the other. Thanks a tree-like thing called a shrub, I have no house-gurl any longer to clean up messes and so there I was, trying to hold a conversation with the Professor while mopping floors of puppy goo. Listen, if y’all think I’m in a good and/or generous mood, y’all got another think comin! But I digress…
First, let’s talk about the judges table –
Coke cups looks like won out over Vitamin Water cups. Why God, why? Stupid montage played about Simon and Ellen. That was totally tonight’s WTF?! moment! Kara was there in all her 80’s bad hair glory perhaps trying to play up to the Drunk Paula crowd. Didn’t work! We hate her more! There really aren’t words for Randy, whose dawgs no longer bark. We do like his watch collection! And good old Simon…what to say…he’s kinda checked out already huh?! Which brings me to Ellen – Lord y’all, we do love this les-bee-ann, who has brought her brand of kooky comedienne to this sangin show. What we do NOT love is those crazy ass eyes that were buggin out at us the entire night…good jeezis those things scared us as they stalked us like an ice-blue leopard. Fix that stat! Again with the digression…need alcohol stat!
Now listen, the Professor popped up on my iPhone to inform me that
Siobhan Magnus SUCKS.
I can’t even pronounce her name, remember what she looks like, remember what she sang. Hell, I can’t remember anything about her. The next words of wisdom from the Professor came across the wires saying
C’mon Crystal! Blow us away!
Now listen, I don’t know if she blew us totally away, but hell, it was a damn sight better than just about anyone else. Which brings me to song selection and Simon’s [for once] under-used phrase “indulgent!” These gurls may have great voices, but as of right now they, none of them, not a damn one, picked out a song that didn’t sound like sad karaoke over at the A-OK-Corral down on the Sunset Strip. I have walked out on better!
I wanted to pick my top three and my bottom three, but frankly, since none of them stood out, I just can’t. At some point, my father’s sister, who use to drive me around as a child playing all sorts of fun pranks on the snakes that populated our little corner of the universe down in the Southern parts of these United States, has informed me that we really should vote to keep that girl from Colorado, Lilly Scott. She weren’t too bad, so…there ya have it! Someone we can like!
Add that to Crystal, who, while not blowing us totally away, was better than most, and what you have here is two out of twelve who we can work with based off of tonight’s lackluster and perhaps nervous performances. Listen it was crap on the tee-vee and crap on the floor. Lawd y’all, was just too much crap for one sane person to deal with.
I’d love to throw-up a poll that asks who ya liked or who should go home, but after tonight’s performances, do ya even care?