Big Boys Don’t Cry

Hey Now and welcome.  I tried live blogging the Men’s (or should I say crybabies) turn to get more detail:
  • Ryan’s intro / he needs to stop trying to engage Simon in petty conversation which brings the show to a grinding halt when he tries to take Simon to task.  Just because Simon’s being unprofessional (which I don’t care if he was, we couldn’t hear him), Ryan should know he should just ignore all distraction and execute his lines.  If I were the Producer I’d walk on to the stage during a live presentation and yank the mic out of his hand the next time he stops the show to complain about Simon.  I would then walk across the stage and hand it to the new Host who is offstage extending her hand.  All we’d see is a jeweled claw reach out and grasp it the mic tightly.  As a hush falls over the crowd, our new Host is coaxed from backstage.  Through rousing applause, the shocked judges and ecstatic audience America would see:  Paula Abdul.  As the roar fills the auditorium, Ryan realizes that he is beaten and shuffles off stage, unnoticed.  Yeah.  That would be the best scenario ever.  Going to start a facebook group for it right now.  If we can get the revocation of tax credits for organized religion and Betty White to Host Saturday Night Live, then we can get Paula Abdul to replace Ryan Seacrest.  Who’s with me?!?
  • Todrick – Simon is my hero!  Todrick’s going to cry.  “…verging on stupid, what you just did…”  It WAS STUPID.  Go ‘head on and preach, Simon.
  • “The Kid” – did ok Don’t know his name, and don’t care until final 12.  He was ‘aight.  Didn’t help that I hate that song.
  • Jermaine Sellers – HATE IT.  I’m pretty sure Doc Winter wouldn’t play him on Magic 108’s Quiet Storm, and he’s not getting any near the top 40.   “Get Here” was a travesty.  Screechy and desperate.
  • Jonas’ Step-Brother –  OH GOOD GOD.  The Suckage.  The absolute, complete and total suckage.  It is too late to ‘pologize for that performance, buddy.  Get a haircut.
  • Joe Munoz – And while we’re talking about hair, can we talk about his hair?  It’s shaped like a forehead-mounted, black volcano.  I hate when Men tap their microphone like Whitney.  I don’t even like it when Carrie Underwood does it, but at least Carrie can sing, so I let her have that one.  Has anyone heard the song he sang before?  I have never heard it in my life.  And I never want to hear it again.
  • Tyler Groady – That is all.
  • Lee DeWyyze – Easily a contender, but I hope when he looks back he notices how head bobby he is when the song goes fast.  He did not Suck.  He didn’t kill it, but he definitely didn’t suck.
  • Randy / needs to stop calling Ellen “E”.  Like right now.
  • I love Simon / I’ve had it with the audience booing every time Simon is critical.  Mainly because Simon is always critical and so we hear them boo like, every time.  They sound as bored doing it as I am listening to it.
  • Now Lee is crying.  Why are all of the men crying?
  • John Park – Hate the hair.   Then I saw his Dad’s hair.  Then I understood.  Meh on the performance, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as most of the others.
  • Big Mike – Too fast, too something.  If he would have slowed it down and sang one less verse it would’ve been better.  Would like to see how funky he can get.  At least he didn’t cry.   Good on you Michael.
  • Alex Lambert – Any relation?  Can’t believe I don’t know if it’s Glambert’s ‘lil brah?   it’s not right.  I have, however officially entered a new era when I don’t know any songs made in the last 10 years.  What the hell song was that?  It was ‘aight.  Alright, we got it Ellen, he’s an unripe banana.  Any other nuggets of wisdom?
  • Casey James – Talk about a let down.  Meh.  He’ll go through, but it was somehow strained and limp at the same time.
  • Kara/ “Who you callin’ a cougar?”  I bet Paula could teach her a thing or two about a thing or two about being a Cougar.
  • Andrew Garcia – I can’t believe Simon got it wrong, the other 3 I can understand, but all 4 didn’t like him?  He flippin’ killed it.  He was great and they’re wrong.  Enough with “Straight Up” already.

Ok, so Andrew, Kaycee, Alex and Lee…please step forward.  You’re safe, you can leave the runway.

Prof.

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One Response to Big Boys Don’t Cry

  1. John says:

    I bookmarked your site! Thanks!

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