Straight up disappointment

February 24, 2010

Listen, the Professor straight up brought the school house down with the lesson on boys and crying (it’s the rising estrogen levels, but don’t ask me how I know that…). So there’s just not much more I can add. Except you know me, there’s always something more I can say…

Here’s the deal, I watched a parade of near talentless (judging by their performances last night) boys who couldn’t stand out in a karaoke bar if they were the only patron in the dang place. There were some notable exceptions…

Those exceptions were the last three guys…Casey, the modelicious guy that caused some weird meltdown over at the judges table and the guy I waited all night to hear. I just love me some Andrew Garcia. I have since his first audition. Not only does he have a great story that just warms the cockles of my heart, but he’s got a voice that makes me want to be a stalker! Listen, his first audition rocked it! Then, in Hollywood week he straight up stole my heart and made me love Paula Abdul for reasons other than her drunken inappropriate behavior. Which is why I was all the more disappointed in his performance tonight. Don’t get me wrong, it was good…the best of the night…but it wasn’t up to the bar he’s already set.

Now listen, notes are coming in from around the world wondering about this dearth of talent that is stinking up the airwaves right now. I’ve got a call into that metrosexual of all metrosexuals to get to the bottom of this. We’ll see if I get a straight answer.

For now, we keep watching. For how much longer is anyone’s guess!

Big Boys Don’t Cry

February 24, 2010
Hey Now and welcome.  I tried live blogging the Men’s (or should I say crybabies) turn to get more detail:
  • Ryan’s intro / he needs to stop trying to engage Simon in petty conversation which brings the show to a grinding halt when he tries to take Simon to task.  Just because Simon’s being unprofessional (which I don’t care if he was, we couldn’t hear him), Ryan should know he should just ignore all distraction and execute his lines.  If I were the Producer I’d walk on to the stage during a live presentation and yank the mic out of his hand the next time he stops the show to complain about Simon.  I would then walk across the stage and hand it to the new Host who is offstage extending her hand.  All we’d see is a jeweled claw reach out and grasp it the mic tightly.  As a hush falls over the crowd, our new Host is coaxed from backstage.  Through rousing applause, the shocked judges and ecstatic audience America would see:  Paula Abdul.  As the roar fills the auditorium, Ryan realizes that he is beaten and shuffles off stage, unnoticed.  Yeah.  That would be the best scenario ever.  Going to start a facebook group for it right now.  If we can get the revocation of tax credits for organized religion and Betty White to Host Saturday Night Live, then we can get Paula Abdul to replace Ryan Seacrest.  Who’s with me?!?
  • Todrick – Simon is my hero!  Todrick’s going to cry.  “…verging on stupid, what you just did…”  It WAS STUPID.  Go ‘head on and preach, Simon.
  • “The Kid” – did ok Don’t know his name, and don’t care until final 12.  He was ‘aight.  Didn’t help that I hate that song.
  • Jermaine Sellers – HATE IT.  I’m pretty sure Doc Winter wouldn’t play him on Magic 108’s Quiet Storm, and he’s not getting any near the top 40.   “Get Here” was a travesty.  Screechy and desperate.
  • Jonas’ Step-Brother –  OH GOOD GOD.  The Suckage.  The absolute, complete and total suckage.  It is too late to ‘pologize for that performance, buddy.  Get a haircut.
  • Joe Munoz – And while we’re talking about hair, can we talk about his hair?  It’s shaped like a forehead-mounted, black volcano.  I hate when Men tap their microphone like Whitney.  I don’t even like it when Carrie Underwood does it, but at least Carrie can sing, so I let her have that one.  Has anyone heard the song he sang before?  I have never heard it in my life.  And I never want to hear it again.
  • Tyler Groady – That is all.
  • Lee DeWyyze – Easily a contender, but I hope when he looks back he notices how head bobby he is when the song goes fast.  He did not Suck.  He didn’t kill it, but he definitely didn’t suck.
  • Randy / needs to stop calling Ellen “E”.  Like right now.
  • I love Simon / I’ve had it with the audience booing every time Simon is critical.  Mainly because Simon is always critical and so we hear them boo like, every time.  They sound as bored doing it as I am listening to it.
  • Now Lee is crying.  Why are all of the men crying?
  • John Park – Hate the hair.   Then I saw his Dad’s hair.  Then I understood.  Meh on the performance, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as most of the others.
  • Big Mike – Too fast, too something.  If he would have slowed it down and sang one less verse it would’ve been better.  Would like to see how funky he can get.  At least he didn’t cry.   Good on you Michael.
  • Alex Lambert – Any relation?  Can’t believe I don’t know if it’s Glambert’s ‘lil brah?   it’s not right.  I have, however officially entered a new era when I don’t know any songs made in the last 10 years.  What the hell song was that?  It was ‘aight.  Alright, we got it Ellen, he’s an unripe banana.  Any other nuggets of wisdom?
  • Casey James – Talk about a let down.  Meh.  He’ll go through, but it was somehow strained and limp at the same time.
  • Kara/ “Who you callin’ a cougar?”  I bet Paula could teach her a thing or two about a thing or two about being a Cougar.
  • Andrew Garcia – I can’t believe Simon got it wrong, the other 3 I can understand, but all 4 didn’t like him?  He flippin’ killed it.  He was great and they’re wrong.  Enough with “Straight Up” already.

Ok, so Andrew, Kaycee, Alex and Lee…please step forward.  You’re safe, you can leave the runway.


Silver Lining

February 24, 2010

Hello All and welcome to the “At least they got one thing right” portion of our show.  I’m the Professor and here’s what didn’t suck about last night’s craptacular shift into actually being a singing competition.  Before I bring you those tasty nuggets of wisdom, let us recap what was wrong:


  • Ellen liking everybody and everything.  I’m not saying to be mean, but c’mon already.  They need to know when they suck so they can’t say they didn’t know they sucked the next time they go on stage and suck again.  I’m well aware I just used “suck” 3 times in the same sentence.   
  • Ryan Seacrest continuing to suck in oxygen.  Our latest “I’m crazy and have lots of money” fake rumor:  Ryan is filling the void left by Michael Jackson and had a penile enlargement pump custom-built to 7 foot tall and 4 foot in diameter.  Right before the Live show, he stands inside it and has Randy Jackson and Big Mike take turns jumping on the ball-pump.  If he does it right, he’ll be tall enough to ride the Screamin’ Eagle at Six Flags by Summer.
  • Standing on the balcony and cheering for other contestants.  You don’t want THEM to do well, because YOU want to win, so why force them to cheer for each other, Idol Producers?  It’s a competition!  They should trip people when they walk down the stairs, hold their ears and wince in pain when they attempt (and fail…or rather SUCK trying) to hit big notes and talk smack about each other when they’re sitting on the Coke couch instead of talking about their kids (I don’t care), their Alzheimer’s-ridden Grandmother (I don’t care and neither does she) or that it’s “What I’ve been waiting for my whole life!”  Girl please, you’re 16.  Talk to me when you’re 40 and signing at the Holiday Inn off route 9 on Wednesdays and Fridays.  THEN you can be waiting for something “your whole life”.

What didn’t suck:

  • Once the judges looked around and realized that a hair and makeup Tasmanian drunkard named Paula wasn’t there, they unclenched and (OMG) actually started to give useful advice!  I was FLOORED when they agreed to disagree politely and Professionally without all of the hitting and “Shut Up”s.  Randy sounded for the first time ever like he actually might know a thing or two about a thing or two.  Simon was his usual abrasive self, but about halfway through the show, he actually said what they might try next time to do better!  I almost passed out.  Kara needs to stop with the eyeliner and the enthusiasm.  My issue with Ellen is above, so I won’t double-dip on her here.  The hand thing with Simon at the beginning of the show was extra-CHEESY and reminiscent of something they would’ve done in season 3 or 4, like the “Paula & Simon staged make out session in front of a fireplace” offered the unique, never-before-felt sensation of giggling uncontrollably while vomiting.  That’s a difficult trick to pull off, but leave it to the Idol Producers.  This “hand on knee” action is but a remnant, forcing me only to throw up a little in my mouth while snorting.  More singing, less vaudeville.
  • Speaking of singing, yes they all kind a sucked, but you miss my point:  they ALL kind of sucked, which means that they’re evenly matched.  This bodes well for later in the competition, when some of them stop sucking and start to pull away from the rest of the group.  In previous years, the front-runners were pretty obvious at this stage, because of the relative “suckosity” of the remaining contestants.  To be more succinct, it’s anybody’s game (except Siobhan Magnus, who needs to just…stop.  Make her stop.  Pull your Ford Fusion Hybrid to the side of the road, punch Kris Allen in the face for being Kris Allen, pull out your ATT mobile device and text the words “STOP SUCKING” to Idols07.  Regular Tex-Mex rates apply.
  • Superiority Complex.  I have one.  It is STRONG.  It is fed by the suckitude of the contestants and it’s been a year since I unleashed the snark within.  It’s hungry and needs to be fed.  No other show can feed the beast, it must be American Idol.  Sherlock Holmes has his Moriarty.  The White Spy has his African-American Spy.  Jon Stewart has Glenn Beck and the Professor has……………..American Idol!


P.S.  Do you think Ryan gets drunk and does that annoying pause thing to torture the people he pays to be his friends?  I can imagine them in a bar  and him telling the waiter “I’ll have a 7……………………and 7!”  And his friends all laugh like it’s the first time he’s ever done it, and the waiter smiles because he wants a big tip and under the makeup and self-bronzer, Ryan dies a little inside?  Or is it just me?

Of Crap & Nerves

February 24, 2010

Listen, the Professor and I were chatting tonight and could think of no good thing about this drab bunch of performers. Perhaps it was because I needed a drink to make it more interesting. I mean, it’s hard to play the Drunk Paula Drinking Game without the primary character there to speed things along. Perhaps it was the fact that the Progeny’s puppy has, like the Progeny was want to do at a young age, shoved something poisonous into the mouth and become violently ill leaving dribblets of shyte spread from one end of my walled and gated casa high in the hills above Hollywood, to the other. Thanks a tree-like thing called a shrub, I have no house-gurl any longer to clean up messes and so there I was, trying to hold a conversation with the Professor while mopping floors of puppy goo. Listen, if y’all think I’m in a good and/or generous mood, y’all got another think comin! But I digress…

First, let’s talk about the judges table –

Coke cups looks like won out over Vitamin Water cups. Why God, why? Stupid montage played about Simon and Ellen. That was totally tonight’s WTF?! moment! Kara was there in all her 80’s bad hair glory perhaps trying to play up to the Drunk Paula crowd. Didn’t work! We hate her more! There really aren’t words for Randy, whose dawgs no longer bark. We do like his watch collection! And good old Simon…what to say…he’s kinda checked out already huh?! Which brings me to Ellen – Lord y’all, we do love this les-bee-ann, who has brought her brand of kooky comedienne to this sangin show. What we do NOT love is those crazy ass eyes that were buggin out at us the entire night…good jeezis those things scared us as they stalked us like an ice-blue leopard. Fix that stat! Again with the digression…need alcohol stat!

Now listen, the Professor popped up on my iPhone to inform me that

Siobhan Magnus SUCKS.

I can’t even pronounce her name, remember what she looks like, remember what she sang. Hell, I can’t remember anything about her. The next words of wisdom from the Professor came across the wires saying

C’mon Crystal! Blow us away!

Now listen, I don’t know if she blew us totally away, but hell, it was a damn sight better than just about anyone else. Which brings me to song selection and Simon’s [for once] under-used phrase “indulgent!” These gurls may have great voices, but as of right now they, none of them, not a damn one, picked out a song that didn’t sound like sad karaoke over at the A-OK-Corral down on the Sunset Strip. I have walked out on better!

I wanted to pick my top three and my bottom three, but frankly, since none of them stood out, I just can’t. At some point, my father’s sister, who use to drive me around as a child playing all sorts of fun pranks on the snakes that populated our little corner of the universe down in the Southern parts of these United States, has informed me that we really should vote to keep that girl from Colorado, Lilly Scott. She weren’t too bad, so…there ya have it! Someone we can like!

Add that to Crystal, who, while not blowing us totally away, was better than most, and what you have here is two out of twelve who we can work with based off of tonight’s lackluster and perhaps nervous performances. Listen it was crap on the tee-vee and crap on the floor. Lawd y’all, was just too much crap for one sane person to deal with.

I’d love to throw-up a poll that asks who ya liked or who should go home, but after tonight’s performances, do ya even care?