The boys are back in town

Now listen here kids, I’m just gonna say it straight out the gate – we got ourselves a damn competition! Lawd y’all, this is a top three that just makes me swoon and behave all kinds of crazy!

The boys took off this week to their respective home towns – vignettes of which we shall most assuredly be tortured with tomorrow night. Clips so staged it was nearly like watching a reality show, showed us the boys getting text messages on phones that were not theirs from the judge who would choose one of their two songs for the night. And, as is typical, the judges choices stunk to high heaven. Also typical is how the judges just think their selection is the end-all-be-all. Shoooot!

Now kids, the ex, that good Farmacist Dr. P. Haze, could not be bothered to watch this bloated and self-indulgent show for the preceding seven seasons no matter how we begged, pleaded and cajoled. Since being kicked to the curb however, the good Farmacist has found ways to shimmy over the walls, skirt the daunting security system and elude the burly security guards posted around my little casa high in the hills above Hollywood each night that the Idol has played out on my tee-vee, the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear picture.

Tonight was no exception. As the driver pulled past the gates, we caught the delectable whiff of meats being barbecued on the grill. Sure enough, a purview of the back patio revealed a lovely spread of perfectly grilled Filet Mignon, large baked potatoes with all the fixins and some fresh veggies that could only have come from the little organic farm just down the way. Lawd y’all, it was like heaven!

But listen kids, we aren’t here to talk about what I filled my belly with or what it is the good Farmacist wants (because you don’t do all this for your ex iffn you don’t want somethin…just sayin). We’re here to chat about what it is these boys did tonight!

Danny
Dance Little Sister
You Are So Beautiful

So Drunk (or as we’ve recently found out, Strung-Out) Paula chose a Terence Trent D’Arby song to lead off the judge’s choice for Danny. Now listen, we’ve always liked us some Terence Trent D’Arby – I mean, who wouldn’t given that name – but this was NOT the correct song for Danny. Now I know this is a damn singing competition, but this child’s dancing was so distracting that we found ourselves having to shut our eyes for the better part of this performance. The vocals were much better, but still, we just weren’t thrilled. Now, singing Joe Cocker WAS a smart move! This child has been paying attention to those who say the similarity between their voices is just too great to ignore. And certainly Danny put on some serious vocals for this performance. The unfortunate part of it, for us, was that we felt like he was trying to take us back to that mega-church we’ve tried so hard to escape from. That one from our past that was hyper and loud and just too damn happy. It’s a turn off for our cold, dark, snarky heart and we aren’t ashamed to admit it. While this child has an amazing voice and will go far in the gospel circles, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, we just don’t see this child making it to the finals.

Kris
Apologize
Heartless

Let’s just get this out of the way – we do NOT like this new judge Kara what’s her name. She may have some vocal chops but we’d like nothing more than to see someone take a big ole roll of duct tape to her mouth! She makes us want to throw things at our very expensive tee-vee – the kind…never mind…you already know what kind. Now, we love the song that Randy and Kara chose for Kris and we even liked his performance…enough that we bothered Ms. Vodkalips right in the middle of pouring herself another large, stiff cocktail to tell her so. But when that Metrosexual of all Metrosexuals asked the Kris if his personal selection had been difficult and he said “NO!” and then said he’d be singing “Heartless” by Kanye West, we sat straight up on our sofa. Yes kids, we did! Ballsy! Foolhardy! Sh*t! Then that child walked out on stage with just his damn gee-tar and blew our damn socks right off! Best performance of the night! We loved this little number so much that we promptly purchased it off the iTunes! Yes we did! And while we love Mr. West’s version – we love, love The Kris’s version! Lawd kids, our heart is still fluttering over that damn performance!

Adam
One
Cryin

Now Simon gave Adam one of his favorite songs to perform. And we, like Simon, just love this Bono song. Lawd kids, we loves it! We did NOT love Adam’s performance of the same tonight! Not remotely! We got up and walked off! Yes, we did! And, while we think this child is quite an amazing performer, we must say that we agree with the Professor that this child needs a Valium. The good Farmacist actually questioned why this child needs to scream at us each and every damn time. We too wondered the same damn thing. I’d like to say that Cryin was a rousing success – but really – it was more of the same – perfect, but over the top, performance!

Now listen kids, tonight brought a first – yes kids, a damn first – the good Farmacist actually voted! And not just once, but 5 damn times! We were so proud of the good Farmacist that we peed ourselves just a little! Oh, you are probably wondering who the good Farmacist voted 5 times for. Well, it’d be the same fraud that my valued and vaunted vote was given to – THE Kris!! We just love this child who one person on the Facebook said reminded them of our dear friend, little Reese Witherspoon! So, which one of the boys is headed back home tonight?

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