Now listen here kids, I need to get my fat ass in bed! I’m in no mood to deal with any lip from anyone! Those damn frauds that are parading themselves around that craptacular stage over at Idol should be smacked upside the head. Or as my sainted father use to say about the child assumed to be my much younger male sibling, should be “dropped kicked to the moon!” I mean, lawd-a-mercy, what was that ginormous mess we witnessed tonight?! Huh? I just don’t know who to blame: the frauds who are calling themselves contestants OR the consultants (and I use that term ever so lightly) who are there to help them with their song selections.
Now, I’ve just slid into my casa high in the hills above Hollywood after spending another lovely evening with Bosoms Galore, her marital partner and their most adorable spawn drinking copious amounts of wine paired with some lovely cheeses and a lightly seared filet. From their penthouse overlooking this city of angels spread like a carpet below us and watching from their big ass tee-vee – the kind that hangs on the wall and costs more than your damn house – we have cursed and screamed and shaken our collective heads at this hot mess that has been foisted upon us in the name of sangin! We sat in rather stunned silence as Anoop-Dog ushered himself right into the bottom three; we refused to turn our lights up or down during Megan Joy’s mangling of Bob Marley and frankly, we were just flat out flummoxed at selections these frauds made, particularly given the amazing buffet they had at their disposal. These kids blew and not in a good way!
Now kids, I would be remiss if I said that they all sucked! They did not! In fact, one child did so good, he caused Ms. Vodkalips to ring my little iPhone up to say that she was all wet. Now kids, I know that is disturbing to hear, but lawd y’all, I was feeling a little bit beside myself as well after that child Kris pounded out that old ditty makin it all new and downright alluringly sexualized and stuff! Yes, that child did!
But listen kids, I don’t have time to sit around and hold forth on all these frauds. I really must climb between these most luxurious of sheets that have been spread out so invitingly on my place of slumber.
This poor child has a magnificent voice but really can’t figure out what the hell kind of song he should be singing that will showcase his talent as anything other than the winner of the Frat House Karaoke competition! And to top it off, he had the great misfortune of being selected to “perform” in the first time slot thus guaranteeing that he was totally forgotten by the time we wrapped up the show! Expect him to be in the bottom three…for sure!
Turn Your Lights Down Low
Now I like this little quirky temptress! However, I just found myself less than impressed with tonight’s performance. Perhaps the only saving grace was that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze found her to be “not that bad…in fact, pretty damn good!” Shocking since the good Farmacist rarely has time to be bothered with giving an opinion on any of the contestants! Still, I’d say she’s another shoo-in for the bottom three but maybe, just maybe, she’ll stick around for another week! Maybe?!
What Hurts The Most
What hurt the most was having to suffer through this bore of a performance. And that, kids, is perhaps the most shocking thing I can say because we have loved, loved, loved this child. Tonight, Ms. Galore and I just looked at each other, yawned and stepped outside for a breath of fresh air. We couldn’t be bothered!
This poor child is stylistically and hairifically challenged! I understand that she is 16 and trying to figure sh*t out, but jumpin beans on a pogo stick! I was slightly confused by that outfit way more than I should have been! Thankfully I remembered a little tidbit of wisdom that Ms. Vodkalips imparted several years ago…”close yer damn eyes” she slurred one night while watching a rather hideously dressed contestant! I did and again found myself in love with this child!
I Love You Just The Way You Are
I must have stepped away during this wedding-singer-esq performance! And really, who can blame me! Ms. Bosoms Galore’s only comment was that this child’s “hair is f*cked up!” My lovely cousin, from her trailer out in the wilderness of Kansas could only say that this child needed sunglasses! And frankly, if that’s all that can be said about this child then it’s time to send him home!
You Found Me
We weren’t looking for you! And certainly, after that performance, find it hard to make ourselves want to look for you! Egads!
We know this child has pipes! But really, like Kara, we ain’t tryin to hear Ms. Rounds turn herself into some damn kind of adult contemporary singer! No kids, we ain’t!
Play That Funky Music
Again, this child is good! But damn y’all, he shore ’nuff likes bein way, way, over the top! Lawd!
Ain’t No Sunshine
This child sent shivers and chills a runnin’ up and down my damn spine! By 9:45p, Ms. Vodkalips was still all wet down there and had managed to vote 46 times for this child! We were still hitting the rewind button on our trusty little TiVo like device to watch and re-watch this masterpiece of a performance! We will buy this damn CD as soon as it is out!
Now listen kids, tonight was nothing but bad, bad song selection! Just about all these damn children blew it! But the real question is, who blew it bad enough to go home?