Well blow me down!

April 30, 2009

Now listen here kids, I did something rare on a Wednesday night – I hit the record button on my trusty little TiVo-like device and turned the boob toob off! Yes I did! Now kids, this morning I wake to find that perhaps I shouldn’t have been so hasty. In fact, maybe I should have looked at the poll numbers (all five of ya) from right here. Instead, I got a little carried away with the neighbor (you know who you are) and missed the whole damn thing!

This fine morning of course, sandwiched in between the ever growing panic around some flu one gets from kissing a pig and my favorite weather gurl expounding on the never-changing weather here in the Southland of Caleefornia, I get the news that the bottom three consisted of Matt (well, no surprise there), Kris (huh?) and Adam (WTF?). Now listen here kids, yesterday all the reports were that Kris and Adam were our top two based off of your downloads from iTunes (a place I try to stay far, far away from…or not). If one were a conspiracy theorist, they might suggest that perhaps Idol scripted last night’s bottom three to counteract this bit of sloppiness on their part. But I don’t do theories, conspiracy or otherwise. So, I’m just gonna say it this way – Kris sang first and that’s always a curse! And Adam, well kids, while we think Adam is one more amazing entertainer, he does get a little bit grating after a while. So, hmmm…maybe, just maybe, we’re starting to get bored. Who knows, maybe he was starting to get bored himself what with all that coasting he’s been doing. We’ll know next week won’t we!

For now, we [finally] bid a long overdue adieu to that crooner, pianist person from way up north in Kalamazoo. We wish him well!

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Brat Pack!

April 28, 2009

Now listen here kids, somethin’s goin on over there at that bombastic and self-indulgent show called Idol. Little changes have continually been made this season and by gum, they were on full display tonight. Lawd-a-mercy, somebody is in full meltdown over the negative trajectory of this show. Don’t believe me? Well, hit the damn rewind on your TiVo and ask yourself what the hell happened to Drunk Paula tonight. Ask yourself why we went back to starting the judges comments with Randy instead of whomever felt like they should start. Yeah, ask yourself those questions and then it will become way too clear to you that someone has been tinkering with the little things that we’ve come to expect on the show and perhaps the numbers are not working out like the moron in charge thought. And that kids, makes me wonder if this will be the last season we see Kara as a judge. Just sayin!

Now listen, I’d like to spend just a couple of minutes talking about that Drag Queen we affectionately call Drunk Paula. WTF? Listen, I know we here at Idol Chatter like to make serious fun of this child! Hell, we’ve even developed a drinking game to make certain you can get as f*cked up as she is! But lawd kids, last night was the first time in all 8 seasons that I can remember when Paula was lucid, cogent and on-point. And I’ll tell ya, it was so disconcerting I found it hard to watch. No red eyes? No rambling? No head in Simon’s lap? No pointless banter with Simon? No standing touchdowns? No sitting touchdowns? She was a damn robot and frankly it was so off-putting that we have no idea what to make of it. As much as we hate to say it, we miss Drunk Paula!

But, we could go on and on about this mess of a show. We could point out that, despite it’s continued popularity, it is losing viewers like water through a damn strainer. But you kids are loyal damn fans like we are and really, all you want to know is how those damn frauds and one fraudette performed tonight. For once they were all hittin at the top of their game. We’d like to blame it on that, make us want to take our clothes off hotness, Mr. Jamie Foxx, but frankly, we can’t. Because we think these children have plumb decided to step up their game. In fact, we were having a hard time figuring out which damn child we liked best. If we are being honest, and you know we always are, there was one who flitted across our big-ass-tee-vee, the kind that hangs on the wall and projects one of those crystal clear images, that we did not particularly care for and felt he fell far short of what it takes to be our next Idol. Yes kids, we said it…HE!

Kris
The Way You Look Tonight

This child just gets better and better! Once a church mouse sneaking up to the stage hoping we wouldn’t really notice him, he’s become some sort of crooner that makes us feel all funny on our insides. Yes kids, we will admit this freely…we loves this child! And if you must know, our vaunted and hard to get vote was given to this child and only this child!

Allison
Someone To Watch Over Me

This child we did not expect to come and and croon to us. We expected this little birthday girl to come out and once again rock us out. But da-da-damn! Not this time! Sounding like a edgier Pink, this child came on out and brought it!! We like find ourselves impressed and in love even with her look. Simon can go screw himself!

Matt
My Funny Valentine

We did not like this pitchy and not very cleverly sung version of this showtune which has been done up and done over by more members of the Rat Pack that you can shake a stick at! We agreed with Randy that it was just not up to snuff! We’ve voted this child off once before and we are asking all the gods wherever they may or may not exist to help us in sending this child back to where he belongs (a place we are sure exists but which we don’t care to know of or about)!

Danny
Come Rain or Shine

Continuing with his revival themed performances, Danny gave a mixed bag tonight. Now listen, we have been a big fan of this child for a very long time. But y’all know as well as we do that this child has been off his game for some weeks running. Tonight, certainly for the first half of this performance, we were quite sure this child was once again off his game. Crazy thing though, it was like about halfway through that a different Danny came out to play and damn, this child closed this little performance out with a freakin bang! We found ourselves feeling like we’d been to our sainted grandmother’s church during one of those “fire-falling” services that would scare the beejeezus out of us as a little ankle-biter watching the little old ladies run around waving hankies!! HALLELUJAH!!! SING IT BROTHER!! WOO-HOO!!!

Adam
Feeling Good

Frankly kids, there ain’t a damn thing to say about this child that we haven’t already said! He’s over-the-top goodness! We loves him! Ms. Vodkalips rang to say she wished she were a gay man so she could make a play at this hot man. He makes her wet all over and not in the way that Simon used earlier when talking about Kris! And listen here kids, this was a rendition of a song that has been sang more times on the show than Drunk Paula putting her head in Simon’s lap. But never like this!!!

So listen kids, the music of the Rat Pack was brought to us by the Brat Pack and we liked!!! We are in agreement with ourselves that this was the best week so damn far! But someone has to go!


Double Whammy!

April 22, 2009

On a night that saw choreography by Drunk Paula! On a night that saw Disco Queen Thelma Houston come out in a dress that was like something from an insane Easter Bunny and a fat and balding KC from KC and the Sunshine Band totter around the Idol stage, it was almost a let down when we got to the end of the show and found out that Lil and Anoop would be exiting stage right. Well, actually, every damn one of us knew Lil was leaving, so they didn’t even bother to play and sent her straight home to be with that fine-azz huzband she has and those adorable little ankle-biters! We wish this child well!

Anoop on the other hand was a bit of a shocker. Not much because we knew! We also knew that his performance last night killed compared to his performance the night before (well yes, except for that sad last note BOTH nights!)! We also knew that he was looking hot with that scruffy facial thing and that mussy hair! But he’s gone! We aren’t shocked or anything…


Boogie Fever!

April 21, 2009

Now listen here kids, one would usually think that Disco night would be one more hot mess up on that over-indulgent stage on that bloated juggernaut of a show called Idol. We’ve seen it happen season after season where our favorites shat all over themselves trying to prove they’ve somehow caught the disco fever! Well lawd y’all, tonight was NOT one of those nights. These frauds clearly know something about disco and they weren’t afraid to lend their debatable talents to prove it.

Now listen here real fast kids, once again I am forced to tap out this little missive via my iPhone as if I was tappin out the damn Morse Code. It’s damn near driving me insane. Not to mention that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze (who obviously wants something) has once again shimmied over the fence, past the guard dogs and was sprawled out on my sofa as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Not only that, but the good Farmacist keeps insisting on hogging the remote control AND trying to give me wet willies. We are NOT amused! Thankfully, we find our spirits lightened by this fine bunch of [mostly] in-tune singers.

Now, y’all will most certainly remember that that acerbic tongued maestro, Mr. Cowell, had given some sort of reprieve that brought out tears of joy for that Matt fellow who frankly sang like a really bad karaoke performer on the good ship lollipop last week. But, save him they did. Which means that tomorrow night’s result show will be quite spectacular as we loose not one but TWO of these damn children. Frankly, we’ve already got our two picked out. Not because they sucked, because, as we’ve already admitted, this is one HOT bunch of children. But because there are two who really and truly can’t seem to step their game up to the level that some other of the children have done.

Now kids, y’all know I could just go on and on, but frankly, we ain’t here to talk about me, we’re here to talk about these kids! Ya ready?

Lil Rounds
I’m Every Woman!

Poor Lil, she shore is every damn woman! And hell, we’ve seen ’em all parade around that stage. Now lawd y’all, we love that she got an ass-et that makes us sit up and take notice. And we love that she’s got a voice as big as all get out! We do not love that she has lost herself! Being good at mimicking stars might get ya a show at a mid-level casino in Vegas or Reno (probably Reno). But y’all, that ain’t sayin much! We love ya Lil, but you’re our first pick to boogie on outta here!

Kris Allen
She Works Hard For The Money

Oh dear gods in the heavens and any where else they may (or may not) reside! This child plum has done something to our cold, dark and snarky heart! We would stand on any street corner at any hour of the day if we thought he might croon about us! This child is workin it and we couldn’t be happier! Lawd, this was, by far, the best performance of the night! Hell, this child has gone from a timid mouse sneakin on stage to a power-house who’s just ready to f*ck some sh*t up! BAM!

Danny Gokey
September

Kids, this child shore does have a purty voice! But lawd, this child is puttin on the weight! And watchin him prance around that stage makes us think of all the homosexual sangers who lead the music at all the big mega-church wannabe’s all across this great land of ours. They just tryin so damn hard! And Ms. Kara’s right, pitch perfect! BUT…that’s the problem kids…we just can’t quite put our finger on what that BUT is that leaves us cold…but it’s for sure there!!

Allison Iraheta
Hot Stuff

Hot stuff is right! This child just knocks our socks off…even when we don’t like the song, arrangement or even the performance. That kids is some damn talent!

Adam Lambert
If I Can’t Have You

We have nothing to say except this – the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, was absolutely certain, without a doubt, that this was the worst performance of the night! We were a little shocked – heck, even the good Farmacist was shocked…but that didn’t change the verdict! We on the other hand loved, loved, loved it!

Matt Giraud
Staying Alive

This child was just so damn excited to be given a second chance at Idol life that he sang some damn song by the Bee Gee’s about livin. And well, he shouldn’t have! See.Ya.Later.Bye! We did not need to hear this and we are in total agreement with ourselves about this decision! This child we did not love and expect to see him sittin at the bus depot with that child Lil clutchin his ticket back to where-ever he came from (we don’t know and don’t care) in his lifeless hand!

Anoop Desai
Dance the Night Away

Really kids, we have no idea if that’s the name of the song! And frankly, we aren’t sure we really liked this arrangement! But we are quite certainly that Anoop-Dog looked fly as f*ck tonight! And, while we expect him to round out our bottom three, we expect to hear the smooth sounds of that lovely child’s voice for at least one more damn week!

So kids, here’s the question – Ya think I got it right in sayin that Lil and Matt got boogie fever? Or, you got someone else in mind?


Woo Hoo!

April 16, 2009

Sent at 10:04p from the Professor –

Ok, American Idol has just become my favorite show ever…again.

Goooooooooooo MATT!

Yay!

Yay for Disco!

Yay for Scotch!

Yay for everything!

Did you get salvation like the Professor, and, if I’m being honest (which we know I always am), like me OR did you find the whole thing cheesy and just another cog in the wheel on the Losing My Religion tour?


At the movies!

April 14, 2009

Listen kids, once again I find my mood to be just plain old foul! My trusty little laptop has decided to behave in a manner unbecoming to an object with such a damn high pricetag! As such, I’ve had to attempt to write this little bit of nonsense on my trusty iPhone. It’s been a chore and a challenge and frankly, I’m just a little bit on the pissy side! Deal with it!

Tonight kids we were treated to a movie extravagance with that movie making god Quentin Tarantino as the “director” for tonight’s events. Now I love me some QT – there ain’t a movie better than Pulp Fiction! Period! But really, a maker of bizarre and frightening cult movies doesn’t make a musical director…in most cases! However, because we love, love, love QT, we’re not gonna bitch about his selection as mentor for tonight’s movie theme extravaganza!

We did notice, as the camera panned the damn audience that one of the members of The Boss aka Bruce Springsteen’s band was there, weird bandanna and all! And lawd kids, if that damn Katie Couric wasn’t there in all her tanned glory! Apparently every-damn-body loves American Idol. Without sounding bitter, although I sure am, it makes me angry to know that my tickets were given to some news hack!

But, we aren’t here to talk about who was, and who wasn’t, in the damn audience! We’re here to chat about those damn frauds parading around that stage all proud of themselves because they get to go on tour! Well, aren’t we just thrilled!

Now, several things have just got me riled up! The first is that the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze managed to get past the gate to my compound high in the hills about Hollywood and had a lovely dinner waiting for me upon walking through the door. That would have been all fine and dandy had not I apparently made some small, imperceptible and unknowing face gesture that was perceived as “rude” and which nearly brought ruin to my whole damn night! Thankfully the good Farmacist had made a lovely dinner! The other thing that just set me sideways was this damn idea that only two judges were allowed to share their opinions with the children who were attempting to wow us with their vocal prowess! I do NOT like this turn of events! If you can’t fit all the sh*t you need to in a show then get rid of that damn Kara! She’s unnecessary!! We’ve already got dumb-ass Drunk Paula and have no need to add another loopy judge into the mix!

Thankfully my evening wasn’t a total waste! The Professor – that wise beyond words author who periodically pens little notes for this here on-line endeavor was just blowing up my trusty iPhone! Lawd, that child was in rare, rare form and made the evening way entertaining! But, we’re here to chat about songs from movies, not porns and such that we might like to fantasize about…the Professor not withstanding.

Allison Iraheta
I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing

We love this child to pieces!! We are not a particular fan of this song, but really, who cares! We love anything this child sings! Now, unfortunately, and again, we will probably see little miss red-headed-like-bozo-the-clown in our bottom three again. But don’t fear, we have a strong hunch she’ll beat back the curse of the first!

Anoop Desai
Everything I Do

Lawd kids, this child has done come on strong right when we needed him to! I thought this child was plum singin to me! We said last week that if he dropped this ball this week, we’d immediately call for him to be bounced out on that cute little kiester of his! We will not be doing any such thing! As the lez-biun who we frequently run into in our place of buziness has just said, “he’s becoming my favorite!” We agree!!

Adam Lambert
Born To Be Wild

We certainly believe this child was born to be wild! And lawd kids, we would be lying if we didn’t say that he’s just a little bit over the top! And, if we are being honest, and you know we always are, we think Simon was dead on when he said that some would love and some would just not love that performance! We know he wrecked the whole damn thing – we just don’t know if we really liked it! The hair is quite another story!! Loved it! And the outfit! In fact, the Professor has the same damn outfit! I feel the vapors coming on!

Matt Giraud
To Really Love a Woman

We are quite certain this child has never really loved a woman. Had he, he might have emoted a little something other than boring and drab! The Professor did rather lewdly suggest that Matt come over and take his clothes off…as long as he shut his mouth! The consistency issues I spoke of regarding Anoop-Dog last week seems more fitting for this child! Bottom three contender!

Danny Gokey
Endless Love

More like endless song!! Blech! Really, we love this child’s voice, but song choices are killing him! Which makes us not love him so much any more!! Sad!

Kris Allen
I Don’t Know You

There is knowledge and there is carnal knowledge! Frankly, after this performance, both the Professor and I wanted carnal knowledge of this child!

Lil Rounds
The Rose

Poor Lil, I had such high hopes for her! They are dashed! She’s lost herself! Either that or some damn vocal coach is giving her bad advice [our advice – listen child, don’t listen to Paula…she’s too damn f*cked up to be a vocal coach…just sayin!]! We expect to be waving bye-bye to Lil and that amazing ass-et of hers!

Well kids, we’ve done it – we’ve managed to whack this whole thing out on our trusty little iPhone! You kids who are into splitting hairs about grammatical and stylistic bullsh*t need to keep those damn comments to yourself! we don’t wanna hear it! What we would like to hear is thoughts on this damn movie themed week – we just didn’t get it!


The Wedding Singer

April 9, 2009

Now kids, if you have been following our little on-line endeavor, you know that we have begged and pleaded with y’all to toss the dead weight that is Scott aka the wedding singer. And we are happy to report that you have finally listened to us and done so!

But kids, we would be wrong if we didn’t say that somewhere deep down in our cold, dark, snarky heart, we are just a little bit proud of this boy who, against all odds, has propelled himself to pretty much the top of the American Idol heap. No, he certainly isn’t the best singer/musician around that we can all agree on! But damn, the boy is gifted and, by overcoming so much in his life, has become a powerful example for others with disabilities that could hinder and hamper personal success!

We are proud of Scott and we wish him well as he enters the field of adult contemporary musicians! One day, we are quite sure, we will see him entertaining the Vegas masses! You’ve inspired us to see past our disabilities and just go for it!

BRAVO!