Flu-like symptoms

Ok kids, here’s the deal! I’ve somehow managed to land smack dab in a pile of flu-like symptoms that don’t make me very amenable to anything and certainly not writing about that Opryland fiasco we were treated to tonight. Now kids, I like’s me some country and western music as much as the next person and that skin and bones country crooner Randy Travis certainly is at the top of the heap in the gun-rack-in-the-back-window-of-my-pickup-truck crowd. In fact, I was a good mind to invite Mr./Mrs. Redneck over cuz lawd knows they love them some Randy Travis. I didn’t because I’m feelin less than and because they decided to fly the coop down to Ala-somewhere or other to reconnect with their roots. Lawd, I don’t know who to be scared for.

But listen, I’ve digressed. Frankly, if I’m being honest – and we know I always am – I just wasn’t too enthused. It wasn’t that anyone sang terribly badly, it’s just, I wasn’t feelin’ it. There is one who is totally and undoubtedly out of his league. The blind guy is a really nice guy who would totally finish first if this was a show to pick America’s favorite wedding singer. But it’s not!

Since I’m feelin under it, I’m gonna cut this short and concentrate on those fraudulent country and western crooners who did something less than dazzle as they paraded their “talent” across that indulgent stage for 30 million (right) of us to see –

Michael Sarver
Ain’t Going Down (Til the Sun Comes Up)

The sun has risen for this oil rig roughneck and he’s goin’ down! Trust me! He did not sing terribly badly, tis true, BUT, he sang first and get real, unless he’s your pick to win the whole damn thing (hello all three of you), then you’ve totally forgotten than he even sang. You know it, and I know it! Hell, I forgot he sang before the show was even over.

Allison Iraheta
Blame it on Your Heart

Paula for once was quite lucid when she held forth that this child could sing the damn alphabet and do it well!! While I can’t stand that nasty lookin mop she has placed upon her little 16 year old head, I do quite like what comes out of this child’s mouth. She got pipes!

Kris Allen
To Make You Feel My Love

I did not feel this child’s love, or anything else. I was just damn bored. He certainly is a cute child and I loved the ring on his finger – just stunning – but, if that’s all I remember, then lawd kids, that just ain’t much!

Scott MacIntyre
Wild Angels

Wild what? Look, this child did my cousin’s ex a favor by croonin when he married the cuz’s replacement. And I don’t hold that against him! I truly don’t! In fact, I think he has quite a career croonin to love-birds as they celebrate that special day that starts the long hard road to divorce court. I’m not bitter, I’m just sayin.

Lil Rounds
Independence Day

Now listen here, we like us some Lil Rounds and it doesn’t matter a damn bit what Simon calls her…we will love that child until the day she is placed out to pasture. This will not be the week! It won’t! Obviously she isn’t a country and western star in the making. We know that! So do you! But she was pretty damn good considering!

Adam Lambert
Ring of Fire

Lawd, this child is something else. Now listen, all the gay boys are just in love with this child because of his over the top performances…and maybe, just a little bit because of this picture. I have refused to get on board because this child is just too much! But lawd kids, these drugs the good Farmacist has prescribed must be doin something to my mind, because I quite liked the hot mess that was Adam tonight!! BRAVO!

Alexis Grace
Jolene

Now listen kids, all I can think of right now is that I’m gonna be stuck with Jolene running through my head as I try to fade off into sleepytime land! I just don’t have words for this tacky performance! None what-so-ever!

Danny Gokey
Jesus Take the Wheel

I have liked this child for some time (partly in protest over the untimely departure of his man-friend Jamar), but tonight I could have done without! As Simon often says, it was indulgent! Quit preaching! We just don’t care! And we also don’t care about only the big notes cuz if you can’t support them with spot-on smaller notes, then who cares about the big ones! Come on!!!

Anoop Desai
You’re Always on My Mind

Oh Lawd, this child’s performance plumb makes me take back every little thing I said about this child last week!! I will dream and fantasize about this child and his, um, performance as soon as my head hits the pillow!!!

Megan Joy
Walkin’ After Midnight

This child is fun and quirky and we like her! She may have been sicker’n’a dog, but lawd we admire that she came out and sang her purty little heart out!! Feelin like we do right now, we could not have done what she did! She got our vote tonight (even if she left Ms. Vodkalips feelin’ cold and clammy like our flu-like symptoms)!!

Matt Giraud
So Small

I do believe this child just rang every bell in my house!! Had I not already declared my intent for Ms. Megan Joy, I would be given my vote to this fella!!! Lawd!!! This child done just sang the house down and replaced that Gokey fella as the reigning “singer” of the bunch! Can he keep it up? We shall see!!

Now listen, I’m gonna take my ass to bed and try to pull it together! Now listen here kids, I’m makin the prediction that we’ll be losing that oil rig roughneck fella. What you think?

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One Response to Flu-like symptoms

  1. Longwell says:

    Good post and nice design.

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