Isn’t 13 bad luck?

Now listen here kids, once again I don’t have but a damn minute to whack this little bit of on-line nonsense out. My damn driver has informed me after last week’s little hissy fit of honking that I’d better be on-time otherwise my ass will be left behind. Now if you asked me, and no one has as of yet, that damn fool is begging to lose his status as my driver since I’m the one writing out his damn check.

Now y’all are probably wondering what the hell happened to me last week since there were no notifications or any sort of releases from my casa high in the hills above Hollywood after last week’s rather bizarre ending that saw our top expand to a size 13. Now kids, I’ve got nothing against adding someone to an already over-bloated roster…but why 13? My sainted grandmother, may she rest in peace with all the spirits she was so fond of calling up during her long and fulfilling lifetime, was as superstitious as they come and she would not be thrilled with this tempting of the fates by bringing our number up to 13. I was half afraid to climb into bed lest she torment me in my dreams about this unseemly development.

Now kids, if I’m being honest, as we know I always am, I was called away from my big ass teevee – the kind that hangs on the wall and projects a crystal clear image – by a rather big-headed Hollywood Jew Lawyer who came over to whisper in my ear some news of a decidedly confidential nature. Now kids, I don’t know sh*t from shinola about the goings on behind the scenes over at that bloated and irrelevant show we watch so faithfully called Idol, but lawd kids, that Ms. Jew Lawyer sure does. Ohhhh Lawd, to say I was shocked and appalled at some of the filth pouring out of her mouth is just the understatement of the year. I was of a good mind to ring up that metrosexual of metrosexuals and register my horror until of course I remembered that (i) what flitted in to my wide open ear was confidential (as if…I live in Hollywood) and (ii) I was drunker’n’a’skunk so I coulda been mistaken.

But now, my only reason for bringing up Ms. Jew Lawyer’s visit was that I missed hearing a couple of those damn frauds belt out what they are calling performances. Although, let’s get real, even the replay of Jasmine, poor thing, was enough to tell me I hadn’t missed a damn thing. Oh lawd, that child didn’t go there did she? What a mess…even if she’s a cute one.

And on the subject of messes, good lawd, Paula was in straight up rare form. Brother-man sent me a covert message over the Facebook stating that he thought she was a rather lousy representative for whatever medication they had given her. Me…lawd, I just wanted some. And let me tell you a damn thing or two…don’t play Drunk Paula at home alone unless you enjoy finding yourself splayed sh*t-faced on the floor. And the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze did not help matters by dropping by rather unannounced with a self-prescribed bottle of his own special medication designed to make the world disappear into some sort of haze. Lawd, even in my foggiest of states, it is apparent that child is working an angle.

Now kids, that old lush D.C. Vodkalips was a hollerin into my iPhone about something or other, lawd love her. I think what she was saying was that Danny Gokey got her hot n’ bothered. Now if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, that child is about the best thing on the damn show. Lawd, I’d give my only child for just a quick moment with he and his man-friend.

But listen here, that fool driver of mine has blasted the horn and I haven’t had a moment to write up these moe-rons that massacred those songs recorded so lovingly by the Progeny’s idol, that White Lady herself, Miss Michael Jackson. So, with horn a blowin in the background, a head a beatin like the drums in Ricky Miner’s band, here’s a quick rundown –

Lil Rounds
The Way You Make Me Feel

Love this child…even her misguided outfit! She is one of the few who will overcome the curse of the firsts! Trust me…this child is just tops in my book.

Scott MacIntyre
Keep The Faith

Now, I know that this sightless prodigy serenaded my cousin’s ex and his new wifey at their wedding. And I don’t hold that against him. His performance on the other hand left a whole hell of a lot to be desired. That’s all I’m gonna say!

Danny Gokey
PTY

Pretty young thing indeed! Lawd kids, he’s not really my cup of tea, but damn that child can sing the clothes right off of me. I ended up drinking a glass just in celebration of this performance. Lawd, thank the gods that this was not the finals cuz this child woulda won hands down!

Michael Sarver
You Are Not Alone

I wanted to be! Lawd, I know the judges thought he did swell…me…hell no!

Jasmine Murray
I’ll Be There

And then she wasn’t…just sayin!

Kris Allen
Remember the Time

I have no comment!

Allison Iraheta
Give In To Me

Lawd kids, I love this child and her ballsyness…I did not like last night’s performance. Not even remotely. And that hair…jumpin jeebus…

Anoop Desai
Beat It

Scram. Bounce. Bugger off! Seriously! We liked you now we don’t! You’ve done killed a song we love and hold dear to our cold, dark, snarky hearts.

Jorge Nuñez
Never Can Say Goodbye

Now we like this child, but we did not like the class 1 drag performance he gave last night. Lawd, that big-haired, foul mouthed, Lady Bunny would have been proud to have given a performance half as good at the once glorious but now sadly defunct Wigstock! Whew!

Megan Joy Corkrey
Rockin Robin

Really? Why?

Adam Lambert
Black or White

This child revolts me! I cannot even believe the amount of attention the judges just pour over him. A league all his own? WTF?! I do not understand his reed-thin voice and the appeal it has. I do love his hair!

Matt Giraud
Human Nature

Poor thing…had to follow that over the top Adam fellow. In truth, I was too drunk to know whether this child strummed his gueetar with any degree of acceptability. Pity cuz I’ve liked this boy! Just tell him that it’s human nature!

Alexis Grace
Dirty Diana

Well kids, I certainly felt dirty after watching that…and not in a good way!

So, who’s the two headed home tonight?

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