Well, ya’ll, it’s that time of year again. Those regular readers of this little on-line endeavor, know that I’m talking about just one thing, THE thing, that over-indulgent giant of mediocrity we call American Idol. If you are like me, and undoubtedly you are, then you have been waiting all a quiver for this momentous moment to arrive. And here it is, right on our doorstep – ringing the bell and waiting for us to let in that barrage of nonsensical musical excrement which makes our bane of an existence only slightly more worthwhile.
Now anyone with half a brain in their Idolized bubble head already know that the big season opener is tomorrow evening, January 13. You also must know that for this glorious four hour opener, we will be visiting my own hometown, that lovely City by the Bay. We will also be visiting Louisville, Phoenix, Salt Lake City, and San Juan Puerto Rico, just to name a few. But, since you already know all this stuff, we’ll just skip it and talk about a few of the things I’ve been hearing while hanging out by the grapevines.
Now, around my little home high in the hills over Hollywood, there have been a few changes going on since we last updated our little online endeavor. You may recall that last season I wrote of the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze and some of the legal pit-falls surrounding Dr. P. Haze’ chosen profession. After worrying myself silly for some days on end, I finally showed the good Farmacist the door. As you know, the good Farmacist couldn’t often be bothered to spend our quality time enjoying the vocal vagrants emanating from our boob tube, so, in my mind this is no great loss.
Now, if I’m being honest, and you know I always am, we aren’t here to discuss the comings and goings in my lovely little bungalow high in the hills above Hollywood. No-sirree-bob! We’re here to discuss the strange twists and turns that this juggernaut of a TeeVee show appears to be taking.
The first big change I noticed this season is that the old man who supposedly, and according to all I have talked to, made the thematic selections appears to have taken off for more uplifting locals. Namely a spot at the judging table of So You Think You Can Dance! This is probably a great thing! Now kids, what I’ve been hearing at the grapevine is all rumor and speculation, so don’t quote me or I’ll paddle your beehind till it’s blue all over, but, little whispers have been whispered that seem to suggest that all was not well in Idolville and the departure of Mr. Nigel L. Now I don’t know nuthin from nuthin, I’m just sayin that there are whispers and rumors a circulatin.
Well, almost immediately upon the departure of that bombastic buffoon, we heard little bits of “knowledge” floating up to our fortress high in the hills above Hollywood that seemed to suggest that Drunk Paula was being unceremoniously put out on her rather prodigious beehind. Even the ever-Idol-cynical Mr. Berman over on MSNBC.com wrote an open letter begging the little lush to stay. Now listen here, I have been reading Mr. Berman since that fellow Ghandi sat his wrinkly old ass down and proclaimed that non-violent anarchy was the way to go and I can hardly remember a time when he [Berman, natch] wasn’t being downright cranky and catty. Quite often Drunk Paula was the target he was a shootin at. Now here he is practically pissing all over himself at the thought of that diminutive little drug addict leaving the show. Now, I don’t know a damn thing from the next when it comes to the comings and goings around this little show, but I do know that this Berman character has done slipped and fallen into a big old vat of crazy.
What I do know, and I suspect you do as well, is that we have a new judge joining the panel. One who, according to one of my extra-ordinarily well-hung grapevines, has a prodigious knowledge of music and puts that snarky little hairy-chested Simon in his place. Frankly though, after 8 years, I’m not sure if she can rescue old Idol from it’s rightful demise.
Having said that, I do want you to know that, for one more season, I’m gonna be here, doing my best to give it to ya good! Just like our Idols!!