No, no one sang the above mentioned Alanis Morrisett song – thankfully! What’s ironic is that I find myself done with this season of American Idol and it’s a full week before the Grand Finale. That’s some sort of record. The show has gotten predictable and, if I’m being honest, which we know I always am, just plain boring. Frankly, I was far more interested in the big ass steaks the progeny and I were grilling than what these semi-lovable frauds had on their song lists for the night. In fact, so enthralled were we with the grilling of the big ass steaks and a fine chat with the young neighbor from across the fence that we missed the entire first third of the night – the sad part is that I didn’t feel like I missed much.
The second part of the show was devoted to waking the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze and then eating our big ass steaks, along with some lovely rice pilaf and some tender, buttery, sweet corn-on-the-cob. Between bites and gasps for air, we managed to catch a wee bit of the “contestant’s choice” songs of the night. The progeny even joined elfin boy David Archuletta in singing along to Chris Brown’s little ditty after which he intoned that little David was NO Chris Brown! I couldn’t have agreed more! Sayesha showed that she is ready for Broadway with her rendition of Fever. Don’t know what Paula was thinking because Sayesha for sure showed that she is the next American Broadway Idol – and the world rejoiced. Don’t know what the heck it was that David Cook sang but…bleck!
Third round again found me a little too busy to pay attention. Grilling big ass steaks, cooking up mountains of rice and making the perfect corn-on-the-cob comes with a great price – dirty dishes! Now usually I would forgo the voluminous mess in favor of watching the hot mess we call Idol, but frankly tonight, I found myself more interested in dish duty than paying attention to these frauds. This third round was producers choice and it quickly became apparent something we’ve known practically this whole damn season – the producers are completely out of touch! The song chosen for elfin boy David, why by the way, and if every last news report is to be believed, is daddy less when backstage now, was gawd awful. As the judges noted, this boy could sing the phone book and I agree – but why remind us of that little fact? I have a theory – the theory is that the producers were doing their best to shut elfin boy David out of the Grand Finale. I think they would like Sayesha and David Cook at the big show. Speaking of these two idiots, they performed their third round numbers quite nicely.
Following the show, and when I should have felt inclined to vote for someone, I instead rang up the ever-so intoxicated D.C. Vodkalips. She, like me, is completely over this season. And I believed her. Wanna know why? Of course you do, silly question. In seasons past, Ms. Vodkalips would have been sending up smoke signals from her phone – by three minutes after 9p (which is the exact time I called), she would be well on her way to 100 dials for her choice (she’s picked every winner so far!). But last night, at 9:03, the first shock was that I got through. The second shock was that I was NOT told to hang the [insert favorite expletive here] up and VOTE, VOTE, VOTE. In fact, we had a nice leisurely conversation lasting for nine minutes and fifty-eight seconds according to my trust digital phone. It was during this phone call that Ms. Vodkalips told me she had voted for the winner – but only 17 times. Shocking! Well, maybe not to you, but to me it was absolutely mind-blowing that this hysterical Swedish alcoholic just had given up. But in my heart, I agreed! I don’t know what the future holds over at the Kodak next week. I do know that the winner will be…drum roll please…DAVID COOK!
Now, I’ve got to wrap this up because Chef Ramsey is seriously slamming sh*t around over there in Hell’s Kitchen. Heck, he’s gotten so irate that the good Farmacist is sitting up and in rapt attention – gotta go!