Oh dear geebus! Somebody’s head got WAY too damn big after last week’s big safety show and, well, it showed tonight. Y’all know I have loved me some Jason Castro and have wished, dreamed and visualized that dread-locked, breathless thing strumming me like I was that geetar that is often slung around his shoulders but tonight that child plum lost his damn mind! First, just because you got a decent facsimile of that god Bob Marley’s hair, does NOT by any stretch or lock of hair, mean that you should try to pull out “I Shot the Sheriff” and then give the worst performance of your life with it. Trust me little boy, your cute smile and stoner like guffaw’s will not, absolutely not save your ass! That was dreadful! And if that wasn’t bad enough, he done went and forgot the lyrics to that other god, Bob Dylan’s number “Tamborine Man”…say what?! If I’m being honest, and you know I always am, Mr. Castro would absolutely not be the one I would have voted for tonight…fantasy or no! Bleck!!
The Bob’s lost their mo and their jo tonight. It was absolutely devastating! But the Bob’s weren’t done in by Mr. Cook or Ms. Mercado both of whom were very capable…sort of. Well, ok…first round really just sucked! I mean Duran Duran and Tina Turner were covered and rather badly! Tina Turner is my all time Idol, I worship at the legs that sixty something year old woman possesses. Having seen that woman in concert perform “Proud Mary” and then watching that, loveable for sure, fraud make a mess and a mockery of it just made me sick to my stomach. The good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze never bothered to turn over to pronounce that Tina Turner, Ms. Sayesha was NOT.
I will not say that their second numbers sucked…in fact, I quite liked Sayesha’s rendition of Sam Cooke’s “Change is Gonna Come”! D.C. Vodkalips rang to say that she absolutely couldn’t stand the unseemly white “bra” strap that was running across the front of Sayesha’s dress. Thankfully, Ms. Vodkalips felt that Sayesha redeemed herself with the sparkley and distracting lip gloss. Frankly though, after all the boohoo’ing which was way too reminiscent of that gawd-awful, blubbering and babbling Brooke, I was ever so slightly put off. David Cook sang a song by The Who…big woo! He’s better than what he was tonight. Not to fear though, like Ahnold…he’ll be baaack!
The real crushing though was done by elfin boy David Archuletta. Now kiddo’s, ya’ll know I really am not a fan. Not because the child sucks or anything so silly because we all know he has an amazing voice. But something isn’t right. He’s for damn sure a prodigy. And well, he should be given props for pulling off two quite beautiful performances. I adored the first one and if I voted – because kiddo’s, I may write about it, but I don’t care quite enough to pick up the phone and vote – I would have stood by that cute little child, darlin’ for sure! I’m not sure I felt so wonderful about the cover of my sixth cousin, twice removed – yes, I’m related ever so slightly to that probably dead legend Elvis although not nearly close enough to get any money out of the deal, but enough for bragging rights – yes it was sweet and tender and sent the little girls, who don’t have an ice ball’s chance in Dante’s hades of ever getting in that child’s pants, into full swoon. Me…not so much! However, he crushed, crushed, crushed the Bob’s, and for that, well, I grudgingly must give him his props! Like previous winner Taylor Hicks, I see a long career for this child as Wayne Newton’s replacement! Heck, don’t knock it…Wayne Newton’s made a fortune doing whatever shtick it is he does!
Seriously y’all, I’ve played the Drunk Paula game and am feeling, like Ms. Vodkalips, just a little bit tipsy. It’s going to be a struggle to take the dog out to pee, tuck the progeny in, pry the good, but very asleep Farmacist off the sofa, and then watch Chef Ramsey bully and badger those imbecile’s over at Hell’s Kitchen.