What just happened?

Seriously, if you’re like me, and we know you must be as you are reading this bit of drivel, then you are scratching your head wondering what the hell kind of a mess we’ve managed to find ourselves in. If you attempted to play the Drunk Paula Game, well, you’re just smashed. If you checked out early (like before the show even started), who can blame you. Certainly it was clear that Drunk Paula, et al, just showed up to collect their paycheck, effectively phoning in their performance, and not even managing to do an even half way respectable job at that. Confusing! Chaotic! One spectacular hot mess! Can you hear it? It’s the whooshing sound of that giant toilet juggernaut called American Idol.

First off, who in their right mind thought that picking an American Idol means rehashing the songs of long dead barely living legend Neil Diamond? Huh? Who? Some old fool who is as out of touch with the modern world as American Idol with reality. Stooooopid! Not that I’m dissing Neil Diamond because in truth, he is a legend. However, if we want to get away from karaoke performances, then Executive Producer Nigel L. needs to get off his wrinkly old duff and bring AI into the future, otherwise, what we witnessed tonight will be remembered by generations to come as the first death knells.

As for those lovable frauds we are calling karaoke stars contestants, I don’t have much too say. I was so distracted and distraught by the mess that was coming from the judges table, that I took a bit of the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze’s medicinal offerings and zoned right out. Not that I totally zoned out, one can’t do that when their progeny has joined them to watch the show. However, after he, at 9, pronounced the show a massive train wreck (apparently he feels it’s his job to mimic Simon’s acerbic commentary), I did not feel bad for tuning out. As such, there will be little from me by way of real, hard-hitting commentary on these lovable fraud’s performances. Then again, when do you ever get real, hard-hitting commentary from me.

Jason Castro

Absolutely LOVED “Forever in Blue Jeans” – fit him to a T. He sang another song, but I don’t remember it. Perhaps it’s better that way. As much as I love me some Jason Castro, and wish he’d strum me like that dang geetar he holds so gently, I must nominate him for my first spot in the bottom two. Having done that, I do NOT want him to go home because there is one, who is SO much more deserving…

Brooke White

Yes children, that one; that simpleton; that babbling Brooke needs to be sent a packin’! Now, the progeny thought long and hard as she mangled her first number and finally remembered where he’d heard that song (you figured it out yet?…let me give you a hint…BIG GREEN OGRE). After yelling out that she was “ripping off” Shrek, he deemed her number a train wreck – apparently Simon heard the little one’s words of wisdom as he used those exact words during the first round recap. In fairness, I did like her rendition of the second number. This dingbat is, once again, my choice to go back to AZ where she can do whatever it is that blonde bimbette’s do. Begone little girl, begone!

David Cook

Yes David, we appreciate your shout-outs to your dying brother but don’t you think it was a little over the top to have his initials on BOTH your jacket and your geetar? Otherwise, I have absolutely no complaints about your performances tonight. In fact, I agree with the unusually confused and misspoken Paula when she stated that she felt like she was looking at the winner already.

David Archuleta

Ummmmm…”amateurish” sums up BOTH performances for me. My little guy actually compared him to Chicken Little from several seasons ago. For me, the reference was a bit of a shock you know. I mean, the little guy suggested that the only reason elfin boy David is around is because of the “Chicken Little Effect.” What is the Chicken Little Effect you ask? Apparently, and according to my 9 year old, it is stupid little girls calling to vote for someone because they’re cute, but not much else! Brilliant!!

Sayesha Mercado

Solid performances. Not particularly memorable. WAY too much makeup! And put some damn shoes on already. Just because Fantasia did it once don’t mean you should. Trust me girl, it ain’t cute. And as the little guy suggested, you’re feet probably stink. Ok, I told the little guy that probably wasn’t the case, but get real,after the little guy’s words, I couldn’t get the image out of my head of stinky feet. I don’t remember what she sang!

Whew! Well, Chef Gordon Ramsey is yelling his head off at those imbecile’s on Hell’s Kitchen. As frightened as I am, much like watching a train wreck in motion, I must tear myself away from this little commentary of mine and get to something that really matters – a full and complete dinner service.

Cheers!

Advertisements

One Response to What just happened?

  1. Jacob Nordby says:

    Jonathan

    Well…as usual, my eloquent friend, you are on the money with this assessment. I am, in fact, so flumoxed by your facile keyboard skills that I won’t try to be my extra-witty self in this reply. Oops, too late. 🙂

    Namaste`
    Jacob

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: