I mean seriously, you can’t have a bunch of star wannabes singing Miss Mariah herself and not ring the karaoke bell about 100 times. That’s not to say that these lovable frauds didn’t do a great job, but, with the exception of two, it was just straight up karaoke night over on the big Idol stage. I do need to comment just for a moment on the sexilicious Miss Thing – since the first day I heard her break glass with that voice, something like 15 years ago (maybe more), I have been in love with her Sexiness! Through her trials and triumphs, highs and lows, fat years and skinny, I’ve loved her! And by golly she never disappoints! I only wished to be one of those star-f’rs we’re calling contestants this season! It’s Mariah ya’ll!! Tonight I’m rating our lovable frauds with A (worst) to AAAAA (best).
Eflin boy David Archuleta opened the show with “When you Believe” and we quickly learned that he suffers from such a bad case of nerves that often on performance day he can’t eat. Well, get real, if I had his dad standing over me demanding perfection I wouldn’t be able to eat either. I mean, his dad is the kind that is happy only when his son does a great job and the rest of the time is a total ass! Don’t ask me where I get my info, but suffice it to say I feel for the little guy. I also can’t stand him! I don’t care if he can sing the phone book to perfection, it’s still the damn phone book! But, there’s a lot of little girls out there who see something in him they want (but probably can never have) and so they pick up their pink sparkled and bedazzeled phones and dial like crazy. AAA.5
Tattooed chick Carly gave us her version of “Without You” and rang no bells…again. What’s her deal. She’s a fabu singer but just can’t pull it together. Someone who could pull it together for me is her husband. Maybe it’s the rebel in me, but all those tatt’s on his face got me a little hot last night. WAY out of character for me. Thankfully the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze was already passed out and thus failed to notice my blushing cheeks. AA.5
Sometimes I like Sayesha and sometimes I don’t. Singing “Vanishing” was a smart move on her part and, when she was restrained she was quite amazing to listen to. There were sometimes where it got just a little bit shouty and unfortunately those moments stayed with me much longer than the good moments (which, in fairness were the rule throughout this performance…but still). AAA
Babbling Brooke didn’t have many options. I mean, get real, she can’t sing in the first place and then, to be asked to sing Miss Mariah…ha! So, she sang “Hero” and made it her own. She stank to high heaven! I’ve nothing more to say about her other than she needs to “hit the road jack and don’t ya come back no more, no more!” She’s like Sanjaya from last season…way outlasting her usefulness! A
Our country girl proved once again that she ain’t no dumb blond that just rode in from the farm on a turnip truck. Singing a song that only the most diehard among us knows, “Forever”, in her country, whiny, shiny voice wasn’t all bad. I mean, it was karaoke for sure…but heck, I’m gonna have to give her a whole extra point because she smartly saw her limitations and then chose “wisely!” AAA
Ok ya’ll, I’ve really got to hurry! Still must tuck our little progeny into bed, do my best to rouse the good Farmacist from his self-induced haze, then stubble up to bed and pass out. And I’d like to do it before the 10p news. Will it happen? Probably not…but I’m workin on it! Anyway, karaoke night was pretty good for the top 5. With the exception of that babbling Brooke, the all did Miss Mariah right proud. But it’s the last two that simply blew me away…
David Cook is a god! I love him! I would have his babies (assuming we could get biology to cooperate). Seriously! I mean damn, did you see Randy give his first standing O of the season. That’s huge!! And then he showed his sensitive side by leaking a little water from his eye sockets. How damn clever! I’m sure it was because the judges were just so effervescent in their praise and not because his brother, dying from brain cancer, was in the audience. I bow before the greatness that is David Cook! AAAAA
Which brings me to our final guy dread boy Jason! Damn, Damn, Damn! That version of “I Don’t Wanna Cry” could be playing in my car right now if I could just get it off of iTunes and onto my iPod! So what if Randy didn’t get it – Paula did (ok, big woo). The bigger surprise was the Simon LOVED it! Be still my beating heart! AAAA.5
I must once again ask for you guys to do the right thing and send that babbling, nonsensical Brooke floating right on home to AZ…PLEASE!!!!
UPDATE – 4/16/08
You’re outta here
To quote that great American Bernie Mac, “America, that ain’t right!” Offering us hope that the babbling Brooke might actually go home then changing it up at the last minute and sending the better, albeit only slightly better, singer, Miss Kristy Lee Cook home. That feisty country gurl from the backwoods of Oreegone is with us no more. “That ain’t right America! It just ain’t right!”