Pocket Full of Sunshine!

April 29, 2008

As you know, usually I just add an update at the end of the weekly review to alert you to my thoughts on who went home. However, this week’s result show was just too damn HUGE not to be given its own spot in immortality. Now don’t argue with my kiddo’s, it really was huge this week. Maybe not for you, but for me and since this little spot on the web is all about my thoughts, then dammit, it was HUGE!

Let me start by saying that Jason Castro is feeling good! He’s gotta be! He might just slip up and fall right into the top two. He’ll definitely be in the top 3. WHAT?! You heard me right.  Wouldn’t that be crazy to have one of the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze’s best patients in the top two!!  I’m nearly speechless!  Sayesha will be our next contestant to leave! My theory is that Jason will leave after that leaving us with the two David’s in our top two. Now, I could absolutely be wrong. Elfin boy David seems to be loosing his mojo, to the point that he literally seemed shocked to be safe. That’s not a good thing because confidence sells and he ain’t sellin anything that resembles big balls right now. Wouldn’t it just be crazier than anything to have the top two be David Cook and Jason Castro. I think I’d laugh myself silly! It also makes me think that Idol is kind of a joke (sorry…).

But enough, I’ve gotten distracted…again. Tonight was just HUGE because that babbling, blubbering Brooke was finally sent packing! Sweet lawd-a-mercy! She was boo-hoo’in so damn hard I almost felt sorry for her…right up until she couldn’t finish her song and tried to just walk off stage. Jeebus girl, suck it up! Thankfully we’ll have no more of that broken down, dried up Brooke to kvetch about any more! Woo Hoo!!

Of course, if that wasn’t big enough, American Idol gave me my all time favorite moment this season. Yes they did! This lumbering behemoth of a show actually brought on of my favorite artists on and had her sing my current favorite song! For once, Idol really did give back! To ME!!! You’re damn right, “I’ve got a pocket full of sunshine!”


What just happened?

April 29, 2008

Seriously, if you’re like me, and we know you must be as you are reading this bit of drivel, then you are scratching your head wondering what the hell kind of a mess we’ve managed to find ourselves in. If you attempted to play the Drunk Paula Game, well, you’re just smashed. If you checked out early (like before the show even started), who can blame you. Certainly it was clear that Drunk Paula, et al, just showed up to collect their paycheck, effectively phoning in their performance, and not even managing to do an even half way respectable job at that. Confusing! Chaotic! One spectacular hot mess! Can you hear it? It’s the whooshing sound of that giant toilet juggernaut called American Idol.

First off, who in their right mind thought that picking an American Idol means rehashing the songs of long dead barely living legend Neil Diamond? Huh? Who? Some old fool who is as out of touch with the modern world as American Idol with reality. Stooooopid! Not that I’m dissing Neil Diamond because in truth, he is a legend. However, if we want to get away from karaoke performances, then Executive Producer Nigel L. needs to get off his wrinkly old duff and bring AI into the future, otherwise, what we witnessed tonight will be remembered by generations to come as the first death knells.

As for those lovable frauds we are calling karaoke stars contestants, I don’t have much too say. I was so distracted and distraught by the mess that was coming from the judges table, that I took a bit of the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze’s medicinal offerings and zoned right out. Not that I totally zoned out, one can’t do that when their progeny has joined them to watch the show. However, after he, at 9, pronounced the show a massive train wreck (apparently he feels it’s his job to mimic Simon’s acerbic commentary), I did not feel bad for tuning out. As such, there will be little from me by way of real, hard-hitting commentary on these lovable fraud’s performances. Then again, when do you ever get real, hard-hitting commentary from me.

Jason Castro

Absolutely LOVED “Forever in Blue Jeans” – fit him to a T. He sang another song, but I don’t remember it. Perhaps it’s better that way. As much as I love me some Jason Castro, and wish he’d strum me like that dang geetar he holds so gently, I must nominate him for my first spot in the bottom two. Having done that, I do NOT want him to go home because there is one, who is SO much more deserving…

Brooke White

Yes children, that one; that simpleton; that babbling Brooke needs to be sent a packin’! Now, the progeny thought long and hard as she mangled her first number and finally remembered where he’d heard that song (you figured it out yet?…let me give you a hint…BIG GREEN OGRE). After yelling out that she was “ripping off” Shrek, he deemed her number a train wreck – apparently Simon heard the little one’s words of wisdom as he used those exact words during the first round recap. In fairness, I did like her rendition of the second number. This dingbat is, once again, my choice to go back to AZ where she can do whatever it is that blonde bimbette’s do. Begone little girl, begone!

David Cook

Yes David, we appreciate your shout-outs to your dying brother but don’t you think it was a little over the top to have his initials on BOTH your jacket and your geetar? Otherwise, I have absolutely no complaints about your performances tonight. In fact, I agree with the unusually confused and misspoken Paula when she stated that she felt like she was looking at the winner already.

David Archuleta

Ummmmm…”amateurish” sums up BOTH performances for me. My little guy actually compared him to Chicken Little from several seasons ago. For me, the reference was a bit of a shock you know. I mean, the little guy suggested that the only reason elfin boy David is around is because of the “Chicken Little Effect.” What is the Chicken Little Effect you ask? Apparently, and according to my 9 year old, it is stupid little girls calling to vote for someone because they’re cute, but not much else! Brilliant!!

Sayesha Mercado

Solid performances. Not particularly memorable. WAY too much makeup! And put some damn shoes on already. Just because Fantasia did it once don’t mean you should. Trust me girl, it ain’t cute. And as the little guy suggested, you’re feet probably stink. Ok, I told the little guy that probably wasn’t the case, but get real,after the little guy’s words, I couldn’t get the image out of my head of stinky feet. I don’t remember what she sang!

Whew! Well, Chef Gordon Ramsey is yelling his head off at those imbecile’s on Hell’s Kitchen. As frightened as I am, much like watching a train wreck in motion, I must tear myself away from this little commentary of mine and get to something that really matters – a full and complete dinner service.

Cheers!


No we mustn’t!

April 22, 2008

I don’t have much time! Why? I was motivated, shortly before dinner, to make lemon butter bars. They were luscious! Unfortunately! I ended up eating half the pan! Which means I’m on a sugar high and will crash soon! I am also attempting to dial in for my favorite fraud of the night while watching Hell’s Kitchen. It’s too much, really!

But really, none of you kids care about how off-balance I am at the moment. What you’d like to know is who I thought was unbalanced during the performances earlier this evening. Let me put it this way…I didn’t like two performances. I sorta liked two performances. I adored two performances.

Sir Andrew joined this evening as the “mentor” and my word, what a fellow he turned out to be. He appeared as uncomfortable with the idea as were the lovable frauds who are this year’s contestants seem to be with the whole idea of “Broadway” night. In fact, it seemed to me that he was snarky with just about every damn one of them – although in true form, he made it sound very dignified.

I too have several things to say about each of the performances. Unlike Sir Andrew, they will not be dignified or proper. They will however be true, because, as you kids know, I always do my best to present the facts as we know them completely unvarnished.

That babbling Brooke provided another wonderful excuse for us to vote her off. Again, she forgot the lyrics…and asked for a redo. Again? But she just said it was her first time for this to happen. Hmmmmm…well, I remembered otherwise and said so. And then one of Harvey’s gays guys provided excellent support to my sometimes failing memory. Listen America, if you can’t gather your balls together in a fashion that somehow resembles something adult-like and vote this fake, crying-ass bimbette off, then I’m gonna literally implode. Geebis!! “You must love me” my ass!

And speaking of adult-like, my boy Jason Castro made a disastrous decision to sing “Memories” from the show Cats. What? Let’s skip everything that would be obvious about why this was not a good song for him and get right to the heart of it – weed! Yes, I said it. There should be a warning label on the sides of the prescription bottles that the good Farmacist hands out to his patients that says something to the effect that decision making skills may be somewhat impaired when under the influence. I mean get real, how else do you explain this song choice? I can’t! I won’t! He sucked!

Elfin boy David was pleasant! Nothing more to say! Sayesha brought the house down, but has rather religiously been in the bottom three and had seriously unfortunate positioning tonight what with being stuck in the number one time slot. Will the curse continue? Who knows! Perhaps so though because in the end, like David, it was pleasant and…forgettable!

Perhaps it was the sugar, but I liked tatted rocker chick Carly tonight…alot! I think Sir Andrew landed square on her problem when he highlighted her incredibly poor song selection. Thankfully she actually listened to his suggestion and went with “Jesus Christ Superstar”…yeah!! She looked good! She sounded good! And hell, Simon “loved” her (this week)! On a side note, once again I felt myself getting hot flashes when the camera panned her overly tatted huzband – be still my beating heart!

The best performance of the night, hands down, was [of course] David Cook. When did this boy become such a god? I mean, damn, he’s from Blue Springs Missouri (or misery, depending on who you ask), rocks in a local dive and has done…musical theater…WTF? Well damn, it showed! Love him, mean it! Yee Haw!

Ok kids, the damn sugar has worn off and I’m crashing rather quicker than I care to admit to myself. Will be lucky if I make it to that warm cloud of a bed I share with the good Farmacist. Shutting out lights…must.find.bed!

UPDATE –  4/23/08

You’re outta here –

Frankly, I don’t know what to say.  The last several weeks have seen one shocking turn after another.  I mean, we send Michael Johns home and then we send Carly Smithson home.  WTF?!?!  Seriously, I don’t mean to be rude, but somebody needs to quit voting because somebody tears up or they feel bad because somebody screwed the song up.  Hell, y’all know I love me some Jason Castro, and would let him strum me like his geetar all day long, but he shoulda gone before ole Irish Eyes.  Frankly, Sayesha and Carly had one of their best nights EVAH and were in the bottom two.  Jason, whom I love more than my luggage, and that babbling Brooke should have been in the bottom two.  I don’t know what lap that bobble-headed Brooke has been bouncing in, but apparently it’s paying off.  And, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, I’m just a little bit PISSED OFF!


Karaoke Night!

April 15, 2008

I mean seriously, you can’t have a bunch of star wannabes singing Miss Mariah herself and not ring the karaoke bell about 100 times. That’s not to say that these lovable frauds didn’t do a great job, but, with the exception of two, it was just straight up karaoke night over on the big Idol stage. I do need to comment just for a moment on the sexilicious Miss Thing – since the first day I heard her break glass with that voice, something like 15 years ago (maybe more), I have been in love with her Sexiness! Through her trials and triumphs, highs and lows, fat years and skinny, I’ve loved her! And by golly she never disappoints! I only wished to be one of those star-f’rs we’re calling contestants this season! It’s Mariah ya’ll!! Tonight I’m rating our lovable frauds with A (worst) to AAAAA (best).

Eflin boy David Archuleta opened the show with “When you Believe” and we quickly learned that he suffers from such a bad case of nerves that often on performance day he can’t eat. Well, get real, if I had his dad standing over me demanding perfection I wouldn’t be able to eat either. I mean, his dad is the kind that is happy only when his son does a great job and the rest of the time is a total ass! Don’t ask me where I get my info, but suffice it to say I feel for the little guy. I also can’t stand him! I don’t care if he can sing the phone book to perfection, it’s still the damn phone book! But, there’s a lot of little girls out there who see something in him they want (but probably can never have) and so they pick up their pink sparkled and bedazzeled phones and dial like crazy. AAA.5

Tattooed chick Carly gave us her version of “Without You” and rang no bells…again. What’s her deal. She’s a fabu singer but just can’t pull it together. Someone who could pull it together for me is her husband. Maybe it’s the rebel in me, but all those tatt’s on his face got me a little hot last night. WAY out of character for me. Thankfully the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze was already passed out and thus failed to notice my blushing cheeks. AA.5

Sometimes I like Sayesha and sometimes I don’t. Singing “Vanishing” was a smart move on her part and, when she was restrained she was quite amazing to listen to. There were sometimes where it got just a little bit shouty and unfortunately those moments stayed with me much longer than the good moments (which, in fairness were the rule throughout this performance…but still). AAA

Babbling Brooke didn’t have many options. I mean, get real, she can’t sing in the first place and then, to be asked to sing Miss Mariah…ha! So, she sang “Hero” and made it her own. She stank to high heaven! I’ve nothing more to say about her other than she needs to “hit the road jack and don’t ya come back no more, no more!” She’s like Sanjaya from last season…way outlasting her usefulness! A

Our country girl proved once again that she ain’t no dumb blond that just rode in from the farm on a turnip truck. Singing a song that only the most diehard among us knows, “Forever”, in her country, whiny, shiny voice wasn’t all bad. I mean, it was karaoke for sure…but heck, I’m gonna have to give her a whole extra point because she smartly saw her limitations and then chose “wisely!” AAA

Ok ya’ll, I’ve really got to hurry! Still must tuck our little progeny into bed, do my best to rouse the good Farmacist from his self-induced haze, then stubble up to bed and pass out. And I’d like to do it before the 10p news. Will it happen? Probably not…but I’m workin on it! Anyway, karaoke night was pretty good for the top 5. With the exception of that babbling Brooke, the all did Miss Mariah right proud. But it’s the last two that simply blew me away…

David Cook is a god! I love him! I would have his babies (assuming we could get biology to cooperate). Seriously! I mean damn, did you see Randy give his first standing O of the season. That’s huge!! And then he showed his sensitive side by leaking a little water from his eye sockets. How damn clever! I’m sure it was because the judges were just so effervescent in their praise and not because his brother, dying from brain cancer, was in the audience. I bow before the greatness that is David Cook! AAAAA

Which brings me to our final guy dread boy Jason! Damn, Damn, Damn! That version of “I Don’t Wanna Cry” could be playing in my car right now if I could just get it off of iTunes and onto my iPod! So what if Randy didn’t get it – Paula did (ok, big woo). The bigger surprise was the Simon LOVED it! Be still my beating heart! AAAA.5

I must once again ask for you guys to do the right thing and send that babbling, nonsensical Brooke floating right on home to AZ…PLEASE!!!!

UPDATE – 4/16/08

You’re outta here

To quote that great American Bernie Mac, “America, that ain’t right!”  Offering us hope that the babbling Brooke might actually go home then changing it up at the last minute and sending the better, albeit only slightly better, singer, Miss Kristy Lee Cook home.  That feisty country gurl from the backwoods of Oreegone is with us no more.  “That ain’t right America! It just ain’t right!”


Big bro’s comin!

April 14, 2008

Real fast y’all, I’ve just got word that David Cook, who, if I’m being honest, and I always am, was not my favorite back in the day (Hollywood days that is) will be joined this week, in studio, by his brother Adam. Adam, as you may remember, is suffering from brain cancer and, get this, it’s his second diagnosis. Poor guy. Y’all will remember that David Cook started getting heart palpitations and other fluttery signs after one of the recent performances. Turns out it wasn’t because Terri Hatcher asked him to be her next love interest on Desperate Housewives (not that she did or anything…just sayin’). Instead, reports suggest it was because he was super stressed over the fact that his brother had taken a turn for the worse and that made his blood pressure spike followed by some other symptom and so on and so forth infinitum.

Published reports, citing some credible sources, have joined my good friend, I. Talkstoomuch, who whispered in my ear that Adam, his wife Kendra, a nurse and some some other health related type person landed here in lala land last night. Now I’d like to be a little bit snarky because that’s the way I roll, but I ain’t got nothing but good thoughts about this story! I’m pretty sure I saw the same story line on Oprah’s Big Give Idol Gives Back the other night…but maybe not. Anyhoo, please join me in welcoming Adam, Kendra and their entourage of doctors, nurses and little people (who make life possible). I bet it would be a lot more fun to have David’s entourage rather than Adam’s.


Spoiler Alert!

April 10, 2008

If tomorrow this post is gone, then you’ll know I was wrong. But I’m not! While she isn’t my pick to be gone (this week), she is in my bottom three for sure. You just can’t do Whitney and then Fantasia without making folks yawn. The girl’s got chops, but just isn’t in the league the other two are. So, based on a crazy little program first reported on by Harvey’s gang, we’re gonna call it. So long Miss Sayesha…your day job awaits!

On another note, I’d like to say just how proud of my little guy I am! He watched The Big Give Idol Gives Back, asked how much money was in his savings account and gave it all! $120 is a lot of money for a 9 year old! Made me damn proud!

UPDATE – 4/10/07

You’re outta here –

Well, color me shocked! Apparently my sources in Hollyhood got it wrong, wrong, wrong!! Next thing you know DC Vodkalips, Sister Gurl and a host of others were blowing up my phone to relate their shock, horror and dismay. Some thought it was flat out a conspiracy against the Aussie’s. But me, I blame the curse of the firsts. You see, Michael Johns had two problems this week – (i) He sang first and (ii) He didn’t stand out. Sure he was good, but they all were (except of course for that babbling, blathering Brooke that some how manages to cry her way to safety each and every damn week). The problem was that he wasn’t great and, if you are going to sing first, then you’d damn well better be great! Maybe we’ll be lucky and see him on Broadway in a year or two. Cheers mate!


Pleasant

April 8, 2008

I’m struggling y’all! Seriously! Tonight was all about inspiration and yet, I am underwhelmed and almost totally uninspired. It could be because I’ve eaten myself into some kind of diabetic coma. I told the good Farmacist, Dr. P. Haze, that perhaps I should shove something long and hard down my throat in an effort to rid myself of the bile I feel building up. I won’t tell you what the good Farmacist suggested, but I will say that I told the good Farmacist exactly what could be done with that suggestion. Bet that’ll be the last time the good Farmacist, who’s still skating on thin ice following the recent newsworthy legality questions which have cost me every last penny I’ve made blogging on this damn show, makes that suggestion again!

But really, we aren’t here to talk about Dr. P. Haze or even our adorable, and ever growing, little progeny who apparently wasn’t feeling so inspirational tonight and trooped off to bed without shouting any of his normal encouragement to his favorites. Now, if I’m being honest, and we know I always am, the little guy is still a bit miffed that pint-sized, power-house, Ramiele has left the proverbial building. He loved that little bitty thing and has some hard feelings when it comes to America and their (in his mind), lack of musical sensibilities. Again I’ve digressed.

Well, to be honest, I’m just not inspired. Not even a little! I feel like Randy acted all night. Just like some fool had done danced a jig on my grave. Speaking of fools, can someone please just shut Paula the hell up? Please? Maybe the next time she goes in to visit the good Dr. who pumps her lips full of Hollywood’s finest grade engine oil, they can pump her just a little too full making it impossible for her to even attempt to utter her completely inane and insane ramblings. I mean, not that I was really in agreement with Randy, but damn, Paula was a mess. Must of been the oil leaking out those lips…good gawd!

But like Randy said, the one time I agreed with him, we are here to discuss music. So, before I get all side-tracked and confused, let’s chat about those lovable frauds we are calling contestants.

We already knew what Michael was going to sing…as we did with all the contestants. I’ve nothing more to say. He wasn’t bad! I rather liked him. He was first and that is SO often a curse. Was anyone worse than him? Sure! Sayesha was worse! Maybe not her vocals but because for the second week in a row, she attempted a powerhouse song from a powerhouse performer. Unfortunately for her, she just ain’t got the chops to pull off a Fantasia number. She’s in trouble!

Which brings me to someone who should absolutely not be in trouble – Jason Castro. Whew Lawd! Were I really the genteel lady from the South my ancestors have prided themselves to be, I might actually have been overcome with the vapors. You know, I rather crudely suggested that Castro might be a friend of Dorothy (if you don’t know, don’t bother) because he sang a song straight out of the San Francisco gay men’s chorus’ playbook. By golly though, that hot little piece of Columbian coca came out stroking a ukalele? A what? Well, let me just get real personal right here…I’ve done watched this performance like 6 times. ’nuff said!!

Except enough is never enough, so apparently I need to talk about the other little frauds who trotted out their bits and pieces and made an effort to inspire. Ms Cook…what can I say. Well, I’ll tell ya…she should be given a reprieve from the bottom 3…just for this week! She was good…not great…but good! The other Cook in the competion though was not so great! Simon was dead on…pompous! Left me cold!!

Another performance that left me cold was Carly Smithson. Could she be making her second appearance in the bottom three? Methinks so! Which brings me to elfin boy David. Simon was right, brilliant choice of song! I absolutely love Robbie Williams and wish his stuff was more popular this side of the pond. Perhaps the best pop song out there. Elfin boy, the good Farmacist’s love not withstanding, did not do it justice. Nothing to see here ya’ll, nothing to see.

Now ya’ll, I’d seriously like to be in bed right at this moment. Except that I’m not! I’m here trying to give all you loveable devotee’s something to think about as you do your voting. Let me just say it right here…vote that damn Brooke White and her fake ass tears (after every bad performance) right off the stage. That blond bubble-headed bimbette needs to take her pompom’s, pack up her fine ass huzband, and hightail it back to the desert where she overflowed from. You’ve got a friend my ass! Once again she pulled out the fake crocodile tears as soon as the judges were the teenceeweenceest negative. That lower lip. That cocked head. That insufferable, goody-two-shoes, act makes me want to vomit. I can’t stand her! Oh lord stop me now before I have a full on coronary! Be. Gone. “Pleasant walk in the park” my aunt fanny!

Now vote dammit and get it right…send peroxided and weaved out babbling Brooke right on home! I approved this message!